Long Distance Breakup

[Xemyd]

I'm new to this website because I don't really have anyone to talk to about my break up. I don't like talking to my friends about it because they tend to bring it up often and it ends up derailing my day. Sorry that this is really long, I don't really know how to go about these types of things.

 

Me and my ex were together for over a year. We started seeing each other in July(2012), and in August he told me he accepted a job working out of town. I had done long distance before, and I know how difficult it is, but I wanted to be with him, so I stayed. He ended up working out of town until the next August(2013), throughout that time, he worked 8 days and then came home for about 5 days. We texted throughout the relationship, we'd see each other when he came home. We even went to a wedding together in June(2013). He was going back to school at the start of September, but he'd only be gone until the middle of November, but during August, he rarely talked to me, and finally I got fed up and told him we needed to talk about the lack of communication.

 

That was last Friday night, he apologized for not being open with me, but then started saying that he didn't know if he'd be back home after school, there isn't many jobs for his trade around here. I barely said anything to him that night because I knew I'd just start crying. I ended up spending the night with him, and in the morning he let me down easy, saying the distance was just too much. He looked and sounded absolutely sick over what he was saying, so I could tell he didn't want to have to do it. He had mentioned the night before that he'd rather end it on good terms, then force the relationship a few more months through the distance, and break up horribly. So, yeah, it was kind of mutual, I didn't scream or fight, I understood where he was coming from, I was calm and didn't let my emotions get to me until I was home.

 

I have issues telling people how I feel, so I never told him I loved him, although I have since around last November. This isn't my first break up, but this just feels different then all the others. I am upset with the situation, but I`m not miserable and bawling my eyes out all day long. There`s just something about it that makes me think we should be together, and I don`t believe in "the one", but I think he's someone who could be my "one".

 

I'm currently doing no contact, although I haven't told him that, I just haven't said anything to him since I left his house last. I'm currently in my last year of college, and I have an appointment tomorrow to see if I'd be able to transfer for my next semester to be closer to where he may have a job. I have set a goal that I can't contact him until it has been 4 weeks, unless he contacts me first, of course. In 4 weeks it will be the Thanksgiving weekend, which he will be home for.

 

Anyways, my concern is what I should say to him when I can contact him? If I should ask to see him and talk, or just talk over the phone and tell him everything I should have. I do want him back, and I do think we can make the distance work, we never really did the proper long distance things. We could have made it easier on ourselves but we never did. I just need some advice. Do I have a shot at rekindling what we had? I just feel lost.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm new to this website because I don't really have anyone to talk to about my break up. I don't like talking to my friends about it because they tend to bring it up often and it ends up derailing my day. Sorry that this is really long, I don't really know how to go about these types of things.

 

Me and my ex were together for over a year. We started seeing each other in July(2012), and in August he told me he accepted a job working out of town. I had done long distance before, and I know how difficult it is, but I wanted to be with him, so I stayed. He ended up working out of town until the next August(2013), throughout that time, he worked 8 days and then came home for about 5 days. We texted throughout the relationship, we'd see each other when he came home. We even went to a wedding together in June(2013). He was going back to school at the start of September, but he'd only be gone until the middle of November, but during August, he rarely talked to me, and finally I got fed up and told him we needed to talk about the lack of communication.

 

That was last Friday night, he apologized for not being open with me, but then started saying that he didn't know if he'd be back home after school, there isn't many jobs for his trade around here. I barely said anything to him that night because I knew I'd just start crying. I ended up spending the night with him, and in the morning he let me down easy, saying the distance was just too much. He looked and sounded absolutely sick over what he was saying, so I could tell he didn't want to have to do it. He had mentioned the night before that he'd rather end it on good terms, then force the relationship a few more months through the distance, and break up horribly. So, yeah, it was kind of mutual, I didn't scream or fight, I understood where he was coming from, I was calm and didn't let my emotions get to me until I was home.

 

I have issues telling people how I feel, so I never told him I loved him, although I have since around last November. This isn't my first break up, but this just feels different then all the others. I am upset with the situation, but I`m not miserable and bawling my eyes out all day long. There`s just something about it that makes me think we should be together, and I don`t believe in "the one", but I think he's someone who could be my "one".

 

I'm currently doing no contact, although I haven't told him that, I just haven't said anything to him since I left his house last. I'm currently in my last year of college, and I have an appointment tomorrow to see if I'd be able to transfer for my next semester to be closer to where he may have a job. I have set a goal that I can't contact him until it has been 4 weeks, unless he contacts me first, of course. In 4 weeks it will be the Thanksgiving weekend, which he will be home for.

 

Anyways, my concern is what I should say to him when I can contact him? If I should ask to see him and talk, or just talk over the phone and tell him everything I should have. I do want him back, and I do think we can make the distance work, we never really did the proper long distance things. We could have made it easier on ourselves but we never did. I just need some advice. Do I have a shot at rekindling what we had? I just feel lost.

 

Hm, for example? What do you think could have been done differently that would've saved the relationship? There may be a chance at reconnecting, but did you ever address why he was so absent throughout August?

[Xemyd]

Well, all we ever did was text when he was gone, because it's just easiest, especially if one of us isn't home. We could have tried Skype, more phone calls. You can do so much when you skype, and I find that when you can see the person it makes it a lot easier.

 

As for why he was quiet throughout August it was because he was stressed over being apart, and that he was unsure about his situation after he's done school. There's no jobs close to home for him, so he'd have to work in the same situation he was in before.

[justwhoiam]

in the morning he let me down easy, saying the distance was just too much. He looked and sounded absolutely sick over what he was saying, so I could tell he didn't want to have to do it. He had mentioned the night before that he'd rather end it on good terms, then force the relationship a few more months through the distance, and break up horribly. So, yeah, it was kind of mutual, I didn't scream or fight, I understood where he was coming from, I was calm and didn't let my emotions get to me until I was home.

So you spent the night with him in person? And he dumped you in the morning? That is horrible to my standards. You did great taking the blow with seemingly no reaction.

 

I have issues telling people how I feel, so I never told him I loved him, although I have since around last November.

Did he? Or the word love was never mentioned? If so, it was not a real relationship. You were not open to each other, or having high walls between each other.

 

In 4 weeks it will be the Thanksgiving weekend, which he will be home for.

Really? Thanksgiving is in 2 months and a half...

 

Anyways, my concern is what I should say to him when I can contact him?

If he's motivated not to lose you, he will contact you. If he's not, let him be. It takes two for such a thing, and being alone in that wouldn't make you feel any better, just more desperate.

 

I do want him back, and I do think we can make the distance work

In a month from now, you'll see things with different eyes. I'm not saying you won't love him anymore. But you'll be more critical, and more rational about this.

 

I just need some advice. Do I have a shot at rekindling what we had? I just feel lost.

If he comes back to you, you can have a good talk about mistakes you both made, and give it a try again. If you're both believing in it. If you have friends in common and he's keeping in touch, he will know if you move near him. Anyway, don't plan your life around him. He might move somewhere else, and you'd be alone in the middle of nowhere.

[Xemyd]

Canadian thanksgiving, sorry.

 

And I wouldn't actually transfer schools without talking to him first about it, to see if he'd actually be in the same town, or close to it. It's just the company he's working for is in a city I have family in so it wouldn't be too much of a move, and I'm only jut assuming he'd go to that city. The company could send him elsewhere though.

Edited September 20, 2013 by Xemyd
Thought wasn't finished

[justwhoiam]

The company could send him elsewhere though.

He'd never take on so much responsibility with you, telling you to move, and then 2 months later maybe he's sent somewhere else.

 

He made his decision: he broke up with you. It's hard. And I feel for you. But you can't make him be with you if he doesn't want to in the first place.

 

I'm sure he gave it some thought before breaking up, and in the end he wants to be free right now.

[Xemyd]

It's hard to explain his job, but they aren't short jobs. They're a year at a time at least, if I transferred it would only be for one semester. There is a job starting where we live in around a years time that he's going to get.

[writergal]

Look at how he broke up with you. He spent the night with you then dumped you the next day. Very low class behavior. You're young. He's done with you. Go no contact to heal. Then find a new guy in town to date.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's kind of doubtful that he spent the month of August "too stressed out because we were apart" to contact you. Sounds as though that's when he started pulling away from you and living his life in real time. I think it would be awfully naive of you to think he was home every night crying into his beer and sitting in the dark in misery and that's why he was so quiet.

 

Very, very doubtful.

 

Look he's a young guy with his whole life ahead of him and this relationship simply became a yoke around his neck after a while. To expect someone night after night after night after night to just sit home alone and not experience life outside of working and school is just completely unrealistic. He's a young man with desires and needs and being committed to a telephone/texting relationship just wasn't cutting it for him.

 

Lastly, he clearly was NOT invested enough in this relationship to tough it out. I think it was pretty sleazy (like everyone else who replied to your post here) that he spent the night and then dumped you in the morning. What does he think, that he's such a friggen prize that one more night of his oh so precious company was some kind of "gift" for you? What a jerkoff.

 

You're fooling yourself if you think for one minute moving out by him for a semester is somehow going to turn things around. It will just make you look desperate and needy and clingy. He's ready to move on. You seriously need to graciously back away and stop clinging to someone who clearly is ready to go in another direction.

 

My thoughts exactly. He was too stressed from the distance, so that's why he didn't contact you? That makes zero sense. Don't buy that.

 

And I agree about NOT moving to be near him. He broke up with you for a reason. Going closer to him is not likely to work out in your favour

[writergal]

OP, what everyone's saying here is that you need to accept that the relationship with this guy is over and move on.

 

Please don't waste your last semester of college by moving to the town where he'll start his new job. I think you'll really regret doing that. Plus, he'll view that as desperate and needy and any interaction you have with him in person by that point will be super awkward - especially if he has a new girlfriend. If you decide to talk to him when he comes home for Canadian Thanksgiving, don't be surprised if he's still "over" you and doesn't have any romantic feelings left. Breakups are mostly permanent.

 

You wrote in your post that you didn't tell him you loved him, that you didn't freak out when he broke up with you and that you don't believe in "the one" yet you think he is "the one" and want him back. I think you are very young and very confused about what love is, which is why you need to go out there and date a lot of guys who live in your city (stop the LDR stuff) so that you can build up more dating experience that will help you make better decisions in the future about what you want from "the one."

 

If you're stubborn and decide that you must contact him again when he's home for your Canadian Thanksgiving, be prepared that he may not be interested in returning your call, text, or email because he's moved on already. I don't know why you'd want to set yourself up to be rejected by him a second time since the breakup already happened.