Supportive husband

[imbetteroff]

I exposed my affair with MM to his ex-wife, his fiancé and my husband about a month ago.

My husband was devastated but extremely supportive, he wants to work things out with me and save our 15 year marriage. We have 2 boys together 14 and 12.

He cheated on me when our boys were 2 1/2 and 11 months old, I left him, filed for divorced and were separated for 9 months. After much talk we decided to work things out, but I've always resented him.

Now, that I'm the one who cheated I wonder why he is so supportive, is this normal?

I was not supportive of him at all when I found out about his affair, I kicked him out and hated him for a few months. When we got back together I kind of pushed him away for a couple years, yet he stayed.

Now that we both had affairs I wonder if our marriage is going to survive.

Is he just slowly preparing himself to break up with me for good?

I've suggested divorce more than once or even a break from each other.

I have feelings for him but I don't think I love him anymore and don't want to waste his time and mine, I am 39 and he is 41.

He has been so caring and loving for the last month to the point that is starting to annoy me. I'm also afraid I'm going to fall in love with him again and then he is going to divorce me

I'm so confused and don't know what to do.

I need advice please.

[maybemine]

Is it possible he's feeling guilty about having an affair you don't know about? Or maybe its that he's been in your position and knows how your feeling and has decided he doesn't want to lose you. As a result he's trying to be the husband he thinks you need. Just my opinions....

[Speakingofwhich]

I'm also afraid I'm going to fall in love with him again and then he is going to divorce me

I'm so confused and don't know what to do. I need advice please.

 

If you think you could fall in love with him again why not get into MC?

[whatatangledweb]

I don't believe he is doing it because he wants a divorce. It sounds like he does loves you and wants to work it out.

[whichwayisup]

I don't believe he is doing it because he wants a divorce. It sounds like he does loves you and wants to work it out.

 

If your H wanted to divorce you, it would be happening.

 

He messed up in the past, you worked through it and stayed together. Now, he is giving you that second chance.

 

Trust him. He has no reason to lie or to pull the wool over your eyes. He is thinking long term, about your family under one roof and he obviously loves you enough to want to fix everything.

 

You both owe it to your kids to give your marriage a good shot so DO marriage counselling, affair proof your marriage and see how it goes.

 

If you love him, there's no reason not to throw in towel. Don't let fears or insecurities from the past cloud your judgement.

[Woggle]

Maybe he feels bad about cheating in the past?

[SoleMate]

Your H may realize that some cheating is fairly meaningless and doesn't have to be a death blow to the M.

[LilGirlandOW]

When I read this my first thought was he is standing up for your marriage, not going to fall into an emotional trap. He understands as he's been in your shoes.

 

If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything.

 

You're very lucky to have such a strong supportive man by your side

[Desirable]

All I can say is...please PLEASE cherish this man that you have in your life and embrace him without fear. It is clear that he wants to make this work no matter what and I hope you find it in you to not doubt that and trust his genuine intentions. You are very lucky, it is rare to find a man like him.

[Calcmag]

Gosh OP, my first thought is that he loves you and wants to make it work.

But then I wonder, why don't you trust him? Why are you cynical about his intentions? Is it because you feel you don't deserve his love, or is it because he gives you cause to be cynical that you haven't mentioned in your post?

If it's the former, then get yourself into IC and as someone else said, and learn to cherish this man.

 

Are you completely NC with MM now?

[imbetteroff]

I'm just afraid, I don't want any more pain. The only way to protect my heart is to not have any man in my life until I'm strong again. All these lies, deceit, sneaking out, secrets and cheating have left me so weak and vulnerable and feeling completely destroyed.

I am in NC with MM, I have changed my phone number and email address. Plus MM was very angry at me for calling his fiance and ex-wife and telling them about the affair.

 

I hate to see my husband suffer and sometimes I wish I hadn't said anything, but I'm the type of person that can't keep secrets for too long so not telling was eating me alive.

I do feel extremely lucky to have my husband in my life, I feel like I don't deserve him even though he cheated on me 12 years ago.

Our boys love him and have stated that they will much rather go live with him if our marriage ends. I honestly don't want my marriage to end but want both of us to be happy.

I'm not happy right now, I'm trying and there are days when I feel like I can do this and move on.

I wish I could go back in time and not have had the affair, I wish I had never met MM, I wish I had never done anything with him. I wish I could go back and feel happy with my life like I used to before the affair. It used to be all about the kids, house and work, that made me really happy, then all of a sudden I felt discontent and curious.

I want to be who I was before this affair!!!!

[imbetteroff]

I don't want to think about MM, his fiancé, or ex-wife. I want to not remember the things that were said back and forth one month ago. I want to wake up one day and not remember him at all, I want this to be a nightmare that I will soon wake up from.

I want to enjoy life again.

I will not medicate myself, even though I am in pain I think I need to experience it in order to properly heal and be happy again. I just hope it won't take too long, I've lost 10 lbs already.

[BetrayedH]

Your husband's reaction is not abnormal. About 80% of betrayed men will stay (at least initially). The numbers are higher for women. Your voluntary disclosure also doubled your chances of staying together as compared to a discovery.

 

I think the hardest piece for WW is to not just determine why they cheated but also, why they want to stay. My WW stayed out of guilt, obligation, and fear. Reconciling takes too much work for those motivations to hold out. Our reconciliation failed, primarily because my wife had checked out of the marriage two years prior. She continued to break NC and lie to me throughout the reconciliation. That doesn't remotely work. The fact is that you CAN restore your marriage but you really have to WANT to restore your marriage and then jump in with both feet.

 

For what it's worth, I also don't think your H is playing a game. But if you screw up the reconciliation, he could still decide to throw in the towel. So far, your voluntary disclosure and NC with the OM (esp. Proactive efforts like blocking him) are huge steps in the right direction and give a lot of reassurance to your H that you're worth continued emotional investment. Can you do the rest?

 

In the infidelity forum, there's a thread pinned at the top, Things That Every WS Needs to Know. I would start there. One good basic book is, How To Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair, by Linda McDonald. I think you really need to decide if you are ready to be "all-in." You may get a good measure of grace from your H because he is formerly wayward but that's only going to go so far. True reconciliation takes 2-5 years of hard work. It doesn't sound like that happened the first go round and instead, you just held onto that resentment. Do it differently this time.