rosa1128 Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 Brand spankin' newbie here, looking for advice - hello! I've been dating a man for about three years but we broke up a few months ago because he had to admit he had cheated on me four months prior to our break up with a co-worker. He slept with her twice but she stayed off his advances so he quit pursuing her (for now) however they still talk as they are co-workers. The whole situation is complicated because he and I were actually together in secret because when we started our affair, he was still married (and still is but has been moved out of the house for a year now - no money for a divorce yet.) Our relationship was great at first, he treated me well, wanted to see me as often as possible, the sex was mind-blowing (and still would be) but due to emotional issues he could never say he loved me although I knew he cared deeply. We went through a lot of ups and downs due to his wanting to leave his wife and moving out then back in then back out again. He was confused, had a hard time making decisions, felt very guilty (they have grown children who still live at home) felt lost and didn't know what he wanted. We tried to break up several times ourselves but it never stuck. It's been rocky for us since he moved out last year- him saying he wanted to come decisions on his own without my influence (and I have been as impartial as humanly possible) and mostly saying that even if he knows who I am - that I love him, that I'd take care of him, the sex is often and amazing, we have a strong connection and that we are best friends - since I was the first one he went to after his wife, he still wants to try being on his own and seeing if there is someone else he would want to be with and that he does not know what he wants. Of course, this is killing me and after I found out about the affair I had to break it off. But I can't stick to it. It's like he has such a pull on me and knows it. In essence, he thinks I would wait for him and in all honesty if I could push a fast forward button and get him through 'this' to get him to come to me, I would. Am I just being a doormat? Though I feel more like I am his safety net. I know the best way to get past this is to go NC and just get over him. If he chooses to be with someone else or keeps pursuing the co-worker I'd have to do that anyway. I don't have to see him and didn't when he was off work for five weeks but that wasn't enough time for me to get over him (or, in my head I knew I could check in with him and was just biding my time) - he does pick ups where I work and I could avoid him but I always opt to see him. I think I do this because A. I want to B. I feel like if he sees me, he will still be attracted C. If he doesn't see me then he will try to be with someone else (although this seems to be the agenda anyway but at least he knows I'm around) and D. we hit it off enjoyably like old friends. He has said he wished he did things the 'right way' meaning getting the divorce and then dating me, but hindsight being 20/20 and all that... I still love him and want him and forgive him - he knows this too. But I can't seem to just break. It. Off! Ugh. Intellectually I know that if I can stay NC, eventually I will date someone else and possibly not even care about this man but emotionally I am still attached and will take any excuse to see him and grasp any little bit of hope even if he said not to hold on to false hope. I'm over thinking everything and I don't know what to do, so here I am... I can't even tell anyone because it's always been a secret. Sorry this is so long, but I'd appreciate any advice! It's like I know I should give up on him in my head but my heart just keeps clinging because I know deep down and underneath that he is IT for me. I know the future is impossible to predict but I want to figure out where my chances are better and then again, I feel crazy for wanting to!
whatatangledweb Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 I know you are hurting but this man will give you even more pain as time goes by. He has cheated on you while he was cheating with you in his marriage. Now he tells you he wants to look around and see if there is someone better for him. He does not know what he wants except to sleep with several women. Please save yourself more heartbreak and end it with him. 1
Desirable Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 ^ I agree...he really has no idea what he wants and I think you should pull yourself away from him in order to save yourself even more pain. I know you feel attachments to this person, especially since he has been in your life for three years, but you need to pull yourself out of this situation, go NC, and let him deal with his issues and try to figure out what he wants on his own. It is time to focus on you and your well being!
clw Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 I'm in quite a similiar situation, except his 'cheatings' are online chatting/flirting..caught him several times..told myself each time it's time for me to break it off and go but never managed to. While I'm in no position to give you any advise, I do hope you get some valuable ones from the others and wish the best for you..
tiernan Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 Rosa, I am sorry you are going through this. His cheating on you is a deal breaker. I had a similar situation - read my thread - and nothing was ever the same afterwards and he claimed he loved me terribly and left his wife for me. I forgave him and it was a mistatake, as now I am hearbroken as he expressed wish to come back to his family. He is not into your R, without your involvement it would have finished long time ago. Save your heart from this man.
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 I don't understand the thought process of its wrong to cheat ON me, but perfectly acceptable to cheat WITH me. The problem does not lie with the other person, it lies within you. Why was it okay to hurt another? I have a hard time believing you were ever impartial. If you were, you would have been devastated at your behaviour towards his wife and kids, let alone his. Trying to figure out or manipulate him (plan A,B or C) is a waste of time. In the end, its you , that you have to live with. Its you that you have control over.
Solcita2 Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 I think this is simpler than you think. He's a cheater. period... He's not worth it... he will always "like" the OW more... he liked you because you were the OW... now you're not, so he likes somebody else... Save yourself!
Author rosa1128 Posted September 21, 2013 Author Posted September 21, 2013 Thank you all for the encouragement to go NC, which I know is the right choice, just so very hard to do. Stupid love! A lot of what I read hits me right in the gut. I know he's flawed and that I'm flawed too but together we seemed to connect and get along extremely well. I left out a lot of detail as to not be recognizable (even though unlikely) and really we are average, well thought of people. I didn't post this thread to be judged and was naive to think I wouldn't be, but I suppose it's constructive criticism. I don't understand the thought process of its wrong to cheat ON me, but perfectly acceptable to cheat WITH me. I know cheating is wrong, but of course if you are cheated ON it's going to hurt. I'm not saying my pain is worth more than anyone else's. I'm not saying it was ok to hurt someone else - there was enormous guilt throughout, I chose not to get into that here. I'm trying to move forward and I am reaching out for advice. I actually appreciate your thought process and do understand that I am the one in control of me and my actions. Unfortunately, I jumped into this R without thinking of the consequences enough (clearly) and I suppose I now pay the price and yes, have hurt others along the way. "If he cheated on his wife he will cheat on you too". OWs refuse to believe this, but it happens. Why would I refuse to believe this when it happened to me - I actually was a bit worried he would but I have trust issues in general. He had been faithful to his wife for over 20 years until he fell out of love and I think he would be faithful if he loved again. Tiernan- I read your original thread and it made me tear up - I feel for you and hope that you are still NC and doing well. Is it easier yet? Hugs to you! clw- I hope you'll find a way to making a move that will make YOU happy. Thanks for your posting. I really appreciate all the posts - I guess I need to be hit over the head to figure out what is best for ME instead of what is best for us...because there is no us anymore. And believe me I will do a 180 if any MM ever looks in my direction! (Sorry I can't figure out the quote by name function yet!)
Author rosa1128 Posted September 22, 2013 Author Posted September 22, 2013 The two of you mirror each other. Consider psych evaluatyion to see why you go for a man with so many flaws. Have already started to see a therapist. Aren't we all flawed in some way though? I have my own theory as to why I would go after an apparently flawed man, although I didn't see or maybe accept that he was "so" flawed until I had already fallen for him... This is the hallmark of most single APs. They are so needy that they cannot think. Quite possibly true! However, I do know I will NEVER even consider a MM again as I said before. Women that are prone to be OWs think that men only cheat if they have an evil wife that does not love OM anymore. Wrong!!!! Most men cheat because they are cheaters, they are dishonest. His wife did still love him, he fell out of love with her for many reasons and gave up working on the marriage. You're right though, I do see now that he is dishonest and I know he would have a really hard time seeing himself as such. He is not in a good place and is working on himself now too, well, as far as I know. Pierre- you are absolutely correct - I am going NC! Lesson learned and moving on! Thanks.
Author rosa1128 Posted September 24, 2013 Author Posted September 24, 2013 Posting this here to vent. Three days NC but realtively easy cuz of the weekend. Saw his truck parked at my workplace for his pick up and did NOT go to see him...but almost cried just knowing he was there. UGH. I did not really have the urge to go see him but wow, I didn't expect that emotion.
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