templeofmax Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 (edited) Some of you know my story here. 2.5 year relationship, with engagement included, but lots of petty fights, mostly because of my ex's insecurities, which sometimes drove me insane. I could not be myself as I am close to my sister, but this bothered her and I usually overreacted trying to fix the 'issue' instead of letting her go like she usually did (run away) to calm herself. I was anxious too and could not understand her, but felt attacked usually since her accusations with things I never did were so wrong. After another stupid fight, with her thinking that my sister manipulates me and me disrespecting her, she broke it off, for good this time, with the family involved, etc. One of her cousins sent messages to me and my sister insulting us, even after my grandfather passed away the next day and she knew that and kept at it. Her sister's response to me was 'take it with a grain of salt'. I know the BU was not because of lack of love because I would had seen it. It was about she getting fed up with my disrespect, her insecurities and my sister being close to me in a 'normal' way. She was close to her family as well, so I always felt like 'what about me?'. Anyhow, 5 months after, when the depression and anger stages have subsided, I have worked really hard on myself, becoming more humble and less angry in general. I am actually proud of what I have done. However, I have also developed a deep sense of regret because sometimes I did not treat her right (yelling and a couple of times insults) and I did apologize right after and knew it was wrong of me, but she also understood it was my anxiety talking. However, now that I understand her issues more, I know how she felt in those times and it kills me that I couldn't let her deal with that her way. I probably made her issue bigger, and even if she is done for good as in never talk again, I have this deep urge to apologize and tell her how sorry I am. Yes, she was a pain sometimes to deal with and she hanged up the phone, yelled at me, even also insulted me a couple of times, but I should have shown more compassion. Then, I wasn't in that emotional place, however. I have tried texting her a few times, but no response. I apologized through text to her family with no response. Even put her first before my sister cause I know my sister is much stronger emotionally and can deal with her cousins insults, but she just refuses to answer anything. I know for a fact she is working on her issues and I am glad I was able to help her understand them a bit more, cause sometimes I was patient for her and guided her (having suffered from OCD, I know what anxiety does). So I have to be selfless and let her go and do what she needs to do to get better even if I miss her like crazy. I cannot keep on sending her messages about how sorry I am, etc, etc. I know her family is probably 'protecting her insecurities' and blaming me and my sister for my ex's imaginations, so I am angry at them for being so ignorant and actually encouraging her thoughts, but I am very compassionate towards my ex. I simply don't want her to suffer anymore and its a work she has to do for herself. Yeah, I took beatings for it and threw myself in the fire for her, but I have a big heart and feel soooo bad at the things I did. However, the issue now is that there is this girl I know from many years ago (her family and mine are long-time friends) who I recently got in contact with again through family, and physically and intellectually I like her and asked her out on a date and we will go out in a couple of weeks. I was very hesitant since I am clearly not over the other girl and am confident that when I completely go NC instead of sending the random text message, she may reach out in the future. However, I have to continue my life and a couple of months ago I was not ready, but now I am. I cannot keep waiting on illusions or wait till she 'gets better', especially if she doesn't respond to anything. I know for a fact that this other girl has been looking also in the Jewish community and she is getting tired of the same old same old. I do feel a little guilty since I had said to my ex that I would fight for her, whatever that means, and with this girl, since I am not over my ex. But, I cannot wait to be over her to start dating again, cause it could take a long time (I am 33 and not getting one day younger) and I need to find new horizons or if not, I'll get stuck in my house after work watching TV, listening to music and playing guitar, waiting and waiting for something that may not happen. I like this new girl and its an opportunity that I can't let go since she is single and emotionally stable. I don't see this as a rebound, but a new opportunity for me and my life that I think I deserve. I am just so confused. Edited September 20, 2013 by templeofmax
lovesucks76 Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 It sounds like you had a lot of conflict while in the RS with your ex. Thats never good. Maybe its a good thing you're moving on. Mutual respect is essential in any RS. Whatever happened in the past in can not be fixed. Focus on the present is possible. I don't think you need to worry about apologizing, it's over. Time to get out there and start having some fun again, right? I'm glad you're going on a date.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 If you are writing here on this site about it and asking about it, you're not ready. Things like dating again take time, and yes I get the feeling of "not getting any younger" TRUST me....with that said, you are obviously still hung up on your ex. If you started dating this new girl and a couple months in, your ex just HAPPENS to text you saying "I'm so sorry for everything. All I want to do is be in your life forever. I made a huge mistake PLEASE lets work on this again.".....that poor other girl doesnt stand a chance and that isnt fair to you and DEFIANTLY not her. Take more time for yourself. You need MORE time
Author templeofmax Posted September 20, 2013 Author Posted September 20, 2013 If you are writing here on this site about it and asking about it, you're not ready. Things like dating again take time, and yes I get the feeling of "not getting any younger" TRUST me....with that said, you are obviously still hung up on your ex. If you started dating this new girl and a couple months in, your ex just HAPPENS to text you saying "I'm so sorry for everything. All I want to do is be in your life forever. I made a huge mistake PLEASE lets work on this again.".....that poor other girl doesnt stand a chance and that isnt fair to you and DEFIANTLY not her. Take more time for yourself. You need MORE time I know what you are saying. Its just the way my ex handled things, breaking up over email, not really being there after my grandpa's passing, ignoring my sister when she ask her to stop her cousin from insulting her, etc, ignoring me for 5 months! I mean, I know when I go completely NC, she may actually wonder and if she still has feelings, reach out (she was very jealous, but that is not LOVE, its NEED to feel her emotional void), and who knows where I'll be there, but I need to grow a pair. Yes, I feel for her and want her to get better cause I do care for her, but at this point I just want to go out with this girl and get to know her more. I need to somewhat force myself to get out there a bit because I could miss my ex for years if I keep just praying and hoping. I hope she does get better and if she called me today, I would probably talk to her about it, but 2-3 months down the road? Who knows? Its not OK to reach out only when she she is afraid I am truly moving on. I am empathetic with her feelings, but I have those too and I did suffer a lot with everything that happened.
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