Marriage Woes - What's Your Take?

[srtdeagle84]

Hello Everyone. This is my first time posting and I am happy to be here. It took a lot of courage to get here and share what I'm about to write. I'm hoping you all will provide an opinion that myself and others can benefit from.

 

To begin, I have been living in a bad marriage for almost 4 years now. I met my wife online and then in person January 2010. When we first met, things weren't so bad. It was when I started to get to know her that I was turned off.

 

For starters, she was very flaky and did some silly things I haven't witnessed normal people do before. She had strange sayings that seemed a little odd - too odd to remember what they were. The first time she cooked for me she put a metal pot in the microwave. She hijacked my coffee creamer and made a drink made of 90% creamer, 10% coffee. She just seemed so out of it like she either had some strange mental problem like she was slow or it could be looked at like she's a child trapped in a woman's body. Granted, I met her when I was 26 and she was 29. Either way, something wasn't right and I was about to call things off when...

 

It happened! The very thing I said would never happen because I'm smarter than that. I got her pregnant. It turned out to be one of the best things of my life because I love my son so much. He's my little buddy and that's amazing. He's 2 1/2 years old now.

 

Before I go any further, let me add that my sister and brother-in-law met her and thought the same way I did - that she danced to the beat of a different drum and just didn't fit in with us.

 

To continue, when she got pregnant I was initially set on the idea of not marrying her but being a man and doing my part financially and to be the best father I could be. I didn't love her and we never established any kind of real tangible chemistry. Thus, I felt it wasn't a good idea to marry her. You don't marry because of children, you marry because of love. Otherwise, when your kids grow older and move away what do you have left? Certainly not love to keep the marriage afloat.

 

So I ended up marrying her anyway. Why? Because I got bullied into it. Granted, it was ultimately my decision but her parents said they didn't want anything to do with me, her, or the baby if we didn't get married. Apparently, their religion is the cause of that way of thinking. I for one don't agree with that and wasn't going to allow them to control me but when she wouldn't stop crying and acted like her life was over, I caved in.

 

We didn't have a real wedding. We got married at the courthouse. It was rather embarrassing, actually. Also, I purchased both rings. My wedding ring certainly feels like my own but doesn't feel special because of this.

 

So here's where the stress started; she moved into my 1-bedroom apartment and got this crazy idea that the job I had at the time was financially viable to support both of us such as her student loans, her car payment, phone, etc. That and pay for the extra utilities, food, gas, etc. There just wasn't any way to do this but she kicked and screamed like a child and demanded she be a stay at home wife/mother.

 

Eventually, she quit cold turkey on her antidepressants and I really felt I never had a rougher time in my life. My family could see my sudden change in mood/personality and it bothered them. I had no support system other than them so I expressed my feelings and got it out to them.

 

Finally, my sister had enough and didn't want much to do with my wife. That's where things snowballed out of control. I couldn't keep that a secret for too long and when my wife found out, she flipped. She acted like a complete child without any regard for my respect or my family's. She essentially acted like they didn't mean a thing to me. She said some of the most horrible things in the book but what she didn't realize was every time she did this, it was hurting me 10 times more because of how much I love and respect my family.

 

Don't get me wrong, my family isn't perfect. They poked fun at her in the beginning because she was strange. They didn't mean to hurt her feelings or harm her but she is so sensitive that she took it the wrong way.

 

Things progressed into all-out war. It was he said this, she said that. It was like a football was being tossed back and forth with a fresh load of insults and drama every time and I was stuck in the middle. That was one of the worst feelings I've ever had.

 

I couldn't stand up for my wife because I knew her behavior was juvenile, disrespectful, and wrong. My family tried to be the bigger people and work things out with her regardless of the horrible things she's said but every time that would happen, she'd decline. She didn't want to reconcile. She just took everything out on me.

 

I eventually stopped talking to my family for about six months because she said she'd leave me if I didn't. I complied and regret it with every part of my being. It was the worst thing I could possibly do because I enabled her. I did it because her behavior drove me nuts and I just wanted it to stop.

 

My family certainly resented me for a little while and I don't blame them. Eventually things got worse and my wife's negativity toward my family became a daily routine. It kept eating at my soul each and every time she brought them up, complained, or called them awful. My family are great people and I know that they don't deserve this and I certainly don't deserve the behavior she was/is throwing at me. I never thought I could be so sick of something in all my life. Fast forward to today and her behavior isn't as bad but certainly is there.

 

Eventually she resorted to spitting in my face one time during our daily arguments which triggered me to act. I filed for divorce and she accepted and signed the paperwork. I went to visit my family and got drunk and ended up having a one-night stand. Where did that get me? I ended up feeling guilty as sin and felt so awful of myself, even though the divorce was almost final. Granted, she did the exact same thing. After talking with her, she convinced me to come back so I sent in the paperwork to cancel the divorce. Oh how I regret that decision.

 

Eventually things went right back to where they were. She started the insults and the BS about my family. Truthfully, I never ever felt respected. We don't have a lot in common that we like to do and we disagree on everything. I've never felt truly happy or in love. I just felt it was my duty to take care of her and I'm so wrong about that.

 

Fast forward, eventually I almost filed again because of her behavior. It's an emotional roller coaster ride of ups and downs. But a leopard doesn't change its spots. I almost went through with the second divorce only to make the same mistake I made the first time. God am I stupid.

 

I have been getting professional help for a few years. I tried couples counseling which didn't seem to work. Well, perhaps it did for the first day and then she was back at it. She has an obsession with stalking my family on Facebook which I quite never understood since she hates them so much.

 

After all the counseling, self-help books, family support, and so forth I felt it was time to act once again but not back down. I think I know exactly what to do and am feeling better about it every day. However, I am writing all of this to get your thoughts, opinions, or ideas of this situation.

 

What would you do if this happened to you? I left so much out because I'd have to write a book if I put it in. What would you do? How would you feel?

 

One final thing to add: she is pregnant again and is due in a few months. This is what happens when you travel down the road of ambivalence.

[Els]

Okay. First off, you've been wanting to leave for a long time now. WHY would you have unprotected sex during that time and get her pregnant again, knowing that!?!?!? Or was this yet another 'accident', the second in 2.5 years?

 

Secondly, I think you know what you need to do. I really feel for your second child whom you conceived with this woman while knowing that you were wanting out of the marriage, but what's done is done. Gotta move forward now.

 

File.

[Silly_Girl]

OP, I don't understand, I really don't. It feels as though you knew it was doomed from the off, so why vow to stay - twice?? What were you staying for? You make out as though you never loved her and thought she was 'weird' so what on earth did she have in her toolkit to convince you to scrap the impending divorce and spend the rest of your days with her?

 

The family feud thing is largely irrelevant in my view. Sounds, reading between the lines, as though they were mean and she's not forgiven them, which is her prerogative.

 

As Elswyth said - why make a baby? You appear to be with a woman you don't love and plan to leave?

 

I wonder whether there's more between you and your wife than you describe but because you're feeling resentful and painting her as the bad guy (which she may be) we're not getting to hear it.

 

In your shoes my prime consideration now would be your children. Is she a good parent? Do you parent well together? After the divorce will there be a fair split of the children's time? Might she move away if you split?

[srtdeagle84]

My story is certainly missing information because so much has happened. That being said, anyone should feel free to ask me anything to get clarification.

 

My second child happened because we both were in agreement at the time that we would make the marriage work. However, the same pattern of bad behavior has repeated which is why I want out. People only change if they want to and wishful thinking will get you nowhere.

 

Much of the reason for trying to fix my marriage when I know I shouldn't is the feeling of guilt that can bestowed upon you. It's very powerful.

 

Also, I realize my first post was extremely lengthy. I probably could have cut out a bunch of stuff but I guess you could say I was venting. I certainly needed it.

[srtdeagle84]

OP, I don't understand, I really don't. It feels as though you knew it was doomed from the off, so why vow to stay - twice?? What were you staying for? You make out as though you never loved her and thought she was 'weird' so what on earth did she have in her toolkit to convince you to scrap the impending divorce and spend the rest of your days with her?

 

I stayed because I was afraid to go. I was also made out to feel guilty and it worked its magic on me. Honestly, the book "Too Good To Stay, Too Bad to Leave" makes sense of all of this which I'm currently reading. Perhaps it was a mistake to post in the forums here because this story is so huge I think I got way in over my head here.

 

Perhaps I'll refrain from posting anything further from this point on and continue reading my book and seeing my counselor. I just thought this would be a good place to go for some unbiased support. I know that can happen but this story is so massive and full of details that I can see people seeing the wrong message.

[peaksandvalleys]

I stayed because I was afraid to go. I was also made out to feel guilty and it worked its magic on me. Honestly, the book "Too Good To Stay, Too Bad to Leave" makes sense of all of this which I'm currently reading. Perhaps it was a mistake to post in the forums here because this story is so huge I think I got way in over my head here.

 

Perhaps I'll refrain from posting anything further from this point on and continue reading my book and seeing my counselor. I just thought this would be a good place to go for some unbiased support. I know that can happen but this story is so massive and full of details that I can see people seeing the wrong message.

 

 

You truly can't expect people on an internet forum to check their biases at the door and support you with only some of a story. As you said there are many details for our lives that we can't possibly post. With that said there are things that I can relate to in your post and others just seem a little strange....like having the second child. Good luck with you counseling.

[sunshinegirl]

Well.... from what you've written it sounds like one of your problems is that you don't set and enforce appropriate boundaries. I hope you are working on that with your counselor. Good luck.

[Nyla]

You married your wife whom you did not love out of obligation. You speak of not receiving any respect from your wife, but it is also clear that you don't respect her AT ALL; it appears that have looked down your wife for a long time. Maybe she made terrible comments about your family because they made fun of her? Most people do not like to be made fun of by a group of people.

 

I think it was foolish of you to get her pregnant and allow yourself to be bullied into marriage. Nobody can force a man to marry a woman, no matter how much they pressure the couple. My cousin likes to say that his first wife "forced" him to get married, but she had every right to expect marriage after ten years and a child. I don't agree with the ultimatums she used but my cousin could have stood his ground.

 

Divorce your wife. You do not have to be married to her in order to be a good father.

[Jim305]

I would feel bad. I would divorce her. I would be a good father. Some people, especially the most sensitive, insecure ones, can't be teased - so don't tease them.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You've got to start taking responsibility for your own foolish decisions...at some point you can only blame the other person for so much, clearly you have your own issues and problems...many people may not agree with me on this but if you're with someone who is like this and makes you miserable than what does that say about you?

 

I'm someone who believes everyone is responsible for their choices and decisions, there are of course things you cannot always know or determine from the beginning however in many many cases people just make their own choices or decisions to ignore those things and because they were being someone who they believe was righteous in their cause they disassociate themselves from any blame and see themselves purely as the victim...well the problem with that philosophy and way of thinking is it completely allows you to continue playing the victim and like the whole world is against you....EVEN THOUGH YOU STILL MAKE THE SAME DAMN RETARDED DECISIONS THAT GOT YOU INTO THE MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

 

So you see, the "excuses" and this that and the other thing...in the end doesn't do anybody any good, doesn't make you happy, doesn't make her happy or your child...think about how your actions speak louder than your words, your words start to mean little.

 

You've got this woman pregnant AGAIN, you had your way out of the marriage and then YOU went back in. You have no reason to blame her at this point, blame yourself, this was your choice just like it was in the beginning and your family is just on the side lines trying to make the best of your choices...you could've cut this woman off a long time ago and been careful about your own birth control, especially if she wasn't on anything...but regardless you took a risk with someone who is missing a few marbles and then you don't ask yourself if you might be missing a few as well.

 

You need to man-up and just take responsibility, make decisive decisions using good judgment and stop playing around with your own life and causing your own hardships...you're already way past the grace period where you can blame her for everything, everyone has their own responsibility to use their own good judgment and sense to get themselves out of a unhappy and destructive relationship, stop acting like a damn helpless child, you're already a grown man in charge of children, so do something about it before you make child number 3.

[srtdeagle84]

This will be my last and final post on this site. I have to say I'm very offended at just about everyone who has responded to my post except for a few.

 

You people aren't professionals and just about every response has been very rude and unhelpful. It was a huge mistake to even post my personal problems looking for a bit of clarity. I was already getting it from other sources but I thought I'd give this site a try to supplement the help I've been getting - what a major mistake.

 

I am not blaming my wife for everything. Sometimes when you vent things can come out that way. I made several mistakes right along with her and I'm man enough to admit that. Truth is, relationships and human emotions are extremely complicated. Your logic may say one thing but your heart says another. It's a constant tug-of-war against the two.

 

If I were to give the entire story it would be 50 times longer than my original post and then maybe perhaps you'd have the right info to make a meaningful response. Rather I just see stuck-up responses so typical of the internet.

 

Hell, even if I posted everything I guarantee I'd still get as$hole responses. Man, you people make me sick. You should read the sh*t you post to people. You don't call people stupid or use insults because you cannot help people solve problems by throwing more right at them. It is counterproductive.

 

I feel sorry for the poor people posting on here looking for help. Instead of help they get steaming pile of sh*t responses so typical of other people trying to feel better about themselves by exploiting the problems of others.

[Els]

On the contrary, I think just about everyone proposed a solution to your problem: File for divorce.

 

Is there a reason this solution is unsatisfactory to you?

[Solcita2]

WOW... surprised to the replies... honestly.

 

I hope you get to read this.

 

There's no point in kicking yourself for what happened or did in the past. I think now you have to think of the future.

 

If you don't file for divorce for your own good, do it thinking about your kids... the home they will grow up in if you two stay together.

I have a friend whose parents hated each other.. trust me, every time I was over their house I would witness some kind of fight between them...

Fast forward... all his relationships ended because he would treat his gf the same way his parents treated each other... sadly he didn't know any other type of relationship...

Now he is married to someone who likes to fight as much as he does... thankfully they want no kids... or this non sense would go on forever.

 

This won't get better... she also needs help... even if you don't file for divorce, I think separation is a must... work on yourselves as individuals before even trying to be together as a couple...

 

If this already reached the point of no return, then, file for divorce and try your best to co-parent with her. It won't be easy, I come from a family where dad's family hated my mom's family... I just recently remembered a lot of **** of my childhood... but kids are not stupid... they eventually grow up and realized... it doesn't matter all the **** they hear about someone, if that someone is always nice and a good person (as my mom's family is) they will know.

 

I'm also sorry for all the problems with your family and your wife, I know being in the middle is no easy... try to be as neutral as possible... ask her not to talk **** about them in front of you and if she does, just walk out and leave her speaking to herself... you don't need to hear it.

 

AND IF YOU WANT YOUR CHILD TO SEE YOUR FAMILY YOU SHOULD HAVE THE FREEDOM TO DO SO.

 

Hope everything gets better and don't listen to the bully, this is a very nice place to be around, I met incredible people here and they literaly saved me in the past.

[darkmoon]

look, she is pregnant, you must have some times that are good that you are not telling of

 

the loyalty to your family is a bit over-stated, fervent, but your wife is entitled to her opinion, they made fun of her which would make me go off them, sorry, but they started the feud

Edited September 23, 2013 by darkmoon