Need to tell the whole story

[secondfailure]

This is long so please read and respond accordingly. My wife of 3 years has left and now I sit here and write to you with eyes full of tears and a broken heart. I love her, and miss her very much. I did no cheat (not that makes a difference) I was a horrible husband for so long. I finally sought help and made drastic changes. she asked should she stay and I said no becasue she said she did not feel safe around me. The reality is she just didn't want to be with me anymore and deal with my temper and loud outburst. I wanted her to be my partner instead of me having to do all of the cooking, cleaning, yardwork, disciplinng the kids. It became too much for me and I lashed out.. After 5 years to hear someone say they don't love you anymore is like a knife in your heart that wont quit its piercing pain. I have no ill will towards her, and understand how she feels. I had no idea how hard it wold be to blend a family. Step-kids are so hard to raise. I didnt take the time to get to know them. I made them do things my way and no other way.

However my pain stems from my abusive behavior. Who was I to think I could take advantage of a beautifl loving women, and act as if she didn't matter. My wife gave her hand to me in marriage, and trusted me to treat her in a way she deserved, and I behaved horribly, it crushed her spirit. I don't know how to forgive my self, I've been trying for weeks can't seem to.

I have been seeing a wonderful therapist who has helped, but she or no one else can remove the pain of the past and present.

Waking up in the middle of the night realizing your all alone, then breaking out in a cold sweat is such a trauamatic thing to go through.

I hope others can learn from my mistakes, and make the necessary change immediatley, if you truly love someone.pain runs deep, and the mistakes of the past can be your worst enemy. I keep thinking "what if" I had behaved as a husbund should have. I had a great thing and blew it. It's hard right now to find love to give to myself. I'm alone for now its just debilitating.

I know I'm a good man, and I deserve to be loved and have so much more to give in return. The pain is so overwhelming. I have to stop now, going into hysteric mode for a while.

It pains me to know how much I hurt someone, I am not the same person I used to be, thanks to therapy and a great willingness to change, and my wife knows it, but she is not willing to take a chance of being hurt again. I love my wife so much, and the realization that she can't trust or love me is heartbreaking. My wife married me and trusted me to take care of her, and instead I was passive agressive, harsh, and menatlly cruel. What gives anyone the right to treat another person that way. I've asked God and my wife for forgiveness, and believe I have been, however not being trusted puts your life in a whole other world, and for that I am having a hard time forgiving myself. The Bible makes it clear " we reap what we sow, sow with a view to the flesh and we reap corruption sow with a view to the spirit and we reap love' ( something like that} I am trying to cope but it is difficult without my loved ones here. You go to bed with it on yur mind , get some sleep with the use of some good meds from my doc, then you have to wake up with the realization of whats happened, and it hangs on like a bad coat. Please tell me how I can forgive myself and learn to move forward. I know she had some fault in this but I cant help but think all of it is my fault.. She said I turned her into a cold women.. Plesase help me undertand all of this..

[M30USA]

This is long so please read and respond accordingly. My wife of 3 years has left and now I sit here and write to you with eyes full of tears and a broken heart. I love her, and miss her very much. I did no cheat (not that makes a difference) I was a horrible husband for so long. I finally sought help and made drastic changes. she asked should she stay and I said no becasue she said she did not feel safe around me. The reality is she just didn't want to be with me anymore and deal with my temper and loud outburst. I wanted her to be my partner instead of me having to do all of the cooking, cleaning, yardwork, disciplinng the kids. It became too much for me and I lashed out.. After 5 years to hear someone say they don't love you anymore is like a knife in your heart that wont quit its piercing pain. I have no ill will towards her, and understand how she feels. I had no idea how hard it wold be to blend a family. Step-kids are so hard to raise. I didnt take the time to get to know them. I made them do things my way and no other way.

However my pain stems from my abusive behavior. Who was I to think I could take advantage of a beautifl loving women, and act as if she didn't matter. My wife gave her hand to me in marriage, and trusted me to treat her in a way she deserved, and I behaved horribly, it crushed her spirit. I don't know how to forgive my self, I've been trying for weeks can't seem to.

I have been seeing a wonderful therapist who has helped, but she or no one else can remove the pain of the past and present.

Waking up in the middle of the night realizing your all alone, then breaking out in a cold sweat is such a trauamatic thing to go through.

I hope others can learn from my mistakes, and make the necessary change immediatley, if you truly love someone.pain runs deep, and the mistakes of the past can be your worst enemy. I keep thinking "what if" I had behaved as a husbund should have. I had a great thing and blew it. It's hard right now to find love to give to myself. I'm alone for now its just debilitating.

I know I'm a good man, and I deserve to be loved and have so much more to give in return. The pain is so overwhelming. I have to stop now, going into hysteric mode for a while.

It pains me to know how much I hurt someone, I am not the same person I used to be, thanks to therapy and a great willingness to change, and my wife knows it, but she is not willing to take a chance of being hurt again. I love my wife so much, and the realization that she can't trust or love me is heartbreaking. My wife married me and trusted me to take care of her, and instead I was passive agressive, harsh, and menatlly cruel. What gives anyone the right to treat another person that way. I've asked God and my wife for forgiveness, and believe I have been, however not being trusted puts your life in a whole other world, and for that I am having a hard time forgiving myself. The Bible makes it clear " we reap what we sow, sow with a view to the flesh and we reap corruption sow with a view to the spirit and we reap love' ( something like that} I am trying to cope but it is difficult without my loved ones here. You go to bed with it on yur mind , get some sleep with the use of some good meds from my doc, then you have to wake up with the realization of whats happened, and it hangs on like a bad coat. Please tell me how I can forgive myself and learn to move forward. I know she had some fault in this but I cant help but think all of it is my fault.. She said I turned her into a cold women.. Plesase help me undertand all of this..

 

Lashing out is always wrong. But your comment about how the purpose of your marriage was for you to take care of her does concern me since it clearly sounds like nobody was taking care of you. She left all the responsibilities of daily life to you. No man can or should handle that. Too many women expect this because they've been sold a bill of goods and are entitled. You are a man, you have feelings and need to be cared for too. Don't beat yourself up.

Edited September 18, 2013 by M30USA

[secondfailure]

Lashing out is always wrong. But your comment about how the purpose of your marriage was for you to take care of her does concern me since it clearly sounds like nobody was taking care of you. She left all the responsibilities of daily life to you. No man can or should handle that. Too many women expect this because they've been sold a bill of goods and are entitled. You are a man, you have feelings and need to be cared for too. Don't beat yourself up.

 

 

All of my frinds and even one of our mutual friends have said the exact same thing. But I cant help but beat myself up becasue I feel like that should not be a reason to end a marriage... On Friday she told me to date other people becdasue she is... I dont know if that is true or if she is still angry with me.. But I dont really care about that. I just feel so bad becasue I feel like my temper caused all of tjhis. Like I said, I wirk hard, I sent flowers took her on trips always asked if she needed anything before I came home from work. Hell, I efven did all of the grocery shopping. Everyine tells me she had it too good but she was my queen and that what I was supposed ot do. Then she kust stopped doing eveything and I git so upset.... sigh...

[pteromom]

Like I said, I wirk hard, I sent flowers took her on trips always asked if she needed anything before I came home from work. Hell, I efven did all of the grocery shopping. Everyine tells me she had it too good but she was my queen and that what I was supposed ot do. Then she kust stopped doing eveything and I git so upset.... sigh...

 

All of this can be erased by cruel words. I don't know what you mean by you "lashed out", but verbal and/or physical abuse kills feelings.

 

Once an abused person gets the guts to leave, they are usually GONE.

 

The only way you might be able to win her back is to show her how serious you are about changing. Not through flowers and sweet words, but through going to a counselor to learn anger management - then showing the new, improved you.

[secondfailure]

Pmom - When I lashed out, I yelled at her and the kids. I would come home to a house that loked like a mess. I had to cut the grass and do all the chores. You are right. I do not think she is coming back. We dont even talk except to sever bank accounts. It has been 3 weks since she moved out. It hurts but I just want to learn to be a better man or person. and I have been going to counseling. I have 5 more weeks to go and I will be attending divorce care as well.. I feel bad becaseu this is my 2nd divorce..... So now I will make myself figure out who I am and what I want in life. Although I long for affection and conversation, I must work on myself.

[M30USA]

All of my frinds and even one of our mutual friends have said the exact same thing. But I cant help but beat myself up becasue I feel like that should not be a reason to end a marriage... On Friday she told me to date other people becdasue she is... I dont know if that is true or if she is still angry with me.. But I dont really care about that. I just feel so bad becasue I feel like my temper caused all of tjhis. Like I said, I wirk hard, I sent flowers took her on trips always asked if she needed anything before I came home from work. Hell, I efven did all of the grocery shopping. Everyine tells me she had it too good but she was my queen and that what I was supposed ot do. Then she kust stopped doing eveything and I git so upset.... sigh...

 

Sounds like she married you BECAUSE you feel guilty for your shortcomings and BECAUSE you believe that a failed relationship is YOUR fault. This is classic chemistry. She wanted to be taken care of like a child. There's a reason why you felt so bent out of shape: you were carrying the relationship and got burned out. I'll say it again: stop beating yourself up.

[pteromom]

Pmom - When I lashed out, I yelled at her and the kids. I would come home to a house that loked like a mess. I had to cut the grass and do all the chores.

 

I am not saying she did no wrong. But housework is something you discuss and negotiate... it's not an excuse to demean someone.

 

I am glad you are seeing a counselor. Your plan for working on yourself is a good one. I hope you are able to heal and get through this.

[pteromom]

Sounds like she married you BECAUSE you feel guilty for your shortcomings and BECAUSE you believe that a failed relationship is YOUR fault.

 

I don't get that out of his story at all.

 

It sounds like he was distant from her children and didn't want to get close to them and yelled at them, and she finally gave up and quit taking care of the house. He became even more cruel and she left.

 

Not that I think secondfailure should beat himself up or feel guilty, because that doesn't solve anything. It's a learning experience and he's doing all the right things.

[GuyInLimbo]

I don't understand your comment "Help me understand this." What else do you need? You wrote it all out yourself and it's all pretty clear what happened.

 

You're not a bad person and I commend you for seeking therapy. Right now, concentrate on that. There are obviously some deep-seeded issues you need to address and it's not going to happen overnight or in a month. It's going to take a lot of time and reflection.

 

Despite everyone else here saying positive things about showing her a new you, I'm not as hopeful. Why? You didn't treat her kids well. And, frankly, that would be a permanent deal-breaker for me - and I imagine for her.

 

But, I agree with the rest: you deserve to be loved and cared for. You are not a bad person. You're just someone whose inner demons got you into a hole. How do you fix that? You work and work and work on yourself. Right now, you're in the early stages of grief. It's painful for sure. I'm not going to pretend to know since I haven't been in such a situation. But it's clear you're reeling and it's great that you're getting help.

[M30USA]

Once an abused person gets the guts to leave, they are usually GONE.

 

While that sounds good, I haven't found that to be the case from experience and observation--at least with regard to women. Abused women seem to usually STAY with true abusers. It's a paradox I will never understand.

[pteromom]

While that sounds good, I haven't found that to be the case from experience and observation--at least with regard to women. Abused women seem to usually STAY with true abusers. It's a paradox I will never understand.

 

Oh, I do agree that women tend to stay with abusers. But once they finally get the courage to leave, they usually stay gone.

 

There are exceptions, of course.

[secondfailure]

Pmom. I loved those boys. i didt take the time to talk with them and tell them my expectzations about how I do things. And on a side note, she did admit that for so long she did everything on her own she went over baord when I came along. But again we both made mistakes. I just wanted to try and make thjings right.. When she made that comment that she didnt feel safe around me with her son, that hurt myu feelings. I was the one who picked him up from school, took him to school, helped with homework, was teaching him how to drive.... But I understand..

[M30USA]

Pmom. I loved those boys. i didt take the time to talk with them and tell them my expectzations about how I do things. And on a side note, she did admit that for so long she did everything on her own she went over baord when I came along. But again we both made mistakes. I just wanted to try and make thjings right.. When she made that comment that she didnt feel safe around me with her son, that hurt myu feelings. I was the one who picked him up from school, took him to school, helped with homework, was teaching him how to drive.... But I understand..

 

Buddy, anybody can say they "don't feel safe" around you if they want. This isn't necessarily a statement about you; it can equally be a statement about her. How do I know this? Because in my ex-wife's court testimony regarding her assault of me, she said she shouldn't have struck me but rather should have "called for help". Help from what? She was repeatedly the abusuve one. Yet she masterfully reversed the guilt onto me and wanted to paint a picture in the court's eyes that SHE was still the victim. So unless you've given true reason for her to not feel safe, don't but into it. Lashing out is wrong, but that is completely different than showing a history of putting your spouse in an unsafe situation. Have you EVER turned physical or threatened her to warrant such an "unsafe" claim?

[pteromom]

Lashing out is wrong, but that is completely different than showing a history of putting your spouse in an unsafe situation. Have you EVER turned physical or threatened her to warrant such an "unsafe" claim?

 

I don't agree with you here either. Emotional abuse can indeed make someone feel unsafe. If someone is yelling and screaming and calling you names, you don't know how irrational they will get and how far they will go. This goes for men and women, but with women, there is the additional aspect of usually being smaller and weaker.

 

When your ex was being abusive to you, did you never feel unsafe? You never wondered if she was going to grab a knife or do something extreme?

[M30USA]

When your ex was being abusive to you, did you never feel unsafe? You never wondered if she was going to grab a knife or do something extreme?

 

At first I mostly felt humiliation and emasculation by her abuse. Then once the wooden plank came out, it crossed a line that didnt want to make me hang around and see what was next.

Edited September 18, 2013 by M30USA

[pteromom]

At first I mostly felt humiliation and emasculation by her abuse. Then once the wooden plank came out, it crossed a line that didnt want to make me hang around and see what was next.

 

Yeah, that will do it.

 

It can be different for men and women though. Can you imagine that your ex wife was a 200 pound guy and you were a 120 pound woman, and she was screaming the same things at you that she did? Can you see how you might feel unsafe?

[M30USA]

Yeah, that will do it.

 

It can be different for men and women though. Can you imagine that your ex wife was a 200 pound guy and you were a 120 pound woman, and she was screaming the same things at you that she did? Can you see how you might feel unsafe?

 

Fair enough.

 

But I do recall reading stats which showed that, while women are slightly less likely to abuse their male spouse than vice versa, women are more likely to inflict actual death/fatality on their spouses than man are. Same thing applies to children and killing one's own children.

[secondfailure]

Not going to lie. She would hit me and I would grab her and put her on the florr. It was few and far between.. Let me give you the reason why she said that. About two years ago her oldest son (17) at the time was fussing at her when I came home. I asked him to calm down but he kept asking questions when I said enough is enough... So I told him if he kept it up we were going ot have a problem. He kept it up and I told him to get out. She chased behind him. We go pass that part. Then a fw mknths ago the youngest (14) got into an arument with his frind. He was demstrating what happend on me and he walked me back about 10 feet int the fridge. My natural reaction was to grab him and walk him back about 5 feet and aksed him to calm down. She saw the entire thing. She jumps ou and tells me not to put my hands on her somne. So I demonstrated what he did and what I did on her and she says that was abuse. I have never put my hands on her kids. I yelled at them. I aologized to her and him but ti be hinest she never got over it . Like I said I acceot my part in this. I just need the courage and strength to not beat myself up about it anymore...

[M30USA]

Not going to lie. She would hit me and I would grab her and put her on the florr. It was few and far between.. Let me give you the reason why she said that. About two years ago her oldest son (17) at the time was fussing at her when I came home. I asked him to calm down but he kept asking questions when I said enough is enough... So I told him if he kept it up we were going ot have a problem. He kept it up and I told him to get out. She chased behind him. We go pass that part. Then a fw mknths ago the youngest (14) got into an arument with his frind. He was demstrating what happend on me and he walked me back about 10 feet int the fridge. My natural reaction was to grab him and walk him back about 5 feet and aksed him to calm down. She saw the entire thing. She jumps ou and tells me not to put my hands on her somne. So I demonstrated what he did and what I did on her and she says that was abuse. I have never put my hands on her kids. I yelled at them. I aologized to her and him but ti be hinest she never got over it . Like I said I acceot my part in this. I just need the courage and strength to not beat myself up about it anymore...

 

On top of everything else I've said, she also clearly undermines your discipline (albeit rough) of your kid. There was clearly no abuse going on and her comment to "not lay a hand on her son" is therefore exaggerated and unwarranted. If anything it suggests to your son that he CAN behave in such a way because ultimately she will support him. Not good. Kids grow up with problems that way.

[secondfailure]

On top of everything else I've said, she also clearly undermines your discipline (albeit rough) of your kid. There was clearly no abuse going on and her comment to "not lay a hand on her son" is therefore exaggerated and unwarranted. If anything it suggests to your son that he CAN behave in such a way because ultimately she will support him. Not good. Kids grow up with problems that way.

 

 

M, I would fuss at her son for not cleaning up and she turned around and yelled at my daughter for no reason. Looking back we were doomed from the start. And my mother-n-law told me that the plan was when we got married that were were going to build a house for her sand my father-in-law to live in the basement. I was like WTH???? Like I said, I know this marriage was not ideal. I just thought we could have worked it out.... I think a major part of me hates to be alone too

[M30USA]

And my mother-n-law told me that the plan was when we got married that were were going to build a house for her sand my father-in-law to live in the basement. I was like WTH????

 

Sounds like my ex marriage. MIL/FIL basically would make plans for my life long-term without me even knowing. They were going to train my kids to do such and such for a living, they had already planned turning my garage into a guest house (for them of course), and I had to routinely do interior renovations of my own home based on the plans that my MIL/FIL had decides upon with my ex--without me even knowing. At my child's school open house, I overheard my ex FIL saying, "WE are gonna have these kids attend this school up until graduation." Since my ex has primary, I can't decide where they go to school so basically my ex FIL/MIL are deciding those things now. Yep, you had your hands full, buddy. Sounds like she was spoiled too. That's why your ex is the way she is. Spoiled kids make rotten adults.

Edited September 18, 2013 by M30USA

[secondfailure]

On top of everything else I've said, she also clearly undermines your discipline (albeit rough) of your kid. There was clearly no abuse going on and her comment to "not lay a hand on her son" is therefore exaggerated and unwarranted. If anything it suggests to your son that he CAN behave in such a way because ultimately she will support him. Not good. Kids grow up with problems that way.

 

Sounds like my ex marriage. MIL/FIL basically would make plans for my life long-term without me even knowing. They were going to train my kids to do such and such for a living, they had already planned turning my garage into a guest house (for them of course), and I had to routinely do interior renovations of my own home based on the plans that my MIL/FIL had decides upon with my ex--without me even knowing. Yep, you had your hands full, buddy. Sounds like she was spoiled too. That's why your ex is the way she is. Spoiled kids make rotten adults.

 

OMG!! True story. One of my good female frinds that I went to college went went to the same hair salon as my STBXW. She told me the hair dresser who knwoms me as well said I am supried tey lasted as long as they did bnecasue she is spoiled. I would take to the hair salon and pick her up. WOW. Man I need ot pay attention to the signs ...

[M30USA]

OMG!! True story. One of my good female frinds that I went to college went went to the same hair salon as my STBXW. She told me the hair dresser who knwoms me as well said I am supried tey lasted as long as they did bnecasue she is spoiled. I would take to the hair salon and pick her up. WOW. Man I need ot pay attention to the signs ...

 

Well, you're learning. As am I. Better late than never.

[secondfailure]

So how did you lern to stop feeling guilty?

[M30USA]

So how did you lern to stop feeling guilty?

 

It's not that you stop feeling guilty. Everyone is human and everyone makes mistakes. It's just that you stop blaming yourself for things that she chose to do. And, even though you both surely had faults, sometimes there can still be a significant imbalance of faults; one person can be causing the bulk of the problems. Ironically it's usually the person who feels MOST guilty that is doing the lesser share of damage to relationship. Truly selfish people feel no guilt. So it goes, so it goes.

Edited September 18, 2013 by M30USA