when and how to move in together?

[aliceb1987]

After a string of turbulent relationships with commitment phobes, was losing hope that I would ever be in the position to consider living with someone.However my love life has took a turn for the better this year and I have met someone wonderful :-D

 

We have been together for abt 6 months now.Things are fantastic and we are very much in love.I feel more close and happy with him than I have partners of 1 or 2yrs....simply cause everything feels right.

 

So lately he has/we have been talking casually quite abit about us living together, specifically on his part him moving into my flat.He is no way putting pressure on me to let him move in immediately (and he would have to move jobs first) but its got me thinking about how best to do things. ...when is a good time and wld it work him moving in my place rather than starting a fresh together :-S know he is keen to move out sooner rather than later as he still lives with parents and we live 30 miles from each other which makes it hard to see each other as much as we would like.

 

I just know we have to go about this the right way as keeping our relationship as great as it is now is patamount to us.He stays every wkend all wkend and we have spent time away together on holidays with only afew minor disagreements but just scared about such a big decision really!

 

Any experiences sharing will be much appreciated thanks X

[KatZee]

I'm not an advocate of moving in with a boyfriend unless their is a ring on my finger (or yours), and I'd be leery moving in with someone after a mere 6 months no matter how great you think he is. Honeymoon phase is anywhere from 6months-1.5 years.

 

Cohabitation before marriage shouldn't happen because one or both wants to "save money" and it shouldn't be happening just because he wants to get out of his family's house.

 

Living together changes everything despite how well you think you know him, and it gives the guy plenty of opportunity to become complacent. He basically will be in a marriage and have a wife with zero commitment.

 

Before moving in together there needs to be a conversation about respective expectations. Moving in together should be a progression...so would you be expecting a ring and serious commitment? Or are you fine just playing house with absolutely no plan to take this relationship to the next level?

 

At only 6 months together I doubt either of you could answer that question with complete conviction.

 

Living together before marriage also takes the excitement out of living together for real, as husband and wife- if that were to happen. So again, even less incentive for him to ever propose.

 

I think tons of people take living together lightly and they don't put much thought into it- I've seen relationships completely implode from moving in together. It's usually when both people are on completely different pages in regards to where the relationship is going.

 

I think you guys are still in early days- what's the reason for the rush? If this is a once in a lifetime connection, then you guys will have your entire lives to be glued to each other.

[StanMusial]

Is it possible for him to move closer, without moving in with you?

[fanine]

I would say if you feel happy with it 6 months is long enough. Most people I know and myself included moved in with partners by around that time. Mainly because we all lived in a big city and were all sharing with others. After a while it can be difficult having a relationship with flat mates around all the time.

 

Do you live alone? That could make a difference as it would be a big change for you. If you do, maybe a new place together would be better as it would be yours together, rather than just yours.

[fanine]

I think in the end you will both feel when it is the right time. You only both really know how serious you feel about each other. I moved in with my ex husband after 3 months. Okay yes he is now my ex! But we were together 9 years and it was not a bitter split and we are still friends.

For some people. 6 months will feel a short time, but if your relationship has moved on fairly quickly it could be long enough, if it something you both feel good about.

Just don't rush it. Take your time. You could maybe look around at the kind of places you might think of moving to, just for a bit of fun and research.

[darkmoon]

a thought-out bill paying rota, and *cough* housework rota, too - is he after a rent-free home? have u asked him? suppose one of u is ill?

if this takes more than half an hour to discuss and agree on, okay, one or two hours, then do not bother

Edited September 19, 2013 by darkmoon

[lionoftheforum]

Personally, I think it takes several months before its known if someone is worth sticking around with. I'm assuming the OP has made it this far. I also think it takes several years before it’s known if a person is financially and economically competent as well as well-adjusted enough to be a live in partner.

 

Studies have shown most “shacking up” attempts fail because most youth simply fail to estimate future costs well. That includes economic and emotional costs. They tend to move into it too fast.

 

First timers aren’t thinking about if they can tolerate living with someone for a long period of time and seeing them often. For men, this can feel like entrapment. That annoyance you tolerate now because you like the other person but can escape when you go home? That will be a catalyst for arguments, that could possibly escalate, if you live with them and have to deal with it all the time. I think youth under price/estimate this risk.

[cif]

I question his motives only because he does not currently live on his own. Did you discuss expenses, chores,etc?

 

Also, i'm old fashioned and do not believe a couple should live together until they are married. But that's just me

[soccerrprp]

I'm not an advocate of moving in with a boyfriend unless their is a ring on my finger (or yours), and I'd be leery moving in with someone after a mere 6 months no matter how great you think he is. Honeymoon phase is anywhere from 6months-1.5 years.

 

Cohabitation before marriage shouldn't happen because one or both wants to "save money" and it shouldn't be happening just because he wants to get out of his family's house.

 

Living together changes everything despite how well you think you know him, and it gives the guy plenty of opportunity to become complacent. He basically will be in a marriage and have a wife with zero commitment.

 

Before moving in together there needs to be a conversation about respective expectations. Moving in together should be a progression...so would you be expecting a ring and serious commitment? Or are you fine just playing house with absolutely no plan to take this relationship to the next level?

 

At only 6 months together I doubt either of you could answer that question with complete conviction.

 

Living together before marriage also takes the excitement out of living together for real, as husband and wife- if that were to happen. So again, even less incentive for him to ever propose.

 

I think tons of people take living together lightly and they don't put much thought into it- I've seen relationships completely implode from moving in together. It's usually when both people are on completely different pages in regards to where the relationship is going.

 

I think you guys are still in early days- what's the reason for the rush? If this is a once in a lifetime connection, then you guys will have your entire lives to be glued to each other.

 

I agree with this!

 

I would not move in until there was at least talk and some movement (informing family) towards an engagement was at hand. I do not completely agree with the loss of excitement, but I understand what you may be thinking on this.

[KatZee]

I agree with this!

 

I would not move in until there was at least talk and some movement (informing family) towards an engagement was at hand. I do not completely agree with the loss of excitement, but I understand what you may be thinking on this.

 

I'm talking about the feeling that a newly married couple gets when they go to look at their first home together, and sign those papers after getting married.

 

If a couple just shacks up, then down the line if/when they do get engaged/married... the excitement of living together isn't there... b/c they've already been doing it for years.

[mtber75]

I'm not an advocate of moving in with a boyfriend unless their is a ring on my finger (or yours), and I'd be leery moving in with someone after a mere 6 months no matter how great you think he is. Honeymoon phase is anywhere from 6months-1.5 years.

 

Cohabitation before marriage shouldn't happen because one or both wants to "save money" and it shouldn't be happening just because he wants to get out of his family's house.

 

Living together changes everything despite how well you think you know him, and it gives the guy plenty of opportunity to become complacent. He basically will be in a marriage and have a wife with zero commitment.

 

Before moving in together there needs to be a conversation about respective expectations. Moving in together should be a progression...so would you be expecting a ring and serious commitment? Or are you fine just playing house with absolutely no plan to take this relationship to the next level?

 

At only 6 months together I doubt either of you could answer that question with complete conviction.

 

Living together before marriage also takes the excitement out of living together for real, as husband and wife- if that were to happen. So again, even less incentive for him to ever propose.

 

I think tons of people take living together lightly and they don't put much thought into it- I've seen relationships completely implode from moving in together. It's usually when both people are on completely different pages in regards to where the relationship is going.

 

I think you guys are still in early days- what's the reason for the rush? If this is a once in a lifetime connection, then you guys will have your entire lives to be glued to each other.

 

Although I'm not that traditional in that you move in together when there is a ring involved...6 month does seem little early! God forbid if you guys break up, living together will be too much to bear!

[KatZee]

Although I'm not that traditional in that you move in together when there is a ring involved...6 month does seem little early! God forbid if you guys break up, living together will be too much to bear!

 

I feel like most guys these days are too lazy. They've been programmed, I believe, from women these days who think they can't, or shouldn't demand more for themselves other than crumbs a guy will throw at her face.

 

It's not that I'm traditional, but I think if a woman just goes along with whatever the guy wants, she sets herself up to be disappointed down the line.

 

The only way I would even entertain the thought of moving in with a guy, would be if we dated for a year+, and we had plans to get engaged shortly thereafter moving in together. I'd set a 6 month timeline, and if the guy stuck to that, fantastic. If not, he can take a walk.

 

I have my own place now, and I'd never cosign a lease with anyone I wasn't officially committed to. I will never in my lifetime ever set myself up to be dependent on a guy. My plan would be to have him move in with me in MY place, and if he doesn't stick to the game plan, then he's gone from MY apartment. This way, I'm not at a loss, I still have my own place, and boundaries intact.

[crederer]

6 months is way too early. You're really still getting to know eachother. Wait until you've been together at least one year, would be my advice.

 

What's the rush?

[Phantom888]

I think moving in together is a huge step. Looking back from life experience, you should be engaged before you move in. It would just be too difficult to sort out if things don't work out. IMHO.

[BC1980]

Ugh. He's still living at home? Why?

 

That means his mother is probably does everything for him but wipe his butt.

 

If he moves in, don't be surprised when you end up getting stuck doing 100% of the chores.

 

Yeah, he will need to be house trained. Don't be surprised if he can't even work a washing machine.

[aliceb1987]

Thank you very much for all your helpful replies!

 

In response to those who have the opinion that cohabiting should only happen after marriage...I had a very Christian upbringing and had it instilled in me that this was the correct way to go about things...and ideally I believe it is

However I would just be abit scared to do things that way round as living together is apparently quite a relationship tester! The idea of being engaged is good...but he will be deciding when that happens (I am traditional in that!) so wouldnt want to push things.

 

I will stress that I would not be considering us living together right now....it would probably be when we were together at least a year.Tbh I would rather we started afresh in our own plsce together which I have told him.

 

I do object rather to the last two poster's rather judgemental comments about him living at home.No his mum does not do everything for him at all and he is actually really helpful with housework at mine.He is still living at home because he simply can't afford to move out on his own although he has wanted to for a long time.Not all men are lazy slobs!

And he would never expect to live with me rent free (and I wouldnt let him anyway)

 

Just need to make sure we do it at the right time im the right way and for the right reasons I guess

[KatZee]

I had a very Christian upbringing and had it instilled in me that this was the correct way to go about things...and ideally I believe it is.

 

The idea of being engaged is good...but he will be deciding when that happens (I am traditional in that!) so wouldnt want to push things.

 

I will stress that I would not be considering us living together right now....it would probably be when we were together at least a year.Tbh I would rather we started afresh in our own plsce together which I have told him.

 

He is still living at home because he simply can't afford to move out on his own although he has wanted to for a long time.

 

Just need to make sure we do it at the right time im the right way and for the right reasons I guess

 

So it's clear what your expectations are of living together, so don't let him steamroll you into doing something that goes against your values.

 

You would rather be engaged, so stick to that. Because that's the best course of action. You guys have been together for only 6 months. I don't think engagement and marriage should be remotely on the table at this point. Date for 1.5-2 years and then see if you guys are both in the same place emotionally to want to get engaged. It's too soon right now.

 

Him moving in with you because he can't afford to on his own is not the reason to move in together. That is recipe for disaster. As I already wrote, moving in together is another step in a progression of decisions that lead to ultimate commitment. Moving in now is just going to keep you both in limbo.

 

Also, since he can't even afford to live on his own, how do you expect he's going to afford a ring to propose?

 

In my opinion he needs to get his life together before you two even bring up moving in together, engagement, etc. He needs to save money, probably get a better job. If he really wants to move out, he should look into renting something closer to you with a bunch of roommates. He can look on Craigslist.

 

I'd say take this off the table indefinitely.