AnyaNova Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 (I originally posted this in a "post to here instead of your ex," but it didn't seem to fit, since most people apparently were just posting about their desire to text or message, and not what they actually would have). If any of you see anything in it, make any connections that could help me get over him sooner, or have any thoughts, please share. I know it is long, but I tend to have long and somewhat difficult to articulate thoughts that are woven combinations of words, images, and sensations). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So I now understand why I so badly wanted to save and protect you from everything, why your intense displays of emotional need for me on the night you sent me away triggered such a strong desire to comfort and take care of you. Womens' brains. They light up the same way whether they are thinking of their significant others or their boyfriends. In an odd way. Their brains can't really tell the difference. Their boyfriend is their baby, even if they don't have one yet. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure, given some things that I won't post here, that you are probably suffering the vasopressin effect without me. Meaning, I probably became your "home." Without me, even though you sent me away, you probably still feel to some degree (unless of course, you have already established this with another woman, but given your introversion and your shyness, I tend to doubt it), "emotionally homeless." You probably crave me still. But that is no matter. I am choosing to focus now on my happiness. I find the discussion in Card's Ender's Game series regarding Philotes (fictional, I think, unfortunately) a great symbol. I am choosing to wrench mine away from yours, untether it, and set it free to find someone else, if that be what happens, or to tether to some skill, hobby, or interest of mine, if someone else is not in the cards for me. Though I think, probably there is. That is why I am posting here. Hopefully just a few more times. Before I have successfully wrenched it away from you. I fear there will be no going back once this is done. And I know that until I can say that last sentence without expressing trepidation over the idea, that it will not actually have been completed. It needs to be. Soon. I took a bubble bath while reading Xenocide, by yeah, Orson Scott Card. It made me happy. So did buying and listening to some happy music on itunes. I mean, who couldn't be happy listening to songs like, "Don't Worry, Be Happy." or (okay, I am ashamed to admit this one, but the beat is fun and it makes me smile) "La Vida Loca." Miss you. I wish I didn't. I wish I could say your full name and feel neither joy or pain. Have it be just a series of syllables. I am sure at some point even later in the process, I will be able again to think of your name fondly. but first, I need to re-establish it as neutral. Nil. The null hypothesis of whether or not I still have feelings for you must be proven.
Oldcatskinner Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 AnyaNova, The last part of your post strikes with me. The part about saying their name and no special feelings with it. I didn't think that I would be able to do that myself (you can read about it in my last post if you want). I don't know what else to tell you, except to keep living and doing for yourself what you know deep down you need to do. What helped me was the realization that even though I felt as if my world was falling apart and would cease to exist, I still had obligations to be met in the next and subsequent days. Don't be afraid to use any vanity to help you through as in: My name is blank blank blank, and I make a great contribution to this world. I need to heal and get right again so I can go make a better contribution. And then go from there.
Author AnyaNova Posted September 19, 2013 Author Posted September 19, 2013 Yes, having classes for my grad program start up again has been helpful. Getting sick and stuck at home on doctor's orders? Not so much. But I am working on it. :-) Saying his name with no emotion. I cannot do that right now. That is where I hope to be, like being able to say that there is no returning from "untethering the philote" or separating myself emotionally from him causes me no trepidation. It will take time.
Author AnyaNova Posted September 19, 2013 Author Posted September 19, 2013 Can't seem to find a way to edit the message, but it should read that women's brains lights up the same way for their babies or their boyfriends.
thishatteredsymphony Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 I know I feel the same way. Saying my ex's name only brings me hurt and discomfort. I wait for the day when it gives me no feelings at all. This was a strong and well written letter. I could tell just how much you loved this man. As you've done for me, I too wish you well on your journey.
JoelBarish Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 I wish my ex would written something so well thought to me. Instead most of what I got were one word text messages. You have a good heart
Author AnyaNova Posted September 19, 2013 Author Posted September 19, 2013 I know I feel the same way. Saying my ex's name only brings me hurt and discomfort. I wait for the day when it gives me no feelings at all. This was a strong and well written letter. I could tell just how much you loved this man. As you've done for me, I too wish you well on your journey. Thank you. I did love him, and now am trying to relegate that love to the past. It is difficult.
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