NordicStripes Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 Hi everyone, just wanted to present you with a dilemma I'm having. My boyfriend of five years (we've been living together all that time, but broke up after three years for about two months, in which he slept with his co-worker.. great huh) always sleeps over at his friend's house when he goes out. It makes me feel very uneasy, especially since he did dump me two years ago to start sleeping with his co-worker. After that he begged me to take him back, and I have, and he has done a lot to prove himself to me. But that's another story. Fact is, I feel like he should be able to come home and sleep in his own bed, with me, when he's been out. Is this too much to ask? He says he doesn't sleep at home because he goes out to basically get drunk and he doesn't want to drive drunk. I get that, but hey, would it really hurt him to NOT get drunk sometimes? He's 25, almost 26. Not an 18 year old frat-boy anymore. To make matters worse, I have also found out this week that he's been looking at porn on his mobile phone, something that really hurt me, especially since he already gave me the feeling I'm not good enough for him because he started sleeping with his co-worker. I guess I always feel like I'm the option he'd choose last when presented with options like: watch porn or sleeping with me, getting drunk and staying at friend's house (who co-incidentally live together with his girlfriend, must be REAL fun for the girl!) or coming home to sleep in our bed... He claims I'm abnormal for wanting these things. I told him I don't see out relationship getting past the point we are at now if his behaviour stays like this (he wants children, but hell, I'm not having children to stay alone at home because he's sleeping over at friend's houses)... Please tell me that what I want isn't that abnormal?
darkmoon Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 (edited) you want children without marriage, so you are playing into the hands of somebody only partially-committed as things are, not just a piece of paper, marriage is commitment not sharing a flat and a screw which is what you have instead, I hope your name is on your home's lease, seen that lack of commitment, more low-level than ever, before now, I would move on, cuz porn puts the tin lid on it Edited September 19, 2013 by darkmoon
Author NordicStripes Posted September 19, 2013 Author Posted September 19, 2013 Thank you for your reply, but it is me who doesn't want to get married. Not because I don't want to make a commitment, but because I don't believe marriage would be a worthwhile addition to this relationship. I believe that marriage, is the same as a committed relationship, you just get a big party...
Grumpybutfun Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 NordicStripes: Basically what I am reading is that you want to have a marriage without getting married. You want him to settle down and have children with you and stop looking at porn without any form of commitment other than living together in a committed (?) relationship in which you have already left due to cheating once and you are threatening to leave again over porn. You want him to stop hanging out with his friends and going out and doing what single guys do which is get sloppy drunk (grateful to him for not driving drunk.) He is acting just like a single man. Honestly, a committed relationship is a fine thing between two people if they are truly on the same page and it is a joint decisions. However, from his behavior, he thinks you are just dating and living together, and his idea of a committed relationship differs from yours greatly. I just wonder if you already have one foot out the door? His idea of a committed relationship is not what yours is and marriage may not make a difference to him regarding that anyway if he has already cheated on you. As far as referring to marriage as a means to a big party...you see, for those of us who are married or have long term committed relationships (over 10, 15, 20, 25 years) we know the difference between the wedding and the marriage. The commitment came long before the wedding did. It isn't because of that piece of paper or that big party that we commit before others and join our households, finances, and names. It is because when you stand up before each other's family and friends and vow fidelity, commitment and loyalty to each other, you have a lot of expectations concerning your behaviors towards them. As for a wedding, I don't really consider that just a big party but an act of respect for my spouse which says that I join our two lives completely and I promise her family to stay loyal to her, provide a safe home for her and to take care of her and our children. The wedding isn't the event anyway, the marriage is. The last bit is just for your information because you seem to have the reality tv version of marriage dancing in your head. That is sad for me because you are with a man who still has drunken sleepovers and cheated on you even though you know deep down that this ship is sunk. "I don't believe marriage to be a worthwhile addition to this relationship," are your words and they say that more than the party or the piece of paper hold me back from something more permanent, this relationship isn't going to last anyway. And, you are from my objective viewpoint, probably right about that one. Luck, Grumps
Els Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 Frankly, I don't think marriage is the issue here either. If someone can cheat on you while in a committed relationship, marriage sure as hell isn't going to guarantee that he isn't going to do it again. I'm in a live-in, unmarried R, too, and IMO your bf's behaviour is absolutely inexcusable. Staying over at his friend's house consistently is something that frat boys who are casually dating do, not something that a live-in partner does. Commitment isn't a black and white option, where any sort of behaviour is acceptable as long as you're not married. And IMO, your bf's behaviour is not appropriate for any sort of relationship other than FWB. You're completely normal for wanting what you want, trust me. Do NOT marry this man - it isn't going to change his behaviour or personality. I think you know what you need to do, OP. Good luck. 2
Els Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 ou want him to settle down and have children with you The OP's bf is the one who wants to have children, not her. She specifically says that she chose not to because she thinks that he'd make a poor dad with his behaviour. A very wise decision on her part, IMO. She just needs to make the next wise decision...
winterpast Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 (edited) I've been with my Husband for 10 years, married almost 6. We met in college, he also was in a Fraternity. The reason he even got a chance with me is because he was the only guy that treated me with so much respect and as a lady. He took me out to an actual date and wore a tie! He did all of this at 20 years old. In our dating years and in the very beginning of our marriage we went out to parties together. Even when he went out with his best friend alone (very rare) he came back home. If he drank then he called a taxi or me to get home. If your boyfriend is still in party mode, especially wanting to stay out all night, then he is now where near ready for marriage. At this point it doesn't sound like he's even boyfriend material. He may think your concerns are not normal because that is probably what his friends are telling him. He's not going to change anytime soon (if ever). You may what to really think about if you can accept him the way he is or move on. I would avoid marriage and take every precaution to not have children with him. Marriage does not change people! It will not make people committed, they have to be committed before. Marriage and kids will only complicate your situation and made it harder to leave when you finally can't do it anymore. Wanted to add: You are handling this they way you should with all of your concerns. For some reason, he's not listening. You might need to show him how serious you are. See if he will do couples counseling. Edited September 19, 2013 by winterpast
Sparty97 Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 This guy is being accused of cheating by nearly every poster, but in my reading of the OP he broke up with her and THEN started sleeping with his coworker. 1
Jim305 Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 What you want is not abnormal - but you're not going to get it with this guy. If I were you, I'd wonder where he really is when he doesn't come home. He doesn't sound trustworthy. Why would you marry a man who routinely says: "I couldn't come home last night because I wanted to get drunk." Forget him and move on.
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