Painful message

[Pancake08]

Last night i wrote to my husband(legaly separated for 3 months now).i told him that me and my son need him for everything and i honestly told him what i feel and also felt sorry if i've done wrong and i cant turn it back but i've learned my lesson. And he responded on me that He is done with me and i should find a way to survive and also he doesnt care, he said also that he care about our 5months old son but it doesnt seem like that, he spend more time with someone else that giving his son's need.

 

But my point is if my exH said it, you think guys there is no way to save our marriage? If your ex said those harsh words doesn it mean he is really done with us? Help me please!!

 

I feel pain in my chest knowing he doesnt care about us anymore but just yesterday he wanted to touch me so bad (had sex) and when he left after visiting my son he kissed me on my lips like what he is doing when we were together,, IS THere's any meaning for that too, help me to analize the situation.

[deni9]

Your husband seems confused and doesn't even know what he truly wants. I mean obviously he still has feelings for you and want you. but real man, would try fixing what really matters (you and your baby)

[Pancake08]

Do you think he still have feelings for me eventhough he is saying we are done and he cant see any future with me that he is happy with hos life now?

[vla1120]

I watched my husband's niece go through this. Her husband left her, wanted a divorce, but would seduce her when he would come to visit the kids. I know you still love him, but this will take a serious toll on your psyche, to let him have you when he wants. It is not fair to you and only you can put a stop to it. I just wanted to respond to that part because I saw first hand the damaging toll it took on my husband's niece.

 

If he does still love you, he will not want to hurt you in this way.

Edited September 20, 2013 by vla1120

[littlejaz]

I can't tell you for sure because I don't know your husband, but... in general women make love with the man they are in love with, men have sex with women. It does not mean they care or are in love with the women they have sex with. If you continue to have sex with him, you are asking to get hurt, because doubtfully does it mean the same to him as it does to you.

[Pancake08]

Arrg ii am so confused k don't know what to do anymore.. I iwanted to save my marriage not only because i still love him but also i wanna do it because of my 5 months old.. Is there s any way to win him back again,?

 

I allow him to use me because i was thinking maybe that way i can have him back.

[vla1120]

Arrg ii am so confused k don't know what to do anymore.. I iwanted to save my marriage not only because i still love him but also i wanna do it because of my 5 months old.. Is there s any way to win him back again,?

 

I allow him to use me because i was thinking maybe that way i can have him back.

 

I never really had the opportunity to use some of the theories presented out here, like no contact and 180's, but I've seen where it has helped other people. I also hope you will consider individual counseling to help you through this. As hard as it may be, do not let him use you sexually!! Let him know you think more of yourself than to give into his primal needs while he's ripping your heart out.

[Pancake08]

I tried the counseling my self but my psychologist told me its best to have a couple counseling. And I also tried the 180 and NC but it so hard especialy i have to communicate with him everythime he is seing my son 3times a week and also sending or calling each other sometimes.. So is there is any other choice to win him back? Is PURSUING Him by reminding our good moments we have is a good thing to do?

[vla1120]

I tried the counseling my self but my psychologist told me its best to have a couple counseling. And I also tried the 180 and NC but it so hard especialy i have to communicate with him everythime he is seing my son 3times a week and also sending or calling each other sometimes.. So is there is any other choice to win him back? Is PURSUING Him by reminding our good moments we have is a good thing to do?

 

I tend to think active pursuit of him will just push him away further. The best thing you can do is take GOOD care of yourself. Look happy and carefree when he sees you. Avoid even speaking to him. Leave the room when he's visiting with the kids. Don't fall for his seduction tactics. Make it clear to him you are off limits. Limit conversation to only what is absolutely necessary. Q

 

Oh, and if he won't go to counseling with you, there's nothing wrong with going by yourself. You need to take care of YOU, not only for you, but for your kids.

[thora-tiki]

You are getting good advice here on you thread.

 

Listen to your fellow no contact warriors.

 

You wrote on my thread:

Hi is your ex partner is norwegian as well?.my ex is norwegian,we are legaly separated

and i want him back can you tell me how can you deal with your situation..

 

-- I can't tell you what to do to «get the ex back».

I am sorry, I know you want to hear the opposite.

 

I am not a mind reader.

 

The whole point of no contact is to let go of the hope that your ex will come back,

and move past the breakup/the old failed relationship, not hold on to it.

 

About him and what he is doing right now:

He is fu*king with your head, life and your evolution, don't let him do this.

He is just being selfish.

 

Let it go. Let go of the old failed relationship.

 

The one thing that keeps people from getting back together,

is that they are still trying to «fix» the old failed relationship.

The old failed relationship is a piece of time in the past.

You can't change the past, but you can learn from it,

and prepare yourself for a better future.

 

Just because you're letting go of your old failed relationship

does not mean you are giving up on your ex forever.

 

Time will tell if you were meant for each other or not.

 

Also, if he really cared about you, he wouldn't be torturing you by sending you mixed signals = lies.

 

About his last lame message:

It isn't no contact if you are still hearing these things.

 

Obviously someone who tells you such hurtful things is not ready to reconnect.

 

I really think you should give him a complete time out.

He needs no contact to get his head together.

How awful for you to have to listen to such crap and have to pretend it's all okay.

You feel lost, frustrated etc. because he is playing with you.

 

Lose your faith in reconnecting with your ex, and have faith in yourself,

and your ability to find true love - not your ex.

 

This sounds strange, yes, but it is the first step.

 

When you have your life back, this is usually the point where the ex comes sniffing back,

since you now seem new and attractive, and he is wondering:

- Why did she stop acting crazy and try to win me back?

- did I push her too far?

- have I lost her forever?

You have a child together:

You can still do no contact even with a child in the picture:

 

- Be polite.

- Be on time when you hand over the child.

- Do not get dragged into any deep conversations about anything,

with your ex.

 

Just say «I do not want to talk about that», and change the subject to something about the child or

leave or ask him to leave in a polite manner.

 

- Act classy, not crazy.

 

Your reasons for no contact are your personal reasons,

and as long as it doesn't interfere with him and your child -

it's none of his business, right?

 

Stop having sex with him:

Sex with an ex is just that, sex with an ex.

 

No one has yet to rename it

ohmygodthesexwassogoodwegotbacktogetheragainandlivedhappilyeverafter-sex.

 

If you feel that your ex is not responding it is probably because you,

and your ex are not ready to reconnect, but you will force things anyways... won't you.

 

And then you will wonder why it doesn't feel right.

 

I deal in reality here, and only the people who want to deal with reality will succeed.

 

I am all about getting your life back, and then figuring out what to do,

but if you must have your ex back, you are still obsessed with them,

and therefore you do not have your life back yet.

Fear + Obsession + Panic doesn't = True Love

 

Get your life back, and then decide whether you even want the ex back after your obsession passes.

 

I am willing to bet more people don't want their ex back (after getting their life back), then people that do.

 

Because they realise that their ex doesn't love them as much as they thought

(no contact will sometimes reveal that), and that they want something more out of a relationship.

 

I say do no contact for 6 months and see how you feel after that

- what's the rush?

 

If your ex moves on, they were never coming back anyways -

I mean, who gives up in only 6 months when they are deeply in love with someone?

 

In your case, right now I would prioritise differently:

 

Go no contact.

Use the same message I am using, and seeing great results with,

I just added a sentence about the divorce and the baby:

«Hi,

I finally agree with you about your decision to divorce, I really believe it was the best thing for both of us.

I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over.

I would really appreciate it if you didn't contact me during this time unless it's about the baby. I will be in touch when I am ready.»*

Focus on you and your child, then getting help from the government/his douche bag family (if that is possible)/NAV.

 

Use google to finding help in learning the language (maybe NAV has a course?), meeting new friends, or people in the same situation,

just write in Norway (or name of your town) at the end of your English sentence when you google.

 

Some sites I found:

https://www.nav.no/english

try INTERA Language Center

Friendship Site Norway Female Penpals Male Pen Pal Friends

How to Make Friends in Norway - My Little Norway

 

Friends:

The bottom line - it is the quality of your friends, not the quantity, that makes your life more complete.

 

Keep thinking positive about the kind of people you want in your life,

and they will appear - you will attract them.

 

Try to remember why you decided to move here in the first place,

if it was just because of douche bag husband,

then you need to find other reasons.

 

Because even if he hadn't shown you his douche bag side,

it would be straining on the relationship if you didn't have a life of your own other than him and the child, or any of you own friends, hobbies etc.

A relationship needs balance.

And the most important relationship, is the one you have with yourself.

Anything else is a bonus.

Then fill your heart and mind with positivity (what do you like to do?)

I love to read,

spend time with family and friends,

spend time alone,

practice French,

talk on the phone with friends that live out of town,

walk around my neighbourhood,

exercise,

laughing,

pet every furry animal that comes my way, etc.

 

This will not only make you feel better, but it will attract more positive things into your life.

 

If your ex coming back really is a positive thing - it will happen.

That I am 100% sure of.

Right now your douche bag of an ex has you where he wants you:

Desperate, feeling hopeless and alone.

 

You are not alone.

 

You can, and you will, get through this.

Quitting is not an option.

 

You are a Norwegian now, and as we say in Norway:

this is not my first time being out a cold winter night.

 

* No contact message explained:

 

That message that I recommend is sort of cold and clean like a lawyer would send.

 

There is no emotion in there and that really catches people off guard,

and because it is so short and vague they will start to get curious - right?

 

The main thing you want to do is remind them it was their decision to break up and now you are making some big decisions and you don’t want to be disturbed while you make them.

 

Is any of this a lie your ex did break up with you, right?

 

You do have a big decision to make - whether to move on or not.

 

And you don’t want any contact from them, and by telling people they can’t have something makes them want it more, right?

What is happening here?

 

You are in a sense now breaking up with them, and raising curiosity.

 

- Why would she send me this message now?

 

- What big decision is she talking about?

 

- She will be in touch - what will she say?

 

«Switch Flipped» no contact Message mission accomplished!

[Pancake08]

I am sure this time that i will do the NC completely.. I found out last night that he is on Asian dating site.. I am Asian too, but it so painful to know that after what happen to us 4 days ago.. He is saying good things about me and then suddenly i found out that he is chatting with other Asian girls..the most painful part is he is saying to my mom,that i am just after his money, but if i do i didn't marry him on the first place because i know he doesn't have money and any property.

 

and he is saying a lot of bad things to me to his friends and family so they think I AM A BAD WIFE..

 

i don't deserve to be treated like this.. we have 5 months old son, that he cant give attention,time and care and i have to beg on him all the time to get A Child support,and last thing we just got a separation paper 3 weeks ago but not living together for 3 months and now he is DATING..do you think guys his relationship will gonna last for a long time?????and Does he finally MOVED ON already????

[Pancake08]

Thora tiki.. I really appreciate your response that made me realized i lost so much on my self and why should i invest more feeling to him if i cant have him back anyway..he just dumped us like a garbage even when i was pregnant.i spoke to NAV to asked for social help but they said i must live in Norway for 3 years to get help from them..so i dont kniow exactly if we can survive here.

[vla1120]

I don't deserve to be treated like this.. we have 5 months old son, that he cant give attention,time and care and i have to beg on him all the time to get A Child support,and last thing we just got a separation paper 3 weeks ago but not living together for 3 months and now he is DATING..do you think guys his relationship will gonna last for a long time?????and Does he finally MOVED ON already????

 

You are right. You do not deserve this treatment. He is not worth your tears and grieving. He is on a dating site? He's completely checked out of the relationship. I understand the frustration of having him bad mouth you to family and friends. You cannot control that. You only have control over your reaction. You know the truth and must find comfort in that. Those who know you and care about you will not listen to the lies. Those who do listen are not friends and do not deserve your time.

 

You need a support system. Can you relocate near your family? Do you have close friends you can turn to? The best thing you can do is to try and move forward. You have a beautiful baby who depends on you for life and love. He should be the most important man in your life, now.

 

Stick to the no contact - when he comes to see the baby (if he does) be very cool and distant. Do nice things for yourself. Don't let him see you sad. Be confident. Be strong. You can do this!

[Pancake08]

Thank you so much for all the support and encouragement you are saying, i really need it now!.. Yes he is in Asian dating site, and when i told it to him and said to me Its not my concern if he is in dating bcuz he is separted, my point is we are still married anyway and he have son he should invest time on, and if he is dating and moved on why he is still complimenting me and having intimate relationship??

 

And last I cant get any support now and i like to move back to my home country or in US but i cant because i cant take my son with me unless he will sign a paper that i can do that or else they will say i kidnap my own son!

 

I tried to spoke to him about it, that we can just go but he said i am not allowed to take my son with me,but he doesnt care us anyway. Most important for him is his happiness, his friends and gold minning. And sitting on his computer chating..the things that pissed me off he is saying that he care about our son and he is the most important for him and he can give everything to him,but it doesnt look like that,cant see it.