Ugh! Why?

[Kelly15]

I wrote on here about my depressed ex who had cheated on me after I wasted 7 yrs

 

He had the nerve to email me last night ( from his other account,I blocked him) and say he needed to clear his head,

He said he only cheated on me, the last 6 mos and had with many ppl.

 

That his therapist told him to quit hurting me and stay away. He said he cried all day because I was the only person who loved him and he never meant to hurt me. That he had really loved me once. That I was the most beautiful girl he ever saw and the most good hearted person ever. If I ever needed anything, he would be there. ( I would never want anything from him)

 

That he wanted me to find out so I would leave him and never take him back. He lied till the end about cheating so makes no sense.

He said he had to quit hurting me and was in no place to be in a relationship like he thought that was still option for him. He hoped he haven't hurt me to much and hoped I was very happy

That he had nothing in life and had been doing nothing but working, drinking and drugs since we broke up. That he wants to die and the dr doesn't take him seriously.

 

I know he wrote this to explain and try to make me feel better but it doesn't. Just as I'm feeling somewhat ok, he doe this?

 

It makes me feel much worse and hate him even more!

 

I know this should give me answer but it just makes me feel more rejected, low and like I wasted the best years of my life

Is it normal to feel so hurt and bitter still ?

Do I should like I need a head dr now?

[Bluebelle38]

Of course it is normal to be hurt and angry still.

 

This guy sounds like a manipulative little coward. Sounds to me like he is more interested in contacting you so he can make out he isn't really all that bad.

 

As for the 'he wanted you to find out'. Well that is BS. If it was the case, he would not have kept lying, he would have been caught and been done with.

 

Leaving a relationship is tough, but you don't have to be depressed and cheat to leave. He hurt you big time.

 

Delete the email and go back to working on your healing. He deserves no more of your tears or time. It will get better, stay strong xx

[Kelly15]

He also said he felt he did it because he was lonely and I wasn't there enough, I'm in medical school , mainly to built a future for him and I, I was there every time he called, I went without sleep so many nights trying to do both. I want to vomit reading that.

 

And how can he say he had nothing? He had a girl who loved him unconditionally and would have done anything for him. People kill to have someone love them and he was lonely & had nothing?

 

He took everything he had for granted, I know this will hurt him to in the long run. And I think he deserves and needs that to grow up. And it's also not my fault or problem.

 

And I do promo/modeling work to make money during school, it's short hours and good pay so I can focus on my studies, doesnt take much of my time during school months. And he's a bar manager at one of the places I do promo work at, my boss said he will give me one month off from working that bar, so I will probably have to quit my job too in a month.

 

I feel so confused, insecure and drained .

Never felt like this in my life.

[serial muse]

He also said he felt he did it because he was lonely and I wasn't there enough, I'm in medical school , mainly to built a future for him and I, I was there every time he called, I went without sleep so many nights trying to do both. I want to vomit reading that.

 

And how can he say he had nothing? He had a girl who loved him unconditionally and would have done anything for him. People kill to have someone love them and he was lonely & had nothing?

 

He took everything he had for granted, I know this will hurt him to in the long run. And I think he deserves and needs that to grow up. And it's also not my fault or problem.

 

And I do promo/modeling work to make money during school, it's short hours and good pay so I can focus on my studies, doesnt take much of my time during school months. And he's a bar manager at one of the places I do promo work at, my boss said he will give me one month off from working that bar, so I will probably have to quit my job too in a month.

 

I feel so confused, insecure and drained .

Never felt like this in my life.

 

Ugh, it's disgusting but entirely consistent that he's trying to blame his cheating on you. Don't believe a word of it. And let me point out that cheating while on vacation puts a big red X over "you weren't there enough". :rolleyes:

 

I'm sure he's feeling guilt, but you know what? It's not enough, and it will never be enough. He's not owning his behavior at all - it's so incredibly shxtty of him to try to alleviate his guilt by putting it on you. None of this is your fault!!! Just goes to show what you'd be in for if you had decided to stick around.

 

Also, the bit about only during the last 6 months? Guaranteed lie. He's full of it. Please block this account of his too!

[Kelly15]

It's blocked, he made sure to try to turn the reject on me that he couldn't be with me cause he hurts !! Lol what a pos

[truth_seeker]

Your first mistake was being with someone for 7 years with no plan for marriage. after the first year of the relationship, there should be a talk of where the relationship is going.

 

This guy is only contacting you so he can get forgiveness and feel better about himself. He needs to be in control and have power over you. If you forgive him, he gains some power back. Then he will think he can get you back.

 

I would take this opportunity to pound the nail in the coffin. Write him back. My suggestion:

 

"Please stop contacting me. We're done. I've moved on. I'm seeing someone else now and am very happy with him. If you continue to contact me, I will look into getting a restraining order against you."

[Kelly15]

I don't think he will contact me again for a while, he will first go see what else is out there,maybe find a girl who is more like him to do drugs etc..

 

I think it will be a year at least before I hear from him, he might realized what he lost or want his ego stoked. He always had me there, sometimes I feel like his whipping post not cuz he hurt me but because I was the one who heard all the emotional negative crying , he would never do that with his friends and I didn't mind, just hurt I couldn't make it better. So now he has no one and now blaming his mom and pushing her away

 

If I do hear from him again, I will tell him that. There's really no way for him to contact me besides writing a letter which I don't see him doing.

[truth_seeker]

The fact you're not there and you're ignoring him is torturing him on the inside. Make sure you're not connected to any social media. Block him from your pages.

[soccerrprp]

I too am baffled by people who continue to be bf/gf for more than 2-3 years. If you don't know what the LT deal is within the first two years, then there needs to be some serious talking.

 

I had a friend who was in a 8-year relationship! OMG. It ended badly...if after 2-3 years, there is doubt in the mind of one or the other.

 

Anyway, sorry, Kelly15. He did waste 7-years of your life. You'll rebound though. It sounds like you have a lot going for you and your ex blundered BIG TIME!

[Kelly15]

thats been done, he said he doesnt want me in his life anyways. just want to write me the truth.

I need the job, my bills are piled up, partly from trying to cheer him up. Ugh! I'm so stupid.

Should I quit it? I can't find another job where I make the same pay for short hours. My friends say stick it out but I really don't want to have to even be in the same room with him

[Kelly15]

He said we would be married when he got his life together, he was having a hard time and having me there made everything ok. That was said two days before he cheated

[truth_seeker]

I too am baffled by people who continue to be bf/gf for more than 2-3 years. If you don't know what the LT deal is within the first two years, then there needs to be some serious talking.

 

I had a friend who was in a 8-year relationship! OMG. It ended badly...if after 2-3 years, there is doubt in the mind of one or the other.

 

Anyway, sorry, Kelly15. He did waste 7-years of your life. You'll rebound though. It sounds like you have a lot going for you and your ex blundered BIG TIME!

 

I'm am so with you. This is why I never took dating seriously in my early to mid 20's. Now I have a rule: 6 months. If I'm dating a woman for 6 months, then I should have a handle on who she is and if we both see a future together. The next 6 months, plans for a future will be discussed and it's either make it or break it.

[StanMusial]

You're in med school? Couldn't you find someone better than this dirtbag?

[soccerrprp]

He said we would be married when he got his life together, he was having a hard time and having me there made everything ok. That was said two days before he cheated

 

Kelly15,

 

Leave him in your past for good. My friend I mentioned did the same thing (if I read your posts correctly). She stayed b/c he said he needed to get his act together before getting married. It didn't. She knew from the start that his issues were ingrained in him, but she felt she could save, help him. It's a little sad thinking about the crap she put herself through for this guy and now she sees how effed-up it all was.

 

Look for another job, but don't put yourself into a worse financial bind by just leaving.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK OR EVEN CONSIDER IT. If after just a year he couldn't get his act together, let alone 8, he won't. He won't b/c he can't, won't or won't for YOU.

 

Good luck! Good luck with med school. I wish we could talk about that too.

[soccerrprp]

I'm am so with you. This is why I never took dating seriously in my early to mid 20's. Now I have a rule: 6 months. If I'm dating a woman for 6 months, then I should have a handle on who she is and if we both see a future together. The next 6 months, plans for a future will be discussed and it's either make it or break it.

 

6-months!? I would say 1-yr, but 6-months sounds reasonable if the contact is consistent and often.

 

Anyway, I HEAR YOU! It's just crazy, especially women, to tolerate multi-years of essentially what is dating while living together. No commitment within 3 years- FORGET ABOUT IT.

[truth_seeker]

6-months!? I would say 1-yr, but 6-months sounds reasonable if the contact is consistent and often.

 

Anyway, I HEAR YOU! It's just crazy, especially women, to tolerate multi-years of essentially what is dating while living together. No commitment within 3 years- FORGET ABOUT IT.

 

6 months because I'm in my 30's. I think after the Honeymoon phase wears out and you both get to know each other's families and some friends, you can tell if it will work or not.

 

As a guy I can tell all women out there: if you're dating for more than 2 years with a guy, and living with him, very good chance he is cheating. He's just having his cake and eating it, too. I also know women are doing this, too...

[Bluebelle38]

Can I recommend the book Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. it is fantastic and will change the way you view relationships forever.

 

He was majorly punching above his weight, although you probably don't believe that. You have the world at your feet, you don't need this cling-on, lying boy holding you back.

 

Embrace this new chapter in your life. You deserve so much more than he offered you.

 

Get the book, read it and don't look back

 

xx

[Kelly15]

Luckily I didn't live with him, he lives like a college kid at 34.

 

I just can't believe he refered to me as nothing and how easy if was to mess me over. I def won't take him back.

 

He said he's a total mess and relationships happen and sometimes just over night , you fall out of love.

That he knows he learned a lot from hurting me and will treat the next girl good.

He also, cried that I was the only one who have him a birthday present. He comes from a rich family and at his age , they don't want to help him out. He said if he had money, he could be happy.

He will find a girl who makes him happy and he will change for her.

 

I met him before I started med school.

 

I've try so hard to keep this guy happy and he going to tell me these things?

 

I'm messing up at school, probably going to have to quit my job. I just hate him so much. I've never feel this before. I have to get past this , I just don't know how.

 

I will def get that book

[Bluebelle38]

Honey, it is not your job to keep him happy. He is a grown man.

 

Get that book. You will see yourself in the pages and you will come out of this experience a stronger woman who will never settle for so little again.

 

This is a massive learning curve for you and thank God you did not have children with him as you would be tied to him emotionally forever.

 

Flick him to the corner. He isn't good enough for you!!

[soccerrprp]

Can I recommend the book Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. it is fantastic and will change the way you view relationships forever.

 

Hey, bluebelle

 

I'm pretty certain that I may be dating a woman that fits the title of the book you suggested. Would it be helpful for us guys to get a much better idea of what we're dealing with by reading it? What to look for and how to help so that I don't become a target of such behavior?

 

Thanks. Intrigued and will get the book.

[Bluebelle38]

I used to be a WWLTM. I only see it now that I am out of the cycle.

 

If Being in Love Means Being in Pain, Therapist Robin Norwood Says You Are a Woman Who Loves Too Much.

 

"It was mostly from the wives and girlfriends of addictive men that I began to understand the nature of the disease," says Robin Norwood, 40, author of the best-selling Women Who Love Too Much, subtitled When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change (Tarcher/ St. Martin's Press, $14.95). In the book Norwood examines why women become involved in destructive relationships with men, and what can be done about the fatal attraction. A California licensed family and marriage therapist with a master's degree in human development from Pacific Oaks College in Pasadena.

 

Another interesting link here (it's long but worth the read!)

 

If you are anything like a large number of women, your guy is the center of your universe. Your thoughts revolve around him, your day punctuated by his smiles and your worth determined by how satisfied he is with all that you do to make him happy. You pour love into the relationship hoping that every ounce you give will come back to you as appreciation. And because your love fuels him, he shines like the sun. Even when his plans supersede yours, his work is deemed more important, and his words hold more weight, at the end of the day you don't mind because after all – you love him. Is it possible to love someone too much?

Many women equate loving a man with perpetual giving, submitting and acquiescing. A woman seems to have an endless supply of love to give to others, but little to give to herself. She tends to submit thinking her role is to support rather than to direct and will acquiesce her power in the relationship to help her man feel more powerful and remain dominant. A woman's identity is dependent on proving her love, while a man's identity is more defined by how well he provides. A woman feels fulfilled when she is doing everything she can to make her man happy. She seldom realizes how little she gets in return.

The following signs will hopefully give you at bit of insight into behaviors that suggest you love your guy a bit too much:

1. Standing On Your Head To Make Him Happy
   If your man is grumbling, seems distant, and uncommunicative it's not necessarily your cue to jump up and start catering to his needs. Fluffing his pillow or spending hours in the kitchen fixing his favorite meal won't cure his woes. It will only exhaust you. Yes, he's everything to you. But doing "everything" for him assumes he is a cripple and is demeaning. If you continue on this vein, your man will likely see you as a dotting mother type rather than the "goddess of love" you wish to be. Women often feel overly responsible for their men's wounds and moods, thinking that they in someway caused them. In their eyes, they must have done something wrong to cause him to slip into silence. A woman, therefore, sees it as her duty to nurture him into a mood change. In this case a woman's love is tainted by her shame.
   
2. Looking Up to Him and Looking Down on Yourself
   Many women put men on a pedestal because of a collective legacy of feminine degradation. After all, the sun shines brightest and the moon only glows because of the sun. For centuries, women have been trained and conditioned to believe a man's intelligence is superior. This conditioned belief is difficult to shake even for the most liberated and accomplished woman. If you are the type to put your guy on a high mountain, thinking he is more intelligent, capable and ultimately more important, all that admiration will make you look pathetic. Your adoration will likely only fuel an already too big ego and does little to elevate your self-worth.
   
3. Abandoning Your Friends to Spend Every Waking Minute with Him
   The worst thing a woman can do is to deny herself time with her friends, thinking her partner will miss her, can't fend for himself, or that she will meet with disapproval if she spends too much time away from him. If you are the type to only contact friends when your mate isn't home or hang up the phone abruptly when he comes through the door, your friends are probably annoyed by your rude behavior. A woman's friendships outside of her relationship feed and reward her. And in times when things aren't running smoothly in her relationship, good friends offer support and advice.
   
4. Your Goals Don't Matter As Much as His
   Abandoning your goals whether a career choice, an educational opportunity or a spiritual journey because you believe your partner's goals will serve you more in the end, will derail your hopes for personal fulfillment. Maybe the reason why you sacrifice your goals to encourage his is because you believe he deserves success more than you or because deep inside you don't believe in yourself. If you put your personal goals on the backburner too long, your dreams will simmer away.
   
5. Kissing Up Too Often
   Contrary to your belief, kissing up to your man won't tame the beast in him. He will only lose respect for you and complain even more. It is not uncommon for a woman to side with her mate even if she knows he's wrong, support poor decisions or refrain from giving advice thinking she is proving her love and faith in him by keeping silent. If you find yourself the one to always say you are sorry first, taking the brunt of the blame for all arguments, you will lose self-respect. Sure, you may believe it is easier just to let him think he's won, but he has lost something valuable too – his respect for you.
   
6. Submitting to Sex
   Love and sex are simpatico in a woman's mind. But thinking a man has love on his mind when he pushing or coercing her to have sex when she isn't the least bit in the mood is not "lovemaking". Letting a man have his way with you doesn't honor the sacredness of true intimacy. You will likely feel used and even abused if after countless times of saying "no" you ultimately submit. Sex is an expression of love, not a duty.
   
7. He Gets Everything, You Get Nothing
   OK, he's got every power tool that Black & Decker makes, a basement full of music equipment he doesn't play and just brought home a new Harley-Davidson saying it will save on gas. And you? You pick out clothing donated to the thrift store and buy it with the change you had to dig out of the bottom of your purse. To make matters worse you just can't help bringing him home "a little something" from time to time. Women who are in the practice of indulging their mates while denying themselves feel undeserving. They appear vicariously gratified just knowing their mate has it all. Just seeing him happy is enough for her.
   
8. Dismantling Your Boundaries
   Some women let their mates push them into agreeing to do things they know will prove disastrous. Inviting his best friend to camp out in your living room for a month because he was thrown out of his home for being a slob or bringing home two stray dogs to be your companions while he's away all day, should push you to set some limits. But you just don't have the heart to tell him you don't appreciate the thought and extra work. No, you don't want him to think you are an ogre. But if you constantly dismantle your boundaries to accommodate your partner's soft heart, your own heart will be filled with resentment.
   Loving someone means you respect him enough to set boundaries, expect that he treat you with respect and gives to you in as many meaningful ways as you give to him. A woman may have to fight her own tendencies to submit and sacrifice in the name of love. If it's love that she is after, then she will have to love herself enough to ask for what she needs and stop giving endlessly thinking it wins her a place in his heart.
   

[soccerrprp]

Thank you very much.

[FitChick]

He said we would be married when he got his life together

 

In other words: Never.

 

Very telling that his family want nothing to do with him.

 

Why can't you find a hot doctor?

[Kelly15]

I ran into him out the other night, I was on a date and thought the ex would be working or at home playing video games.

My date was a hot dentist, for some reason , I wasn't excited about the date tho. Went to get out and get my mind off things. No ready to start dating seriously.

 

My date got disappointing drunk and kept putting his hands on me( I don't know where I find these guys) I told him to leave. He left nicely and as I was leaving to get a cab the ex comes over pretending to be worried about me and offering to get me a cab, he was high on drugs and with a bunch of drug heads.

 

He went on to tell me I needed to go home and he wouldn't leave till he saw me get in a cab. He made a point to tell me I'm the only person he worries about and he did all that for my best and wanted me to be very happy. I rolled my eyes told him he was fake and jumped in a cab. As soon as I got in cab, I bursted in tears. Why I don't know?

 

It wasn't hard seeing him, I guess it was cause he came up to me with that bs!

 

Anyways, he's close with his family. His mom is a dr, brother a stock broker . All successful and drug free. They love him just don't want to enable him.

 

I got book today, just got done studying and starting to read it now .

 

I just feel the biggest fool on earth!

[soccerrprp]

Take a serious break from dating for now. Take some time to get over your ex and his BS. And btw, do yourself a favor and if you're wanting a serious, healthy relationship, don't feel like you need to stick with others guys who are within your profession or income bracket. You seriously limit yourself that way.

 

Just my 2-cents....