Living with Ex - No idea how to exist here.

[Arianna72]

I was hoping that I would not be back to posting on these boards again but it seems I find myself here again and I understand that clearly indicates I have a lot of stuff I need to work on. Sorry for the length that is likely one of my issues. I tend to be long-winded.

 

I just broke up with my partner on Monday. He and I got together 6 years ago in August 2007. There was a lot of instant chemistry and initially we seemed very compatible. He was an art school student and working at a convenience store part time as well as getting some help from his step dad for expenses. I work for a non-profit agency in a residential treatment facility for troubled teens. I make just under a reasonable amount of money. I am 41 and he is 34. After about a month being together we had already made a trip to the coast as well as a roadtrip from Oregon to Colorado together to visit his family. At just under the 2 month mark his apartment flooded and we decided since he was spending all his time at my place anyways he might as well move in with me. Things have been a consistent struggle in our relationship for some time. I know we both have contributed to the difficulties in our relationship and there are obviously always two sides to a story but I can only tell my own.

 

In March 2008 he was fired from (or quit still not clear) his part time job. He was still in school and his step dad was sending $400 a month to help with expenses so at the time I told him not to worry about the whole job thing till he was done with school. Six months later he decided the art school he had attended for nearly 3 years was not a good place for him to be anymore (I agreed as it was a bizarre place). Since he wasn't in school anymore his step dad stopped sending money. The new plan was to start doing art at home and trying to sell some stuff while playing poker online to make some extra money. After a while he mostly stopped painting and never really tried to sell anything and online poker became illegal. He does cook most all the meals, and do most of the housework. He has also started a beautiful garden that he cares for. However I only make around $2,ooo a month so we really can’t afford to not both be making some kind of $. In July of 2008 my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer and passed in Oct 2009 so there were many hard times for me emotionally in that time. His sister who he was quite close to also committed suicide several months after my mom died so we have both been through very hard times together. As things became rougher in our lives he also became more and more depressed, started drinking more (I actually have always suspected he was an alcoholic he just used to be one of those “functional ones””) and also smoking way more weed. I also recognize and take full responsiblity for the fact that I began to resent him for staying home all the time. I felt like I had to work and it always seemed like he didn't even appreciate what I did for us and blamed me for his lack of motivation, friends etc.

 

He withdrew a lot from other people and our communication had become so poor that we could rarely talk about anything other than games or televisions shows without horrible arguments following. He started saying pretty mean things to me as well. Things like screaming at me that I was a manipulative bitch repeatedly and even on a couple of occasions a monster etc. He once threw some stuff through one of our windows and my son who was still living with us at the time had to forcefully remove him from the house and ended up punching him and knocking him out. That never happened again but obviously I could have /should have chosen to leave at that point for sure. My son has long since moved out. He is 24 now; but I realize I still hold anger about what happened between them and that I let something like that happen.

 

In July I told him that we needed to work a lot on how we were communicating and the level of intimacy we have with one another and that I thought we needed to go to counseling. I also told him that he needed to get a job (hasn't even looked all this time) and start trying to build a life for himself in the town we live in as he has no family or friends or people he is really close to here. He used to climb a lot so I even hooked him up with a co-worker who was into climbing so they could climb together. Which he seems to be enjoying. I know all of those requests seem like a lot of stuff to lay on someone who is depressed but at some point I feel like he needs to have forward movement and perhaps anti-depressants to pull out of it (which he isn't at this time willing to explore). I did not give a specific timeline that he had to go by but rather told him that these things needed to change and I needed to see progress of some sort on each of them.

 

Since that time he has been trying to go climbing when I set something up, we have had 4 counseling sessions, he has been working more in our garden and cleaning up the house a bit more and he has been playing some poker to try and make extra money. What didn't happen was any real progress towards improving our communication and intimacy and he still hasn't even begun to look for a job. I don’t see online or live poker as a viable option unless he has a part time job etc and it often seems to lead to more depression.

 

We had our 4th counseling session on Monday (which was supposed to be last) but both himself and the counselor wanted to schedule more. I felt very unhappy in my relationship and explained to the counselor and the ex that I felt I wasn't getting my needs met and that I didn’t really want to continue to “wait” for things to get better. Later in the evening after some more fighting I decided it was time for us to break up and told him so.

 

Unfortunately he really has nowhere he can go. He has no money and I don’t have enough money to put him up in his own place and still pay my own living expenses. His family has some fairly serious issues and aren’t always good resources plus they do not live here. So while it has been suggested that he stay with his mom and try to paint some mural for her to make some money neither her nor him seem that sold on the idea and I don’t know if it will happen.

 

So.. there is the core of the issue. I am now broken up with my boyfriend but he is still living in my home and sleeping on the couch. He is way more depressed and feels I made the wrong decision to end our relationship just as he was trying to pull himself out of the “funk” he has been in. We are fighting even more now. When we aren’t fighting everything is uncomfortable etc and I just don’t know how to be in the same space with him. I have been going out more, trying to spend time at my son’s house and of course I work all day but I don’t want to entirely move out of my place that I pay the rent for just to allow him to stay comfortably. I even have a studio outside the house but he would rather sleep on the couch because “the cats are inside” and he wants to be around them.

 

I find myself going between extreme anxiety that he does not have a plan to leave soon and on occasion wondering if I didn’t make a huge mistake to even start this whole breakup process now. Because the other side of all that is that there are also reasons why I have stayed. We do have many things in common and have built a life together complete with cats, garden, etc. When we aren’t fighting we are certainly comfortable together and beyond that even quite happy at times. And I do love him and I know I will miss him greatly when he is not around as we have only spent 1 or 2 nights away from one another in 6 years. It is hard when he is here in the house and I go out to the garden and think about how things will be here when he is gone.

 

I have told him that if he can stay with his mother or step dad out of state for a bit and try to figure out what he wants and give me some space to figure out what I am doing. And if we can learn to communicate etc. In other words if the things I brought up in July start to change there is a possibility for reconciliation in the future. I have told him he doesn’t need to move his stuff out to go down there we can store it here. I am not trying to be hateful or spiteful. I just don’t know how long I can keep doing this without going crazy. Sometimes at night I just want to go out to the couch hug him tell him to come to bed and forget all the bad stuff for now. Othertimes I want to throw him out of the house right now and start dating and forget he was ever a part of my life. Most times I just feel sad and confused, hurt and unsure.

 

HELP!!

[Philosoraptor]

He is not your job to baby anymore. You have been enabling his behavior and continue to do so by not kicking him out and forcing him to grow up. He has clearly shown that there is going to be no action on his part unless it is forced, and his actions seem to show he doesn't believe you are going to do anything about it.

 

Depression, lack of motivation, laziness, or not... this is your home and if you want him out you need to do something about it.

[1up]

IMO, If you are having conflicting feelings ie/ one night wanting to tell him to come back to bed and forget everything horrible, and then one day wanting to toss him out, It sounds like you really are VERY unsure how you feel about this man. I bet ya if he leaves you will probably regret it. I say to have a very long hard think about this and if you are sure you want him gone, stick to your guns and make arrangements to have him slowly move out. If hes unemployed and has nowhere to go he obviously cant be thrown out on the streets but you will both have to decide that hes moving out with and have some action plans to ensure this is done civilly

[Arianna72]

Yesterday was better in the sense that we did not have a single argument and he was even friendly with me at times.

 

1up

I am not really unsure on my feelings, I know I care about him and love him very much but I also recognize that our relationship is terribly unhealthy and that I have already let it go on far longer than I should have. I know I am going to miss him horribly when he leaves. I realize he is certainly my best friend right now and I also count on him as a roommate a lot as well, my mom always wanted me to have a garden for example and he has made an awesome vegetable and flower garden at our place that I likely won't be able to take care of by myself.

 

Philosoraptor

I know that he is not my job but I also don't want to appear cruel. Even most of my family who know how rough things have been for me seem to be advocating for me to not just throw him out and obviously I would prefer he make a plan to have somewhere to go but I am just not sure when/if that will happen.

 

 

I do think you are on to something in the sense that he doesn't believe I will actually do anything. He hasn't told the one friend he does talk to in town that I broke up with him. He claims that is because he is unclear about where things stand between us but I have been very clear that we are no longer together. He keeps saying things like well you supposedly were broken up. My response continues to be. "I did break up with you. We are not together anymore". I don't see anything unclear about that.

 

I have said that I don't know what will happen in the future for us. That perhaps if we can both move forward with our lives and figure out what we really want in life and in a relationship that there is always the possibility of reconciliation in the future. But even there I have made it clear that I am not talking about taking a 2 week break or something but rather that both of us would need to make real and substantial changes in our lives.

 

He keeps bringing up that he is so confused about the state of our relationship because less than a week before I broke things off I was telling him about how much I loved him and wanted to spend my life with him which is true. I don't think I am doing the greatest job of explaining how I can be having both feelings at the same time. In my head I understand it but I can't seem to explain it to him and at this point I don't know that it is a good idea for me to continue trying.

 

Do I need to just say there is no hope for a future even though that is not how I feel and not what I want him to believe just to get him to move forward?

 

I have agreed to go to another counseling session with him on Monday at 4. He is going to go talk to the therapist on his own at 1 Monday, which for whatever reason makes me feel a bit odd since she hasn't even really heard my story at all in all of this. But I suppose since the goal is for him to move forward with his life it doesn't really matter that I feel weird about him telling his story to "our therapist" one on one.

[Arianna72]

I am feeling really overwhelmed right now.

 

It is now sounding like neither of his parents are willing to let him stay with them. His mom is saying she may have a friend that he can stay with for the 2nd and 3rd week of October.

 

I am really worried that he and I are simply not going to be able to continue living together for that long. I am scared that the one thing he is holding onto right now is that maybe after some time apart we can reconcile and if we keep living together and fighting that possibility seems further and further away.

 

What am I really supposed to do. This is someone that I do care about greatly and I don't want to just toss him out of the house. I don't even really feel good about any of the options that he seems to believe are his only choices as they all sound miserable and I am not looking to make his life miserable. I swear if I had the money I would try to rent him a place or something myself but I can barely cover the bills at my own place

[Philosoraptor]

You can not take care of someone who is unwilling to take care of themselves. And someone who truly cares about you and the relationship is going to take the actions necessary to make things work. This is not a battle you can fight alone, as much as you seem to want to.

 

Again, he's not going to take action until someone forces him to. He doesn't believe you are going to take any action and he's happily squatting and letting you take care of him. You want a partner, not a child. And right now you need to take care of yourself for your own health and happiness.

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

How do you know if you are affected by someone's drinking?

 

Millions of people are affected by the excessive drinking of someone close. The following questions are designed to help you decide whether or not you need Al-Anon:

 

1. Do you worry about how much someone drinks?

 

2. Do you have money problems because of someone else’s drinking?

 

3. Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else’s drinking?

4. Do you feel that if the drinker cared about you, he or she would stop drinking to please you?

 

5. Do you blame the drinker’s behavior on his or her companions?

 

6. Are plans frequently upset or canceled or meals delayed because of the drinker?

 

7. Do you make threats, such as, “If you don’t stop drinking, I’ll leave you”?

 

8. Do you secretly try to smell the drinker’s breath?

 

9. Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout?

 

10. Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker’s behavior?

 

11. Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking?

 

12. Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse?

 

13. Do you search for hidden alcohol?

 

14. Do you ever ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking?

 

15. Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?

 

16. Do you feel like a failure because you can’t control the drinking?

 

17. Do you think that if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?

 

18. Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker?

 

19. Do you feel angry, confused, or depressed most of the time?

 

20. Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?

 

If you have checked any of these questions, Al-Anon or Alateen may be able to help. Find a meeting now.

 

How do you know if you are affected by someone's drinking?

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

I am feeling really overwhelmed right now.

--because you are care taking and trying to rescue a grown man who is not your responsibility.

 

It is now sounding like neither of his parents are willing to let him stay with them.

 

--good decision.

 

His mom is saying she may have a friend that he can stay with for the 2nd and 3rd week of October.

 

---enabling

 

I am really worried that he and I are simply not going to be able to continue living together for that long. I am scared that the one thing he is holding onto right now is that maybe after some time apart we can reconcile and if we keep living together and fighting that possibility seems further and further away.

 

What am I really supposed to do.

 

--Live YOUR life only.

 

This is someone that I do care about greatly and I don't want to just toss him out of the house.

--He is experiencing the consequences of HIS poor choices.

 

 

I don't even really feel good about any of the options that he seems to believe are his only choices as they all sound miserable and I am not looking to make his life miserable.

 

-- They are HIS options, yet you are owning them AND taking the responsibility that YOU are MAKING his life miserable?

 

I swear if I had the money I would try to rent him a place or something myself but I can barely cover the bills at my own place

--enabling. You wish to buy off your guilt?

 

He is a man, not a child. Stop treating him as such. He will never grow into responsibility with you trying to *fix* his life. You are stealing the only life experiences that will make this man grow up and be responsible. You need Al-Anon.

[Arianna72]

I appreciate you posting about Al-Anon and I do understand the issues around enabling and co-dependence. I am sure that attending meetings could offer me some support right now. I work in a residential treatment program for youth with criminal and A&D issues been there for 18 years. Our youth attend regular AA meetings and several also go to Ala-Teen or Al-Anon. Honestly I am not one of the staff here who is a huge believer in the overall effectiveness of 12 step programs. I know they work for some people but not for everyone. Turns out one size actually does not really fit all . I am however seeing a therapist and the ex and I were also starting couples counseling prior to the break-up.

 

It is true that I want a partner not a child and that is why I have taken steps to end things. My hope is that he and I will spend some time apart working on ourselves and sometime in the future we might be able to work towards reconciliation or at the least an understanding of what we need to do differently in future relationships.

 

What I am stuck on is that I really thought that at least for a short time he would have family to help him out. To me that is just what family does. I am very close with my family despite any issues we have had and it is just so sad to me that any parents would chose not to be this way.

 

I have always known that his family had some serious issues his mother left him for several years when he was young and when he was in his early teens his parents sent both him and his sister to a residential program to "fix" them. It was a pretty horrible place that was shortly afterwards shut down and had criminal charges filed against them for a variety of things including molestation of kids, and the death of a youth in in S. Calif (place was called CEDU look it up if you want to be depressed). Since his sister committed suicide back in 2010 his mom has been saying she wanted to work on their relationship. He wanted to go there so they could possibly do some therapy and begin mending their relationship but she seems determined to break it further.

 

Things are usually not just black and white and obviously there is a whole lot of information that I simply did not include with my post because going over everything would have meant writing a novel that no one wants to spend the time reading just to offer a stranger advice on a website. In many circumstances I would agree that a persons parents should not continue to enable a grown man by allowing him to stay with them. However in this instance I really believe the relationships with his family are a huge part of the struggles he is having with moving forward in his life. His mom isn't saying she doesn't want him there because she doesn't want to enable him etc. She is telling him she wants them to "improve their relationship first" and that unless he agrees with her that the place she sent him was good for his sister despite her suicide she does not want him around her. They haven't really spoken much since the suicide and she seems fixated on telling him how she spent "a lot of money" sending he and his sister to the place and that she believes it was good for his sister.

 

I do on an intellectual level understand that I cannot continue to take care of him and that he needs to actually take some actions to take care of himself. But the very practical aspects of what that would look like are tough for me. Is it going to actually mean throwing him out of the house with nowhere to go? It is into Oregon's rainy season and the town we live in doesn't have homeless shelters or anything like that. I literally have no clue where he could go. I know that is in the end something he has to figure out but I don't think it comes across as very caring to someone I have spent 6 years with and who has also put a lot into the relationship in his own way. I don’t want to leave him feeling like I am yet another person who is abandoning him. He has been on his own for a long time and has in the past taken care of himself and I know he is capable but I think he is just so lost right now.