"GIGS" or Screwed?

[Mittens2317]

So, background out of the way... I've known her for eight years, got to know eachother online, she was in Scotland, I was in Manchester around late 05ish, grew to like eachother. She moved back to Manchester early 08, met (formally) for the first time on Valentine's Day and went on a date, she dumped me a few weeks later on my birthday. Yay. She just wanted to be mates. Few weeks after that she says she still likes me, then disappears out of my life for six weeks without warning. Yay. I'm heartbroken, depressed, and almost get kicked out of college for it, we stay in touch via text, MSN and eventually Facebook.

 

I get my **** together and put my all into my college work and building a brighter future for myself as I've always been an ambitious guy.

 

About a year n a half after the initial breakup, just as I'm about to get over her, she puts her cards on the table. She wants to be with me. In her defence, she'd gone through a pretty ****in horrid time the last few years and her head was all over the place. Anyway, she screwed me around for a few months and then we finally had our second first date. Things went well, and by December of that year (2009) we were engaged.

 

At this point I've forgotten all about my ambitions, as the thing I wanted (and still do want) most in life is her. I just go through the regular job thing and shower her with gifts, sweets, flowers, and pretty much anything she wants, racking up a stupid amount of debt along the way. I was young and dumb, but she was in a situation where she couldn't get a job (long story), so I wanted to get her everything that she'd never get the chance to have.

 

We have a happy relationship, although throughout it we were living in the living room of her mam's one bedroom flat on the couch and then eventually my mam's. Tag-teaming it with jobs was the thing at this point as she struggled through her depression (actually had to take time off on doctor's orders), and my life ambitions slowly started coming back to me, hitting me over the head as if to say "You left me for her!?!"

 

Problems started to surface.

 

I fell back in love with my work and wanted to leave behind the 9 to 5 life, she started to get overly-clingy, violent, and just wanted to spend all day in bed, we could barely afford anything, I saw the affect that having kids was having on my friends and family, changing their personalities completely, and I started to question my love for her.

 

Did I really want kids with her? No. Did I resent her? Yes. Was I the same person? Hell no, I went from an outgoing, funny, creative guy to a suit-wearing insurance telesales guy within the space of our two n a half year relationship (by that point) It all kinda stemmed from re-reading an essay I wrote for college, in which I basically predicted the life I was living and how it's the exact kinda life I didn't want. Gave me chills to say the least.

 

I had a bunch of other **** goin on in my life at the time too, nephew, parents separating with me caught in the middle, more financial woes, identity crisis, etc., etc., and me n the missus were arguing a lot more. And fighting. Although, she was physical in that sense, whereas I'd go the more mental/emotional route, constantly telling her to pack her bags or that I'd leave her. I started to feel less attracted to her (she'd put on a bit of weight, used to have a fit body, but had noticeably let herself go a little), so almost every day I tried to justify leaving her. But then there was our cat, her depression, suicidal thoughts (of hers, not mine), etc., etc. I felt sorry for her so didn't. I got myself through this phase and came out the other side, realising I was still attracted to her and did still love her.

 

Relief, right? Wrong.

 

I hadn't told her any of this. I've always tried to protect her from any hurt emotions or bad feelings or owt. As I said before, depression. Plus she had low self esteem. She knew something was wrong, so we'd have these huge emotional discussions on how I didn't want kids. It killed her coz I'd always told her the opposite and we had been trying up until that point (to no avail though), but she wanted to stay with me, so she essentially said "fine, I probably can't have them anyway" (despite how much she desperately wanted them) She still knew that wasn't it though as I'd been avoiding sex. The combination of her new weight gain and the mattress on our bed made it uncomfortable at times, and occasionally painful. Other times I'd just be too tired or I'd be going through an "I don't love her" phase, but either way, our once rampant sex life had dwindled down to once per her cycle (at the right time, obviously...) So, she was convinced that it was to do with me being less attracted to her. At the time she was kinda right, and I didn't want to devastate her by telling her that I didn't think I loved her anymore, so I let her believe that the attraction thing was the case. Yeah, way to up her self-esteem, eh?

 

Things went on, I became self-employed, she was very supportive, I felt like things were getting better, but she wanted too much of my time. Frustrating to say the least. I had projects to work on. Projects that would only bring in money upon completion, not before, during, or after, so I needed time to work on them. This was around Nov 2012. I essentially asked her to leave me alone and stop nagging me (we smoke roll-ups, I'm the roller, and she's a heavy smoker, so you can imagine how often she'd ask for a cig) Reluctantly, she gave me the space I asked for.

 

At this point, to me, the relationship was great. I essentially had everything I wanted. Except for money and a place of our own. That came next.

 

June 2013 life was great, I felt great in our relationship, we'd moved into our new home, got a new kitty as a friend for our existing cat (they've turned out to hate eachother btw), and her family dog. We struggled, yes, but at the start of July she began her new job, and I was offered a very promising contract. Week after week things seemed to be going great. Until a few weeks ago.

 

She started acting strange, wanted me to do an all-nighter as she slept alone in our bed (I do that sometimes anyway, but she's never liked it), and what was once an "open phone relationship" (ie we can look on/use eachother's phone without having to ask) flipped on it's head. This all started the day after she stayed over at her mate's house and let it slip that she "topped n tailed" with another guy. She didn't get why I was so upset and felt a little betrayed by it. What followed was too many signs of potential cheating. She wasn't telling me what was wrong with her, and she didn't want to spend any time with me whatsoever, so I deviously formulated a plan to get her phone from her to go through her texts. It was clear something was on there, and the situation was driving me mad.

 

Betrayal of trust, you say? Well, so was what I found... she was essentially conspiring with this "top n tail" guy to leave me. Despite all the evidence that was there (and more that came later btw), she denies ever being with him or wanting to be with him. Whatever. I'm not as concerned with that. What I was concerned with was when she told me she doesn't think she's in love with me anymore. She still loves me but not "in" love. She wanted a break. Wasn't practical at all as she's gone most of the day, so I still had to see to the pets, which meant constant communication. Anyway, she told me she'd probably stay with me. Then my chances became "50-50", that she didn't even love me at all but that she still cared for me. Then she got rid of me. The break wasn't a break at all, it was her enjoying life, blowing money on trips to Alton Towers, going to the pub, the pictures, etc. She maintains it was with a few of her mates, but I'm still suspicious of "top n tail" guy. They're apparently going through the same situation and they're helping eachother out. Plus he's been known to cheat. All seems too convenient, but whatever...

 

She got rid of me the day before our anniversary, tried kicking me out too, but I've got nowhere to go. So I'm here. Living with her. Heartbroken. It's difficult. Like I couldn't ever imagine. We'd been talking about our future three weeks back, what we were going to do with it, I was ready to re-propose at Christmas (didn't do it too well the first time round) and revisit the discussion of having kids. ****ing. Earth shattering. The thing is, she seems like a completely different person. She neglects the pets (she loves animals more than anything), and instead of watching her TV programmes or DVDs, she just sticks on music channels. She isn't herself at all, and it worries me.

 

Have I driven her to this? Is it that "Grass is Greener Syndrome" thing? Is she going through some early mid-life crisis? Or has she genuinely grown apart from me? I just don't understand how it's all come about so suddenly, and how my chances of being with her dwindled so rapidly during our week's break. Then again, as I said, it was just her enjoying life without me. Living the life that I always wanted for the two of us (she always just wanted to be a "stay at home" couple whereas I wanted to experience life) It's as if she's had a taste of the "going out" drug and she's instantly addicted while I'm living in my studio room looking after the animals and struggling to bring myself to work on my contract.

 

I kinda want to show her that link, but I think I've done enough of the pathetic "but I still love you" bollocks. I'd do anything for her and I want to fight for her, but on the other hand I think "maybe it's best to let her go coz we ended up back together last time round". She seems to have shunned that idea though. "We want different things from life" "I might be with someone by then, happy".

 

What the hell is going on and what should I do? I can't move on. I know that much. I know everyone says it, but I know myself very well, it'll take half a decade at least to do so. I've even been considering using that "Text Your Ex Back" thing (although I'm pretty sure that may be how we got back together in the first place tbh)

 

Does it sound to anyone like "GIGS" or am I screwed?

[Philosoraptor]

Screwed, but I'd call it liberated in this case.

 

You didn't communicate and fell more for the image of her you had in your head than you did for who she really was. By the time you got over these "I don't love you" phases this relationship was horribly fractured. You were miserable, she was miserable. She didn't want out of something she was terribly happy with, she wanted out of something that was making the both of you very unhappy.

 

In no way was she meeting your needs, and in no way were you meeting her needs. You wanted time and space, she wanted your attention. You decided to not want kids anymore, she still wanted them. You were not a compatible couple and both of you were lying to one another about what you needed out of a relationship, and rather than communicating it you were too clingy to one another to put your foot down and instead resentfully accepted whichever terms the other was dealing.

 

Yes, she feels free from the resentment and is starting to enjoy that freedom. You should be doing the same as you spent the bulk of the last years in an unhappy relationship. Right now you should work on moving out, healing up, enjoying work, and with time finding someone you are actually compatible with.