without a paddle Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 My problem is my mother, and my husband. First, my husband: So we've been married since the end of April. Things where never perfect, and I'm nearly 100% positive that things aren't going to be perfect, or get any better. My husband is a nice man, and he tries to do the right thing. What the problem is, is he spends nearly ALL his time "working". He does marketing. The only thing about his working all the time gets him nothing. Right now, hes working for/ part owns a medical billing company that pays its employees more than its owners. He literally puts in about 10 hours a day, and that's not including all the time he spends on the phone, working. He's been doing this for months, and has not gotten a single dime. Also, he never wants to spend time with me. When he's not working, hes on some video game on the internet. We do live together. But we only spend time around each other. I can never get in a conversation. When I try talking to him, he either gets angry and tells me to shut up, or he just ignores me. I try addressing the issue, but its the same answer every time. "I'm sorry, as soon as this pays off, you wont have this problem anymore." or something around those lines. He's used the word "sorry" so many times that it has no meaning anymore. When my grandmother passed away, he promised to be there for me. Before she died, she was my ask all, tell all, teddy bear. She always listened to me, and always had advice on how to solve my toughest problems. She was the ONLY person who had any kind of respect for me, and it seemed like she was the ONLY person to somewhat love me like I loved the rest of my family. About a week or so before she died, I had the sickest feeling in my gut that I was about to lose one of the two people I loved most. My husband basically promised to fill her shoes for me, but so far, he has done nothing of the sort. Without my grandma, everything seems nearly impossible. My mother: Everyday, I come home, hoping that something will be different, and I'll be greeted with "Hi, how was your day", or something like that, instead of "why didn't you text me back". He cheated with his ex wife for my birthday last year, (at least that's all i know about), and insisted it was my fault, and now he's constantly accusing me of cheating. I go to my moms everyday to take care of her lazy ass and my son (since she insisted on having custody of him, now he thinks her house is his home, and now he refuses to live with me). I clean her house and cook dinner for my little brother, her brother, and my grandma before she passed. My son is this sweet little autistic boy, so he gets to go to therapy twice a week. I take him there. Since he is "disabled" he is receiving SSDI, or SSI, I'm not completely sure which it is. Correction, my mother is receiving it. As well as CAL-Works. I on the other hand, do not receive anything. I am, in truth, mentally disabled. I have problems with emotions. Example, I can be fine one minute, and the next I can not stop crying. I am also PTSD. One reason being, is my mother and grandmother let my uncle beat me up on four separate occasions, and did nothing to help me. But that's only four of the hundreds, if not thousands of reasons behind my PTSD. Because of the PTSD, there are tons on top of tons of negative things people have done to me, that I can not let go. Of course, my uncle being one of them. I am haunted by nearly everything. Let me add, that I can not control this. Trust and believe, I wouldn't think about anything if I could control it. Back to my mother. Of everything that I do for her, she finds it unesscesary to even think of compensating me for my time and gas. I would love to stay home, do my homework, and worry about my house being clean and dinner being cooked. She lives almost 20 miles away from me, so EVERY DAY, that's almost 40 miles. In a week, that's almost 300 miles. I only get $200 a month from GR. It's nearly impossible to find a job, especially with my stupid mental health. I asked her once, if she didn't have the money from the government (for my son, not from her retirement) would she be hurting. First, she answered no, and then proceeded to get mad at me. So basically, my mother expects me to sacrifice every drop of my time to do for her, and she can't even give me gas to be able to go over there every day. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother, but she expects too much from me, when I don't have a lot to give. Same with my husband, he expects me to put up with him being a jerk, trashing my house, and him spending the little bit of money we do have to "support his business." I do not know how to handle any of this.
CC12 Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 As far as your husband working so much, I think that's kind of expected when starting up a new company. The owners sometimes go without paychecks in order to keep the business running. That's just kind of how it is. Does he have savings that you two are living off of? Is there plenty of money to keep this going for a while longer? It is unfortunate that he doesn't make more of an effort to spend time with you when he's not at work. This is always tricky, though, because when people work long hours, they need time to unwind and relax and not talk about issues all the time. Do you think you're giving him enough space to do that? Have you ever been straight with him and told him that you're feeling neglected? It isn't right that he yells at you or tells you to shut up. Also, he cheated on you on your birthday? Did I read that right? As far as your mother, yes, she seems difficult and it is wrong that she let physical abuse slide. But as for the rest of it, I'm not sure where she's wronging you? She has custody of your son, so it seems reasonable that she gets his assistance checks. It also seems reasonable that you are the one who takes him to his appointments and pays for your own gas. But why are you the one who cleans and cooks dinner for everyone? Are they not capable of doing it themselves? If they can't provide basic things like meals or a clean house, then maybe that isn't the best environment for your son. Would you be able to give him proper care if he lived with you? 1
todreaminblue Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 (edited) hey, your post really touched my heart, i am sorry you lost your grandmother....grandparents are so special, so wise......their life experience invaluable that they impart with such patience and warmth......i lost my grandfather when i was young his memory remains with me.... i never really appreciated how much they meant to me until i didnt have them to talk to i took it for granted they would be around for a very long time...... no one can take the place of a treasured grandparent but you can use the words of support and love they shared with you while they were here and know you will see them again ...you will see her again you know....... with having ptsd you have to not take on too much stress it commonly triggers attacks.....flash backs.... with your husband i cant really say i am hearing your side of the story and i do know with ptsd that sometimes your reality is not seen the same way by others because your reality is colored by the past...sucks having a mental illness...what i know from mental illness and from having a complex mental illness myself is we have to be more understanding because even if we do feel wronged we have to give more benefit of the doubt with what we feel is happening this is where a third party who is neutral is beneficial.......someone who is keen to get to the root of the problem without bias...such as a mental health counsellor or marriage counsellor, or even a pastor of the church you go to ...someone who is not invested in either one more than the other, a person to share your concerns or concerns your partner might have, in a balanced and productive way to achieve resolution...... as far as your mum goes, it isnt possible for you to make it there everyday so you cannot do it...it is that simple,you cannot afford it...thats not your fault you just cant...period..... see if there is some support your mum can get other than you....that is what has to happen ...you are under stress and your mum of course is important to you... one thing at a time...your marriage and the guy you live with....first step ...first priority......my mum always told me .....your partner first ...keeping the family together is always first..that was when i had to decide whther to move away from the people i love(my mum my friends my sis)....my mum said to me you have to do what is right for your family....... you and your husband are a family...keep it together....my mum conceded that i needed to go, she didnt want me to go ....she would miss me....but she knew my partner and my family needed to be together...... your mum if she loves you completely as a mother should, would want happiness in your life and would understand you need to do some work as far as the marriage goes and not drop everything to travel and see her .....by the way...so does your husband...takes two....not just one...he has to be willing to work on it as hard as you do...maybe a way to help your husband with his work if he is doing it from home so the hours are shortened.......will make him less grumpy......dont run to your mums every day, you cant afford to any way, because while you are there the relationship between your husband and your self deteriorates, you need to do baby steps and try and work through this with a mental illness so you really do need to simplify.....with a third party i feel who is non bias towards your husband and yourself its not alright for your husband to be verbally abusive towards you ......its just wrong......its also not ok fr him not to spend any time with you ....but i cant say how to fix this ....a counsellor will help you work through it.......going through trials and rough times in a partnership is never going to be easy....it tests the fabric of the relationship...and if there is are flaws....when rough times happen those flaws begins to fray the base of the relationship..two individuals with conflicting ideals and problem solving capacity.....throw in mental illness and agression....not a good pattern to start with....but anything can be strengthened with faith and love...understanding compassion and ultimately.....the desire and passion not to give up because it gets hard....... i know its hard with mental illness i live with mental illness too and it is hard sometimes to understand others......when you are so caught up trying to understand what you are thinking and feeling especially separating flashbacks from reality......as soon as someone treats you badly it can cause you to flash.. so i really do think you are going to need outside help...i hope in some small way i have helped you too...keep smiling .....huge hugs....deb Edited September 20, 2013 by todreaminblue 1
clia Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 My problem is my mother, and my husband. First, my husband: So we've been married since the end of April. I'm assuming that none of the behavior you are complaining about with respect to your husband is new and only showed up in the past five months since you married him. So, why did you marry him? What did you expect to change? With regard to your mother -- she treats you like a doormat because you allow her to treat you like a doormat. You need to put your foot down. You can start by getting custody of your son back. Why don't you have custody of him? You then inform her in no uncertain terms that you will not be coming over to do all of this for her unless she compensates you for gas and your time. Also, if you are truly mentally disabled, then you should qualify for some form of assistance. You should look into that. 1
Author without a paddle Posted September 23, 2013 Author Posted September 23, 2013 As far as your husband working so much, I think that's kind of expected when starting up a new company. The owners sometimes go without paychecks in order to keep the business running. That's just kind of how it is. Does he have savings that you two are living off of? Is there plenty of money to keep this going for a while longer? It is unfortunate that he doesn't make more of an effort to spend time with you when he's not at work. This is always tricky, though, because when people work long hours, they need time to unwind and relax and not talk about issues all the time. Do you think you're giving him enough space to do that? Have you ever been straight with him and told him that you're feeling neglected? It isn't right that he yells at you or tells you to shut up. Also, he cheated on you on your birthday? Did I read that right? As far as your mother, yes, she seems difficult and it is wrong that she let physical abuse slide. But as for the rest of it, I'm not sure where she's wronging you? She has custody of your son, so it seems reasonable that she gets his assistance checks. It also seems reasonable that you are the one who takes him to his appointments and pays for your own gas. But why are you the one who cleans and cooks dinner for everyone? Are they not capable of doing it themselves? If they can't provide basic things like meals or a clean house, then maybe that isn't the best environment for your son. Would you be able to give him proper care if he lived with you? Well with my husband, no, we dont have anything to hold us afloat. Just last night, he was a lil buzzed, and confessed to me that he spent almost $1000 on the company. I was wondering why he wasn't buying many groceries and what not.. This company doesn't even make a dime. Literally. Yes, you read right, but it was actually the day before. I have tried to talk about the issue with him, but unfortunatly, he has the same reaction, which is to shut me up, because I'm "talking about too much negative ****". Even though I live kinda far from my mom, I take care of my son every day. She dosn't really do much. She buys things he needs, but asides from that, she just stays in her room all day, and watches tv. Real hermit like.. I dont want to sound greedy, but she has more than enough income to at least pay for my gas. She insisted on having custody of him, but she dosnt want to do anything in taking care of him, and she collects on her disablity and his.. i mean come on. I guess I should add in there that I come a kinda ****ed up family. The last one of us with any real common sense was my grandma. Sounds kinda weird, but I want to be like her. She was a great woman, did great things, and was like the mediator. She brought peace and held the family and its wobbly legs together. I feel like I'm supposed to follow her footsteps. My mom isn't like her at all, and I do not want to be like my mom.
Author without a paddle Posted September 24, 2013 Author Posted September 24, 2013 I'm assuming that none of the behavior you are complaining about with respect to your husband is new and only showed up in the past five months since you married him. So, why did you marry him? What did you expect to change? With regard to your mother -- she treats you like a doormat because you allow her to treat you like a doormat. You need to put your foot down. You can start by getting custody of your son back. Why don't you have custody of him? You then inform her in no uncertain terms that you will not be coming over to do all of this for her unless she compensates you for gas and your time. Also, if you are truly mentally disabled, then you should qualify for some form of assistance. You should look into that. Well it was early July or maybe late June when he began talking with his business partner. I had no idea that things would be like this. We got married because that's what we wanted to do. He loves me, I love him. In fear of boring you, I'm not going to go into detail, lol, but we where made for each other. God blessed me with the sense of just knowing things, and I knew, not to long after we met, he was my husband, and I was his wife. Not too long after my son was born, I ended up having housing issues. My uncle moved back in (was my grandmas house back then) and he's this drunk idiot. Making the 3rd time he jumped on me, we had to leave. Since I couldn't keep stable housing, my mom kept insisting that she get custody of him so that she can keep take care of him until I got stable housing. Made sense back then. Now, today, I feel like she did that so she could get the extra money. Idk. Like I mentioned before, I come from a ****ed up family. Getting custody of him is going to be a long drawn out process, that I am not looking forward too.
Author without a paddle Posted September 25, 2013 Author Posted September 25, 2013 hey, your post really touched my heart, i am sorry you lost your grandmother....grandparents are so special, so wise......their life experience invaluable that they impart with such patience and warmth......i lost my grandfather when i was young his memory remains with me.... i never really appreciated how much they meant to me until i didnt have them to talk to i took it for granted they would be around for a very long time...... no one can take the place of a treasured grandparent but you can use the words of support and love they shared with you while they were here and know you will see them again ...you will see her again you know....... with having ptsd you have to not take on too much stress it commonly triggers attacks.....flash backs.... with your husband i cant really say i am hearing your side of the story and i do know with ptsd that sometimes your reality is not seen the same way by others because your reality is colored by the past...sucks having a mental illness...what i know from mental illness and from having a complex mental illness myself is we have to be more understanding because even if we do feel wronged we have to give more benefit of the doubt with what we feel is happening this is where a third party who is neutral is beneficial.......someone who is keen to get to the root of the problem without bias...such as a mental health counsellor or marriage counsellor, or even a pastor of the church you go to ...someone who is not invested in either one more than the other, a person to share your concerns or concerns your partner might have, in a balanced and productive way to achieve resolution...... as far as your mum goes, it isnt possible for you to make it there everyday so you cannot do it...it is that simple,you cannot afford it...thats not your fault you just cant...period..... see if there is some support your mum can get other than you....that is what has to happen ...you are under stress and your mum of course is important to you... one thing at a time...your marriage and the guy you live with....first step ...first priority......my mum always told me .....your partner first ...keeping the family together is always first..that was when i had to decide whther to move away from the people i love(my mum my friends my sis)....my mum said to me you have to do what is right for your family....... you and your husband are a family...keep it together....my mum conceded that i needed to go, she didnt want me to go ....she would miss me....but she knew my partner and my family needed to be together...... your mum if she loves you completely as a mother should, would want happiness in your life and would understand you need to do some work as far as the marriage goes and not drop everything to travel and see her .....by the way...so does your husband...takes two....not just one...he has to be willing to work on it as hard as you do...maybe a way to help your husband with his work if he is doing it from home so the hours are shortened.......will make him less grumpy......dont run to your mums every day, you cant afford to any way, because while you are there the relationship between your husband and your self deteriorates, you need to do baby steps and try and work through this with a mental illness so you really do need to simplify.....with a third party i feel who is non bias towards your husband and yourself its not alright for your husband to be verbally abusive towards you ......its just wrong......its also not ok fr him not to spend any time with you ....but i cant say how to fix this ....a counsellor will help you work through it.......going through trials and rough times in a partnership is never going to be easy....it tests the fabric of the relationship...and if there is are flaws....when rough times happen those flaws begins to fray the base of the relationship..two individuals with conflicting ideals and problem solving capacity.....throw in mental illness and agression....not a good pattern to start with....but anything can be strengthened with faith and love...understanding compassion and ultimately.....the desire and passion not to give up because it gets hard....... i know its hard with mental illness i live with mental illness too and it is hard sometimes to understand others......when you are so caught up trying to understand what you are thinking and feeling especially separating flashbacks from reality......as soon as someone treats you badly it can cause you to flash.. so i really do think you are going to need outside help...i hope in some small way i have helped you too...keep smiling .....huge hugs....deb Thanks you everybody for your replies. It makes me feel alot better knowing that there's not only one or two, but three people, who are complete strangers, who had the time to listen That gives me more hope in this decaying world.. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!! And God Bless you guys <3
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