Just found out Wife cheated 20 years ago.

[Realist3]

I couldn't disagree more vehemently. He just found out so his d-day was 1 week ago - how can you be so callus? For some people, having a spouse hide their cheating for many years is just as painful as discovering a current affair. In addition to the shock of the actual cheating, he knows that their life together has been a lie for all this time. He can't help but wonder how many other lies she is holding back. You start to examine every one of her "girls night out" and weekend retreats and everything like that.

 

OP: you have a right to feel however you feel. If your wife continues to take the low-road by blaming you to excuse her behavior, it could be that she is so ashamed of what she did that she cannot face the truth. She isn't capable of seeing that she did a bad thing and hence is a bad person. You will both need counseling in order to resolve this and I urge you to start as soon as possible.

 

Oh geez, it wasn't a d-day. As per usual everyone here likes to play everything up. His life has not been a lie at all. Some of you really need to take a step into reality because the fact that his wife got groped is not a serious offense.

 

If that is the way you view life's experiences... there should be a commune for people like yourself who can't undersatnd what it is like to be human.

[pteromom]

If that is the way you view life's experiences... there should be a commune for people like yourself who can't undersatnd what it is like to be human.

 

Especially human and YOUNG. Since it happened 20 years ago, I assume she was in her late teens/early twenties? And I would also assume she has grown up quite a bit since then.

[road]

I don't think it was the 20 years ago thing that probably bothers him.

 

If he was like me, if he just found out, sure he is going to have questions and such, and he has every right to be upset.

 

But the problem is not that she did this 20 years ago, the problem is she is unapologetic, not remoresful, and says he is lucky that she didn't do more since she blamed him in the first place.

 

Thats the problem and if he feels the same way, he is not overreacting. Its not her past behavior, but her present.

 

It is not old news to the BH. It is brand new to him. He has to tell his WW that it is old news to her though not him.

[road]

He should just leave then. Throw away 20 years, and just leave. It is a huge nothing.

 

No that is not how to base his decision.

[atreides]

I completely agree. However a couple people are ignoring the fact that it her behavior about it all now that is making this difficult for him. And yes, its is new to him.

 

I'm guessing if she treated him with understanding instead of gaslighting, and shoving it his face that he was lucky she didn't F the guy because he pushed her to cheat, it might be a different story.

 

And based on her reaction and lousy treatment of OP, I'm guessing that she just may not have been all that loyal in the 20 years.

 

Her reaction isn't that of a loving spouse who is remorseful about what she has done and loved him for 20 years. Her reaction is that of a resentful unremorseful person who probably wishes she had more opportunity over the 20 years to mess around. And I'd bet good money that she has.

 

 

Agreed, i think there is infidelity going on or at least more than what she has admitted

[readytohouse87]

Yeah. You're sure infidelity is going on? Really? Gimme a freakin' break.

I do agree with you on that one. I think that's really old news and maybe his wife isn't trying to sound cold but probably has nothing else to say about it.

[William]

New member, one post, over 24 hours since last logged in, so thread closed with the option to re-open upon request via 'alert us'.