overthinker27 Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 I'm very excited to have found this forum. I hope to get some opinions and comments from people who have more experience than I do. I've been in my relationship for over 3 years (im in my mid 20's). Just recently I have begun to think about if I want to spend my life with my current bf now I think I can see what our relationship is going to be like. We get along really well, I feel he accepts me for who I am, we hardly ever fight, it seems like a pretty relaxed relationship. Maybe too relaxed??? I am starting wonder if I have a life long FRIEND not a life long lover??? I am trying to work out what I NEED in a relationship and what is actually REALISTIC. The fact that I tend to always feel disappointed with life makes me wonder if the problem is me or if I really am missing out. I am basically stuck wondering if loosing all the good things is worth looking for a more affectionate and loving relationship because I think it will be hard to find all that I have already have AND more. As I said everything else is going well......except: I think that we have different expectations and needs in the relationship. -I communicate often and am very open and honest but he doesn't say much at all, I only ever get a few words "ok" "good" "yep". When ever I ask what do you think about this he always says "i dunno", "did it upset you when I __?..I dunno" so he rarely expresses emotion or cant articulate anything to me which is foreign to me. Even general chit chat is pretty dead....sometimes he will engage in a convo about something I'm talking about. Because of this I see him as pretty boring but I am also a bit boring. - He is in no way affectionate. He doesn't enjoy when I kiss him, he doesn't enjoying hugging, he doesn't like me interrupting what his doing -Doing things for other people is a chore so I see him as quite selfish and somewhat uncaring. I worry because I want a partner to depend upon when I am sick or going through a bad time that they can help me. -I get very frustrated/upset by the way he treats the dog but I think baby animals way to much I have talked to him about all the issues I have stated but probably not in that much detail because now I am better at identifying what the issues are. He listens but nothing really changes.....I don't think it will because that is just him. SO I am left wondering if this relationship is going to work or not. I am starting to wonder if there isn't any affection in the relationship then it is more of a friendship than anything else?? But there are so many more issue a relationship could have. We treat each other nicely, respect each other and have 100% trust which is a lot more than a lot of posts I have read on this forum. The relationship isn't in my opinion dysfunctional it just isn't meeting my needs. Do I have that many needs that if I left I would still never find anyone that satisfied me?? because men (not all) are generally less affectionate, communicate less etc but I think this is maybe too little? I'm just worried I'm going to sacrifice all the good things we have together. This relationship is safe, its secure and its peaceful and mostly enjoyable, my partner doesn't ask too much from me, it is drama free. I love my bf and he says he loves me (feel a lack of showing, sometimes wonder if he just thinks he does), I care about him but I feel I am taken for granted and he doesn't invest enough in me and from what I have read for a life long relationship to work both people need to be putting in a lot of effort and need to make sure the other person feels loved-----> that love is an ACTION, both members consciously decide everyday that they are going to act lovingly toward their partner. Is loosing all the good things is worth looking for a more affectionate and loving relationship because I think it will be hard to find all that I have already have AND more. What does everyone think I should do????? ALL comments welcome (but please communicate respectfully) :laugh:Really appreciate everyones feedback :laugh:
Philosoraptor Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 Don't base accepting less on stereotypes based on men. All that matters is that you are unsatisfied in this relationship. If you've talked to him about them and he's not made any effort for you, then you know what you are getting. Question is do you feel like you can be happy with this long term or will you eventually need more from your partner? I think you need to talk to him again and articulate the conversation with a little more detail. Maybe even write a letter describing what you need. Make sure you use "I feel" or "I need" versus "you never" so it doesn't come off like an attack. If after giving it your all in communication, he still doesn't make an effort for you, you will have a decision to make. Just based on you seeking this place out it's clear you are wanting a result soon so you can get on with your life. Personally I've walked away from many relationships because I wasn't getting everything I need. A long term partner is not something that should be settled on because you may not be able to find someone as good. 2
Els Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 The raptor has said all that needs saying. Have the strength to carve out the life you want for YOU, OP. That includes choosing a partner based on what you need and want, not what you feel you should settle for. Good luck.
salparadise Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 I agree with Philosoraptor on most points. I think most of the things you say you're dissatisfied with are personality characteristics, not merely behaviors that can be negotiated. It's always a mistake to marry someone thinking that you can make them change into the person you wish they would be. Relationships go through changes and you can't expect it to always feel like the honeymoon period, but if at 3 years in you're already feeling like it's not meeting fundamental needs it doesn't bode well for the 10-20-30 year anniversaries. Fear of not being able to do better is not a good reason to accept less than you need. 1
Syconort Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 My first question would be was there any affection in the beginning or has he always been aloof? If not, maybe he's grown bored of the relationship. If he was always like this, tells me he's only in a relationship to stop from being single and probably objectifies women. You're a possession of his, and if my toy started to demand more of ME I'd throw it in the bin. Don't be surprised if he gives up when you imply you're not happy. For me, relationships are about compromise on both sides, they're a joint effort. When the effort isn't worth it -- as in it doesn't result in happiness -- then it's time to move on.
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