Am I being selfish/ungrateful? Does he have a right to feel taken advantage of?

[Summer Lovin]

I just need to get another opinion about the situation that I'm in because I feel guilty. I've been with my boyfriend for 3-years, and we are both in our mid-20s. I recently moved in with him after doing a long distance relationship. We are both career-oriented. I met him during a time of transition. We were both living in the same city and dated for 6-months. He then relocated for a new job and I relocated to pursue a graduate degree. He had asked me to go with him to his new city, but I ended up pursuing school and wanted to maintain a committed long distance relationship. He was resentful I did not pick moving with him and we even broke up for a bit, but I had hoped I could move there after school. I saw him during all of my breaks and we talked everyday. I saw him once every month - two months, and I'll admit I enjoyed having an "escape" from my school's town. I know during the long distance he was not 100% committed to me, but I understood that it could be a moment of weakness given the distance and perhaps he didn't feel fulfilled. I would still get angry about it, but I didn't cut the cord. He said that he really wanted to be with me though, and when I moved where he was we would pick up where we left off, so I figured I'd give it a chance.

 

I really targeted his city for places I could find jobs. I also really like the city. I had better offers elsewhere but chose his city as priority. I ended up getting an internship, and it did not lead to a full-time job so I don't have a job, and I also have a car payment. I'm living with him, but I am not giving him rent money because I merely cannot find work and don't have an income. I have only been here for 4-months. I help out with his gas, food, and when I had an income gave him some rent, and I wish I could contribute more. However, he pays for the majority of things and has spent a lot of money on gifts for me, computer, etc. I don't demand he buys me these things, both he just does and then goes on about all he's done for me and I just take advantage of it. He also has a steady income. I feel guilty because this is my "home" here, and I don't have anywhere else to go or stay. It's like he took the place of my parents. I can tell he feels resentful about this, and he is always complaining that I just showed up and expected him to do everything for me, I didn't really contribute to anything. I'm not happy about this situation, but right now I'm basically just sitting in his apartment all day. He also goes on about how I have free rent. I can tell he sees it as "his" place as well because he threatens to kick me out at times when we fight, and I just think he feels like I'm a huge burden to him. He sees me as just as a guest visiting that's eating away his money. I am not happy about this situation and feel bad that I'm just sitting on his couch, I know it's not his responsibility to take care of me.

 

I recently received a full-time offer in a different location, and I accepted it, but when I bring this up to him, he says that he always knew that I never cared about him and that I'm one of the most selfish people he knows always thinking of what I can get out of things. It's like I can't win though because he's upset when I'm away and he's upset when I'm there. The happy medium is I'm there living with him and working full-time, but I haven't been able to find anything. He says he wants to keep visiting me, and still make things work but just not live together, I don't see a point in dragging it out though. After 3-years, and our ages, I figured we would work towards and engagement and our future, but we aren't doing that. I get resentful that we aren't getting engaged, but he is not ready. I feel we're wasting time and eventually I will meet someone else. I know if I tell him this he's going to go on about how I took advantage of him, and if I were to ever meet someone else he'd want to get even because he feels like I've betrayed/wronged him multiple times and treated him terribly. He's already told me how angry he'd be if I met someone else after everything I put him through and everything he has done for me. He has done a lot, as most guys probably would've kicked me out. He does feel like I'm using him, and I'll admit I was hardly an angel while living with him because I was stressed about finances and would often get insecure about other women, sometimes the ones he worked with. He said had I not been such a pain and inspired him more, he would want me to stay living with him.

 

Advice? Am I really being selfish and ungrateful?

[HereWeGoAgain1]

I just need to get another opinion about the situation that I'm in because I feel guilty. I've been with my boyfriend for 3-years, and we are both in our mid-20s. I recently moved in with him after doing a long distance relationship. We are both career-oriented. I met him during a time of transition. We were both living in the same city and dated for 6-months. He then relocated for a new job and I relocated to pursue a graduate degree. He had asked me to go with him to his new city, but I ended up pursuing school and wanted to maintain a committed long distance relationship. He was resentful I did not pick moving with him and we even broke up for a bit, but I had hoped I could move there after school. I saw him during all of my breaks and we talked everyday. I saw him once every month - two months, and I'll admit I enjoyed having an "escape" from my school's town. I know during the long distance he was not 100% committed to me, but I understood that it could be a moment of weakness given the distance and perhaps he didn't feel fulfilled. I would still get angry about it, but I didn't cut the cord. He said that he really wanted to be with me though, and when I moved where he was we would pick up where we left off, so I figured I'd give it a chance.

 

I really targeted his city for places I could find jobs. I also really like the city. I had better offers elsewhere but chose his city as priority. I ended up getting an internship, and it did not lead to a full-time job so I don't have a job, and I also have a car payment. I'm living with him, but I am not giving him rent money because I merely cannot find work and don't have an income. I have only been here for 4-months. I help out with his gas, food, and when I had an income gave him some rent, and I wish I could contribute more. However, he pays for the majority of things and has spent a lot of money on gifts for me, computer, etc. I don't demand he buys me these things, both he just does and then goes on about all he's done for me and I just take advantage of it. He also has a steady income. I feel guilty because this is my "home" here, and I don't have anywhere else to go or stay. It's like he took the place of my parents. I can tell he feels resentful about this, and he is always complaining that I just showed up and expected him to do everything for me, I didn't really contribute to anything. I'm not happy about this situation, but right now I'm basically just sitting in his apartment all day. He also goes on about how I have free rent. I can tell he sees it as "his" place as well because he threatens to kick me out at times when we fight, and I just think he feels like I'm a huge burden to him. He sees me as just as a guest visiting that's eating away his money. I am not happy about this situation and feel bad that I'm just sitting on his couch, I know it's not his responsibility to take care of me.

 

I recently received a full-time offer in a different location, and I accepted it, but when I bring this up to him, he says that he always knew that I never cared about him and that I'm one of the most selfish people he knows always thinking of what I can get out of things. It's like I can't win though because he's upset when I'm away and he's upset when I'm there. The happy medium is I'm there living with him and working full-time, but I haven't been able to find anything. He says he wants to keep visiting me, and still make things work but just not live together, I don't see a point in dragging it out though. After 3-years, and our ages, I figured we would work towards and engagement and our future, but we aren't doing that. I get resentful that we aren't getting engaged, but he is not ready. I feel we're wasting time and eventually I will meet someone else. I know if I tell him this he's going to go on about how I took advantage of him, and if I were to ever meet someone else he'd want to get even because he feels like I've betrayed/wronged him multiple times and treated him terribly. He's already told me how angry he'd be if I met someone else after everything I put him through and everything he has done for me. He has done a lot, as most guys probably would've kicked me out. He does feel like I'm using him, and I'll admit I was hardly an angel while living with him because I was stressed about finances and would often get insecure about other women, sometimes the ones he worked with. He said had I not been such a pain and inspired him more, he would want me to stay living with him.

 

Advice? Am I really being selfish and ungrateful?

 

Sounds like you both are but in totally different ways. Either way it doesn't sound healthy.

 

If I were you I'd arrange to go out to a public place (restaurant or coffee) and talk it out, lay it all out on the line but agree before hand you'll not interrupt each other and hear each other out. The public place will help prevent any huge arguments.

 

Modern life can have a devastating impact on relationships and we all hope that the love we have for each other can get us through it no matter what but that's not always the case.

 

In the end the most important thing is you and you alone. If you decide to move out and closer to the job and break it off, you likely will feel guilty for a while but I don't see what else you can do, if you stay you're in the same situation and exacerbating his complaints. However what you'll find is that if you walk away, after some time he will realise what he's done wrong and so will you but it'll be easier to manage and accept for both of you after some time has passed and when cooler heads prevail.