emva07 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Criticality. I think it turned into a problem when he cheated on her with the ex. At that point it became obvious it's more than a friendship. She has trusted him for 4 years and he's broken it the whole time. As far is it being unlikely. No it's not. Living in a delusional world where nobody cheats ( which he has) is just being naive. But it's cute. I don't care how green the grass looked , cheating is disrespectful and to be honest an excuse they are using to justify it. Once you let cheating slide with a lame excuse the respect goes out the door. And criticality. Your posts are just as objective as ours. So stop trying to throw us under a bus. A habit of 4 years doesn't just stop over night and as positive as she wants to be about it, she must stay realistic. . You , however, are flat out telling her he's not cheating as if you knew.
KatZee Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 (edited) Thanks for all the responses. As of right now, I finally put my foot down and told him no more, that I wasn't comfortable, and that I couldn't be in a relationship with him if I felt like she was a part of it. He said, "Okay, I'll never talk to her again." Didn't take him more than 10 seconds. As huge of a skeptic as I am, I really do think this is going to be the minority of cases that actually works out. I hope you're right, but unfortunately, I don't think you are. Gotta jump on the bandwagon with all these other girls who have gone through the exact same thing you are. And I'm going to have to agree with them. When I was with my ex, he had an ex that he was with for many years. He had broken up with her and he said that she was a big part of his life, and had been for many years and he wanted to be her "friend." He said that he wouldn't stop talking to her, and initially I was like... "you know what he's a good guy. he cares about her, and he's with me now, so what's the problem." Well the problem was that they continued having a relationship behind my back. It finally started spilling over into public life, and people were picking sides, and his ex was feeling that she was being "excluded." I told my bf at the time that I wasn't comfortable with him talking to her, I thought that their relationship was done so there was no point keeping a relationship--- especially since she was giving all indication she wanted him back. She wasn't trying to be a "friend" at all. So my bf swore up and down that he didn't talk to her, that he felt nothing for her, that it was done, that I was the one who had him and she was just bitter about that. Fast forward two years and it was finally brought to my attention that he was cheating on me with her. (as yours has already done to you.) He had NEVER stopped talking to her. He had actually deleted conversations, cleared out his internet history, he renamed her contact in his phone so I wouldn't see it, he was sleeping with her, apparently "so confused" as to who he wanted to be with. They got together a number of times to have these deep talks, talks in which he would tell her about ME and OUR problems, information she had no business even knowing about. I highly doubt that after 4 years of being in contact, that it's going to take him 10 seconds to be like, "yeah we'll never talk again." He's going to do and say whatever he needs to, to get you off his back. And the second you let up and trust that he's not talking to her, is the second they will be in contact again, but this time, it's going to be deep underground. In my case, everyone in my ex's group of friends knew they were in contact. They knew he was cheating on me, and everyone was just laughing behind my back, probably about how stupid I was. He hasn't respected you for 4 years. He's not going to start now. Oh-- and a bit of perspective from that of the ex-girlfriend... when I was with my bf, his ex at that time had contacted me via Facebook. She blatantly told me that she didn't give a s.hit about me, and she didn't care that she was sleeping with him, or the fact that I was his girlfriend. She said given the circumstances, she didn't care at all. So for your bf's ex gf to sleep with him, while knowing about you... She's not going to "just stop" or back off. You're not her friend, she's not your friend. She doesn't particularly care about you, or what is "yours." Edited October 14, 2013 by KatZee
Criticality Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 She has trusted him for 4 years and he's broken it the whole time. Not really. They were dating for two and a half years, during there were problems in the relationship on both sides, and they were both (especially the boyfriend) too immature. He also openly admitted to her that he was torn in his feelings. Then he cheated and they broke up. OP says that the relationship has dramatically improved the last year and a half, as they're both more mature, and her boyfriend tells her that he loves her and wants to be with her. I don't see any reasons to doubt OPs description here. As far is it being unlikely. No it's not. Living in a delusional world where nobody cheats ( which he has) is just being naive. But it's cute. Sure, anyone can cheat. It's a risk you live with. And preventing your partner from texting his ex two or three times a year really doesn't do anything to change that. I don't care how green the grass looked , cheating is disrespectful and to be honest an excuse they are using to justify it. Once you let cheating slide with a lame excuse the respect goes out the door. In YOUR opinion. And that's all it is, just an opinion. That's only relevant to you and your ex. Some people consider cheating unforgivable, but others choose to move past it or work through it. OP has chosen to move past the cheating. And give her relationship with the boyfriend another chance. According to her it's a lot better this time. I don't see any reason to doubt her, and your opinion concerning cheating (which I guess goes something like: "Once a cheater always a cheater and you can never move past it") I respectfully believe, isn't really relevant here, since OP doesn't share it. S A habit of 4 years doesn't just stop over night and as positive as she wants to be about it, she must stay realistic. . You , however, are flat out telling her he's not cheating as if you knew. Read her post again, its not "a habit of 4 years". OP sees the relationship in terms of then and now, and you should respect the way she sees and describes her relationship. And no, I'm not telling her he isn't cheating, nobody can say that about any partner. But she doesn't believe he's cheating, and I don't see any reasons to believe it either.
Criticality Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 And criticality. Your posts are just as objective as ours. So stop trying to throw us under a bus. as if you knew. Only if you redefine the meaning of "objective" I guess. If you want to be objective about her problem, you need to respect that she has a different attitude about cheating, and she is happy with the fact that she gave their relationship another go. And you just wrote that "once you let cheating slide respect is out the door" That is not objective. (And completely rude and disrespectful to OP) That's a completely subjective opinion that OP doesn't share, and hence isn't really relevant to her question. You think she should have never gotten back with him, fine that's your opinion and she doesn't share it. So maybe you could show a little respect to OPs completely different viewpoint, and either approach the subject objectively, or admit that no, you're not being objective and you can't? Or at least don't pretend that your opinion is as objective as mine, and accuse me of "throwing people under the bus" when I'm just pointing out that some posters aren't exactly being hallmarks of objectivity here? (What is it that Judge Judy always says? Don't piss on me and tell me its raining?) Needless to say, writing page up and down about what happened with YOUR ex, how cheating should always be the end of a relationship, men are so awful, and all the same isn't approaching OP and her question neither respectfully nor objectively. It's her boyfriend, her relationship and her attitudes towards cheating that matters here. Share your past experience if you want to, but don't pretend you're being objective, and don't act like its round two of one of your past relationships.
emva07 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 this is true. No, I don't think men are awful....just ones that do this "grass is greener" with the ex crap. Keeping in contact with the person you cheated on your SO with (yes, I understand boundaries weren't established yet) is disrespectful and a large reason why this makes OP uncomfortable. My motto here isn't "once a cheater always a cheater" it's "innocent until proven guilty" and guilty is still a possibility here. If the contact only happens three times (and even then, messages could be deleted)a year as you say, then it should be fine. If it is a constant thing, not so much. I may be wrong but I read it as, they still keep in constant contact.
KatZee Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 OK are people really trying to justify his contact with this girl??? HE CHEATED ON HER WITH THE EX ALREADY!! Whether he's talking to her once a week, a total of three times, it DOESN'T MATTER. The fact that he already cheated on her, and she STAYED with him, he should be kissing her a.ss right now. Not pushing his luck and keeping whatever amount of contact he has with her. Guys that are truly remorseful and relationships that survive after infidelity are the one's in which the other woman is COMPLETELY CUT OFF. Not limited contact, not "oh she texted me so I answered her" contact, NONE. Zip. Zilch. DONE. Instead of this happening after she took him back (which was her decision by the way, and the one choice she will ultimately learn from) he still kept up the contact! That is the highest form of disrespect. Not only did he cheat, but he then KNEW his girlfriend was uncomfortable and proceeded to keep contact anyway. There are no justifications, excuses, or ways to defend this guy. And I'm the girl who stayed with her ex after he cheated as well. If I could go back in time and punch myself in the face, I would. It was the worst mistake of my life, but at that time, no one was able to tell me otherwise, or convince me I should have left him. So in this situation, OP will learn the lesson on her own. 2
emva07 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 (edited) OK are people really trying to justify his contact with this girl??? And I'm the girl who stayed with her ex after he cheated as well. If I could go back in time and punch myself in the face, I would. It was the worst mistake of my life, but at that time, no one was able to tell me otherwise, or convince me I should have left him. So in this situation, OP will learn the lesson on her own. Same, because we all want to see the good in people, and believe when they say "ok, I'll stop talking to her" for the hundredth time because he treated me like a queen. But you are right, we don't want to hear otherwise until one day you realize....oh ****, he didn't stop talking to her. And yes, conflicted is right....if she wants to believe he has changed, it' her right to do so. Nothing better than real life experience to knock some sense into us. This isn't an issue of him still talking to an ex, it's an issue of still talking to a girl he cheated with....two different things. If a guy is truly remorseful of the cheating, the first thing he will do is cut off the girl he committed the crime with. Home-girl wanted to stay friends with him, she shouldn't have slept with him. If he wasn't sure about his love for OP and wanted to go back to the ex to see how he felt....he should've taken a break from OP, not cheated on her. Just seems like a couple of cake-eaters to me. Ex likes to tell BF about her problems to see what reaction she will get (possibly sex....hey a girl can try right?) Right now OP and BF are happy, but what happens when they're not? BF will txt the same "things aren't working out" txts to ex and she will be more than happy to console him. Right now it's just bad timing, one has always been happy while the other wanted more. What happens when they are both unhappy in their relationship at the same time? Edited October 14, 2013 by emva07
veggirl Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 If he is serious, he will block her number. Ask him to. I wonder what he would say to that suggestion. "babe, I appreciate you not talking to Susie anymore, but surely you understand that I feel a lot of betrayal from you because of your relationship with her. I'm happy you are willing to let her go, but for my piece of mind and just to put it really all to rest, I need you to block her phone number. I'm sure you understand." and I mean really, if he isn't planning on talking to her ever again, he has no reason not to comply with this simple, completely justified request
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