I'm torturing myself with my ex. Just want her back.

[lewisburn]

So my ex of 3 and a half years left me 3 months ago and i haven't been able to let her go. I found out she slept with a guy a day after we broke up and i accused her of cheating on me. The first month of the breakup was really messy. We lived together so i told her to leave immediate. After about a week of not talking she sends me a text telling me she misses her best friend. I send her a response that to sum it up basically said that im not her best friend and that people don't do this to people they care about. I eventually apologized for the email and she responded saying that she wanted to see me. So we saw each other and she tells me she no longer seeing anyone. She apologized for everything she did to me and that sleeping with that guy was a huge mistake. I ask her if its crazy that i want her back and she said no. For some reason as soon as she said she had stop seeing the other guy i started to pursue her in hopes we could give our relationship another chance. I feel betrayed and hurt but im still madly in love with her. She wanted to be friends at first and whenever we'd try to hang out as friends i would ask her to give our relationship another chance and she would say things like "you never know what the future holds," "maybe in four years" and "its only been a month" to which i would reply " then i don't think we could be friends." Every time i told her a friendship was not possible she would start to cry and walk away. Losing her as a friend felt just as bad so i would always call her and apologize and tell her we could try to be friends.

 

Under the presumption that were just friends we've ended up hooking up twice and sleeping/cuddling for several nights. I've been such a lost cause through all this. We'll sleep together and after a few days i'll ask her why we cant give us another chance and she just tells me that she loves me and cares about me but isn't in love with me. Throughout the last week iv'e sent her love songs through text and told her how much i miss her expecting never to see her again yet still holding on the false hope that we'll be together again someday. Last night she invited me over to stay the night under the conditions that i wouldn't get weird and ask for her back. She been making remarks about how we wont get back together yet is still very intimate with me. She wants me to have dinner with her tonight and sleep over. I feel like I'm being totally used but she also seems like she might have genuine feeling for me. Every time i'm with i'm split between feeling at home with her and feeling insecure that this will never lead into something that i want. I've been playing it cool the last couple of nights with her and have tried really hard not to let my emotions get in the way of us having a good time.

 

Has anyone ever been in a situation where something like this has reunited two ex's or am i just ruining my chances at a second chance by continuing this friends with benefits deal? Is there any chance i could turn this around to make her want to be with me again?

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

Im sorry for your pain. But you know that you know the answer to your question.

 

You cannot make anyone love you again. How about trying to love yourself? Because no one who is allowing himself to be subject to so much insane behavior clearly has no self love.

 

When you begin to treat yourself with respect, she will come to respect you.

 

Good luck.

[KeepItBoosted]

Dude, your killing yourself...slowly tying a noose around your neck. My ex lead me on like this for 2 months. We were together for 5 years, she said we needed a break one night. She kept reassuring me it was for her to find herself. Did the same thing you did, hung out, slept together, dinner, etc. Only difference is she was saying how much this is helping her and strengthening our relationship, and she was ready to recommit. Well I find out she's been sleeping with multiple people all while telling me this. Your succubus is giving it to you straight, she does not want you. Sorry man, I know it's rough but she's emotionally with someone else while using you physically...scratch that she is physically and emotionally with someone else. She's keeping you there in case it either doesn't work out or for her own personal amusement. If you want to continue like the Offspring song Self Esteem then continue what you are doing, only eventually you'll end up in the friend zone permanently. Go NC immediately, just delete everything! You don't have to say a word to her, you are doing this for yourself. Thats the only thing thats going to help you. Don't think about getting her back, you won't, she's been done with you. As bad as it's going to hurt, come to grips with the fact that it is over and done. Do you really want this person in your life anyway, so easily tempted and willing to end it? Seriously take a long hard look at what she is doing to you, it's not right.

Edited September 18, 2013 by KeepItBoosted

[Recovered]

Hi LewisBurn.

 

Your situation sounds very tough.

 

But honestly, I have to say that by letting her use you, you're making it a lot rougher on yourself now and in the future.

 

No one here can tell you what your ex wants. And my guess is that she doesn't really know herself... at least not consciously.

 

But what she wants doesn't really matter at this point. Her actions are what's important. And here's what she's done:

 

- she broke up with you

- she was sleeping with another guy a day after the breakup (and before as well?)

- she says she loves you "but not in that way"

 

Those are all unequivocally clear actions to signal the end of a relationship.

 

All the rest is just her easing out of the relationship. She wants some of the benefits of the relationship with you, but still doesn’t really want to actually get back together. Snuggling with you, missing her "best friend", sleeping with you.. all that is her using you to feel better about herself, to transition into a life without you, and get whatever benefits she wants without having to commit to a real relationship.

 

And by allowing her to do it, you're making yourself a prisoner of the vicissitudes of her new life, and it's going to hurt you more and more.

 

I know it’s hard to resist her, because you want so much to be back together, and you think that maybe if you’re really perfect to her and do everything she wants, then you’ll get back together.

 

But it's just causing you pain now, the final end will be even worse when it finally does come, it's destroying your self-confidence and self-respect, and it's prolonging the healing process.

 

Also, ask yourself: how much you really do want her back after what she's revealed about herself by putting you through all this? Is it really her you want? Or is it just the pain of rejection that's driving you?

 

Also, there's an curious phenomenon known as "hysterical bonding", which takes over after you find out your partner has been with another person. For a man in particular, it can really be overwhelming. Hard to say from the little you write, but it sounds a bit like the drive for that might have hit you as well.

 

Bottom line:

I really, really strongly recommend that you cut all contact immediately. And my guess is most posters here will agree with that.

 

If she wants you back, she needs to do the work to make a full reconciliation and to start a new, real relationship. Anything less is just cruel, manipulative, and is leaving you feeling much, much worse.

 

You don't even need to announce to her that you're starting no-contact. If you really think about, it’s kind of odd to contact someone in order to announce that you’re not going to contact them, no?

 

Actions speak louder than words: just stop contact. Let her figure out that you’ve started no-contact, and let her deal with the void that it creates.

 

But if you really want to let her know, then I'd suggest at most a very brief, impersonal sms. Something like: "Hi yyy. This has all been tough for me. I’m going to be taking time for myself now, so I won’t be contacting you for a while. Best wishes."

 

To the extent that you and she will ever be together again, no contact now is the best way to achieve it. It'll save you more pain, it'll save your self-respect, it'll force her to realize what she's lost.

 

But it's really, really important to remember: no contact is for YOU. It’s not to make your ex- miss you, it’s not a strategy to get her back. It’s for YOU and YOUR healing. She broke the partnership that you had, so there is no more team. It’s all about YOU. And no contact is to help YOU heal.

 

I think you already know most of this and are just writing here as a last grasp at a hope you know has gone. That's fine - we all are in that position when it happens. But I think it's now time to face reality, stop the push-pull drama, focus on yourself, and gradually begin the healing process.

 

The rejection hurts so much and you'll have many bad days, but gradually little by little, you'll heal... and I guarantee you'll end up as a stronger, more confident person than you're feeling right now

[lewisburn]

I think the worst thing about all this is the thought that while she's doing all this with me she could be out getting physical with other guys. I told her when we were hooking up that i didn't want to do this if she was involved with anyone else and she told me she's not. I never really leaves the back of my mind but i hate acting like the jealous type. I brought this up to her two more times and she reaffirmed that she's not seeing anyone. During our relationship i never suspected her of anything but during the last week of our relationship i felt like she was acting distant and cold. When i see her now she isn't that way. I'd also hate to think that the only reason she's hanging out with me is to use me for comfort to get over the breakup. I've read that when people go through long relationships there's an emotional bond between the two people that lasts even after the separation. There must of been only four nights we spent apart during our entire relationship. We still haven't gone a week without contacting each other post breakup. It's so hard to let her go. She was my first love and the person i thought i would spend the rest of my life with. She would even say that there was nothing that would ever break us up. Its so easy to talk to her and fall into the same cycle when im in her company. I've told myself multiple times to stop contacting her but it destroys me to think i just have to chalk this up as a failed relationship and walk away. She really was my best friend and i feel like she has unconsciously treated me like garbage during this whole breakup.

 

Two days ago she sent me a message at 3 in the morning that said " maybe through all of this im the one who has borderline personality disorder." In the first year of the relationship i told her that i have borderline personality and that i would understand if she didn't want to be with me but she stuck by my side regardless. It's why this is all so hard because she was always there for me. Even now she says she cares about me and hopes nothing but the best for me. She tells me im a good person and that i shouldn't want to be with her and that i deserve way better. We weren't the most emotionally healthy couple but we cared for each other immensely and i still do. Its so hard to picture her completely out of my life.

[destroyed4sho]

classic GIGS

[SuperGeek]

yeah classic GIGS.

 

Bro, you need to NOT be friends with her, and you need to STOP sleeping with her. DO NOT cuddle with her either. You're just going to keep hurting yourself. I rarely ever tell another guy to pass on sex, but bro, you shouldn't have sex with her man. Your head isn't right.

 

I had this exact same problem when my ex put me through a divorce. Wishy washy behavior that totally screwed with my head. Going NC, getting laid by another woman, and TIME was the solution!

 

At this point, she can lie right to your face and tell you she's not banging any other guys. Don't be naive and belive her dude! Do you really think she's going to admit to you at this point what she's doing with other guys in her private time?

 

You were with her for 3 years and so if she's not 100% committed to you, don't believe a DAMN THING she says.

 

Good luck bro

Edited September 19, 2013 by SuperGeek

[Chi townD]

Dude, 3.5 years and then the day after (literally less than 24 hrs) she screwing someone else. Dude, that tells me that she was cheating on you while in the relationship with you. She developed a relationship with this guy and felt comfortable enough to take it to the next level. However, she needed to get you out of the picture in order to do that so she can jump in the sack with this guy with as little as guilt as possible.

 

But, it sounds like that this dude just hit it and quit it. However, the ILYBINILWY speech she gave you tells me that she's still hung up on this guy.

 

So, what is she doing right now? She's using you. You are taking care of her emotional needs as well as her physical needs whenever SHE needs it. But, make no mistake! She's on the prowl for your replacement. Perhaps she hoping that the guy she had sex with will come to his senses and want to enter a relationship with her. And when that happens, she's kicking you to the curb.

 

Dude, time to run. Heal and move on from this.

[Downtown]

In the first year of the relationship i told her that i have borderline personality.

Lewis, were you diagnosed as having BPD by a psychologist or psychiatrist? Are you now in a treatment program (such as DBT) that teaches you how to better manage your emotions, how to do self soothing, and how to intellectually challenge your intense feelings so you can avoid black-white thinking?

[lewisburn]

Thank all of you guys, sincerely. I went to her house last night and while hanging out with her i couldn't help thinking what she could be doing behind my back regardless of what she tells me. Once the trust is broken its gone forever. I left her house but acted like i just needed to go. I didn't confront her or get emotional. I realize more than ever that i just need to accept it and lose all false hope. She's a different person now and its not the person i fell in love with. I plan on going no contact but i know she'll eventually try to get a hold of me. Before when i didn't contact her for 2 days and she text me saying she misses me, so now i don't know what to expect. It hurts to feel so used but i guess its better that i initiate no contact rather than have her finally excuse me out of her life. I'm sure that would hurt even more and has always been the outcome that im afraid of. Best to end it on my terms. Losing that hope is making feel pretty hopeless about everything in general. It's depressing seeing my life without her. A month before we broke up she started wearing a promise ring to show her commitment to me. Its weird how things can change in a moments notice. Its like she was so madly in love with me and then it instantly disappeared. Thank you all for giving a straight answer.

[lewisburn]

She called me last night around 10:30, then texted " hey what are you up to?" and then called again. I wanted to pick up because i knew she would invite me over but i didn't. I'm feeling considerably depressed about losing her completely. Is there any way that anyone can see this working out between us? I know i should just move on but what are my chances if i just ignore her?Should i keep ignoring her no matter what?

[hurts2death]

yeah keep it at it.....

 

stay strong

 

john

[GTNBTTR]

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. I know advice is much easier to give then to follow. Continue NC, stay strong, and heal yourself. You will think much more clear once you are not being controlled by your emotions.

[lewisburn]

The unfortunate truth is that i know she cheated on me within the last two weeks we were still together. That's when all the changes in her attitude started. It was in that period of time that she told me she wasn't in love with me as much as she used to be and that she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me. I tried to prove to her that i was worth it but i got to a breaking point. I told it was too hard on me knowing that she might not want to be with me and i said to make it easier on her " lets just say that we're done." I left for two days after that and came back to find that she was planning on moving out. I told her that " I feel like iv'e been fighting for you so much and i cant stand to lose you." She walked away, then came back to tell me that even though it feels weird right now we could give it another chance. Later that day while she was at work i called her and she just said it was over.

 

From the start i wish i would have left it alone but she was such an important part of my life for three years and losing that was devastating. Everybody told me to just wait two weeks and she would be back. She would always mention how much she loved me to her friends and that we would never break up. She doesn't seem to know what she wants.

 

My question is why would someone even want to hang out with me or keep me in there life after i sent her so many text calling her a dishonest lying cheater? sometimes i would have almost preferred that she just blocked me out of her life completely.

[GTNBTTR]

If I recall correctly you two were on a break when she slept with another guy? If so, she may have still had feelings for you when she did that. That would make her feel guilty and in a way maybe think she did do you wrong.

[lewisburn]

I know she felt guilty. She has said sorry so many times and the worst part is that was all im left with. She tells me she made a big mistake with this guy but she has no intentions of reconciling our relationship. All she wants out of this is a friendship because she keeps saying i was her best friend. I don't want to be just her friend.

 

This is a classic gigs scenario and i didn't realize it until i posted on this forum. The month before the breakup she was asking me if it would be weird if she proposed to me and then she started wearing a ring. I know im not ready to get married but i knew i wanted to be with her. It wasn't about stringing her along i just wanted to be more secure with what i was doing in life. Then she breaks up with me and starts a fling with her coworker who had a girlfriend and a baby. I know she's still attracted to him so i feel like im fighting a losing battle.

 

I still haven't called her back but iv'e had multiple moments where i least wanted to text her and explain to her that i just needed some space. There's a part of me that feels if i don't say anything she'll never want anything to do with me ever. I hope she realizes what we had. I feel like maybe she actually realized the grass is greener. At what point should i stop ignoring her or should i just carry on like this without her? More than anything how do i stop thinking about her? So many things remind me of her. We did everything together for 3 years.