LalaGirl Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 I need help! I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I love him so much and see so much potential with him, but I have to leave him. Unfortunately, I can't seem to do it. He is verbally abusive, irrational in his anger, he doesn't have a job, has no car, he's thrown me across rooms, left handprints all over my body, and two months ago he totaled my car with a little elbow grease and one of his golf clubs. I put a restraining order on him and filed charges for the last big incident. All of that worked to keep me away from him for about three weeks. I couldn't take it anymore, I missed him so much, and I called him. The next day we got a hotel room to hide from the world and got back together. He cried and said how sorry he was. He quit drinking. Things still have not truly changed. Desperate to find answers about why he is like this, I did some research. I found that he has every last symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder. He keeps saying that he wants to get professional help and that I just have to stick it out with him while he gets better. I don't know what to do. I feel so weak and powerless over, lets face it, my addiction to him. I need some help. I've considered going to therapy myself, but I just had to buy a new car and dont know if i can afford it. I can't tell anybody that we are back together, and I am so sick of lying to my friends and family. I can't believe what I am allowing to happen.
beejsea2 Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 You really probably need to get into some kind of counseling. He said he changed or will change but that will only last a short time and you'll be right back in the abusive relationship. How can you love a man that throws you across the room or wrecks your car??? You need to step(run) away from the situation...go to your family and friends for help. You even said that things really hadn't changed so why are you settling for someone that treats you that way?? Please please seek help and get away from him ASAP!
Weird Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 Hmm... He needs some help and you need some counseling so you can leave this guy. I really dont know what you expect to hear other than what you already know.
Author LalaGirl Posted November 23, 2004 Author Posted November 23, 2004 My problem is that I already know that I must go - running, walking, skipping, or crawling - but I can't find the will. This is incredible because I have deep resevoirs of strength in all aspects of my life but one. I continue to believe that just around the corner I will find him to be on his way to sanity. Life will be one oversized bowl of cherries, but deep down I know that is crap. Any suggestions on how to keep myself out of this situation or how to find my own sanity are more than appreciated. I am thinking about getting my phone number changed so at least he can't contact me.
beejsea2 Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 Change your phone number, the locks on your door if you need to. Stay with a family member or a friend to help you build your strength...please just stay away from him!!
Just Visiting Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 I always believe that things happen for a reason. Bad, good, whatever. This is YOUR time to see how strong you are in times of adversity. We weren't put on this earth to be abused by others. I am sorry that you are in an abusive relationship but you CAN stop it. One day you will look back and say "you know what? that was the most difficult time in my life, but I was strong enough to stand up and take care of myself. now I know that I can handle anything that comes along." So like what everyone has said, seek counselling and help from others. You won't be sorry.
morrigan Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 Change your locks, phone numbers. Notify friends and family about what has been happening. Call the police if he comes to your home or threatens you in any way. Don't contact him in any way, shape or form. Get some kind of counseling. It's hard to deal with this crap alone, and abuse happens to a lot of people. Realize that he is a manipulator and he doesn't want to love you, he wants to own you. He enjoys hitting, threatening and demeaning you. He feels that since you are "his", he can treat you anyway he wants. The longer you stay with him, the more cemented his view will become. Then, when you attempt to leave him, he puts on the puppy dog face and becomes all teary and remorseful. You start remembering the few good times you did have with him. You think he will change if he just gets off the booze/goes to counseling, and you feel obligated to help him. He seems to need you desperately, he suddenly seems to need you to be strong for him. It's all this bulls*** about "sticking together". He won't change, he will sometimes be nice just enough to keep you hopeful, but he'll keep on beating and threatening you. Please get away from him.
curly Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 This is a very serious situation you have found yourself in. I can speak from experience in this. You MUST get away from this man. The abuse will only escalate. I understand how difficult it is. I was a similar situation, throwing me around, hitting, etc. They are so, so, so sorry when it's over. They want to apologize over and over. You hide away from the world. Spend your time cocooned together, so in love. You're confusing the intense emotions of anger and rage with love. It's sooooo good when it's good, but when it's bad, holy sh*t, it's bad. Therapy is definitely something you should look into. But I understand the inability to afford it. You can seek therapy through a local clinic. Do you have health insurance? You can usually get some outpatient therapy covered through insurance. If no insurance, start making some calls to the local hospital. Look in the phone book for referral services for psychologists or social workers. Just continue to ask around about how you can receive much needed mental health advice on a budget. There are services out there. Also, in the short term, get another restraining order and stick to it. You are continuing to let this man hurt you emotionally and physically. You have set a precedent in both your's and his minds that you will be forgiving. Don't forgive this. This man has serious problems of his own. He's addicted to alcohol, you're addicted to him. It is a horrible situation. Please don't allow yourself to go down this path any longer. And lastly, there's a book called "Women Who Love Too Much." It's about women addicted to men. Go to the library and check out other self-help books. Just get moving towards staying away from this dangerous situation and working on yourself.
Author LalaGirl Posted November 23, 2004 Author Posted November 23, 2004 I appreciate everybody's replies. I just ordered "Women Who Love Too Much" off of Amazon.com. I think that I WILL go get that counseling, I found a place that will let me pay on a sliding scale. I'm a student, so I get all kinds of fun discounts. I just can't keep doing this to myself. I am losing self-respect like water down a drain. Nothing or noone is worth that. Please keep me in your thoughts and send good wishes my way. Thank you. Laura
beejsea2 Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 Laura, Glad to hear that you're taking the right steps to take care of yourself. Just know that this forum is here for you to rant, rave and cry while you go through this healing process!!
blind_otter Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 Good thing about the counseling. I wish that I had done the same. I got pregnant (my ex-BF sounds exactly like yours - no car, no job, lives with his Mom, abusive, emotionally random), my ex ditched me, then came back, then left, then came back...I'm living with the consequences of my inability to stand up for myself. Ironically, I have the motivation to get away from him in order to protect the little one. Apparently the baby is worth more than I am, in my mind. Whatever works, I guess. Just run, don't walk, away from this situation. Take it from someone who knows how it is. Originally posted by LalaGirl I need help! I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I love him so much and see so much potential with him, but I have to leave him. Unfortunately, I can't seem to do it. He is verbally abusive, irrational in his anger, he doesn't have a job, has no car, he's thrown me across rooms, left handprints all over my body, and two months ago he totaled my car with a little elbow grease and one of his golf clubs. I put a restraining order on him and filed charges for the last big incident. All of that worked to keep me away from him for about three weeks. I couldn't take it anymore, I missed him so much, and I called him. The next day we got a hotel room to hide from the world and got back together. He cried and said how sorry he was. He quit drinking. Things still have not truly changed. Desperate to find answers about why he is like this, I did some research. I found that he has every last symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder. He keeps saying that he wants to get professional help and that I just have to stick it out with him while he gets better. I don't know what to do. I feel so weak and powerless over, lets face it, my addiction to him. I need some help. I've considered going to therapy myself, but I just had to buy a new car and dont know if i can afford it. I can't tell anybody that we are back together, and I am so sick of lying to my friends and family. I can't believe what I am allowing to happen.
curly Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 Laura, so glad to see your taking good advice from this forum. It is a great place to come and vent. Please don't stop venting. Letting yourself heal is the only solution. Remember about the restraining order though. It's a very volatile situation. Someone posted earlier about changing your locks. Call the police. It will, if anything, keep him away at least for a day with the restraining order (TRO - temporary restraining order) (too much "cops"???). I have been where you're at. I only wish I had called the police. The situation, if left unchecked, will only get worse. The book will help you. And counseling absolutely will. Just be patient. It's never a a quick fix. I know it sounds cliche but this didn't start overnight and it won't end overnight. It takes a long (loooooooong) time to feel better. He's made you feel horrible. He's separated you emotionally from your loved ones. You need to lean on them. They may not understand right now but will absolutely (ABSOLUTELY) want to help you. Lean on them. There may be some back lash but understand it's only because the ones that love you would never treat you as he has and don't understand why you would have any feeling for him at all. They may never understand. That's where the counseling helps. An impartial person to talk about everything with. I wish you all the best. Good luck. Stay strong. Believe all the stupid cliches. They're cliches for a reason. They are usually true. You will get through this. You are worth it. You know that.
missopinionated Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 Pardon my being really blunt but you MUST get out of there. That's great that you bothered to find out what is wrong with the guy but knowing that won't stop him from beating you up. You must get away from him. NO EXCUSES. You have a new car. Get your stuff into it and get away from that guy. What place would you like to go to?? Ok, what just came to your mind? Go look that place up on line, find out where the resources for battered women are -- because that's exactly what you are -- and call them. tell them where you are, how long it will take you to get there and then GO there. 1. I can guarantee you two things: this guy will not change, no matter what he says. 2. You stand a very good chance of becoming one of those dead women you see on TV all the time --y'know, the women whose bodies turn up in fields and whose identies are not discovered for 10 years. GET OUT OF THERE. If you're lying to your friends and family about being with this guy, you already know you're in trouble.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 Borderline personality disorder or not, NO ONE HAS A RIGHT TO PUT THEIR HANDS ON YOU! You sound like th typical woman suffering from battered woman's disease -- constantly making excuses for his behavior, or trying to justify it in someway. Regardless of whatever is wrong with him, you have a right to be safe and a responsibility to safeguard yourself from becoming a casualty. Please, I do not want to watch the evening news and find out that you have been murdered or otherwise brutalized by this "man". Please...RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN as fast as you can far away from him. Go stay with a friend or family for a few weeks until you know you are safe to be alone -- then heal your heart and your self-esteem by getting some counseling and the TLC you deserve.
theone44 Posted November 27, 2004 Posted November 27, 2004 Originally posted by LalaGirl I need help! I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I love him so much and see so much potential with him, but I have to leave him. Unfortunately, I can't seem to do it. He is verbally abusive, irrational in his anger, he doesn't have a job, has no car, he's thrown me across rooms, left handprints all over my body, and two months ago he totaled my car with a little elbow grease and one of his golf clubs. I put a restraining order on him and filed charges for the last big incident. All of that worked to keep me away from him for about three weeks. I couldn't take it anymore, I missed him so much, and I called him. The next day we got a hotel room to hide from the world and got back together. He cried and said how sorry he was. He quit drinking. Things still have not truly changed. Desperate to find answers about why he is like this, I did some research. I found that he has every last symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder. He keeps saying that he wants to get professional help and that I just have to stick it out with him while he gets better. I don't know what to do. I feel so weak and powerless over, lets face it, my addiction to him. I need some help. I've considered going to therapy myself, but I just had to buy a new car and dont know if i can afford it. I can't tell anybody that we are back together, and I am so sick of lying to my friends and family. I can't believe what I am allowing to happen. Babygirl i hate to tell you this,but this man does not love you. Real men does not abuse the women that they love. Well in general real men don't abuse women period. If u don't leave this man and this relationship,u going to end up seriously injuries or dead. This man have nothing to offer u,but misery and heartarch...get out while u still have your or will take it one day. The best way and is to have him arrested and then go find a new locating to live and don't him anyone,if u got to a new job in a new do that to. Life is so presious don't no one take it from you. Remember "God" love u,and he will send u a man that will love and respect you.
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