Is my boyfriend's ex really just trying to be his friend?

[BornToDie]

Hi all,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years, and we're doing great. We've always had one problem, though, and that's been his ex. He dated her for a year and a half and didn't meet me until about a year after they broke up. Still, though, she's always been our major topic of argument.

The first two and a half years of our dating, my boyfriend was still immature, and we were both still unsure "if the grass was greener," so I would often find out about him talking to her behind my back. He would always tell me he still had feelings for her and didn't know if he really loved me or not. A year in a half into our relationship, he cheated on me with her one time. We tried to work it out, but our hearts weren't in it, so at our two and a half year mark, we broke up for a few months. While we were broken up, he hung out with her a few times, but nothing happened because she was in a relationship. Eventually, he came back into my life, and we got back together.

 

I realize this past description of my boyfriend doesn't give a good first impression, but for the past year, he's been great. He appreciates me much more and wants to marry me now; he says that us breaking up is "not an option" and that he knows that he truly loves me and that there's nothing else out there for him but me. Around June, though, he came to me and told me that he and his ex had talked on the phone (he didn't try to hide it from me, told me he wanted to be honest) about how their lives were going, and that's about as far as it went. I reacted dramatically, and it really broke my heart, so I sent the girl a message, basically telling her that I could respect she and my boyfriend being platonic as long as she could respect friendly boundaries. Two months later, she messaged me back and said she wanted to talk on the phone to me. She called me and pretty much said that she wanted to be friends with my boyfriend because it was hard to know someone for so long and not ask how they're doing. She said she and her boyfriend were having problems of their own with another girl, and that she respected me for confronting her because now she knows how I feel.. She told me that I had nothing to worry about and that when she was hanging out with my boyfriend during our breakup, she "could tell he missed me and needed me," and that she was happy for us. That was about it.. I felt better that we'd cleared it up.

 

She's texted my boyfriend on two occasions since then, and on each, they basically say how they're doing. My boyfriend always mentions how great he and I are doing, and then she says "I'm happy for you!" and then talks about how bad she and her boyfriend are doing, and then eventually, she doesn't respond. As relaxed as I'm trying to be about this, the skeptical side of me feels like she's "keeping tabs" on my boyfriend. I told him last night that I felt like she only texted him to see if he and I were doing badly, and if we were, that she'd jump on an opportunity. He responded by saying, "I don't know what she's thinking, but you have nothing to worry about because we aren't breaking up. I don't want to be with her."

 

What do you guys think? Is she really just being friendly, or is she trying to keep him close in case things with him and me go sour? My boyfriend and I do have an understanding that I'll talk to my exes as friends just like she'll text him as a friend sometimes, so we're both honest and laid back about it. I just can't help but feel an ulterior motive.

[emva07]

nope.

 

There is an ulterior motive.

[sickpuppy]

Hi all,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years, and we're doing great. We've always had one problem, though, and that's been his ex. He dated her for a year and a half and didn't meet me until about a year after they broke up. Still, though, she's always been our major topic of argument.

The first two and a half years of our dating, my boyfriend was still immature, and we were both still unsure "if the grass was greener," so I would often find out about him talking to her behind my back. He would always tell me he still had feelings for her and didn't know if he really loved me or not. A year in a half into our relationship, he cheated on me with her one time. We tried to work it out, but our hearts weren't in it, so at our two and a half year mark, we broke up for a few months. While we were broken up, he hung out with her a few times, but nothing happened because she was in a relationship. Eventually, he came back into my life, and we got back together.

 

I realize this past description of my boyfriend doesn't give a good first impression, but for the past year, he's been great. He appreciates me much more and wants to marry me now; he says that us breaking up is "not an option" and that he knows that he truly loves me and that there's nothing else out there for him but me. Around June, though, he came to me and told me that he and his ex had talked on the phone (he didn't try to hide it from me, told me he wanted to be honest) about how their lives were going, and that's about as far as it went. I reacted dramatically, and it really broke my heart, so I sent the girl a message, basically telling her that I could respect she and my boyfriend being platonic as long as she could respect friendly boundaries. Two months later, she messaged me back and said she wanted to talk on the phone to me. She called me and pretty much said that she wanted to be friends with my boyfriend because it was hard to know someone for so long and not ask how they're doing. She said she and her boyfriend were having problems of their own with another girl, and that she respected me for confronting her because now she knows how I feel.. She told me that I had nothing to worry about and that when she was hanging out with my boyfriend during our breakup, she "could tell he missed me and needed me," and that she was happy for us. That was about it.. I felt better that we'd cleared it up.

 

She's texted my boyfriend on two occasions since then, and on each, they basically say how they're doing. My boyfriend always mentions how great he and I are doing, and then she says "I'm happy for you!" and then talks about how bad she and her boyfriend are doing, and then eventually, she doesn't respond. As relaxed as I'm trying to be about this, the skeptical side of me feels like she's "keeping tabs" on my boyfriend. I told him last night that I felt like she only texted him to see if he and I were doing badly, and if we were, that she'd jump on an opportunity. He responded by saying, "I don't know what she's thinking, but you have nothing to worry about because we aren't breaking up. I don't want to be with her."

 

What do you guys think? Is she really just being friendly, or is she trying to keep him close in case things with him and me go sour? My boyfriend and I do have an understanding that I'll talk to my exes as friends just like she'll text him as a friend sometimes, so we're both honest and laid back about it. I just can't help but feel an ulterior motive.

 

 

I myself never talk to exes. I see no reason to. Especially if I really cared about the one I'm currently with.

 

They're having their side relationship while you are in one. Cheating starts long before the clothes come off.

 

I'd be very careful. If he gets pissed you want her out of the picture..You can bet she'll be trying harder if not end up back in the picture and I think you are afraid to admit to yourself what your gut is telling you.

[veggirl]

She's full of it and you shouldn't trust your bf as far as you can throw him.

 

"hey I'm gonna be friends with the girl I cheated on you with mkay?"

 

please!

 

don't be naive.

 

just wait til there is a problem in your relationship and he runs to tell her about it and get his "friends" advice. bad news.

[truth_seeker]

Leave him now. She's all about sleeping with him just to stick it to you. He's all about excuses so he can justify cheating on you with her.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Hi all,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years, and we're doing great. We've always had one problem, though, and that's been his ex. He dated her for a year and a half and didn't meet me until about a year after they broke up. Still, though, she's always been our major topic of argument.

The first two and a half years of our dating, my boyfriend was still immature, and we were both still unsure "if the grass was greener," so I would often find out about him talking to her behind my back. He would always tell me he still had feelings for her and didn't know if he really loved me or not. A year in a half into our relationship, he cheated on me with her one time. We tried to work it out, but our hearts weren't in it, so at our two and a half year mark, we broke up for a few months. While we were broken up, he hung out with her a few times, but nothing happened because she was in a relationship. Eventually, he came back into my life, and we got back together.

 

I realize this past description of my boyfriend doesn't give a good first impression, but for the past year, he's been great. He appreciates me much more and wants to marry me now; he says that us breaking up is "not an option" and that he knows that he truly loves me and that there's nothing else out there for him but me. Around June, though, he came to me and told me that he and his ex had talked on the phone (he didn't try to hide it from me, told me he wanted to be honest) about how their lives were going, and that's about as far as it went. I reacted dramatically, and it really broke my heart, so I sent the girl a message, basically telling her that I could respect she and my boyfriend being platonic as long as she could respect friendly boundaries. Two months later, she messaged me back and said she wanted to talk on the phone to me. She called me and pretty much said that she wanted to be friends with my boyfriend because it was hard to know someone for so long and not ask how they're doing. She said she and her boyfriend were having problems of their own with another girl, and that she respected me for confronting her because now she knows how I feel.. She told me that I had nothing to worry about and that when she was hanging out with my boyfriend during our breakup, she "could tell he missed me and needed me," and that she was happy for us. That was about it.. I felt better that we'd cleared it up.

 

She's texted my boyfriend on two occasions since then, and on each, they basically say how they're doing. My boyfriend always mentions how great he and I are doing, and then she says "I'm happy for you!" and then talks about how bad she and her boyfriend are doing, and then eventually, she doesn't respond. As relaxed as I'm trying to be about this, the skeptical side of me feels like she's "keeping tabs" on my boyfriend. I told him last night that I felt like she only texted him to see if he and I were doing badly, and if we were, that she'd jump on an opportunity. He responded by saying, "I don't know what she's thinking, but you have nothing to worry about because we aren't breaking up. I don't want to be with her."

 

What do you guys think? Is she really just being friendly, or is she trying to keep him close in case things with him and me go sour? My boyfriend and I do have an understanding that I'll talk to my exes as friends just like she'll text him as a friend sometimes, so we're both honest and laid back about it. I just can't help but feel an ulterior motive.

 

 

 

I think that you are an excellent candidate for learning and accepting the very fair double standard between men and women where it concerns having opposite sex friends.

 

Time and humanity have shown that men have zero interest in maintaining mere friendships with women they wouldn't rather be banging ("Pinterest" is perhaps enough evidence to assure that) (and yes, exceptions are made in areas of the workplace, neighbors, and familial connections)

 

However, the opposite is not true of women. They get and can have so many offers that they can pick and choose among them, thus leaving each offer far less significant or valuable relatively speaking.

 

So while it would be a sure thing that the only reason this girl's boyfriend maintains a connection with that third girl is because he wants to bang her... it is NOT necessarily true of your boyfriend's ex.

 

(fine-line clarity here: Your boyfriend's EX's motives are likely no great cause for your concern ... but IF you find your boyfriend in pursuit of that friendship to any significant degree, then you should worry)

 

 

Their shared romantic past is both a common ground which could warrant shared conversations, AND obviously at the same time a reason to remain actively aware. (but the person you're watching is HIM, and not necessarily her)

[KatZee]

Your boyfriend already cheated on you with her.

 

There is no platonic friendship here and she's the reason your relationship with him fell apart.

 

If your boyfriend really wants to marry you and says breaking up isn't an option, then he shouldn't have one issue getting rid of this girl and never engaging with her again.

 

He crossed the line, he betrayed you, he disrespected the relationship so fully with you, and now he has the nads to try and be her "friend" ??

 

She's gone, or you are. End of story.

 

You're the one with all the power here. Not him. You shouldn't feel one ounce of guilt for standing your ground and demanding he stop talking to this girl. The only way people get over infidelity is if the other woman is gone completely. Does he really think you're cool with having his cheating shoved in your face on a regular basis?

 

This kid has an extremely large set of balls. Seriously.

Edited September 20, 2013 by KatZee

[crederer]

The fact he cheated on you with her says it all. Obviously there is nothing platonic here. It sounds like you're his first choice but he's keeping her on the back burner in case you don't work out.

 

If I were you, I'd help him make that decision.

[sickpuppy]

I think the OP in this situation is the only one who truly cares. Her boyfriend doesn't care nor does his ex. They are more of a "couple" with shared "interests" in this "relationship".

 

I can sympathyze as it makes you feel almost as if you are the outsider in your own relationship.

 

Most of us can give advice but if you are were in that situation you really want to hope that other person cares enough for you to put you and themselves first even though you know what could or is happening.

 

I think the O.P knows if she leaves her boyfriend she in a sense would be "giving him the green light" to sleep with his ex and couldn't trust him at all anymore as he's already cheated on her once with her.

[FitChick]

I am the lone dissenter it would seem. He had his fling and came back to you. He chose you over her. He is happier with you. Let that sink in.

 

Meanwhile this woman has problems with her own boyfriend cheating. I would broach the subject with your boyfriend like this:

 

"You should excuse yourself from her life so she can focus on getting her own relationship together. She shouldn't use you as a crutch. You are a distraction. It is having a negative effect on our own relationship. I feel sorry for her but this is HER problem and not YOURS. Recommend she see a therapist or that they go to couples counseling."

[darkmoon]

"My boyfriend and I do have an understanding that I'll talk to my exes as friends"

 

you mean he said that if he can keep talking to this girl, then you can talk to your exes too

 

this is my impression given the scenario that you described

 

the ground-rules are there to suit him - how did these groundrules come about?

 

who really wants an ex in the picture? actively likes being around some1 s/he once screwed

 

discreetly date others, do not invest 100% in this scenario, he knows ur unhappy yet carries on

Edited September 20, 2013 by darkmoon

[Acacia98]

I realize this past description of my boyfriend doesn't give a good first impression, but for the past year, he's been great. He appreciates me much more and wants to marry me now; he says that us breaking up is "not an option" and that he knows that he truly loves me and that there's nothing else out there for him but me.

 

Methinks marriage should be off the table with this guy. This is not just an ex, but the woman he cheated on you with. The fact that they HAVE TO stay in touch is too much.

[camillalev]

She's full of it and you shouldn't trust your bf as far as you can throw him.

 

"hey I'm gonna be friends with the girl I cheated on you with mkay?"

 

please!

don't be naive.

 

just wait til there is a problem in your relationship and he runs to tell her about it and get his "friends" advice. bad news.

 

Seconded.

 

There are all kinds of things wrong with this picture.

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh, hell no. This isn't just any ex. This is the woman he cheated with. This is the woman who's been the source of serious problems in your relationship. And she has the cajones to whine to you about how hard it is not to talk to him now? Come on, OP. Don't you see what's happening here? She's setting you up so you'll feel more comfortable letting the two of them communicate and spend time together..and THAT is a slippery slope that they've already tumbled down. Don't let him do it again. Don't allow her to guilt you into it. Cut this off at the source or I can almost guarantee you will suffer a big heartache later.

[KatZee]

I am the lone dissenter it would seem. He had his fling and came back to you. He chose you over her. He is happier with you. Let that sink in.

 

No disrespect to you, but I was in this exact same situation with my ex.

 

He wound up cheating on me with his ex girlfriend... did the whole, "Oh I'm so confused, I don't know who I want to be with..." Wah wah wah, boo hoo. I felt so sorry for him.

 

He too "came back" to me and decided he was "happier with me." Believe me, these things DO NOT make you feel better at all.

 

The fact remains, he cheated on her. With an ex girlfriend. And he continues to this day, rubbing that in his current girlfriend's face.

 

I'm not sure if you've ever been cheated on by a boyfriend who went and stuck his dick in an ex... and then who continued speaking on the regular to her... but I have. And I can tell you that what you feel can't be "band-aid'ed" over with, "he came back to you."

 

It's not fair to the OP at all. And it shows her boyfriend couldn't care any less about her and how she feels about what he did to her.

 

I stick to my original thought. OP-- She goes, or you go. If he's so in love and so happy, this decision shouldn't take him more than 10 seconds to make. Any longer than that, any "uhhh errmmm ummm" and you walk. NOW.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Uh hell no.

 

How do you know he is not texting her also? I wouldn't be able to handle the stress of this situation, so I would walk for my own peace of mind. Do you want to marry him and still flinch every time she texts him?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Come on people, stay on topic:

 

 

The OP begins like this:

 

 

Is my boyfriend's ex really just trying to be his friend?

 

 

and it ends like this:

 

 

What do you guys think? Is she really just being friendly, or is she trying to keep him close in case things with him and me go sour? My boyfriend and I do have an understanding that I'll talk to my exes as friends just like she'll text him as a friend sometimes,

 

 

 

So the question is all about that one particular female, and it is very realistic that she may indeed be perfectly capable/willing/interested in just maintaining a friendship sans ulterior motive.

 

Were the OP trying to measure her boyfriend, that would be another story. But as women can get interest and offers from 360 degrees around them, the EX g/f does not neeeeeeeeeeeed this guy as a romantic outlet.

 

 

Where a double-standard is not fair is in the arena where this OP is talking to ex b/f's (who want only to bang her {again}) if indeed this b/f is not allowed to talk with his ex's {who don't necessarily want any such thing}.

[truth_seeker]

Uh hell no.

 

How do you know he is not texting her also? I wouldn't be able to handle the stress of this situation, so I would walk for my own peace of mind. Do you want to marry him and still flinch every time she texts him?

 

Absolutely. This is all about mind control and him getting off throwing the ex-gf in her face. Sick guy. Bad guy. The OP needs to walk away from this loser.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Absolutely not.

 

You can debate the merits of being friends with exes, being cordial, or cutting them out all together, and everyone has different (and even valid) viewpoints. And that's fine.

 

But he already crossed the line and essentially ruined your relationship for a period of time by cheating with her. In this instance you are totally, 100% in the right to issue an ultimatum: she's out or you are. Affairs are special circumstances and if he truly can't see how disrespectful it is to you to still have her in his life, he is not worthy of this relationship.

[BornToDie]

Thanks for all the responses.

As of right now, I finally put my foot down and told him no more, that I wasn't comfortable, and that I couldn't be in a relationship with him if I felt like she was a part of it. He said, "Okay, I'll never talk to her again." Didn't take him more than 10 seconds.

 

She last texted him a few weeks ago, saying, "Made an A on my first math test!" (as if she deserves a gold star). He hasn't deleted anything to show me that he's not hiding anything, and he hasn't responded. We spend most of our time together (either that or he's hard at work), so I know he's not going behind my back. His manner hasn't changed, either; still very affectionate and appreciative to me. As huge of a skeptic as I am, I really do think this is going to be the minority of cases that actually works out.

[minkiemal]

Honestly girl in my experience it never ends well

 

My bf ex gf got in a horrible car accident once & she had a broken collar bone & foot

 

Well before i knew it she was begging HIM to take care of her to the point that after digging through text messages i found out he was "helping her bathe" because she didn't trust anyone else to see her nude ...

& he tries to play it off as though they are just "close friends"

 

 

 

So yes there is no point in him continuing a tie to her unless he in the future thinks she could come back around when he needs it.

 

Hope it all works out for you, I understand the pain you must feel about this

[emva07]

She's been a problem for four years, cause of constant argument, etc, and now with him saying "i won't talk to her" all is changed?

 

You do know people can delete certain messages as to appear they aren't in contact with someone? I know plenty of guys that are expert at this. In the past I've had sex with a married man for almost a year, his wife told him not to talk to me, I still rode his car every single day for 2 years, emailed him, never txt, called him at work, he called me while he was driving to and from work and erased the call history.....lol.....foolish lady thought he meant it when he said he'd stop talking to me....:laugh:

To this day, we still talk (as friends) when he's about to get home he just says "hey I'm home ttyl" and I say ok, bye. We still go out for drinks from time to time. Whenever she calls him, I don't make any noise even though I'm right next to him. We email all the time. Meanwhile she forgot about me 2 years ago.

 

Oh....and before that.... my ex did it to me with his ex. I spend 2 years begging for him to stop the contact....he "did" just to have her confront me one day as to how stupid I was to have believed him and that they had never stopped talking. Meanwhile, he was sooooo romantic to me at home, I would've never suspected a thing. I knew what he was capable of....but like you, I chose wishful thinking. Sigh....the years I could've saved myself if I had just cut him off the first few times I caught them talking. Then again why would he? All he had to do was tell me he wouldn't talk to her anymore and I'd believe him and he'd go back to doing it again....this was year after year after year.

 

Him being romantic and affectionate to you has nothing to do with him not talking to her. You'd be surprised how good some people are.

 

Not saying he is (though it is HIGHLY probable they are still in contact) just saying....be more realistic, I know you hope it's true (and honey, we ALL think we are the exception to the "he won't change" rule) but based on 4 years of HIM holding on to her (4 YEARS!!!), this change won't happen over night. Especially because they've been making a fool out of you for 4 years. You can't demand respect, you earn it, and they have surely ran tracks all over you for the past 4 years, that respect was longgg gone.

 

She knows she's still got him so she will do as she pleases. He has been giving her a green light for 4 years, come on girl, common sense. Why would he burn that bridge when he knows how easy it is to shut you up about the subject?

Edited October 14, 2013 by emva07

[Criticality]

His manner hasn't changed, either; still very affectionate and appreciative to me. As huge of a skeptic as I am, I really do think this is going to be the minority of cases that actually works out.

 

Honestly BTD, sometimes getting honest advice in here is like asking a convention of car wreck survivors whether its ever OK to go above the speed limit, and occasionally answer the phone while driving.

 

The responses you get are hardly objective and are based on other people's disappointments instead of basing them on your situation.

 

But people are different. Exes are different. Not all boyfriends or husbands are the same.

 

So lets look at your situation...

 

Your boyfriend didnt deceive you, he told you outright that he was having feelings for his ex. (Hey, it happens sometimes that you're in love with or find yourself torn between two people)

 

I'm sure it hurt. But he was being honest with you, despite the fact that it could easily have cost him his relationship with you, and he could easily have lied about it.

 

That kind of tells you that he's a guy who understands how important honesty is in a relationship, no? Sure he texted with her behind your back, that's just really common courtesy that you don't throw it in the girlfriends face. But he didnt lie about it or hide the fact that he was unsure of you and him together.

 

You both thought that the grass was greener, were immature and the relationship wasn't that great, he had sex with her and you guys broke up.

Him and his ex couldn't make it work, and now that you and your boyfriend have gotten more mature, you're back together and things are great, right?

 

So clearly the relationship with the ex ran out, he figured out that they weren't meant to be and he loves you. And tells you honestly that he kept in touch with her occasionally, and he'd like to continue to do so?

 

Again he's being honest and communicating with you.

 

Is it unheard of or weird that exes keep in touch? Not really. I know lots of people who are on a friendly basis with their ex. It's not like he forbids you the same either.

I could see it could be a problem if they talked several times a week, but an email or test message a couple of times a year is hardly suspicious or inappropriate.

 

I really don't see the reason to assume that this is anything more, than what he's telling you it is.

 

Is it possible that he or she still has plans to get together? Kinda doubtful. Of that was in the cards, they would have gotten together. They both probably realized that they're not a good couple.

 

Could they be having sex behind your back? Again, that's kinda doubtful. Why then get back with you and pretend to be happy and honest? I suppose its possible, but then again. A lot of things are possible. He could have a massive coke habit you dont know abort, or bang three different girls you've never heard of behind your back. He could go to prostitutes every night. A lot of things are possible, but unlikely given that he hasn't really given you any reasons to believe otherwise.

[Criticality]

Thanks for all the responses.

As of right now, I finally put my foot down and told him no more, that I wasn't comfortable, and that I couldn't be in a relationship with him if I felt like she was a part of it. He said, "Okay, I'll never talk to her again." Didn't take him more than 10 seconds.

 

This was kind of a mistake I think. Or maybe not a mistake, but unnecessary.

 

Just for the reason that both men and women tend to find insecurity a little unappealing.

 

Don't get me wrong, it's not like its completely unreasonable what you did. But maybe a little petty and unnecessary. You should trust your boyfriend in this case. It would have been different if they talked several times a week, but a couple of texts a year?

 

It's neither suspicious nor unususual.

 

Some people have no contact with their ex partners, and that's fine. But plenty of people stay on a friendly basis with their ex, and either see each other now and then or stay in touch with email/msgs for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with their current partner.

[emva07]

Criticality. I think it turned into a problem when he cheated on her with the ex. At that point it became obvious it's more than a friendship.