psm04 Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 The last couple of days have been strange. I've been feeling the pull to get back into it again. I know he wants to. I can feel it when he's around me, and see it in his eyes. I don't want to get back in an affair, I really don't. I can't handle the two worlds and two men. He never liked the word affair with regards to us, but at the end of the day, that's what it becomes. I'm terrified that I'm going to have a weak moment one of these days, and either go along with something he suggests, or suggest something myself. So far, I've been really good. We haven't talked about anything inappropriate. Every conversation we have is something I'd have with anyone else at work, and we only talk during work hours. He's given me a couple of compliments, and I've politely said thanks and not entertained it further. But I'm so afraid that my strength won't last. Please remind me why I should think with my head and not with my heart(or other parts). Pierre, if you read this, I'm not looking for external validation. I'm really not. I am in love with this guy but I will not get into it while married to someone else and while he's married to someone else. I just want to have the strength to continue what I've been doing and keep all feelings inside me and not talk to him about them or act on them. I just need people to push me further towards that goal. Maybe I should go read some of my older posts again, about all the times I felt like crap.
legalgirl Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 Oh I so feel your pain. Its solo hard to say no huh?
Praying4Peace Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 Why are you even around him? Might as well get back into it, your mind is there. No contact. No contact. No contact.
Author psm04 Posted September 19, 2013 Author Posted September 19, 2013 Why are you even around him? We work together in the same department. Our conversations have decreased drastically. We talk a fraction of what we used to. We are part of a small group of close co-workers, and it will definitely be obvious if I just stopped interaction with him. There is only so much I can stay away, and I'm doing it as much as I can. I do not talk to him outside of the building. We don't even walk to our cars together like we used to.
Author psm04 Posted September 19, 2013 Author Posted September 19, 2013 No, this is not your typical external validation. You are simply doing the mating dance. The more you resist the greater the final explosion of lust and and romance. The build up will lead to amazing sex, happens every time. And the the sadness and the realization you are betraying your H, family, and those you know once again. It is not the way to live. I'm not trying to do the mating dance. My mind is/was made up on not having an affair. I'm just afraid that I'll slip again like I've done before, and I was sure that I didn't want to have an affair then too. I'm even worried about the EA, saying the ILYs and I miss yous. My xAP and I never did get to having full blown intercourse. So there is no build up to that. I just envision the build up to me doing something stupid. OK. I'm just going to stick with it and take it one day at a time.
Wambo Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 Pierre is correct. You have desires to continue the affair like I do. The best option at the moment is to give him the impression it's 100% over and this will give you even greater beathing space. He will not try his luck so often. Another tip when talking to your others co workers, is mention your husband but only do it a few times so it doesn't look like you are playing mind games.
Author psm04 Posted September 20, 2013 Author Posted September 20, 2013 It is so awkward for me to mention my husband around him or to him. Just the other day, I had to let him know that I'm going on vacation with my H. I know that he wasn't happy to hear that. This sucks. I don't know why I have to feel bad about going on vacation with my H, when he does it with his wife and kids too. Even though we don't talk about our feelings to each other anymore, there is always that 'big elephant' thing going on. I guess it will always be there as long as I work with him. I really cannot leave my job. It's easy to say, but hard to do. I really like my job and I'm happy there.
zevahc Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 It is so awkward for me to mention my husband around him or to him. Just the other day, I had to let him know that I'm going on vacation with my H. I know that he wasn't happy to hear that. This sucks. I don't know why I have to feel bad about going on vacation with my H, when he does it with his wife and kids too. Even though we don't talk about our feelings to each other anymore, there is always that 'big elephant' thing going on. I guess it will always be there as long as I work with him. I really cannot leave my job. It's easy to say, but hard to do. I really like my job and I'm happy there. Gosh my heart goes out to you...i know the pain. I'm at least lucky for the time being NC (which is pretty much just extreme LC since we work together) is working. She hasn't really even thrown out a serious breadcrumb in awhile (which admittedly hurts in a way). Only crap you might tell a good friend...but she shouldn't tell me...she's text and I've not responded...nothing about "us". It sucks either way....but i'm hoping this road leads to happiness sooner.
Wambo Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 It is so awkward for me to mention my husband around him or to him. Just the other day, I had to let him know that I'm going on vacation with my H. I know that he wasn't happy to hear that. This sucks. I don't know why I have to feel bad about going on vacation with my H, when he does it with his wife and kids too. Even though we don't talk about our feelings to each other anymore, there is always that 'big elephant' thing going on. I guess it will always be there as long as I work with him. I really cannot leave my job. It's easy to say, but hard to do. I really like my job and I'm happy there. The whole point of mentioning your husband is: 1. To emotionally hurt him. 2. Prevent him getting ideas or illusions about you. When he get emotionally hurt, he will keep his distance and in return you will gain extra breathing space. You need to control your situation, try to save your job and more importantly keep your marriage intact. At the moment he doesn't respect you or your marriage. If he does then he wouldn't be putting you through this extra pain or trying it on. A few days ago my former friend tried to speak to me and it backed fired on her. In the process she got emotionally hurt and will not try this again anytime soon. Yes I took a emotional hit by ignoring her but in the short term I will get extra breathing space and less emotionally strained.
Author psm04 Posted September 22, 2013 Author Posted September 22, 2013 Pierre - even though I don't mention my H explicitly to him, he is still aware that we do pretty much everything together. The reason why I don't really talk about him unless I have to is that it kills me to hear his wife being mentioned. Even though the A is over, and we don't talk about anything inappropriate, I still don't want to discuss/hear about spouses. Scott - not sure if you have me confused with another poster. My xAP didn't just have a baby. His kids are young, but school age. His wife actually had an A before getting married to him (on her ex H), so I don't think the whole 'not wanting a woman who cheated' applies to him. It doesn't matter anyway since we aren't going to get together. Also, my H knows about him. Not everything though. He doesn't know that there was any PA. I do agree with you that if we had moved forward on the PA, this would be a hundred times worse now.
Author psm04 Posted September 23, 2013 Author Posted September 23, 2013 My apologies, I've been juggling threads so might have ended up mixing things. However, let me get this straight- the EA did not turn into a PA- if this is the case then I applaud your ability to disconnect and maintain a distance (you're stronger than I was). My advice still stands-sit down with your husband and discuss the entire situation. Trust me, this is way better than suffering in silence or falling into a PA. Keep a considerable distance from the OM and maintain minimal contact. Go on the infidelity forum and read the threads about an EA- the advice is the same. Good Luck. Do give an update and feel free to contact anyone if you have any questions. Additionally, buy some books (His Needs, Her Needs, Not Just Friends etc from Amazon/Abe Books/Local Retailer). Read them with your husband. While my wife and I were working on our R (PA on both sides), this strategy played a major role in helping us voice and articulate our opinions/communicate effectively. Trust me, this will work wonders. PS. If this was your last day on earth, who would you spend it with? H or the OM? How would you spend that day; by keeping a secret crush hidden or working on improving your marriage? Well, we did have a PA, but just no intercourse. It was mostly emotional though, but there were moments when the physical line was crossed. I chose to not tell my H about the PA because I don't want to crush him for no reason, when I'm truly trying to get past this and move on. I don't want to hurt him. He's a good guy, and has only done good things for people. He didn't deserve any of it, and he definitely doesn't deserve to live with the details for the rest of his life. He does know about some of the EA though (not the intensity of it), and he knows that xAP is still trying to talk to me. Thanks for the book suggestions. I'll check them out. I really need to get over this whole 'friendship' thing. I've gotten better at treating him just as I would any other co-worker (I think I pretty much emotionally shut down when we talk), but there are times when the temptation is there. So far though, I haven't acted on them, and I plan to continue to not. I'm also not reaching out to him. There is minimal contact from my side, and I am almost formal with him when we talk. Your last question is heavy lol. To be honest, I am not sure, and that's sad. A major part of me is leaning towards my H, who is my support structure and my family, but a small part of me would want to feel the way xAP made me feel that I'll never feel anymore (and that's ok). It was definitely more than a crush. Definitely. It was just the wrong place and wrong time. And I'm really honestly just trying to do what's right by me and my H. It's just that the emotions will take a little bit longer to subside.
Recommended Posts