Need to tell the whole story

[secondfailure]

Thank you for the conversation tonigt. I know I need ot heal and move on. I know what is happening for the better but it stil hurts becasued I cared for her and her kids... But it takes two and if she feels like its best we not be together then I must accept that

[ChooseTruth]

I don't agree with you here either. Emotional abuse can indeed make someone feel unsafe. If someone is yelling and screaming and calling you names, you don't know how irrational they will get and how far they will go. This goes for men and women, but with women, there is the additional aspect of usually being smaller and weaker.

 

When your ex was being abusive to you, did you never feel unsafe? You never wondered if she was going to grab a knife or do something extreme?

ooooooo I hate this hypocritical view. My ex claimed verbal abuse and such as well. I finally got her to admit (to me in private only) that she yelled just as much but that with me it was "different". Never did I attack her. She hit me on two different occasions, one of them being our 14th wedding anniversary. She also had weapons(being a martial artist) and would bounce around the living room thrashing them around while we talked about things. Another time she pulled out a sword during a fit, a knife another time. On both those last occasions I had to pull the weapons from her hands by force. The knife occasion seemed like it might have been a suicidal thing, but even she said she wasn't sure what her motive was with the sword. Both of those were on the same day.

 

And yet she's always the one claiming I'm going to do something to her. Sexist BS imo. I think the official numbers about women vs men abusers are complete garbage because it's likely that few men report this kind of stuff. Some do though. My father called the police when she attacked him and left him bleeding. They divorced after that. Being a woman doesn't excuse your own actions and give license to claim abuse for whenever you "feel threatened" by a man who has zero history of doing anything wrong.

[M30USA]

ChooseTruth, if you don't mind, I'd like to ask you a few questions:

 

1) Did you have kids w/ ex wife? If so, what is the custody arrangement?

 

2) Am I correct in interpreting that your bio mom attacked your bio dad with knife? If so, did she go on to remarry? What is the nature of her remarriage? Stable or chaotic?

 

3) Who officially ended your former marriage?

Edited September 18, 2013 by M30USA

[ChooseTruth]

ChooseTruth, if you don't mind, I'd like to ask you a few questions:

 

1) Did you have kids w/ ex wife? If so, what is the custody arrangement?

We have an 11 yr old daughter. We share 50/50 custody.

2) Am I correct in interpreting that your bio mom attacked your bio dad with knife? If so, did she go on to remarry? What is the nature of her remarriage? Stable or chaotic?

Actually it was my step-mother with a wire clothes hanger...which I have a hard time picturing...but yeah.

She did remarry a much older man. I believe the marriage is stable so far. My sister just gave me stepmother's phone# yesterday for me to call her. I haven't talked to her in a very long time.

 

3) Who officially ended your former marriage?

We are trying to finalize the D still. I filed (but she had the affair with a MM) and have been the one driving the process. We mediated and there's some sticking points in the final drafting of the financial agreements that will probably go to arbitration with the mediator. The parenting plan has been official for almost a full year and in action for longer than that.

[M30USA]

We have an 11 yr old daughter. We share 50/50 custody.

Actually it was my step-mother with a wire clothes hanger...which I have a hard time picturing...but yeah.

She did remarry a much older man. I believe the marriage is stable so far. My sister just gave me stepmother's phone# yesterday for me to call her. I haven't talked to her in a very long time.

 

We are trying to finalize the D still. I filed (but she had the affair with a MM) and have been the one driving the process. We mediated and there's some sticking points in the final drafting of the financial agreements that will probably go to arbitration with the mediator. The parenting plan has been official for almost a full year and in action for longer than that.

 

At least she could agree on dividing custody time. My ex wanted it all. Full custody with only supervised visitation for me. What kind of good mom would want to rip a perfectly good dad from her kids? It's sick.

[2.50 a gallon]

sf

 

I saw your remark on hayewils thread.

 

Almost everyone posting on this thread has been in your shoes, listen to their advice.

 

After d-day, she was all I could think about and I needed a way to get my mind off of her.

 

As h. says you need to find a way to keep yourself busy. The idea is to find a way to distract your mind, even for a few minutes, then the minutes turn into hours, and later day, weeks and yes years.

 

The first thing that I did was dive back into my hobbies, my Ex disliked the few minutes a day that I had spent on them. Now I could spend hours. I also realized that this was a chance to try others that I had an inkling to try.

 

I failed at growing orchids, but succeeded in learning how to raise rare and hard to breed tropical fish. It took time to get the proper water conditions, and once I had fry, more time raising small fry foods, etc. All of which kept my busy.

 

Looking forward to getting back into the dating scene, I decided it might be a good idea if I was to learn how to cook some gourmet meals. So I bought me cookbook and taught myself. Again, these took more time to prepare than a TV dinner, and I was double rewarded with a great meal, and it wasn't long after I got back into the dating scene that I was able to share my new talents

 

Look inward and find something that has interested you and try it. Some of us get back into exercise, work out, go back to school, me, if I were still a young man and in your shoes I would take salsa lessons, the ladies and the dancing looks hot.

 

What do you want to try? Sky diving, keeping a snake as a pet, learn to ride a motorcycle, photography and do it. You are free to try anything you want.

 

Also, keep in mind h. thoughts on volunteering , food collection for the homeless, library, church, whatever, it is all rewarding and keeps you mind off of your misfortune.

[secondfailure]

sf

 

I saw your remark on hayewils thread.

 

Almost everyone posting on this thread has been in your shoes, listen to their advice.

 

After d-day, she was all I could think about and I needed a way to get my mind off of her.

 

As h. says you need to find a way to keep yourself busy. The idea is to find a way to distract your mind, even for a few minutes, then the minutes turn into hours, and later day, weeks and yes years.

 

The first thing that I did was dive back into my hobbies, my Ex disliked the few minutes a day that I had spent on them. Now I could spend hours. I also realized that this was a chance to try others that I had an inkling to try.

 

I failed at growing orchids, but succeeded in learning how to raise rare and hard to breed tropical fish. It took time to get the proper water conditions, and once I had fry, more time raising small fry foods, etc. All of which kept my busy.

 

Looking forward to getting back into the dating scene, I decided it might be a good idea if I was to learn how to cook some gourmet meals. So I bought me cookbook and taught myself. Again, these took more time to prepare than a TV dinner, and I was double rewarded with a great meal, and it wasn't long after I got back into the dating scene that I was able to share my new talents

 

Look inward and find something that has interested you and try it. Some of us get back into exercise, work out, go back to school, me, if I were still a young man and in your shoes I would take salsa lessons, the ladies and the dancing looks hot.

 

What do you want to try? Sky diving, keeping a snake as a pet, learn to ride a motorcycle, photography and do it. You are free to try anything you want.

 

Also, keep in mind h. thoughts on volunteering , food collection for the homeless, library, church, whatever, it is all rewarding and keeps you mind off of your misfortune.

2.50 (what a name).. I agree with what you have said. I have been looking online at a cooking class at the local community collge... I have amotorcycle and the thing with that is we used to ride it togther so I know hopping back on it will e hard. There is a bike rally this weekend in my hometown so I may go. But we always went togther so I am torn... I know I am not ready to date right now becasue I am a broken man just trying to put all the ppeices back together.... How long have you been separted/divorce. The thing that keep splaying in my head is we had agrred that the separation was just for us to work out our issues. Then bam,.. She says once I got my own place, I like this and I dont have to argue... it was like it was a setup!!!!

[pteromom]

ooooooo I hate this hypocritical view.

 

...

 

Being a woman doesn't excuse your own actions and give license to claim abuse for whenever you "feel threatened" by a man who has zero history of doing anything wrong.

 

Never said it did. In this case though, OP doesn't have a history of doing nothing wrong. He admits he was emotionally abusive.

 

What I said was that both men and women can feel unsafe while being emotionally abused, but that women have the ADDED aspect of typically being smaller and weaker. That's not hypocritical - it's true.

 

Nobody is saying men can't be abused, and nobody is saying a woman can claim abuse by a man who has zero history of doing anything wrong.

 

With the additional info about his ex hitting him, it's pretty obvious there was abuse on both sides. Whether he or she is abusive outside of this relationship, or whether this relationship is just toxic, only the OP and his ex know based on previous relationships.

[2.50 a gallon]

The name came from the price of gas the day I signed up for LS

 

My marriage was over 6 months to the day of our wedding day, and that was 30 years ago.

 

From what I have read of your situation, your are correct it never had a chance. Yes, you might have been over bearing, but from what I have read, your home life, with two of you at odds, over how to parent a blended family, was a fertile valley of frustration, and that it would lead to a continuing escalation of both of you trying to be in control in order to protect your own kids.

 

And yes you might have made some big mistakes, but it also sounds as if she is using them and you are letting her use them as a guilt trip to beat you over the head with.

 

I can think of only 2 reasons to use a guilt trip. To hurt you and to control you. Neither of which are worthy of your consideration.

 

You see your mistakes, use them as lessons learned, as you move on in life.

Edited September 20, 2013 by 2.50 a gallon

[secondfailure]

The name came from the price of gas the day I signed up for LS

 

My marriage was over 6 months to the day of our wedding day, and that was 30 years ago.

 

From what I have read of your situation, your are correct it never had a chance. Yes, you might have been over bearing, but from what I have read, your home life, with two of you at odds, over how to parent a blended family, was a fertile valley of frustration, and that it would lead to a continuing escalation of both of you trying to be in control in order to protect your own kids.

 

And yes you might have made some big mistakes, but it also sounds as if she is using them and you are letting her use them as a guilt trip to beat you over the head with.

 

I can think of only 2 reasons to use a guilt trip. To hurt you and to control you. Neither of which are worthy of your consideration.

 

You see your mistakes, use them as lessons learned, as you move on in life.

 

2.50.. I think once I find a way to stop blaming myself for some of this becaseu she told me she asked should she stay and I said no. She really hurt me when she said she didnt feel safe around me. But she yelled and cursed to. I will be attending my 1st divorce care suport group Tuesday. i ralrely leave the house execpt to go to work.... I do know this will get better.. I just thought she was the one and I told her the kids meant alot to me as well. But to much was said and done to turn backk I guess..