MAYDAY! He lost his job!

[KAOJ]

Hi! Thank you for opening. Quick background....

 

I am 39 and my boyfriend is 55. We have been together since May. Over the last month or two I started to see we are not compatible. He orginally told me he was done having children (then quickly said "But I will have kids if YOU want to") and we do not view money the same. He charges frivilous things and doesn't have money for things he actually needs.

 

He has a nice and tidy home full of fancy things he doesn't truly own.

 

I have been a bit unsure if we should fully split or continue dating.

 

Yesterday he lost his job of 11 years. He is crushed and lost his $80,000 yearly salary. He JUST opened a gofundme.com page and is asking friends to donate to "Save His Home" and I am floored!

 

I can't believe a 55 year old doesn't have a little bit of savings to fall back on. Am I being unreasonable?

 

(OH!) Did I mention I loaned him $1,000 about two and a half months ago (for much needed dental work) and haven't seen one penny paid back?

 

I have empathy for his situation but I am also mortified that he can ask friends for money so he can pay his mortgage. What. The Efffff?!?!

 

What do I do?

[darkmoon]

nothing, just keep your cash for u, some people are clever at getting money

out of people

 

I would get in first and hint that u do not want him to live in, if he can not pay his mortgage has no job, be sure he has a plan that does not make u the culprit for not financing him, he will not get the money from friends forever n he has no job, keep it casual with him for ur sake

[JDPT]

It appears to me that you are only concerned with his money.

[KAOJ]

It appears to me that you are only concerned with his money.

 

Nope. Far from it. I make my OWN money and have no debt. I've lived that way my whole life. I have credit cards that I only use for emergencies.

 

I was posting to ask if it is unreasonable to want your partner to be financially responsible. (Pardon me for not specifically saying that....I am a bit shocked and taken back that he is asking friends for money so he can pay his mortgage)

 

In my world, I would never, ever get tied into his kind of debt.

 

I am feeling bad for him and was going to call it off tonight but don't want to be insensitive or cruel right after he loses his job.

 

Am I the worst person ever if I do split with him today? (On a horrible day for him?) I do care about him dearly but do not see us with a long-term furture.

[Balzac]

Has he been divorced?

 

Using credit cards ONLY for emergencies could be considered not saavy but that's another discussion.

[Shaun-Dro]

Hi! Thank you for opening. Quick background....

 

I am 39 and my boyfriend is 55. We have been together since May. Over the last month or two I started to see we are not compatible. He orginally told me he was done having children (then quickly said "But I will have kids if YOU want to") and we do not view money the same. He charges frivilous things and doesn't have money for things he actually needs.

 

He has a nice and tidy home full of fancy things he doesn't truly own.

 

I have been a bit unsure if we should fully split or continue dating.

 

Yesterday he lost his job of 11 years. He is crushed and lost his $80,000 yearly salary. He JUST opened a gofundme.com page and is asking friends to donate to "Save His Home" and I am floored!

 

I can't believe a 55 year old doesn't have a little bit of savings to fall back on. Am I being unreasonable?

 

(OH!) Did I mention I loaned him $1,000 about two and a half months ago (for much needed dental work) and haven't seen one penny paid back?

 

I have empathy for his situation but I am also mortified that he can ask friends for money so he can pay his mortgage. What. The Efffff?!?!

 

What do I do?

 

Sit down and compromise. If not, leave him.

[KAOJ]

Has he been divorced?

 

Using credit cards ONLY for emergencies could be considered not saavy but that's another discussion.

 

Yup. Divorced four times. (If it matters....I've never been married)

[JDPT]

Nope. Far from it. I make my OWN money and have no debt. I've lived that way my whole life. I have credit cards that I only use for emergencies.

 

I was posting to ask if it is unreasonable to want your partner to be financially responsible. (Pardon me for not specifically saying that....I am a bit shocked and taken back that he is asking friends for money so he can pay his mortgage)

 

In my world, I would never, ever get tied into his kind of debt.

 

I am feeling bad for him and was going to call it off tonight but don't want to be insensitive or cruel right after he loses his job.

 

Am I the worst person ever if I do split with him today? (On a horrible day for him?) I do care about him dearly but do not see us with a long-term furture.

 

I commend you for being independent and highly self sufficient. However, you aren't willing to weather the storm and are ready to call it quits because he lost his job? Perhaps you weren't "in it" as you thought you were since you are ready to bolt. If financial issues is the sole reason to kick him to the curb then I have zero sympathy for you.

 

 

And I clearly do not agree with the approach he is taking to gather funds. It's evident that he lacks money managements skills hence the predicament he currently is in. And if you view him as less of a man for taking that approach then once again I have zero sympathy for you.

 

 

Not once have you disclosed how to turn this around, clearly not by way of giving him money but rather coming up with a game plan so that he can get the ball rolling once again and get back into the workforce. A couple works things out together and does not sit back and watch the other drown.

 

 

It appears that you are pretty determined and should perhaps analyze if this is what you want to do is so there is no need to wait. You are clearly ready to kick him while he is down.

[HokeyReligions]

That's a tough blow. You might want to be there for him for a little while and maybe help him update his resume and offer support that way. Then begin to distance yourself a bit. Maybe once he's over the initial shock and has taken a couple realistic steps forward you can leave him. I wouldn't count on getting your grand back.

 

Oh, there are many reasons people of any age can not have a savings or retirement. Not all have to do with fiscal irresponsibility.

[KAOJ]

JDPT, I have been seeing many reasons why we are incompatible for at least a month or more. It has nothing to do with him losing his job. I planned on cutting ties tonight but it doesn't feel right while he recieved such a blow and lost his job. I am shocked he was let go!

 

Our biggest incompatibility is our view on children. Second is his debt. I would never ever get tied into that. A few other things make me uncomfortable within this relationship.

 

But please let me be clear: I am NOT kicking this man while he is down. This is something that has been brewing for (like I said) at least a month or more. Breaking it off with him has nothing to do with him losing his job. If anything, his loss of his job makes me want to stick around for support.

 

I absolutely feel anxious for him. I think he feels hopeless and worried.

Edited September 20, 2013 by KAOJ
addition

[Sparkle304]

That's a tough blow. You might want to be there for him for a little while and maybe help him update his resume and offer support that way. Then begin to distance yourself a bit. Maybe once he's over the initial shock and has taken a couple realistic steps forward you can leave him. I wouldn't count on getting your grand back.

 

Oh, there are many reasons people of any age can not have a savings or retirement. Not all have to do with fiscal irresponsibility.

 

WHAT?!? Why would you actually ENCOURAGE the OP to lead this guy on?? If you read the posts on LS many, many, MANY dumpees feel that by doing this, they've been lied to and cheated. Most would have preferred their partner be honest and not fake a relationship. Worst idea ever!

 

And OP, I absolutely understand your point of view. No, you are not merely focussed on his financial status. Like you, I think financial responsibility is an important quality in a person. And let's all be honest....as much as we want love to be enough, it does not pay the bills. I think you should be honest with him and kindly bow out of this relationship.

[Sparkle304]

"Oh, there are many reasons people of any age can not have a savings or retirement. Not all have to do with fiscal irresponsibility."

 

 

Well the OP clearly stated that he's charges frivolous things and buys things he cannot afford = financially irresponsible.

[ashleyn09]

I also think that being divorced 4 times is a red flag. I think that if you are divorced 3 or 4 times then you can't blame the other person anymore....the problem is you lol.

[KAOJ]

Did 90210 or whatever and jdpt not read the first post of this thread? He said he was done with kids. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/424115-children

 

and he has been financially irresponsible for (most likely) his whole adult life. he also owes a large amount of back child support.

 

and a couple of other things make me uneasy.

 

i came here to ask how/what could i possibly do to ease the blow of a split. i do NOT need his money. i don't want his money....as a matter of fact he doesn't HAVE any money. i have a 19 year career and make my own money and have never had debt. and i like living free with no debt.

 

we have been developing a relationship for several months and when adults date and get to know each other sometimes they see things (or find things out) about their partner that might be a deal breaker.

 

i love him, but i am not *in* love with him. he has become one of my best friends and he is a great guy, however, not for me long-term. not long-term for me for the above reasons stated.

 

i agree with the posters that suggested i help with a resume, or simply listen or just *be there* for him. i agree. i also agree with the poster that suggested it would be crappy to stick around just to help. (Apologies....not sure if those were the exact words....)

 

please let it be clear: me wanting to split with my boyfriend is NOT something that developed when he lost his job. my feelings have been brewing for a few weeks or so. i suppose i could say that i now know what my dealbreakers are for me.....

 

Thank you kindly to each and every reply and for your time.

[Balzac]

Never had debt is a luxury. Paying cash for a vehicle is easy. Buying a home in my urban living situation, cash only is difficult when minimum pricing is 1million plus. Most have at the least a 15 year mortgage. Lucky you I guess.

[KAOJ]

i don't understand....why is everyone being so pissy about money and debt?

 

i watch a boob tube TV that i have owned since 1995. i drive an 03 civic. i use a three year old Blackberry. i have never owned a flat-screen tv and i make a mortgage payment every month. that is just how i like to live. i am not *insulting* anyone....it is just how i like to live.

 

i fully understand (probably) more than half of Americans live on credit cards.....but that simply isn't for me.....

[KAOJ]

might i say that (the thought) of breaking up with someone and hurting them feels as painful as being broken up with.

 

I haven't ever hurt someone's heart before.

[Balzac]

My observation is that your language is very vague. Many use a credit card but never pay a finance fee. That's living on credit cardss by your definition. By any definition, a mortgage is debt. I've got no reason to be critical of your lifestyle financial plan. It's working for you.

[JDPT]

i don't understand....why is everyone being so pissy about money and debt?

 

i watch a boob tube TV that i have owned since 1995. i drive an 03 civic. i use a three year old Blackberry. i have never owned a flat-screen tv and i make a mortgage payment every month. that is just how i like to live. i am not *insulting* anyone....it is just how i like to live.

 

i fully understand (probably) more than half of Americans live on credit cards.....but that simply isn't for me.....

 

You continue to disclose new information as you go on. It would have been conducive for you and all readers to render all pertaining information so that we may have a clearer understanding of what you are going trough.

 

 

You hold him and perhaps others as well to this perfectionist approach in which everyone should be as financially solvent as you. It's great to set standards but you are utterly shocked when certain individuals don't hold your same views.

 

 

Tons of adults do drugs are reckless with finances and so on. Simply because they are 55 doesn't necessarily mean they are perfect. Some learn throughout the years and some don't. It was your choice to be with this person who according to you have so much baggage but most importantly focusing on his finances as this is of utter importance to you.

 

 

And yes you come across as only being concerned with money and as I stated previously you should really ask yourself why you chose him regardless of him having all these issues. I'm certain he didn't drop this bomb on you this is something that you discovered though being with him. Not everyone is as solvent as you are keep that in mind.

[KAOJ]

 

And yes you come across as only being concerned with money and as I stated previously you should really ask yourself why you chose him regardless of him having all these issues. I'm certain he didn't drop this bomb on you this is something that you discovered though being with him. Not everyone is as solvent as you are keep that in mind.

 

like i said (you aren't reading what i am saying for *me*) heavy debt IS a deal breaker (for me). i won't be involved with someone long term that has such debt.

 

i am *with* him because he is a good man. he is kind and sweet to me. i have a great time with him. i didn't know on our FIRST date he was so irresponsible with debt. i didn't know on our second date. nor third. but eventually it started to become clear that he has a spending problem.

 

second issue: children. there are also a couple of other issues that make me a little uncomfortable. have you actually read what i am writing? (given i have a little trouble typing/writing due to struggles with dyslexia....that's no excuse, but i try to be clear and i know i have said ONE issue is debt and i have a couple of other deal breakers)

 

i had NO idea that debt was a dealbreaker for me. i have never considered **forever** with a partner before. and when i felt as though i could be with this man (possibly forever) these issues came about that are dealbreakers for me and my situation. i won't have (nor be tied to) heavy debt while i am considering going through an adoption process.

[Simon Phoenix]

So conflicted ITT. On one hand, the OP comes off as pretty self-righteous and uncaring and seemingly putting way too much emphasis on the guy's earning power and financial situation, but on the other hand, it's obviously a horrible match and in the long run, she'd be doing herself and him in the long run a solid by cutting the cord as soon as possible.

 

The timing of this sucks and I really don't get why these two are in any sort of relationship in the first place because their views aren't anywhere close to matching on a lot of important subjects. I'm guessing if this dude has four ex-wives that he's got a bit of sex appeal and I'm guessing the OP fell for it hook, line and sinker and was content to ignore the red flags because of her attraction to him. But yeah, this union should have never gotten off the ground, so it's probably best for both of them, especially her, if they break it off. I'm guessing he'll replace her easily anyway -- seems to be his M.O.

 

As for the debt thing, I think she's a bit of a hardliner on it, but to each their own. I'm in my 30s and have debt, not massive but sizable enough, because i YOLO'd when I should have 401K'd in my younger years. I'm wiser now and paying it off, but yeah, sh*t happens.

[Balzac]

Wait - you an to be involved in an adoption? You do realize that his debt will never be your debt?

[KAOJ]

don't people date to get to know each other and find out if they are compatible??

i am so confused as to why everyone is so surprised we are dating?

 

agreed, his debt isn't mine, but he was speaking of marriage. as soon as a marriage takes place, everything spent after that becomes both partners debt.

 

i just give up.

 

i am the worst person ever to be in a relationship. i am not cheating, stealing or committing crimes. geez.

 

you are right.

[KAOJ]

ultimately, my 5-10 year plan is to love, care for and raise an unwanted child. i love kids. biggest regret: not being a parent sooner.

[Simon Phoenix]

don't people date to get to know each other and find out if they are compatible??

i am so confused as to why everyone is so surprised we are dating?

 

agreed, his debt isn't mine, but he was speaking of marriage. as soon as a marriage takes place, everything spent after that becomes both partners debt.

 

i just give up.

 

i am the worst person ever to be in a relationship. i am not cheating, stealing or committing crimes. geez.

 

you are right.

 

Stop being so melodramatic. It seems like there are some fundamental conflicts that that would kill a union like this pretty quickly in most cases, therefore I am surprised it even got to this point. I mean, this isn't a cute little conflict like having completely different favorite colors.

 

I'm guessing you went with physical attraction first and ignored the rest of it for a while. You aren't the first or the last to do this, so chill with the drama and the "worst person in the world" stuff.