Should I be worried?

[O59]

Ok so here's my story..

I went to Canada for a year and ended up meeting an Australian guy who I instantly got on with really well. But because he was going back to Australia in like three months of us meeting he did not want it to turn into anything serious. We were basically seeing each other but non officially as he was trying not to get too attached. Unfortunately it was too late for me and I couldn't ignore my feelings. So he left in April and needless to say I was devastated. We tried to move on but stayed in contact and it never really ended. We skyped a lot and I suggested I went to Australia. He thought this idea was insane!

 

So it was August and I was about to come home when he says that maybe I should actually go to Australia. And when I actually got back to the uk he told me he loved me. So just one month later and my flight is booked for December. We are going to give it a go. There's just one thing I'm a bit worried about...

I asked if we were "in a relationship" now or if it will become official when I arrive. And he wants to wait until I get there ... He said its not because he wants to be with anyone else but because he wants to call me his girlfriend when I'm actually there next to him. Should I be worried that he is free to hook up with people until I get there? I trust him but if we aren't official...

I hope you guys understand what I'm blabbering on about.

 

I love this guy and I'm aware it's a big risk moving there but I have to give it a try.

[justwhoiam]

I asked if we were "in a relationship" now or if it will become official when I arrive. And he wants to wait until I get there ... He said its not because he wants to be with anyone else but because he wants to call me his girlfriend when I'm actually there next to him. Should I be worried that he is free to hook up with people until I get there?

No, not really. I don't think that's the reason why he wants to wait. Maybe he wants that moment to take place when you're together in person. Maybe he's planning for it. Relax. And start planning for your trip!!!

[ThisGal]

You're uprooting your life to be with a man who does not even want to make it official? Are you nuts?? He has not made it exclusive, he tells you to wait but what if you get there and still nothing...? Why the heck should you have to wait for him to decide whether or not he likes you enough to be in a committed relationship with you. Sounds backwards to me. You're leaving family and friends behind for a man who you were just basically sex buddies with for a few months who still refuses to make you his gf. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense lol. You should be worried. You're getting played.

 

Listen, when a man cares about you he will want to make it official as soon as possible. He does not want other men to possibly take you away, he wants you all to himself, he wants to claim you as his woman right away because he doesn't want a good thing to go. He doesn't want you thinking he isn't interested. He would be scared to lose you.

 

Why in the world should you have to wait on his answer? Don't put him on a pedestal. Your life is just as important. It's either he wants you or not. You shouldn't have to make such a life-changing decision for someone who is pretty much unsure about you. If he's unsure now, he will still be unsure when you get there, nothing is going to change his mind.

 

To be quite honest, his excuse about why he hasn't pursued you is bull crap. How you two being too distant, him not wanting to get too attached was nothing but petty excuses. If he was truly interested in you he would have tried the distance because he cares, not continue to sleep with you, lead you on, make you fall for him, then go "well thanks for the sex, have a safe flight back home. Nice meeting ya. We can Skype and chat sometimes. Adios!" Yeah, he's leading you on. He misled you. I am sure there are other questionable behaviors from him that you're trying to deny. If you had not offered to move to him he would have never made any effort to see you again.

 

Good luck with your move. No man is ever worth uprooting without a serious commitment and that's marriage (at the very least an engagement ring).

 

If by "move" you mean a visit, temporary move, then fine, go for it, but if you mean a permanent move then you're making a big mistake. Very foolish. Either way, it's a big decision and one not worth over an indecisive man.

Edited September 19, 2013 by ThisGal

[ExpatInItaly]

Ok so here's my story..

I went to Canada for a year and ended up meeting an Australian guy who I instantly got on with really well. But because he was going back to Australia in like three months of us meeting he did not want it to turn into anything serious. We were basically seeing each other but non officially as he was trying not to get too attached. Unfortunately it was too late for me and I couldn't ignore my feelings. So he left in April and needless to say I was devastated. We tried to move on but stayed in contact and it never really ended. We skyped a lot and I suggested I went to Australia. He thought this idea was insane!

 

So it was August and I was about to come home when he says that maybe I should actually go to Australia. And when I actually got back to the uk he told me he loved me. So just one month later and my flight is booked for December. We are going to give it a go. There's just one thing I'm a bit worried about...

I asked if we were "in a relationship" now or if it will become official when I arrive. And he wants to wait until I get there ... He said its not because he wants to be with anyone else but because he wants to call me his girlfriend when I'm actually there next to him. Should I be worried that he is free to hook up with people until I get there? I trust him but if we aren't official...

I hope you guys understand what I'm blabbering on about.

 

I love this guy and I'm aware it's a big risk moving there but I have to give it a try.

 

Yes. You're not official and he hasn't made you any promises. Realistically, he could see other people. Tread very cautiously with this...

[Solcita2]

Let's see if I understood correctly...

 

He asked you to go to Australia to be with him but he is not exclusive with you right now... maybe he's not seeing anybody but at the same time he wants to leave the door open "just in case"...

 

In the other hand, you are going to another country for a guy who doesn't like you enough to be exclusive with you... You are leaving your country to be with someone who likes to have an open door...

 

Am I understanding things correctly? Because if I do, girl, please... read it again and again and again until you realize by yourself...

[Million.to.1]

My boyfriend moved from the other side of the world and we weren't "official" until he was here. That being said, neither of us were with anyone else after he decided to make the big jump. Our situation was very similar to yours. Met traveling for a couple of months, went to our separate ends of the world, stayed in touch, etc....

 

He could just be nervous about explaining to people a GF that's a LDR. people are quite judgmental about the validity of LDR's. what do you mean by "official" anyway? exclusivity? .. because that should be mandatory. Facebook official? Can you elaborate?

 

I would ask him out-right if he is saying sexually loyal to you and you alone. It's only fair, since you are moving a long way to be with him.

 

 

You are in for a big ride O59. I hope you are ready. Do you have a plan? An escape route? Are you and him prepared for what's ahead? I presume you are going on a working holiday visa? for 1 year? what if you want to stay after that? What's your work plan? will you live with him? Do you know anyone else there? Are all your friends going to be just his friends? How are you going to establish your own networks etc? Have you discussed any of this?

 

My BF and i are very VERY happy. But we talked ALOT about everything before the big move, our expectations, our personal aspirations, dreams, kids, values, immigration, you name it. we had a plan from the start, and coping methods in place. It was still challenging at times and still is. He misses his family and friends very much, and all sorts of things...

 

Be prepared, is all i can say. Good luck.

[nomadic_butterfly]

It's unwise to uproot your life without knowing for sure if you will even like Australia to live. Granted it appears to be a beautiful place and the weather is amazing, but this is a REALLY SERIOUS decision; one that I and a lot of other people would not make without a solid commitment first. Visit each other some more before committing to that. I can understand people who have been with someone a considerable amount of time doing this but for someone that it wasn't even serious enough to be exclusive, that's a bit much.

 

I would take it a bit further and say I wouldn't move across the world without being engaged first. If I did otherwise, it would be because the location is awesome for my career, maybe a school I'd like to go to is already there, etc.

 

Why don't you just talk to him? Tell him you can respect that but you want to make sure you both agree not to be seeing anyone else in the mean time. That is a reasonable compromise given you are going to leave all who and that you know FOR HIM. And please make sure he is making some sacrifices too; it's a two way street.

 

You are braver than I am but then again I tend to make more rational decisions in love despite how I may feel. I've learned the hard way!

 

Think about what you have to give up and what you may stand to lose if God forbid it doesn't work out. You don't even know how you two will function in a committed relationship dynamic. Anyway, I hope it all works out honey!

 

Ok so here's my story..

I went to Canada for a year and ended up meeting an Australian guy who I instantly got on with really well. But because he was going back to Australia in like three months of us meeting he did not want it to turn into anything serious. We were basically seeing each other but non officially as he was trying not to get too attached. Unfortunately it was too late for me and I couldn't ignore my feelings. So he left in April and needless to say I was devastated. We tried to move on but stayed in contact and it never really ended. We skyped a lot and I suggested I went to Australia. He thought this idea was insane!

 

So it was August and I was about to come home when he says that maybe I should actually go to Australia. And when I actually got back to the uk he told me he loved me. So just one month later and my flight is booked for December. We are going to give it a go. There's just one thing I'm a bit worried about...

I asked if we were "in a relationship" now or if it will become official when I arrive. And he wants to wait until I get there ... He said its not because he wants to be with anyone else but because he wants to call me his girlfriend when I'm actually there next to him. Should I be worried that he is free to hook up with people until I get there? I trust him but if we aren't official...

I hope you guys understand what I'm blabbering on about.

 

I love this guy and I'm aware it's a big risk moving there but I have to give it a try.

Edited September 19, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly

[Million.to.1]

I would take it a bit further and say I wouldn't move across the world without being engaged first. If I did otherwise, it would be because the location is awesome for my career, maybe a school I'd like to go to is already there, etc.

 

 

that's a catch 22 situation. How can you get engaged to someone on the other side of the world you spend no real time with except for skype? I would call anyone an idiot for getting engaged just to justify a move.

 

OP and her man just need to be on the same page about the future. Have a well thought-out plan and understand it may not work out and be responsible for their own decisions. We don't know their plan completely. Visa's and immagration will play a huge part, and if her BF freaks out if she mentions this, then she shouldn't go.

 

Too many people told me it was too risky. Screw them. I'm in love and it's working out fine. Those people who say don't take risks and are overly cautious will live their beige lives.

one just needs an open mind and an open heart, accept that it will be challenging and take it all step by step.

 

worse would be never going, and never knowing.

[ThisGal]

that's a catch 22 situation. How can you get engaged to someone on the other side of the world you spend no real time with except for skype? I would call anyone an idiot for getting engaged just to justify a move.

 

Too many people told me it was too risky. Screw them. I'm in love and it's working out fine. Those people who say don't take risks and are overly cautious will live their beige lives.

one just needs an open mind and an open heart, accept that it will be challenging and take it all step by step.

 

worse would be never going, and never knowing.

 

There is a significant difference between your situation and hers. YOUR GUY MOVED TO YOU! You did not move to be with him. It's easy for you to say since you weren't the one to uproot your life.

 

I don't care how 'unfair' it may seem, but women should not move permanently to me with a man, he should be the one to make the move. It's more dangerous for women to be in an unfamiliar territory. She should only move if he's her husband or husband-to-be.

 

And as for your other question, yes, it is possible to be engaged. She should spend more time getting to know him. Which means, more visits. Keep visiting each other, both can pitch in for the traveling cost. Do the back-and-forth visits as often as you can to get to know each other very well also well as non-stop communication; calls, text, emails, etc. That's how it's possible.

[nomadic_butterfly]

I meant if they had a solid real life foundation first and then got engaged. They would have spent a decent amount of time together before departure, agreed marriage is imminent then move. Not, be FWB for three months and then just get engaged to appease her and sway into leaving everything she knows for him .

 

But you are absolutely correct. They need to have heavy conversations first as you did with your honey to see if they have the same goals, ideals, plans, how the other person handles issues individually, the ability to work out issues as a team, and once more, what the relationship dynamic is in a serious committed relationship and not just solely great sexual chemistry.

 

I think it is silly to knock people for certain things. Just because one may not want/or is able to do something personally doesn't mean everyone will have the same fate. I am kinda in a little thing now I would never have gotten into if I knew initially take this long for us to be able to meet; he was supposed to be here by now but the whole immigration/visa complexities. This will be my first and last attempt at anything like this as it is just not ideal for my personality type and I need stability at this point. I learned that I am such a hands on person in every aspect of my life and we have never met yet in real life before (hence the term "situation" and not "relationship") so it still seems a bit unreal to me until real-life confirmation comes into play. We will however meet nearby where visas wont be an issue within a few months and by next summer he will definitely be here.

 

that's a catch 22 situation. How can you get engaged to someone on the other side of the world you spend no real time with except for skype? I would call anyone an idiot for getting engaged just to justify a move.

 

OP and her man just need to be on the same page about the future. Have a well thought-out plan and understand it may not work out and be responsible for their own decisions. We don't know their plan completely. Visa's and immagration will play a huge part, and if her BF freaks out if she mentions this, then she shouldn't go.

 

Too many people told me it was too risky. Screw them. I'm in love and it's working out fine. Those people who say don't take risks and are overly cautious will live their beige lives.

one just needs an open mind and an open heart, accept that it will be challenging and take it all step by step.

 

worse would be never going, and never knowing.

[Carenth]

I'm Australian and about to uproot to Canada to be with my girlfriend.

 

My girlfriend and I were not official until we had met in person last year however our situation is different from yours in that you two actually spent time together before hand.

 

How long are you planning to go to Australia for? Is it just a holiday or more long term I could give you some info depending on what part of Australia you are moving to.

 

Either way if you are planning to immigrate here you best be thinking about that sooner rather than later. Our country just voted in one of the most conservative governments in a generation and they are planning to make it much harder for people to move here (it's already hard enough hence why I'm moving to Canada and not the other way around). I'm not engaged to my girlfriend either am I making a mistake?

[ThisGal]

I'm not engaged to my girlfriend either am I making a mistake?

 

You're a man making the move (as should be). You'll be alright

[Million.to.1]

It shouldn't be about what gender "should" make the move. man should move, woman shouldn't. That's weird.

The decision should be made with consideration on both individual situations. I couldn't get a working holiday visa for canada since I'm over 30, which mean i wouldn't have been about to work if I had gone to him. He could get one for here till he was 35, so that decided for us.

 

Yes it's easier not being the one to make have made the initial move. But just like any cross continent relationship, there will still be big decisions and changes for us both to make in the future. Career opportunities, having a family, buying a house... it just goes on. Once you are "together" in the same place, all those issues don't just go away. One person is still separated from their friends/family/networks and will feel isolated at times. The other will feel pressure to make everything perfect for this person who has made such a sacrifice for them.

 

All you can do is communicate without fear. Leave no surprises. Be open about your expectations and take responsibility for your own decisions for your own life.

[Carenth]

Million.to.1 I couldn't agree more and that is how we came to the decision as well. Whilst I do make more money than my girlfriend (some people I know argued this as a factor for her to come here). The field of work I'm in is pretty flexible so I should be able to pick something up on the other side.

 

The main factor is though if she came here on a working Visa she would be very restricted in what work she can do. She would not be able to work in her profession at all. Whilst vice versa I can go over there and work in any industry without restriction bar a few which don't apply to me anyway.

 

If I live there for more than 12 months with her that will open doors for us to apply for different visas on both sides if I decide to stay or we decide to go back to Australia.

 

I don't agree it should be the guy who moves I think that is silly. There is many factors in deciding who moves it's not just as simple as gender. However I do agree that in most cases someone will have to move if you want the relationship to have any chance of surviving. Most people can not do long distance relationships forever or without some sort of end in sight on the horizon.

Edited September 23, 2013 by Carenth

[Million.to.1]

Million.to.1 I couldn't agree more and that is how we came to the decision as well. Whilst I do make more money than my girlfriend (some people I know argued this as a factor for her to come here). The field of work I'm in is pretty flexible so I should be able to pick something up on the other side.

 

The main factor is though if she came here on a working Visa she would be very restricted in what work she can do. She would not be able to work in her profession at all. Whilst vice versa I can go over there and work in any industry without restriction bar a few which don't apply to me anyway.

 

If I live there for more than 12 months with her that will open doors for us to apply for different visas on both sides if I decide to stay or we decide to go back to Australia.

 

I don't agree it should be the guy who moves I think that is silly. There is many factors in deciding who moves it's not just as simple as gender. However I do agree that in most cases someone will have to move if you want the relationship to have any chance of surviving. Most people can not do long distance relationships forever or without some sort of end in sight on the horizon.

 

Absolutely. Visas and immigration should be throughly investigated from both ends before making any decision. Jobs too.

Me and my BF are in the same position. It would be very difficult for me to work in my industry there, while he can work in his, here.

I think people who say things like "man should move, period" have underlying personal insecurity issues, which would be validated by the idea of someone else making the move for them. And also, probably have no real life experience themselves with this sort of massive thing.

 

It really is a case by case situation. There are no rules.

 

How are you going with your big plans anyway Carenth?

Edited September 25, 2013 by Million.to.1

[Carenth]

My plans are going good. I've pretty much got everything sorted besides a few minor things. Although I'm a little upset at the moment as my mother decided to get into a fight with me yesterday.

 

Basically questioning everything about my relationship. Implying that my girlfriend isn't good enough for me or as committed because I'm moving for her and she isn't moving for me. I explained that we had looked at all the options and this was the one that made the most sense. She kept repeating why isn't she the one moving until I told her to stop and this was not up for discussion.

 

I know it's just really starting to hit home for her that I am really going as I have booked my tickets and such. Still it's kind of sad I don't have her blessings and I could never tell my girlfriend what she said it would make her very sad.

 

She got along well with my girlfriend while she was here.

 

Either way that isn't going to stop me going but bleh.

[TMichaels]

Carenth,

 

Glad to hear that your plans are going well. Sorry to hear that your mother is giving you static.

 

Who's to say that the two of you won't decide to "come back home" at some point in time -- whether that be for visits or permanently?

 

Along those lines, have you thought about scheduling a trip back home? Maybe for the holidays? Is there any way you and your g/f might be able to swing that financially?

 

If your mother knew that and had something to look forward to in that regard maybe she'd be less upset about your move. Just a thought...

 

Best,

TMichaels

[O59]

My boyfriend moved from the other side of the world and we weren't "official" until he was here. That being said, neither of us were with anyone else after he decided to make the big jump. Our situation was very similar to yours. Met traveling for a couple of months, went to our separate ends of the world, stayed in touch, etc....

 

He could just be nervous about explaining to people a GF that's a LDR. people are quite judgmental about the validity of LDR's. what do you mean by "official" anyway? exclusivity? .. because that should be mandatory. Facebook official? Can you elaborate?

 

I would ask him out-right if he is saying sexually loyal to you and you alone. It's only fair, since you are moving a long way to be with him.

 

You are in for a big ride O59. I hope you are ready. Do you have a plan? An escape route? Are you and him prepared for what's ahead? I presume you are going on a working holiday visa? for 1 year? what if you want to stay after that? What's your work plan? will you live with him? Do you know anyone else there? Are all your friends going to be just his friends? How are you going to establish your own networks etc? Have you discussed any of this?

 

My BF and i are very VERY happy. But we talked ALOT about everything before the big move, our expectations, our personal aspirations, dreams, kids, values, immigration, you name it. we had a plan from the start, and coping methods in place. It was still challenging at times and still is. He misses his family and friends very much, and all sorts of things...

 

Be prepared, is all i can say. Good luck.

 

I did end up asking him and made him aware that I wanted him to not be with anyone else and he's happy to do that for me.

 

We've discussed the living together thing and decided its best we live separately to begin with at least. There's already going to be a lot of pressure on us without not being able to have our own space. I want to establish my own friends network for sure and he's incredibly encouraging about that. I play a lot of sports here so hope to join some teams and make some friends that way.

 

Yeah I've got a one year working holiday visa... If its going well il apply for a second year. And at the end of that.. Well we will have to work that out if we get that far.

[O59]

I'm Australian and about to uproot to Canada to be with my girlfriend.

 

My girlfriend and I were not official until we had met in person last year however our situation is different from yours in that you two actually spent time together before hand.

 

How long are you planning to go to Australia for? Is it just a holiday or more long term I could give you some info depending on what part of Australia you are moving to.

 

Either way if you are planning to immigrate here you best be thinking about that sooner rather than later. Our country just voted in one of the most conservative governments in a generation and they are planning to make it much harder for people to move here (it's already hard enough hence why I'm moving to Canada and not the other way around). I'm not engaged to my girlfriend either am I making a mistake?

 

I'm planning on a year with a working holiday visa. Il be working in Sydney to start with and then I don't really know what my plan is after that. I've always dreamed of going to Australia anyway so it's just good timing with where I am in my life.

 

I don't think getting engaged is anything to do with moving to be with someone.

[Carenth]

Not sure if you are aware or not but Sydney is the most expensive city in Australia and ranked one of the most expensive in the world as well. Especially in terms of rental affordability.

 

Also for a second year in Australias working visa program you have to go work on farms, not because we need people working on farms. Just a way for the government to get people to leave really...

[Million.to.1]

We've discussed the living together thing and decided its best we live separately to begin with at least. There's already going to be a lot of pressure on us without not being able to have our own space.

 

Right. So, what happens after 1 year? Say, you're madly in love and you want to stay?

Have you looked into what your options would be after that time? are you going to get a working visa? a partnership sponsored visa? what's your plan?

 

Do you do something special for work where you could get sponsored by the a company to stay after your visa is up?

 

Not sure what the partnership Visa process is in Australia, but can't imagine it's that different from here in NZ, so i know it's not easy and there is alot you both have to do and prove to even apply. And one thing is living together for 12 months, and being able to prove it. So if you don't live together, then after your 12 month working holiday visa is up, you'll have to leave, because you won't have the visa requirements to even apply for one.

How else are you going to accumulate the 12 months of residing together unless you start the day you arrive?

[Carenth]

One of the mandatory requirements is living together for 12 months. So that along with the expense of renting in Australia. I'm not sure you guys have really thought this through much or if you are going to be that serious?

 

That is why i'll be living with my girlfriend so we have that option if we so choose when it comes to that. Australian Spousal/Common Law Partner visas are pretty bloody strict. They won't even consider it a legitimate relationship unless you are living together as a minimum.

 

Also I should note, I'm not trying to be overly negative on purpose. I'm about to do what you are planning to do but in reverse moving to Canada from Australia. My partner and I have put a lot of thought into how we are going to approach this. The last thing we would want would to have all of this planning and potential future together stuffed up because we were lax with visa requirements etc.

 

Nothing would be worse I think than us living together getting on great. Then being pulled apart because we can't get the appropriate visas.

Edited October 3, 2013 by Carenth