I think my 13yo daughter may be bulimic.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

This morning, a few things slid together in my head.

 

Key fact is: My 13 year old daughter disappears in the middle of family meals to go to the bathroom. She has been doing this for a few weeks. It seems a strange and impolite quirk, but beyond manners it has not figured in our conversation.

 

She is not an easy child.

-She is withdrawn, unsociable, uncommunicative, and shies away from attempts at conversation.

-She is very body conscious and is embarrassed by all nakedness or body functions, but spends much time on her her hair and has many baths.

 

Typical teenager stuff, I thought. She is doing OK in school so I leave the door open to conversation, and mostly have just let her be. More facts:

 

-One of her very few friends, is bulimic.

-She goes to a girls school.

-Her mother my wife, is up-and-down, had 16 years of psychotherapy, intermittenly hates her own mother, used to be on anti-depressants. My daughter takes after her physically, and in particular ways (e.g. when she feels ill she feels depressed and irritable also, to the extent that one predicts the other and vice versa). To the extent that's a predictor, not good.

-Small for her age. Quite thin but not bony.

-Her older sister is more confident and gets most of the attention.

-She has recently been buying tubs of ice cream on way home from school and eating them all. I discover the empty tubs in the garbage. Talked to her about that, thought we had agreed it was dumb.

 

More background: While my daughter grew up, there has been a lot of parental conflict. More overt in the last year. Many reasons for this I won't go into now. But on this matter, which I just briefly mentioned when dropping my wife off to catch the train to work, my wife and myself are one. She is horrified at the thought.

 

Not 100% certain. It just .... fits. I am inclined to be straight and ask "We noticed you go to the bathroom during and after meals - do you go to throw up?"

 

Any advice on what to think about, what to ask? What not to say?

Edited September 19, 2013 by TiredFamilyGuy

[amaysngrace]

Why don't you get up from dinner about a minute after she does and listen through the door for wretching sounds?

 

If she's throwing up in there I'd wait at the door until she's done and when she opens the door I'd give her a hug.

 

Then I'd speak from my heart and lend her my shoulder and my ear.

 

If she's not throwing up I'd go back and finish my dinner.

[Ryan_Talon]

Why don't you get up from dinner about a minute after she does and listen through the door for wretching sounds?

 

If she's throwing up in there I'd wait at the door until she's done and when she opens the door I'd give her a hug.

 

Then I'd speak from my heart and lend her my shoulder and my ear.

 

If she's not throwing up I'd go back and finish my dinner.

 

Totally agree with all of that!

I would want to be pretty certain before asking her straight out! and even then its better if you have proof or should could just deny deny deny!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I hope you will be strong/mature enough to understand that all of the compassion and well-wishes in the world still won't let you solve this alone.

 

 

It is akin to addressing what is considerably significant overeating with "that's dumb" and thinking it enough to alter anything.

 

 

I cannot stress enough that it's O-kaaaaaaaaaaaay to realize that this is bigger than you are.

 

 

Speaking directly to her, and making an effort to be with her will get you a hell of a lot further than will new rules about ice cream limits, or table manners, etc.

 

She's gonna be as uncomfortable and embarrassed as hell, so if you make your first effort that of greatly reducing/limiting that aspect... then you might gain worlds of respect from your daughter, which will last well into the future.

 

 

Needless to say, (unless you need me to say it)...

 

It is also OK that this is much bigger than she is as well.

 

 

Good luck in your efforts.

[CC12]

-She has recently been buying tubs of ice cream on way home from school and eating them all. I discover the empty tubs in the garbage. Talked to her about that, thought we had agreed it was dumb.

 

I hope you just paraphrased for the sake of the thread, and didn't actually address it with your daughter by saying "it's dumb." What did you say when you brought it up?