tiredofthinkingofyou Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 I really need advice from you guys. This is my first time posting. My ex boyfriend broke up with me a little over 2 months ago. We were together for almost 2 1/2 years. The last 2 months of our relationship were very strained and he was definitely pulling away from me, and I saw all the signs and confronted him, but every time he would tell me it was just his job that was stressing him out and making him depressed, and then one night out of the blue, he came over and broke up with me in the middle of the night, two weeks before we were supposed to go away together. He claimed that he was miserable and couldn't handle a relationship anymore because of the stresses of his job (I won't say where he works here but it is an extremely stressful and emotionally tolling job with crazy hours) and that he felt we had nothing in common anymore and we wouldn't work out in the long run. He claimed he took so long to tell me because he was trying to work it out on his own without hurting me. I was absolutely shocked and devastated. I've been trying my hardest to distract myself and move on, but here's what I need advice on. Two weeks after the breakup, he texted me out of the blue to ask me how I'm doing. In shock, and not wanting to show weakness, I told him I was alright to which he then (twenty minutes later) replied that he was alright. And then we proceeded to make small talk, and then out of nowhere he disappeared in the middle of the conversation, and I haven't heard from him since. Ever since then, I've regretted not telling him how I really felt when I had the chance, because I feel like I let him get away with everything. Everyone seems to say that the dumper only contacts the dumpee like that to make themselves feel better, and that's exactly what I allowed to happen instead of telling him off. It's been driving me crazy ever since and I don't know how to get past it. Has anything similar ever happened to anyone else? Or does anyone have any words of wisdom? I have since blocked him on all social media because I couldn't stand the possibility of me seeing him with someone else and I'm trying to have no contact at all, and the other night my best friend told me he still has our picture up as his profile picture on Facebook. She then deleted him as well. His birthday was also this past week, I didn't say a word to him. I'm just so angry with myself =[
Philosoraptor Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 I'd agree that he contacted you in order to help absolve his own guilt. Nothing was to be gained by saying "I'm miserable". Just would encourage him to either give you false hope or just contact you later with the same question and would disappear once he felt a little less guilty. Just take your focus off of him, he's the past. Put your focus on you and what's going on in your world. Can't change the past so what's worrying about it going to do anyways? Just wasting your time when you could be enjoying a hobby, time with friends or family, or whatever you want to do to make yourself happy. 1
JDPT Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 It's evident at this point that your ex is utterly confused. He may be using his line of work as an excuse to want it or they might be an assortment of underlying issues that he is currently dealing with simultaneously. Additionally, it appears that you are looking for "closure" and perhaps get a few things out of your chest pertaining to his abrupt decision. What I've learned is that you cannot find closure or answers from the same person who inflicted all this pain in you. You need to come to terms with what occurred on your own and I think you have a fundamental concept as to what it is you need to do. As far as him texting you days later just shows his curiosity to see how you are dealing with this break up and perhaps rid of some guilt on his end. Commit to NC from this point forward. He made a conscious decision to "release" you and it's only right to internalize and accept his decision. My breakup was similar to yours. She made a premature and abrupt decision after 4 years to let me go. Yes it was difficult at the beginning but know that this pain and uncertainty will eventually subside. You will come out of this a new and improved you. It's time to start taking care of yourself and to contemplate the numerous possibilities as you are now a free agent. Once again, remain strong and commit to NC and in time you will be just fine. 1
cif Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 It was very selfish of him to "try and work on BOTH your prolems alone" instead of confronting you so perhaps you could work on them together. Be glad you didn't waste anymore years on this guy. The best way to heal and move one is to not contact him under any circumstances in the future. Imagine the message you would've sent him by ignoring his last text? 2
Author tiredofthinkingofyou Posted September 19, 2013 Author Posted September 19, 2013 It was very selfish of him to "try and work on BOTH your prolems alone" instead of confronting you so perhaps you could work on them together. Be glad you didn't waste anymore years on this guy. The best way to heal and move one is to not contact him under any circumstances in the future. Imagine the message you would've sent him by ignoring his last text? I know that's why I'm kicking myself a bit. About a month after that I received one of those game invites via text for some stupid word game app he was playing, and I downloaded it to see how you choose who you send the invite to, and I know he had to actually choose my name and phone number, so he knew what he was doing with that and I completely ignored it, and then his birthday was last week and I didn't say anything. So hopefully that conveyed at least a tiny message to him. But who knows.
cif Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 Good. Continue ignoring him, he's not worth agonizing over. 1
Author tiredofthinkingofyou Posted September 19, 2013 Author Posted September 19, 2013 I'd agree that he contacted you in order to help absolve his own guilt. Nothing was to be gained by saying "I'm miserable". Just would encourage him to either give you false hope or just contact you later with the same question and would disappear once he felt a little less guilty. Just take your focus off of him, he's the past. Put your focus on you and what's going on in your world. Can't change the past so what's worrying about it going to do anyways? Just wasting your time when you could be enjoying a hobby, time with friends or family, or whatever you want to do to make yourself happy. Thanks so much for your advice. I've been trying to distract myself as much as possible, but sometimes the thoughts just creep their way back in and I need to just talk about it and get different perspectives. I know it doesn't do any good to dwell on it, but it's just difficult =[
Author tiredofthinkingofyou Posted September 19, 2013 Author Posted September 19, 2013 It's evident at this point that your ex is utterly confused. He may be using his line of work as an excuse to want it or they might be an assortment of underlying issues that he is currently dealing with simultaneously. Additionally, it appears that you are looking for "closure" and perhaps get a few things out of your chest pertaining to his abrupt decision. What I've learned is that you cannot find closure or answers from the same person who inflicted all this pain in you. You need to come to terms with what occurred on your own and I think you have a fundamental concept as to what it is you need to do. As far as him texting you days later just shows his curiosity to see how you are dealing with this break up and perhaps rid of some guilt on his end. Commit to NC from this point forward. He made a conscious decision to "release" you and it's only right to internalize and accept his decision. My breakup was similar to yours. She made a premature and abrupt decision after 4 years to let me go. Yes it was difficult at the beginning but know that this pain and uncertainty will eventually subside. You will come out of this a new and improved you. It's time to start taking care of yourself and to contemplate the numerous possibilities as you are now a free agent. Once again, remain strong and commit to NC and in time you will be just fine. Thanks so much for your advice. I'm sorry something similar happened to you as well. It's a really crappy thing to have to go through. I've been good with the no contact but it's really hard not to wonder "what if" sometimes. I just can't wait until I start feeling better.
JDPT Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 Thanks so much for your advice. I'm sorry something similar happened to you as well. It's a really crappy thing to have to go through. I've been good with the no contact but it's really hard not to wonder "what if" sometimes. I just can't wait until I start feeling better. That's a very common emotion (what if). Learn to understand it and release it as it does absolutely no good to dwell on hypotheticals. I spent a substantial amount of time wondering as well, "what just happened? why did she dump me?" I felt worthless when in reality it takes two to make a relationship wonderful or destroy it and I clearly couldn't do this alone. I commend you for committing to NC as it is crucial for you to internalize this concept and implement it vigorously for your sake. Subconsciously, you understand that you were in a troubled relationship where you tried and tried, propelling this relationship yet it went nowhere fast. It's time to move forward with your life. Learn from this experience and internalize it. All challenges in life are opportunities for growth which we should be grateful for. 1
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