Boundary Issues or too uptight ?

[Patimatsu]

Hello everyone -

 

I really need some opinions or advice. I have been with my fiance for 2 years, we are planning to get married in 6 weeks, 3 weeks ago we moved into a new house in a new town & live in it with my son (from a previous relationship) and our 2 dogs. My fiance does not work and does the house husband thing, and I work full time in another city to which I commute daily..

 

My son has moved schools along with this move, and has coped really well - and the good news is that he has developed a friendship with a boy who lives across the street from our new house. This boy is lovely, has a sister, and his mum has a partner, Dave.

 

While I was at work the following week, my fiance met (let's call her) 'the mum' while en route to school and an invite was extended to us to come over on that Friday for a few drinks - I thought this was nice, they seem a nice couple and it would be fun. I should say that before moving into this new town, I lived in the country in relative isolation for 13 years, so moving into the town was to actually develop a social life for me and also for my son...

 

So off we went across the road on the Friday but my territorial radar went off a little when the opening line from 'the mum' was - " You know what your son told us about your fiance the other day, that he was a really good pole dancer" - and from that point on, the conversation was pretty much dominated by my fiances various talents. I'll be quick to add that he is NOT a poledancer - and whilst the whole thing made us laugh (crazy kids and all that) - I felt a little like it was all a bit too 'familiar' a conversation to be having with, well, relative strangers.

 

Later the following week, I learned that my fiance had given 'the mum' his mobile number, which he did in response to her having my son over for a play with her son, and she was to text him when it was time to collect him - which she did, and he did... etc etc. Fine (ish)

 

Day before yesterday, my fiance came home and presented me with a lovely (out of the blue) present of a bottle of perfume - which is lovely - as he doesn't work and doesn't get much money - and the perfume was thoughtful as I had just said the other day that I was looking for a new perfume.

 

Then..... yesterday, I came home from work - give my fiance a hug and he smells the new perfume and says 'mmmmmm' with a smile - which made me feel awesome

 

'The mum's' son was in the house playing with my son (fine) and then the doorbell rings. I answer, its the mum, and our dogs run to greet her very warmly (as they do when anyone comes to the house) - and she says (as they are jumping all over her) - "Ohm I thought you would be tired after our walk today !" - quizically I say "Walk ?" - and my fiance says - yeah we took the dogs for a walk today with the kids - ??????? I think - 'be cool' - but inside I am not being cool.

 

Door closes, neighbours retreat across the road - and i think to myself - I had better go out to the shops and cool my heels otherwise I might say something I regret - so off I go.

 

Later I tell my fiance that I am not comfortable with him taking a walk with my kid and our dogs with 'the mum' across the road and he says I am being too uptight. I ask what they talked about, he says not much, and the debate continues to a point where I've calmed down and we are going to bed.

 

His mobile phone is on the bed, he's brushing his teeth in the bathroom, I pick up the phone - have a look (yes ashamedly I had a snoop) and found in the phone log that he (the day before) had exchanged some texts with 'the mum' - but the actual texts have been deleted. I ask him has he been texting her, he says no, I present him with the evidence, he goes quiet, I ask him why he texted her and he then tells me it was to ask her what perfume she was wearing that night we went over there for drinks - WTF ?!? Seriously ? He was going to buy me the same perfume as 'the mum' ???

 

Now - knowing all that - and I tried to present it objectively - am I being uptight or have I got something to worry about ?

 

Thanks for reading any useful advice welcome

 

- P

[Patimatsu]

So sorry - just realised I posted this in the WRONG forum !!

 

Please ignore...

 

- P

[Got it]

I think you have something to worry about. The deleted texts, outside of everything else, is a major deal. Sorry while I am not sure if he is in an affair he is on a very fast trip down the slippery slope to a full fledged one.

[AutumnMoon]

I don't think you posted this in the wrong thread at all. Be cautious and make sure your husband knows, an emotional affair is still cheating. He might not even be aware ..

I'll be honest.. One of the first things my OM did was buy his wife the same kind of perfume I wear.. He also asked her to colour her hair like mine which should have been a give away to her that he had feelings for me, and actually I'm pretty sure it was! It's when she started trying to befriend me a lot.

Just be aware and work on building your connection with him.. Don't feel bad for being "up tight" .

 

Not everyone who smiles at you is your friend.

 

You are right to be concerned.

[AutumnMoon]

I don't know anyone who deletes texts unless there is something to hide. If it was innocent and he was just trying to surprise you with perfume and didn't want you to see the texts and ruin the surprise maybe.. But considering it was HER perfume and after he had already given it to you he felt the need to lie about texts it wouldn't matter if you saw anyway.. That's suspicious, not "up tight"

[whatatangledweb]

It may be innocent so far but him lying about the texts is a big red flag. I wouldn't want my husband hanging out all day with a female neighbor while I work. They seem to be getting too close too fast. I agree with you that he is crossing a boundary.