Rhythm Section Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I need some perspective. I just recently started “re” dating (3 months) my high school sweetheart (25 years after). There is quite a history between us. We have dated off and on over the last 25 years, but mostly timing didn’t work out with us. We have probably dated a total of 4 years together. Our last attempt was in 2005. Each time it didn’t work for various reasons. Just out of high school we moved in together, got engaged, but she was unfaithful (with my best friend). Needless to say, that killed the relationship. And it was probably a major factor of the ending of a couple other attempts between over the years. As you can imagine, forgiving and forgetting something like that can be difficult. We also had some timing issues. I think that when I finally got my head around forgiving and forgetting the infidelity, she had two kids, and I was not in a place career-wise to take care of a family. I told myself that I’d never let my career (or lack there of) ever dictate my love life again. So, I got my engineering degree, became successful and one day, by chance, we bumped into each other again. Immediately, everything came rushing back. We spent most days and nights together (one of her children is off at college and the younger boy was away for the summer). About a month ago, she said that we are moving too fast and that even though we’ve known each other for 25 years, I don’t REALLY know the current version of her. I maintained that she was my first and only love and that 25 years doesn’t change anything. I understand wanting to slow things down, but it seems to have come to a screeching halt. Several times when I have asked her to do things, she has said she wants to go, then getting closer to the event expresses a reluctance to go, and all out flakes or uses the “I need some me time” excuse to not go. That’s fine with me, I understand the need for “me time”, I just don’t like finding out an hour before! So, to slow things down, I/we don’t call/text as much, and now that her kid is back, our time together is limited. But it’s been a full week since we actually have spoken (other than texting), two weeks since we hung out with her kid, and 3 weeks since we have been physical. Her texts tend to be short and less frequent. Now, in her defense she has always had difficulties with showing how she cares, but I am not seeing anything at this point that shows me she wants me around. It’s almost like she just keeps texting me to keep me on the hook, as an option. I have pretty much scaled back to only replying to her texts. I don’t initiate, and I don’t ask her out. A couple weeks back, I told her that it’s hard to tell if she wants me to pursue her or not, and that I wasn’t going to ask her out, and that she should let me know if she wants to. I told her if she doesn’t, it’s ok, and that there is nothing wrong with us not “working”. She responded by telling me she wanted to slow it down, but that she wanted to see me that weekend, twice in fact. So now I’m not sure what to think. She texts a few times a day. Doesn’t indicate that she wants to see me, doesn’t indicate she misses me. Basically a pen pal. Also, her hidden facebook status recently removed me. I only found out because my hidden facebook status no longer said who I was in a relationship with. Finally she has a key to my place. Do I ask for my key back? If so, do I tell her why? Or do I tell her I am having some work done at my place? Perhaps that would still send the message? Do I confront her about being distant? Do I have the talk and say, this isn’t working for me and unless I see some sort of effort, I’m out? I have also had some interest from other woman which I have not acted because I care for her. When do I say enough’s enough? Do I give her the ultimatum? Do I go ahead and date and if she finds out then explain? Or do I tell her “I’m not getting what I need out of this relationship, so I am moving on” Or, do I let it linger. Become even more distant, date who I want, when I want, even if it means she finds out. Respond to her texts minimumly, and hope that it’s enough to get her chasing me again. Do I tell her why I am backing off, or just back off?
Philosoraptor Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 My goodness just back off. She comes back as you are safe and familiar, but if after 25 years she doesn't stick around likelyhood of her suddenly realizing that you're "the one" is slim to none. She's noncommittal with you. If you want some sort of long term commitment you need to look somewhere else.
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