Should separate the new love from the old?

[fujidabruin]

I have started a wonderful relationship (3 weeks) with a great girl who has the whole package for me. We are very open about our past and who we are. We are compatible in so many ways and the chemistry is off the charts! We are trying to stay very present with perspective, although we are already very much in love and realize that it is inevitable that this is a committed LTR.

 

I came out of a loving relationship 4 months ago and was compelled to go full NC for about 6 weeks with a strange sense of urgency. I had never intentionally done NC before and would usually try to be a friend and stayed close. This last time I chose to turn down the friendship offer. Told her I needed to move on quickly as I felt there was something out there for me and it felt like I had so much love inside me even after the break-up.

 

So now, I feel I am truly just great friends with my ex and only wish the best for her. I am sure she feels the same. Things seem to be as it should and have turned out better than I could have hoped. In fact, my new GF seemed enthusiastic about meeting my ex at a fundraiser we all attended about a week ago.

 

So here is the thing... I have never gone from one very loving relationship to another in such a relatively short time. I have some appreciative memories about the ex, including the intimacy. I wonder if this is not appropriate given that I feel I am totally in love with another wonderful woman? Will this just fade as time passes and the bond in the new relationship grows? Would love to have some feedback from others who have moved quickly from one love to another. BTW... I have always been a monogamous guy.

[Philosoraptor]

Might be time to pump the brakes a little as you may be putting feelings from the past onto this new person. You went from "loving", to NC, to just great friends with appreciative memories of the ex including intimacy.

 

I can't tell you how you feel or what's going on in your head... but since you're here asking the question you obviously see something wrong with what's going on.

 

Picture this in your head: Your ex whispers "I love you" into her new mans ear after having passionate intimacy like the two of you used to have. He's the best she's ever had and she loves him more than she's ever loved anyone.

 

If you can get through that without feeling any tugs on your heart strings, then things may be ok. If not, that combined with you feeling the need to ask this question says you may be rationalizing a rebound.

[fujidabruin]

Might be time to pump the brakes a little as you may be putting feelings from the past onto this new person. You went from "loving", to NC, to just great friends with appreciative memories of the ex including intimacy.

 

I can't tell you how you feel or what's going on in your head... but since you're here asking the question you obviously see something wrong with what's going on.

 

Picture this in your head: Your ex whispers "I love you" into her new mans ear after having passionate intimacy like the two of you used to have. He's the best she's ever had and she loves him more than she's ever loved anyone.

 

If you can get through that without feeling any tugs on your heart strings, then things may be ok. If not, that combined with you feeling the need to ask this question says you may be rationalizing a rebound.

 

Thank you Philosoraptor,

Used the test as you suggested and I think I am a truly her friend now. Would be simply happy for her to find love again. So grateful for you and the way other people here on LS can empower each other...

[writergal]

I have started a wonderful relationship (3 weeks) with a great girl who has the whole package for me. We are very open about our past and who we are. We are compatible in so many ways and the chemistry is off the charts! We are trying to stay very present with perspective, although we are already very much in love and realize that it is inevitable that this is a committed LTR.

 

I came out of a loving relationship 4 months ago and was compelled to go full NC for about 6 weeks with a strange sense of urgency. I had never intentionally done NC before and would usually try to be a friend and stayed close. This last time I chose to turn down the friendship offer. Told her I needed to move on quickly as I felt there was something out there for me and it felt like I had so much love inside me even after the break-up.

 

So now, I feel I am truly just great friends with my ex and only wish the best for her. I am sure she feels the same. Things seem to be as it should and have turned out better than I could have hoped. In fact, my new GF seemed enthusiastic about meeting my ex at a fundraiser we all attended about a week ago.

 

So here is the thing... I have never gone from one very loving relationship to another in such a relatively short time. I have some appreciative memories about the ex, including the intimacy. I wonder if this is not appropriate given that I feel I am totally in love with another wonderful woman? Will this just fade as time passes and the bond in the new relationship grows? Would love to have some feedback from others who have moved quickly from one love to another. BTW... I have always been a monogamous guy.

 

Speaking from the woman's POV, I've been the new g/f before with a guy who was barely divorced from his ex-wife when he met me through OLD and it didn't end well, at all. He basically transferred and then infused all of his neediness, insecurity and hang-ups that he had about being recently divorced into our brief relationship. At 3 weeks he gave me a key to his place and proposed marriage, by 3 months I had trust issues with him and he used that as an excuse to break up with me. The reality was that he had used me as a rebound relationship and that's what I think you're most likely doing with your new girlfriend; using her as a rebound, no matter how well you think you've dealt with your recent breakup.

 

I really think that you need to slow down and take a step back about your intentions with your new girlfriend.

 

She may be ready for a long-term relationship and think you're emotionally available and ready too. But if you have any doubt, even a little, that you're emotionally ready for another lasting relationship so soon, then you owe it to your new girlfriend to set the boundaries right now with her.

 

Remember, she is not your rescuer, so don't put her in that role by dishing on the dirty details of your most recent breakup. It's not fair to her and it makes you look insecure and needy.

 

Did you move so quickly onto the next girlfriend because you don't like to be alone? That is a pretty common coping mechanism used by people in long term relationships because they don't like to be alone. But it's not a healthy coping mechanism at all. It's fueled by feelings of panic and insecurity of having to be alone and process what just happened, and it's attached to self-worth and self-esteem too.

 

My rebound relationship with Mr Divorced happened a few years ago and we are not good friends nor kept in touch.

 

If rebounding isn't a bad habit in your relationship history and this is the first time it's happened, just know that rebounding while normal, isn't pleasant (ever) for the recipient (who is usually unaware of their role until it's too late and they get their heart broken).

 

I think rebound relationships happen, but are never a good idea because the reboundee (recipient) always gets his/her heart broken. Just think about what you want from your current girlfriend, and be direct with her about your expectations and your needs. Open and honest communication is what you need for this new relationship to be healthy and successful.

[giblesp]

It's nice to have good memories.

But the past is the past and you can't put your arms around a memory.

 

You can put your arms around your girl though, she's the one in the here and now.

[CherryT]

I know you said that your new GF is OK with meeting your ex. But I think you also need to be considerate and keep boundaries. You recently broke up and I think if you truly have strong feelings for the woman you are currently seeing, it's best to put your energy and attention into building that relationship. Eventually, she could feel like you have your ex in your back pocket. It's a bit too close for comfort.

[fujidabruin]

Speaking from the woman's POV, I've been the new g/f before with a guy who was barely divorced from his ex-wife when he met me through OLD and it didn't end well, at all. He basically transferred and then infused all of his neediness, insecurity and hang-ups that he had about being recently divorced into our brief relationship. At 3 weeks he gave me a key to his place and proposed marriage, by 3 months I had trust issues with him and he used that as an excuse to break up with me. The reality was that he had used me as a rebound relationship and that's what I think you're most likely doing with your new girlfriend; using her as a rebound, no matter how well you think you've dealt with your recent breakup.

 

I really think that you need to slow down and take a step back about your intentions with your new girlfriend.

 

She may be ready for a long-term relationship and think you're emotionally available and ready too. But if you have any doubt, even a little, that you're emotionally ready for another lasting relationship so soon, then you owe it to your new girlfriend to set the boundaries right now with her.

 

Remember, she is not your rescuer, so don't put her in that role by dishing on the dirty details of your most recent breakup. It's not fair to her and it makes you look insecure and needy.

 

Did you move so quickly onto the next girlfriend because you don't like to be alone? That is a pretty common coping mechanism used by people in long term relationships because they don't like to be alone. But it's not a healthy coping mechanism at all. It's fueled by feelings of panic and insecurity of having to be alone and process what just happened, and it's attached to self-worth and self-esteem too.

 

My rebound relationship with Mr Divorced happened a few years ago and we are not good friends nor kept in touch.

 

If rebounding isn't a bad habit in your relationship history and this is the first time it's happened, just know that rebounding while normal, isn't pleasant (ever) for the recipient (who is usually unaware of their role until it's too late and they get their heart broken).

 

I think rebound relationships happen, but are never a good idea because the reboundee (recipient) always gets his/her heart broken. Just think about what you want from your current girlfriend, and be direct with her about your expectations and your needs. Open and honest communication is what you need for this new relationship to be healthy and successful.

If rebounding isn't a bad habit in your relationship history and this is the first time it's happened, just know that rebounding while normal, isn't pleasant (ever) for the recipient (who is usually unaware of their role until it's too late and they get their heart broken).

 

I think rebound relationships happen, but are never a good idea because the reboundee (recipient) always gets his/her heart broken. Just think about what you want from your current girlfriend, and be direct with her about your expectations and your needs. Open and honest communication is what you need for this new relationship to be healthy and successful.

 

Thank you Writergal,

It is very important for me to be respectful and considerate to all involved.

I have been involved on both sides of the rebound effect as many of us know it can be difficult and awkward either way...

 

The communication with my new love has been amazing and we have worked through so many possible issues already. Really feel like the rebound thing is not an issue as we have both been through it previously and discussed the subject currently.

 

It is great that you could enforce the "devils advocate" role for me. It has helped me get the perspective I wanted to see that I am free to be totally present with my new love...

[AHaze]

If I got with a girl who still thought fondly about her ex... openly talks about him... stays in contact with him or whatever, I'd tell her to go and beg him back, because it's over for us.

 

 

"Very open about our past relationships, meeting up with ex's blablabla"... Are you crazy?

 

HAHA, it's laughable, hilarious in fact, so plastic and naive.

 

Well, good luck with your rebound anyway, you're gonna need it.

[Joaquin]

I have started a wonderful relationship (3 weeks) with a great girl who has the whole package for me. We are very open about our past and who we are. We are compatible in so many ways and the chemistry is off the charts! We are trying to stay very present with perspective, although we are already very much in love and realize that it is inevitable that this is a committed LTR.

 

I came out of a loving relationship 4 months ago and was compelled to go full NC for about 6 weeks with a strange sense of urgency. I had never intentionally done NC before and would usually try to be a friend and stayed close. This last time I chose to turn down the friendship offer. Told her I needed to move on quickly as I felt there was something out there for me and it felt like I had so much love inside me even after the break-up.

 

So now, I feel I am truly just great friends with my ex and only wish the best for her. I am sure she feels the same. Things seem to be as it should and have turned out better than I could have hoped. In fact, my new GF seemed enthusiastic about meeting my ex at a fundraiser we all attended about a week ago.

 

So here is the thing... I have never gone from one very loving relationship to another in such a relatively short time. I have some appreciative memories about the ex, including the intimacy. I wonder if this is not appropriate given that I feel I am totally in love with another wonderful woman? Will this just fade as time passes and the bond in the new relationship grows? Would love to have some feedback from others who have moved quickly from one love to another. BTW... I have always been a monogamous guy.

 

It's been 3 weeks bro. 3 weeks and your taking LTR and love, and in the same breath banging on and on about your ex. Title says it all. You haven't separated old from new.

 

If I were her, I'd think you were a bit messed up at the moment and steer a very careful path.

[crederer]

I think being friends from a distance with your ex might be okay but not meeting and...introducing new girl to ex....at this stage? Are you mad, man?

[fujidabruin]

I think being friends from a distance with your ex might be okay but not meeting and...introducing new girl to ex....at this stage? Are you mad, man?

 

LOL I know it seemed real early in a relationship to be putting her in such a vulnerable position but i trusted that she would say that it would be uncomfortable for her to meet the ex. She knew for over a week prior that they would meet and I was clear that she could decline at anytime and I would totally understand. She told me after the the event that she had a few reasons for wanting to meet the ex. She later said she was glad she did meet her and thought she was a nice person.

 

Thanks Crederer for your input. From a practical viewpoint it does seem like it was a crazy situation... I actually thought at the moment they met that I could have made a bad mistake. However, my new girl is one incredible lady and so graceful in social situations and I ended up feeling very happy and grateful for what I have found. So, at the risk of facing insecurities, I feel the event created a new level of trust.

[fujidabruin]

You seem too focused on your ex. No way you are over her. I feel bad for your current girl. You may not realize it now, as it is common with people who are rebounding and think they are not, but you are just transferring feelings from your old relationship to your new one...it is not the new girl you are seeing that is causing those feelings. Just my .02

 

Hey ke.i.ra, thank you for your input as well. I value your 2 cents worth.

 

I believe you are right, that it is easy to transfer rather than create love anew. So I am here to explore the possibility and not be in denial. I feel that I have better understanding now than 10 years ago when I did live in denial about having closure on a previous love.

 

This does seem to me like an uncommon thing to move from one loving relationship to another in 4 months. That is the reason I hoped to find others who have had a similar experience.