Is it possible to spend too much time together, could this kill our relationship?????

[AreWeNormal??]

Hi I've visited here awhile and decided to post tonight for the first time. I have a question, something that has been on my mind quite a bit lately.

 

I have been with my boyfriend over a year and we are together on a daily basis. We are affectionate people and I crave his attention constantly, he usually volunteers his "I love you's" at least 10 times a day but I still seem to ask him when he doesn't say it I ask him "do you love me" or if I tell him I love him and he says "umm hmm" or something to acknowledge it but if he doesn't say it back I feel bad and ask him to tell me.

 

I always want him to be touching me in some way even if it's just to put his arm around me or hold me hand. Clearly he never complains and usually does this naturally without me having to ask him to. I mean he never deprives me of his attention or affection but somehow I always feel I need more and more of him. I'm wierd I guess and to be totally honest I figured it would cool off since we have been together so long but it only gets more intense.

 

We've never cheated on each other we are together constantly. We don't fight and have never split up, he comes over and calls me everyday. He doesn't go out with friends because he says he'd rather be with me. I mean he talks to his friends when they call or stop by but he doesn't seek them out, I don't hang out with my friends either, I keep active friendships but I don't have the desire to go out with them.

 

 

I guess what I'm seeking from this forum is advice on is this healthy, are we too involved with each other even though neither one of us want to cool off? If we continue like this are we destined to fail or are we the normal couple in love? I'd like to hear your opinions to give me some insight on my situation.

[Jilly10340]

Well, I see nothing wrong with this. As long as the both of you are happy together more power to you. All you need is a wedding ring and you're all set!

[NatoPMT]

Hi AreWeNormal

 

Its not healthy to focus so much on your relationship in that you should maintain a life balance to help you grow as a person. You may not be having problems now, but I believe that any issues that start to develop will grow at an accelerated rate without you even realising there are issues present – things get distorted in an unnatural environment so you don’t even realise there are problems until its too late to fix. Spending time with friends can act as a buffer and a ‘control’ to make your relationship happier and balanced. It seems that you do have some issues already..

 

I still seem to ask him when he doesn't say it I ask him "do you love me" or if I tell him I love him and he says "umm hmm" or something to acknowledge it but if he doesn't say it back I feel bad and ask him to tell me.

 

Do you think he’s fallen out of love with you since he last told you 2 hours ago? In this instance, maybe you are thinking if you lost him you wouldn’t have anything? That puts undue pressure on your relationship, makes it have an edge to it that will put an enormous amount of responsibility on both of you to keep the other one close happy

 

If you want to spend all this time together, why don’t you see friends with each other as well? Your friends will feel neglected, invite them over for dinner so they can get to know him too. Meet them for lunch, or shopping after work before you meet him, you don’t have to compromise too much and you will get the best of both worlds. One day your friends might need you, and you might need them.

 

BB

[AreWeNormal?]

We do see friends when we're together. My friends call and come by to see me or we go shopping or to lunch together. When I say out I mean to the bar on the weekends like they always want me to. He sees his friends at his home also. When he is at home they come over and see him and hang out together. We don't hang out with our friends together because our time is just our time together and we don't want to share that with other people.

 

 

I know if I lost him I would be losing the absolute best love of my life and that would be so hard to take. I know he is not the only thing in life I have but I just love to hear how much he loves me. I am insecure even though he tells me daily I am the most beautiful girl he has ever met and dated. I know deep down that he loves me very much but I guess knowing it isn't reassuring enough so I feel the need to have to hear it often.

 

I probably sound pathetic and silly. He has never complained to me and we are really open in discussing everything so I think he would tell me if it bothered him.

 

 

You mentioned problems occuring without realizing it. I can't understand that part, what problems could be there when we talk about how we feel, we are together daily and if he or I are unhappy with something we let the other one know. We are compatiable sexually and agree on everything we want in life. Well we both want similar things. I just didn't understand what you meant here.

[Barby]

I too as Jilly said, think that if you two are happy then you shouldn't worry too much about it. If he starts getting distant or something then I might back off a bit but to me it sounds like two normal people in love...........If you want to spend all your time together and so does he (honestly) then I don't see why you're worried about it being a problem.

[NiCoLe20]

me n my b/f spend a lot of time together too... we hang out everday after work till around 10pm and do the same thing next day.... we havent fought yet either but had little arguements which were squashed in 5 minutes... i want to give him space tho b/c that saying is true... ''absense makes the heart grow stronger'' hes like my best friend so thats why im always around and vice versa

[teck21]

Sounds just like my GF and me. We are together just about every every spare second and are affectionate every second of it too.

 

We have never argued before, although we've had our moments of bein miffed at each other, and for us as well, pretty much nothng lasts more than five minutes because we talk alot.

 

We try to give each other space because it seems the 'normal' thing to do, but we almost always find that we end up 'returning' it because we enjoy being with each other too much. And also because outside of family, neither of us have a wide circle of friends, so this state of affairs suits us very well.

 

I can see very well why some people think it's risky and unhealthy for couples to be too 'needy' of each other, but my GF and I are 'investing' everyting in each other because we both feel the other person is worth it and we wouldn't want to love any other way, if that makes any sense.

 

BTW, she and I have been together for nine months and 3 days now.

[NatoPMT]

Hi AreWe

 

We do see friends when we're together. My friends call and come by to see me or we go shopping or to lunch together

 

That puts things in context a bit more, i thought from your original post that you were exclusive in spending time with your bf and you werent seeing your friends at all

 

We don't hang out with our friends together because our time is just our time together and we don't want to share that with other people

 

I dont know how long that would be sustainable for, you are unlikely to want this forever so one of you may want to be more sociable before the other which may cause some adjustment insecurity from the other partner, be aware that when you are in the first 18 months or so, when its biochemical crazy with love hormones, this is more natural. But when you start to settle into more lasting love and the 'falling in love hormones' wear off, you or he may want to start balancing your life a bit more in favour of family/friends/career than 100% time alone. Its not anything to take the defensive over, its just a natural relationship progression which means you are moving to the next stage.

 

I know if I lost him I would be losing the absolute best love of my life and that would be so hard to take

 

i think everyone feels like this at some stage, but it needs to be kept in perspective. he loves you and adores which is fantastic, and its fine to feel the need to have to hear it often. but you said in your first post you feel bad if you dont hear it. So you ask him and he says 'ummm'. This is your hang up to get over, so dont put it on him by asking him to say things when you want him too. Its true a small amount of insecurity will make him feel wanted, so you know if it goes past that point and gets to the stage where in the future it may be a hindrance to you both. How about - Asking him to say 'i love you' half the times you do now, the other half, deal with it yourself and dont ask him to take away problems that you should deal with yourself.

 

You mentioned problems occuring without realizing it. I can't understand that part, what problems could be there when we talk about how we feel, we are together daily and if he or I are unhappy with something we let the other one know

 

i was talking from my own personal experience here, obv this is my experience which doesnt have to be yours - plus i thought you werent seeing anyone else at all. When i have had full on, dont want to see anyone else spend all our time together relationships, plus i have been slightly insecure as you may be, i have lost a grip on reality slightly, the non-norm becomes the norm so you dont realise its non-norm till you get back to normal, and thats why you dont see problems coming - they are borne out of not recognising that normaility isnt there anymore. Dont just dismiss this though, do be aware that if you dont maintain a balance, its a possibility it could happen to you.

 

Why did you ask ....

 

'I guess what I'm seeking from this forum is advice on is this healthy, are we too involved with each other even though neither one of us want to cool off? '

 

in the first place? what prompted you asking the question?

 

BB

[tokyo]

I think BigBelm gave very good advice.

[NatoPMT]

i concentrated very hard there kooky, my head hurts now.

[blind_otter]

I agree with BigBelm.

 

Psychologically speaking, restricting the majority of your socializing to one individual is unhealthy. Many people suffer this problem and think nothing of it - they progressively isolate themselves, socially speaking, and become more and more focused on their relationship.

 

The key to having a satisfying, healthy relationship is to develop interests outside your interaction with your partner - the more interesting your life is, the more you can enrich each others lives and the more you bring to the table. My opinion, though, take it with a grain of salt.

 

I like to do yoga and bellydancing and I love to sew, so I go to fabric stores a lot - my independent interests. I had one boyfriend that didn't even like to go to walmart by himself. I was constantly telling him to buy his own life!

[tokyo]

Originally posted by BigBelm

i concentrated very hard there kooky, my head hurts now.

 

I hope you are just kidding

 

I was just once very very much in love and it scared the **** out of me. I felt so happy, but I knew it wasn´t really healthy. Actually I don´t like being in love when I´m not, I don´t feel like I´m myself somehow, I´m out of control.

[Pocky]

My husband is my best-friend. We do everything together. We go every where together. We are constantly touching. We tell each other I love you about a hundred times a day. We rarely do anything without each other. I think in the last five years I've spent a total of five days without being near him. Some people may say this is unhealthy, but we've never felt stifled by our time together. It has never caused a problem and we've never experienced a time when we just had to get away. Some people need their own space away from their SO, but some people don't. If the two of you are happy then I don't think you should worry about whether or not you're normal. If you consider something normal simply on the amount of people participating in a type of behavior then you should either be divorced, cheating, addicted to porn or miserable.

[NatoPMT]

its works for some Pocky, but not most. You sound like you have a wonderful relationship. It CAN work, but what worried me was that AreWe asked the question in the first place which showed there may be some under-rumbling of recognition that it may be restrictive for her or him in the future

 

It can work, but i think both partners have to be without 'issues' and have finished growing mentally before they enter into this unusual state - we are sociable animals after all, and we dont get all our needs from our S.O. We have emotional needs that in most situations have to be met be a variety of different people and balance companionship with other friendships.

 

This state is usually prompted by the first stages of falling in love and isnt usually sustainable, when you come out of this state is when the problems can really kick in

 

just MHO