Inovermyhead Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 I think I am getting over the worst part of the rollercoaster ride, the downward slide. My ex hasn't contacted me, and, truly, I think it's better that way. He doesn't treat me with any more respect now than he did when we were a couple (not with other people). We did see each other the weekend before last, he said he would contact me on x day, and never did. Now, this has happened before, a few days or weeks went by, and he contacted me again. I think it's time for me to say NO, I won't take being treated like this anymore! I truly loved him, and I got BURNED, big time. The reality is, he was using me until he tired of me and someone else came along. Lo and behold, it was a girl who just turned 18 and didn't know what she was getting herself into either. Yes, she may have known that he was seriously involved with me, and that I was pregnant, but, I am sure he told her all sorts of lies to make me look like a BGF. And, I think it may be our nature, we often give our man the benefit of the doubt, especially if the relationship is new. Plus, I know this woman, and think she was in it for the challenge, and was proud of herself for taking and keeping him away from me, no matter what the situation was. The point is, he ruined my life at 19 years old. I had such hopes and dreams for us and our family together. None of that mattered to him. Now, it's many years later, and he wants to feel that control over me again. I DON'T WANT to be controlled in any way, especially not by him. I want to be happy and enjoy the life I have now. No, my marriage is not perfect, but, I can now see how much worse it COULD have been. My weakness is I am still not sure what it is I feel for my ex. My strength is I know I can live a better life without him. My heart thinks I need him. My eyes are starting to see what I have.
Author Inovermyhead Posted November 23, 2004 Author Posted November 23, 2004 Pink wrote a song that fits my situation well.... "Just Like A Pill" I couldn't have said it better myself!! My ex WAS making me ill. Now I'm trying to get out!!
Merin Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 The marriage your in now will NEVER get any better if you continue to allow another person into it.. there is never a reason to wonder why your relationship with another person isn't all it could be when there is another party involved in your life. Your EX will continue to make you unhappy until you tell him HELL NO! You and your daughter deserve so much better than this.. and again, I cannot stress enough to you, that when a person would abandon thier kiddo to make themselves happy.. don't think for a single minute he or she wouldn't do it to you.. and in his case he has done it to you, and to the child you share together. You can get out of this. Best wishes
meanon Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 That's great, Inovermyhead I read your other thread. It seems to me that what you feel for your ex is linked to what he did to you and how dependent on him that made you feel. You've regained control of your life to some degree, but in important ways, things are still the same. Despite being married to someone else whom you wish to remain married to, your ex still determines how you feel on a day to day basis. NC will help you gain objectivity but there's always a risk he will contact you and your resolve will weaken. I think there are issues here that will continue to play on your mind which he may continue to exploit to his advantage unless you can find that closure. You mentioned that you idealise the relationship. This is common when you miss someone, the contact enables you to generate an echo of the intimacy and you remember only the good times. There were a Hell of a lot of bad times that you described in that thread. This man betrayed your trust and abandoned you when you were at your most vulnerable. Remind yourself of that when you feel yourself beginning to slip into fond memories. You have issues in your marriage. Your husband seems like a saint compared to your ex. That must have made him very attractive. Do you love him? He was your means of escaping (albeit an incomplete one) from your ex. These are not the best of circumstances in which to begin a marriage. Are you investing much of your emotional life in your relationship with your ex in order to avoid thinking too much about your relationship with your husband? I'm sure you stand a good chance of improving your marriage but first you need to be free of your ex and part of that may be facing up to the fact that the reason the past is so attractive is because the present is not that great. Finally, it may be that the damage your ex has done you is such that it may have fundamentally altered your view of yourself. You are not irate and angry about being betrayed and abandoned. The self preservation instinct is absent until he doesn't contact you and you are forced to see him for what he is, otherwise you'd ignore it. Do you allow him to treat you this way because you feel you deserve it, even if you know you don't? If so you won't have been the first person to have been ill treated by those they love to have internalised the lesson, thought badly of themselves and expected little of life as a result. Does the contact with your ex affirm your view of yourself? Whatever the reason, it seems less like love to me than need masking another problem, one that is about you, that you can resolve yourself by continuing to try and understand why this man who has treated you so badly still has such a hold on you.
Ladyjane14 Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 Originally posted by meanon ... Finally, it may be that the damage your ex has done you is such that it may have fundamentally altered your view of yourself. You are not irate and angry about being betrayed and abandoned. The self preservation instinct is absent until he doesn't contact you and you are forced to see him for what he is, otherwise you'd ignore it. Do you allow him to treat you this way because you feel you deserve it, even if you know you don't? If so you won't have been the first person to have been ill treated by those they love to have internalised the lesson, thought badly of themselves and expected little of life as a result. Does the contact with your ex affirm your view of yourself? Wow, InOverMyHead, read that paragraph AGAIN! I had a bad boyfriend too when I was 18. I won't go into all the sordid details, but Meanon has a fabulous point here! It can really warp a girl, right on into womanhood, to be so mistreated. I wonder if life had a 'rewind' button if you would use it. (????) If you had an opportunity to relive the entire relationship, do you think you might have done a better job? ---Fixed it somehow? Don't you know the outcome would have been the same? It wasn't what you did. It was what he did. You might be able to leave this behind if you can accept that.
Author Inovermyhead Posted November 24, 2004 Author Posted November 24, 2004 There's no doubt, I NEED to get out of this mess! It's like a mind/heart trap. But, I do think my mind has the upper hand at this point. Merin, Thank you for your help. I may not have to tell him HELL NO this time as he has not contacted me. I think that's why I am again starting to feel better. This is where I get into the trap. I get feeling so good, say the hell with him, and he contacts me again. The vicious cycle begins all over again. I don't want that to happen this time. Like I said, he is not any better to me than he was then. When in contact, he does make me feel wanted, but, that's about it. Meanon, Thank you for your help as well. I agree, my ex still has too much control over my feelings. That is my fault, I let it be that way. I do need to find the closure, but, I don't know how? God, I know how badly he treated me. I gave my all to him, he betrayed and abandoned me. I just wish I knew why. You are right about feeling that I deserve to be treated this way. I blame myself for our child not having their true daddy. I blame myself, wondering what I could have done to keep him from straying. Somehow I wasn't good enough. I do love my husband. However, I know that initially I stayed with him for the wrong reasons. I felt guilty because I could not give my child a father. I felt guilty because I had another man who wanted to marry me after my child was born, but, I left him because I was still in love with my ex. My now husband was willing to be there for both myself and my child as well. I still struggled with feelings for my ex, but, grew to love my now husband. I decided I had to end all of the nonsense with my ex and move on. I think maybe I should have moved on by myself for awhile, but, I did what I thought was right at the time. Still, I was only 21. Things were too much too fast for me in the state of mind I was in. I started dating the first man after my ex only 3 months after our child was born. Moved in together 3 months later. He asked me to marry him 2 months later, I initially agreed, and later backed out because I knew I still loved my ex, and it wasn't fair to my current man. Within 2 months I started dating my now husband. I was 20 and 3 months when I had my ex's child, and was only 21 and 2 months when I got into a serious relationship with my now husband. We married 1 1/2 years later. My husband and I do have a few problems, but, are working on it. One is in the bedroom department. I showed him what I want, and guess what, he said, ok, I can do that. Man, my husband IS such a better man. He would NEVER do what my ex did to me, or treat me that way. I KNOW he loves me and is not using me. I don't know if I am in a form of depression because of my past with my ex, but, it doesn't feel good.
Author Inovermyhead Posted November 24, 2004 Author Posted November 24, 2004 Ladyjane, Thank you as well! I really appreciate the support. I typed the last long post before reading your reply. I guess my bad plan was letting myself get pregnant. I know it took two of us, but, I could have insisted he was more careful. I did mention over and over and over again, what if I get pregnant, and he said, we would be a family, no big deal. I figured, ok, we live together, I work 2 jobs to help pay the bills, all is good. Little did I know! But, shouldn't he have known better? He was almost 28 and I was 19! MANY times I have thought, "if only there were a rewind button. I would change whatever I did wrong so he wouldn't leave me." You really hit the head on that one!
meanon Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 I just wish I knew why. You are right about feeling that I deserve to be treated this way. I blame myself for our child not having their true daddy. I blame myself, wondering what I could have done to keep him from straying. Somehow I wasn't good enough. That's it right there. You blame yourself for his ill treatment of you and that's why you let it continue despite the risk it poses to your marriage: I would change whatever I did wrong so he wouldn't leave me Why are you taking all of the responsibility for his behaviour? Why does he escape blame for what he did? You are still locked in the mind set that you are to blame, still trying to gain his approval, his love. Why? It's the only way you can feel good about yourself. You have internalised the lesson. You'll never get what you need from him. Only you can fix it. It's hard to say where to start but recognising what you seek and that he can not provide it is an excellent beginning. There are a lot of good self help books on the market with practical approaches to re-building self esteem. PM me if you want a title. The best focus on getting to the detail of the often subconscious lesson, what it taught you about yourself and re-learning more positive lessons. An antidote, if you like. If this doesn't work you may want to try a short spell of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). The past is important only to the extent it is influencing your present and future. It's part of who you are and accepting it without regrets is necessary to accepting yourself. You've had a rough ride, you coped with it as best you could. Let it go. Good luck
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