techgruv Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 My wife of 4 years wants to leave we've been together total for 10 years Im 29 and she is 26. We are high school sweethearts. Our relationship has been good and bad as any relationship is,when we were younger we were stuck like glue to each other she like hanging out with me cause i knew of all the parties and i was on top of the world beside her. Anyway... day dreaming of the easier times... Before we where married we departed our ways for about a year(girlfriend at the time wanted it) and in that time i made the mistake and got a girl pregent. About 3 months before the baby was due, My current wife came crying and begging me to get back with her, said she would deal with the baby and she has she love my son as if he were her own I think of him as her son also and he calls her momma aswell we get him every weekend, we got back together and married. Ive also had a drinking problem during this time, and put my wife through a hell of a time my drinking was out of controll to the point of blackouts, but as of now havent had a drink in 2 years.We now have a 1.5 year old daughter too who is just beatiful!. And...my wife is a second year MEd student, I work full time and have been juggling with school when i can. the first year of med school was really stressfull for me and my wife more for me I had developed anxaiety attacks daily and depression as well I was put on medication (Celexa) but that seemed to make it worse, I felt that we wernt educated enough to know what to expect that first year of med school and prepare for it. So I went to the doctor and he had said that my tyroid was a little hyper but didnt give meds. put me on Zoloft. But all this time I was hiding the fact that I was depressed from my wife and family. And told my wife I was on meds for hypertyroidism when I wasnt. I told her this only because I was ashamed of my depression and denied it.so i lied to her and she found out and with all the other crap i guess she had enough i dont know what to do? I just think we filled our plate to much with everything...MED school, 2 kids,2 dogs, 2nd house, my anxaiety attacks, work... plus our house was robbed, car was stolen all this in 1 year. It was to much to quick. My wife never helped me with my anxaiety, never tried to calm me or get the help or info i couldnt because i was lossing my mind. I said and did things during those attacks that I wish were never said or done, but i felt like i was out of my mind, I let the bills go to hell cause i couldnt handle everyday things like that. She says she wants a seperation so she can heal and gain trust again and she makes me feel like such a loser, she even told me she couldnt be with a blue collar worker which i am (printing industry). And she wants to feel like I can take care of her well what the hell have I done the past 8 years this is the first time i ever let things go to hell and i couldnt even cotroll most of it. she says the problem is just me! YEa im not perfect and have made mistakes but for her NOT to even want to go to marriage counceling really pisses me off how can she do this for what I beleive one really tough year on the whole family, I think she is being selfish and only thinking of herself, I tell we can get through this we just need "A toolbox with the right tools in it, and know how to use those tools" I tell dont take my family away like this and she says there is no family now that hurts .. hurts bad. also im in counceling for my anxaiety aswell for seperation! Any advice please help Im just a guy tring to keep his family together!!I love that woman.!
Devildog Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 Step back like she asked. Pleading and begging isn't going to fix this. She needs time apart and you need to use the time to get yourself straightened out. You seem to have a lot of emotional issues you need to work through and get help for. It is good that you are getting that help. Give it some time and you will feel better and understand what is going on better. Your wife is in a very stressful environment going to med school. She is probably overwhelmed with studies and having to pick you up isn't helping her with that workload. Going to counseling on top of everyhting else probably isn't going to help her with her career goals right now either. The best advice I can give is to give her some space, and try to get your issues under control on your own. Once you can help ease her burden instead of adding to it things will probably improve. It sounds like you are a large part of the current problem and you need to be the major part of the solution.
Ladyjane14 Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 Devildog is right. You're going to have to get your own issues under control before you can procede with the relationship work. Forgive me if I'm misreading the situation, but you seem to be wanting your wife to solve these issues for you. She couldn't even if she wanted to. They are YOUR issues. Self-involved sounds like such an ugly word. But it's really hard not to be self-involved when you're dealing with the pain of depression. You can't meet the emotional needs of your partner when you're in that bad place. And she can't meet yours because it's YOUR depression, not hers. You are the one who has to solve this. And you better get on the stick too, because you'll lose your marriage if you don't. Keep seeking professional treatment, and give it time to work. It may take several different meds. It make take several different doctors. But it will work, if you hang in there.
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