He "hides" me from his girlfriend

[Lila120]

I have a friend, who's actually my best friend. We text everyday, he calls me everyday, and we talk about literally everything. I can really count on him when I need and he always comes to me for advice too.

Our friendship started when he tried to hook up with me... he said he found me attractive and wanted a friends with benefits relationship. However I declined for obvious reasons. One of them is that he's in a relationship with his GF for six years and they're engaged. I also don't see him as more than a friend and don't have any intentions with him. I blew him off, but we kept talking and became really good friends.

 

Here's the issue I'm having though. He only sees his girlfriend on the weekends, and on the weekends, he doesn't text me and if he does, he acts like it's casual talk and I'm his acquaintance so his girlfriend doesn't "find out" we're close friends. He also always asks to go out with me during the week, but I'm usually busy during the week and free on the weekends. The few times we went out together, he tried to hook up with me, and I ended up getting annoyed because he was trying to take advantage of me AND his girlfriend. So I told him I would not go out with him again and would end the friendship if this kept happening. He then said he would stop because he'd do anything to stay friends with me.

 

He has also said several times that he wanted to go out with me and his GF so we would get to know each other, and I agreed, since I don't know his girlfriend personally and it would also be on a weekend which would make it easier for me. The thing is, it never happens! He always makes an excuse for it, but he's just too chicken to actually introduce me to her (he says she's jealous of everything).

 

It's really starting to upset me. For example, when he's on the phone with me, he'll tell his parents he's taking to a male friend. Which is also weird because he's a 27 year old man and I find it a bit childish to do this. He hides me from everyone and I'm nothing more than his friend! I just don't get it... I have to be careful all the time because if I send a message "at the wrong time", he gets upset with me because "I should know better not to talk to him when he's with his GF", but how the hell am I supposed to know he's with her? (when it's not on the weekends)

 

I really care about him as a friend and I respect their relationship and have no intentions in ruining it, however I don't understand why he makes such a big deal out of it and tries really hard to hide me from everybody when I'm only his friend?

[CC12]

I don't understand why he makes such a big deal out of it and tries really hard to hide me from everybody

 

Because your friendship is inappropriate and he knows it?

 

He definitely seems to have feelings for you or at least has intentions to 'hook up' so of course he's going to hide you. But you're going right along with it. You alter your normal communication with him when he's with his girlfriend and you, I guess, don't say anything when you hear him lying about who he's talking to.

 

You said you have no intention of ruining their relationship, but you're still participating in what can most likely be described as an emotional affair on his end.

 

How long have you been friends?

[darkmoon]

you are hidden away, this is not a proper friendship, it might well have been once, but not now, back off, even if there is no sex with you he has a girl, he has decided that his girl must be his best friend, rightly so, and does not quite know what to do with you

 

"only his friend" sweet, but he has no huge need for you yet you seem so adamant that you must be in his life, but he is hinting to you that the opposite is true, perhaps his girl has put her foot down and his family knows hence the phone calls where he said to his family that u are a guy

 

he is being diplomatic with them

 

he loves his girlf more than he loves you, his behaviour tells me that

Edited September 20, 2013 by darkmoon

[writergal]

All the signs point to you being the other woman (in his mind at least). This is not a real friendship. He's stringing you along (like anyone does who is having an affair while they are in a relationship with someone else).

 

So you have a choice: end this emotional affair (it's not a real friendship, sorry to say, otherwise he wouldn't lie to people about your identity or get mad at you for texting him when he's with his girlfriend -- which how would you know, right?), or your other choice is to continue enabling this bozo to carry on lusting after you (you said he tries to hook up with you when you two are alone) while you play second fiddle to his girlfriend whom you'll never meet despite his promises.

 

You say you have no feelings for this guy - that it's just platonic - yet you continue to let him lie to and manipulate you as your "friend" for the six years that he's been with his current girlfriend. Six years?!?! That is a sign of low self esteem in my opinion. This guy wants his cake (his girlfriend) and wants to eat it too (hook up with you, friend with benefits). He told you when he first met you that he saw you as nothing more than a sexual hookup, that you say you rejected. Why would you want to be friends with a guy who sees you as nothing more than casual sex? Yuck. He doesn't respect you but I think you already know this from what you've experienced.

 

This situation is never going to change. He's probably going to marry his girlfriend and continue to keep you in his back pocket as a secret. He tells his parents you're a guy (while you're on the phone with him). You are not a priority in this guy's life. If he won't introduce you to his girlfriend now as his friend, do you really think he'll even invite you to his wedding? Nope. Good friends don't treat their friends the way this guy treats you. Think about it.

Edited September 20, 2013 by writergal

[Solcita2]

a 100% agree with the others... i think you should move to "The Other Woman" forum, because that's what you are to him... sorry...

[Lila120]

How long have you been friends?

 

Hmm let's say almost a year.

 

I did get mad at him several times because of his behavior... some things changed for the best, but some just stayed the same. I mean, looking at what you guys said now, if I really was his friend, what would be the problem of sending him a text message? I'm always texting friends and to me it's a normal thing for friends to do.

 

He says I'm his best friend and he tells me things he doesn't tell his girlfriend, and he comes to me to complain about his relationship with her (let's just say things are a 100% between them), however he doesn't treat me like a "friend", but more like all of you described him.

 

It would hurt me to end this friendship since we talk everyday and share laughs, but I think it's for the best, if not for him, then for me 'cause you start feeling like you're being used at some point.

[todreaminblue]

You feel its wrong because it is wrong.....if you have to hide friendships....thats not friendship...its something else...something that needs to be hidden is nearly always inappropriate.....deb

[writergal]

Hmm let's say almost a year.

 

He says I'm his best friend and he tells me things he doesn't tell his girlfriend, and he comes to me to complain about his relationship with her (let's just say things are a 100% between them), however he doesn't treat me like a "friend", but more like all of you described him.

 

It would hurt me to end this friendship since we talk everyday and share laughs, but I think it's for the best, if not for him, then for me 'cause you start feeling like you're being used at some point.

 

Oh really? Riiiiight. If you believe that (lie), I have a bridge to sell you....

[Lila120]

Well, all this time I was just trying to be comprehensive, since he tells me his girlfriend gets jealous at pretty much anything, I thought it was best to pretend we're not that close so I wouldn't cause conflict in their relationship. But truly, I'm starting to think that the problem here is him. If he can't be open with his girlfriend about who he's friends with, then I shouldn't be an accomplice.

 

He also acts like it's so normal to hide this friendship, that I have to understand that his girlfriend wouldn't accept it. But what about his parents? His co-workers? What the hell is up with that?

 

I just don't know, however, how to end this. How to tell him I no longer want this friendship...

[todreaminblue]

Well, all this time I was just trying to be comprehensive, since he tells me his girlfriend gets jealous at pretty much anything, I thought it was best to pretend we're not that close so I wouldn't cause conflict in their relationship. But truly, I'm starting to think that the problem here is him. If he can't be open with his girlfriend about who he's friends with, then I shouldn't be an accomplice.

 

He also acts like it's so normal to hide this friendship, that I have to understand that his girlfriend wouldn't accept it. But what about his parents? His co-workers? What the hell is up with that?

 

I just don't know, however, how to end this. How to tell him I no longer want this friendship...

 

 

I think you should just be honest and tell him it isn't normal to hide a friendship, that you aren't comfortable with this, and that if he cant be open about the friendship then you don't want to continue being friends with him....deb

[writergal]

Well, all this time I was just trying to be comprehensive, since he tells me his girlfriend gets jealous at pretty much anything, I thought it was best to pretend we're not that close so I wouldn't cause conflict in their relationship. But truly, I'm starting to think that the problem here is him. If he can't be open with his girlfriend about who he's friends with, then I shouldn't be an accomplice.

 

He also acts like it's so normal to hide this friendship, that I have to understand that his girlfriend wouldn't accept it. But what about his parents? His co-workers? What the hell is up with that?

 

I just don't know, however, how to end this. How to tell him I no longer want this friendship...

 

Easy.

 

Just tell him you don't think this friendship is healthy for you.

 

And remember: never explain.

 

Why?

 

"Never explain yourself to anyone, because the person who likes you doesn't need it. And the person who dislikes you won't believe it."

 

No email. No text. Just a simple, "that's it for me. buh-bye."

 

You can AND DO deserve to be treated better by men. This guy is a chump and it's time to put an end to his cycle of manipulation that you've enabled him to do to you.

 

You'll feel better after you detach yourself from this guy. He's leeched off you emotionally long enough. Time to detach the leech.

Edited September 20, 2013 by writergal

[whichwayisup]

You tell him it's totally inappropriate that you two are as close as you are and that his 'best friend' should be his future wife, not you.

 

You may miss the friendship but it's selfish friendship. Your intentions are pure but his aren't! Fact that he's hidden you from her and others, is bull crap.

 

Just be honest, that you adore him but the friendship is unhealthy and doing damage, that you hate that he hides you and it makes you feel bad that he won't include you IN his life on all levels.

[writergal]

You tell him it's totally inappropriate that you two are as close as you are and that his 'best friend' should be his future wife, not you.

 

You may miss the friendship but it's selfish friendship. Your intentions are pure but his aren't! Fact that he's hidden you from her and others, is bull crap.

 

Just be honest, that you adore him but the friendship is unhealthy and doing damage, that you hate that he hides you and it makes you feel bad that he won't include you IN his life on all levels.

 

^^Pay attention to the bolded part of WWIU's post to you OP. I agree with it 100%.

 

The only part I disagree with is giving him an explanation. I think explanations are beneath you in situations where the other person is treating you badly as this so-called guy has. He doesn't deserve a lengthy explanation of why you want to end your friendship with him based on everything that's been posted about his less-than-worthy behavior towards you.

 

Honestly, if you waste an explanation on him, it will fall on deaf ears because your emotional needs aren't important to him; he's only interested in himself.

 

You provide a fix for him right now on an emotional-affair sort of level. He'll beg you not to take away that fix (your undivided attention to the affairs of his relationship with his girlfriend b/c you are his sounding board 24/7) and he'll try to manipulate you to stay hooked to him. Don't fall for it. Seriously.

 

You've spent a year attached to an emotional manipulator whose brainwashed you into thinking you're the center of his universe (but only when its convenient for him). If you text him at the wrong time, he punishes you with guilt. He won't introduce you to his girlfriend or his family or friends. He tells his family you're a guy friend. He knows you're only available to socialize with him on the weekends, so that's why he invites you out during the week. And when he does invite you out, he tries to get into your pants. Just like the first time he met you, when he proposed a casual sex relationship with you. Even though you turned him down, he's kept you as his "aside," and lied to people about your identity and your existence.

 

Consider this a year-long lesson in who not to befriend in the future. And don't repeat it.

[Lila120]

 

You've spent a year attached to an emotional manipulator whose brainwashed you into thinking you're the center of his universe (but only when its convenient for him). If you text him at the wrong time, he punishes you with guilt. He won't introduce you to his girlfriend or his family or friends. He tells his family you're a guy friend. He knows you're only available to socialize with him on the weekends, so that's why he invites you out during the week. And when he does invite you out, he tries to get into your pants. Just like the first time he met you, when he proposed a casual sex relationship with you. Even though you turned him down, he's kept you as his "aside," and lied to people about your identity and your existence.

 

Wow you couldn't have said it any better. In the back of my mind I knew something was wrong. I have felt bad about myself during this whole time, because I would always think that I was an "intruder" in his life, when he only wanted to keep me as a secret. It was really annoying because every time we were on the phone and he was around his parents, he would talk to me as if I were a co-worker or a colleague, and I would always tell him that he could call me later if he felt it wasn't right to talk to me in front of them and he would always agree and end the call! I feel so angry at him right now, but somehow relieved to know that I wasn't supposed to feel bad and the he's the one who's not acting right.

[nescafe1982]

Maybe it was said in the forgoing thread (which I skimmed, sorry), but does have you met his girlfriend? What are you interactions like with her?

 

Still doesn't change much re: my response to this query, though. Your friendship seems clearly inappropriate (he tried to hook up with you while he was dating his GF? Am I reading that right? Really? um, HUGE red flag).

 

Furthermore, I'm not so sure your intentions are as clean as many others are saying here. Now hold on, I think it's good that you declined to fool around with a man who has a GF. BUT (and this is a big BUT): what are you doing creating a conversationally intimate ("he tells me everything!") kind of relationship with a taken man? That isn't cool, it crosses a boundary and I'm not sure any of the above responses make that clear enough.

 

Why am I harping on this aspect? Why focus on your role in creating this problematic and inappropriate friendship? Mostly because the best way to avoid ending up in this kind of hurtful situation in the future is to avoid making yourself a cathartic ego-boost for men in unhappy relationships. I mean, if you consistently set yourself up to be the women that a taken man goes to to have "close," intimate conversations, shared feelings, etc, you are flirting with the idea of truly becoming the Other Woman. Which (as you said) you do not want to be.

 

So my opinion? Stop putting yourself in this position. Don't engage in intimate types of relationships with men who are taken. End of story. As for this guy? I would back way, immediately. Put some distant between you and him: emotional, and probably even physical. Reestablish the proper boundaries... hopefully once that's done you can become the kind of friend that a man CAN tell his significant other about (or even one who becomes friends with the significant other!)

[nescafe1982]

 

The only part I disagree with is giving him an explanation. I think explanations are beneath you in situations where the other person is treating you badly as this so-called guy has. He doesn't deserve a lengthy explanation of why you want to end your friendship with him based on everything that's been posted about his less-than-worthy behavior towards you.

 

I concur with writergal here. I don't think an explanation will serve much to the good, honestly. The best way to fix an inappropriate relationship is to cease the inappropriate behavior. I don't know that a "heart-to-heart" is the best mode of action here.

 

FWIW, I had a male friend who started dating a woman who (to put it mildly) disapproved of our friendship. He started hiding his interactions with me. I didn't go in for a talk... I simply established new distance from him. And we remained friends... just on a more distant basis. I think a deep conversation would have only made things weirder.