Young couple corrupted through cheating, Need ...

[atreides]

Once again, Thanks guys. Here's some responses that I have and some new information from our current talk that happened over the past hour.

 

 

 

She confessed to me. There were many signs of it that I was too gullible to understand prior, but she confesses. She felt guilty, I think. She claimed she used protection however she had gotten checked for STD's and the like and has none. Thankfully.

 

 

 

Understood. Thanks for the words.

 

 

Guys, over the past hour I've had a really compelling conversation with her. I finall felt the remorse from her. She called the other guy in front of me and told him that it was over/not going to see each other anymore/no longer friends. The other guy was, to be honest, quite nonchalant about it like 'whatever.' This made me feel comfortable knowing that it seems like he doesnt really care all too much. Player.. I guess.

 

We had a great conversation about what had truly happened, drinking...she gave into temptation... she was upset with our relationship and how lonely she was. And I do understand this -- we have no one, there's no family for either of us, no friends for either of us. And I was consumed with work and missed her birthdays/anniversary. I understand her point of being lonely, but of course this is no excuse and I made sure to tell her that.

 

She cried and cried, and I let out many emotions. I am not sure how how it will be possible to get over the fact that she ****ed a guy 7 times and im supposed to be sexual with her in the future. OR how I can possibly trust her again. These things have hurt our relationship for the next 5-10+ years.

 

BUT I think I can finally confirm that she DOES indeed want to change and DOES love me and want me back. I dont know.. maybe I am a gullible sucker, but... from this past conversation, things are breaking loose... I finally want to help her. I want to be her teammate...

 

I still dont know how to approach the work situation, it's kinda... messed up, I'd rather her transfer to a different store and just start fresh... but we will see what comes up in the next days.

 

Regardless of what happens, you guys have played a more important role than you know. I've been able to ask her questions based off your feedback and the questions have streamlined this process forward.

 

It's great that she is remorseful, but the reason i was so blunt before is that you have no kids, no large amount of assets to get tangled up in and your age. To be honest, some of her crying is because she loses the OM and some for what she has done to you. That is just what happens when they fall for the other person. She clearly stated "he is in love with me" I guarantee some of those tears are for that ending at that moment. She was hurt by him being "nonchalant" and like "whatever" coming from "being in love with"

I honestly have no bias in this, thank G_d i have neither partaken or received infidelity but many family members have, my best friends and co-workers.

You do love her, but you can fall in love again as you are too young to have to endure this drama so early in life. She is going to retain feelings for the other guy, trust me. It will be a while.

There are other great girls out there whom wont give you all this grief. Excuses don't matter, "lonely" mad at the relationship and so on. in my 15 years my wife and i have had some serious hard times, but we communicated are issues, many times via arguments but we always knew where we stood and didn't go run out and f someone. Sorry that is just my opinion when i hear excuses.

 

That is where i am coming from... best of luck.

Edited September 19, 2013 by atreides

[bubbaganoosh]

P.J.

 

Her working with that guy is a serious no no. The last thing you want her to do is be around that OM. I know, one more problem that you don't need but in order for her to make good on her remorse is not to have anything at all to do with him. The temptation will be there and I know you don't want to here this but even though she called the guy and said it's over, well those are words and you can't guarantee yourself that it's the truth if there going to be seeing each other at work. Don't allow this to happen. Right now you have the right to make the rules and she has the obligation to live with them if she really wants your marriage to work.

[aliveagain]

You need to choose job or marriage, she f**ked up the job when she gave herself to co-worker. They can't work together, that's a consequence of infidelity. Another possible option is having her agree to a postnuptial agreement, if you divorce because of another infidelity you get the majority of the assets(80/20 split) and she walks away. Think hard, tell her what you need to feel safe because it's going to take you years before you trust her again. No one held a gun to her head, she gave herself freely, that's the hard part to get over and some of us don't.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Choices are yours to make and live with the consequences good or ill.

 

That said, we are here to give our perspectives and though you know your wife, or thought you did, or think you do, many posters on the board are much older and have a wider perspective.

 

Make up sex is great but you will still be angry at the deceit and have every reason to distrust. I still say, leave, just leave.

[drifter777]

...

We had a great conversation about what had truly happened, drinking...she gave into temptation... she was upset with our relationship and how lonely she was.

 

She cried and cried, and I let out many emotions. I am not sure how how it will be possible to get over the fact that she ****ed a guy 7 times and im supposed to be sexual with her in the future. OR how I can possibly trust her again. These things have hurt our relationship for the next 5-10+ years.

 

BUT I think I can finally confirm that she DOES indeed want to change and DOES love me and want me back. I dont know.. maybe I am a gullible sucker, but...

All of this is so sad - I'm sorry you are living this hell. I highlighted some of the issues you really have to consider. Being upset about your relationship and lonely are the excuses many women use for cheating. While these things are probably true, it is not a reason to cheat. Cheating is wrong and the easy and cowardly way to deal relationship problems.

 

You may never get over the fact that your wife had sex with another guy. Over the next few weeks you are going to learn more details about how many times and when and where because she is withholding all of these facts now. She thinks you won't find these things out, and she will hide anything she doesn't think can be verified. But, one way or another much of the awful truth will come out. And you may never trust her again - at least the kind of trust you had before she cheated.

 

You don't have kids and you are both so young there is really no reason to put yourselves through all of this painful drama. Your marriage didn't work and if you face this fact now and divorce you will save yourself countless painful hours of trying to live with what she has done. You are believing everything she says about being sorry and whatever because you are afraid of losing her. You don't want to start over and you are used to being with her. These are not reasons for reconciliation. You need to have confidence in yourself and make decisions with your future in mind. Staying with her and hoping that time will heal this wound will not work.

 

You're not going to listen to a word of this now. Maybe when the images of her screwing the other guy creep into your mind over and over without warning you will see all this for what it is. I hope you do before she does it again or you waste too much of your life trying to forget something that is impossible to forget.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

You are making a huge mistake in the way you are going about this.

 

Cheaters are good liars. You can't go by what she says.

 

Bad sign: She confessed to you the other day, but only called to end it with him tonight.

 

Write this down and put it in your wallet for when it comes back to bite you in the butt: AS LONG AS SHE WORKS WITH HIM, THERE WILL BE NO TRUE RECONCILIATION. She has to quit the job, that chain, entirely, not just transfer to another store. HOW IMPORTANT IS YOUR MARRIAGE? MORE IMPORTANT THAN HER SMALL SALARY?

 

She has done so very little for you to forgive her. It is easy to cry and say words. That is all she has done. Let her quit the job and give up her cell phone for three months. Is three months without a cell phone going to drive her insane? Any more so than you will be going insane wondering whether or not she is talking to him?

 

Whatever was said on the phone last night will be easily undone in person at work tomorrow. He will be telling her, "I had to act that way so your husband thought I didn't love you, but I really do." She will be telling him, "I KNEW it. I love you, too, but I feel bad about hurting my husband, he's done so much for me. I love him, but I'm "in love" with you."

 

Your wife didn't screw this guy so many times because of alcohol or sexual pleasure. She was "in love" with this guy, or at least very, very deeply "in like" with him.

 

My point is, if you are going to reconcile, do it right. Get this guy out of your lives and MAKE SURE HE'S GONE. She gets rid of the cell phone. She shares your email. She gives up all passwords. SHE QUITS THE JOB. She shouldn't even go in to work, she should just call up and quit. AND SAY WHY.

[Ebelskiver]

She needs to quit the job ASAP. At 20 it's not like she's vested in the company and making a huge salary or anything, she can get another job, paying the same in short order.

 

All the stuff about "teaching her a lesson" makes me uncomfortable. You are not her father and she is not some wayward child. You are both SO young, people your ages make mistakes....it's part of growing up. She will learn her own lesson.

 

If you decide to stay together, and I don't see why you shouldn't at least try. You BOTH need to go to couples counseling. Individual counseling would be great as well. And I know you are mentally strong.....but there isn't a person on this planet who wouldn't benefit from counseling. It is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength. It is recognizing that you don't have all the answers.

 

Things are broken in your marriage. Yes she f'ed up. Nothing excuses her actions, but you didn't celebrate/forgot her b-day and anniversary? That would make me feel alone and unappreciated too. You likely took her for granted. THIS DOES NOT EXCUSE HER CHEATING!!!!! But, it helps to understand where she is coming from. And this is where couples counseling can be a boon.

 

Good luck.

[happysong]

Hi all...

 

Here is our back story: I am 24 years old, she is 20 years old. We are about two years and a half into our marriage. We both work retail 40 hr week jobs currently, and I go to school. As you can imagine, our relationship has had some hard times with the amount of work we are putting into our lives. One thing to note is that we both are non-drinkers, non-smokers, so this is key for the story.

 

This brings me to the problem: Roughly 6 months ago, she started to have serious problems. She needed comfort, mental or emotional comfort. With me stressing through work 45+ hours a week and school I was not always able to be there for her. At last, she gave into temptation. She found a guy at work who took her out for drinks (she actually got drunk with him... something she's never done in front of me) and as you may have guessed.. ****ed him. She had an emotional and physical affair for the past 5 months. She told me that he said he was 'in love with her' about 4 weeks ago.

 

She told me all this this past week. I completely am in shock and torment. My stomach is completely twisted, it's hard to breathe at times, it's all thats been on my mind. I DONT know what to do or how to proceed. I have trouble talking to anyone about it because I have no one and I don't want to talk about it to work mates.

 

I've talked to her many times, I've threatened to kick her out/leave her, I've told her as far as im concerned we are currently over, and that unless she makes some drastic changes we will be officially over. I told her she needs to earn everything back... but I dont know if that will even work.

 

She claims shes ****ed this guy 7 times while drinking with him at his house. I don't know if I can get over this.

 

When I asked her what the situation was right now she claims that they don't really talk at the moment and it's kinda 'not a big deal.' I flipped out, asking her what the **** was her plan when she confessed all this, asking her what she is going to do with this guy that she now brought into my life. She didn't have an answer.

 

I had to spell it out for her.

 

Told her I did not want this guy a part of her or my life ever again. I told her to eliminate contact with him. So far, she's been slow to do it in my eyes. I DONT like how she has responded to the problems and my questions. She responds what seems to be truthful answers, but half ass answers.

 

I don't want to leave her and kick her.. truth be told. I honestly need her to learn her lesson and change, which she hasn't been able to do for the past year.

 

I feel that she has been blaming me the entire time of the affair, saying I haven't been here for her while I work for a roof over the top of our heads and pay for her f***ing another guy...

 

The good news is that she has made some minor changes in the past two days. Visibly, I can see she is somewhat remorseful at least. She claims to want to change, she claims to love me, she claims that she will end all connections and allow me to enter her social life. She has cleaned the house finally, done dishes, set me up with a few surprise breakfasts.

 

Im torn. I can easily end this tonight by telling her I don't ever want to see her again. I would almost feel good doing this. Feel good that its off my plate and done with, and just... move on...

 

But, that's not what my heart wants. My heart wants her, i love her, and I want her to change and be honest and just... learn...

 

I want to believe that it was the drinks combined with the anti-depressants that she had been taking during those months that contributed to her downfall and not the fact that she needed another man.

 

I know that I will heal immediately faster if I ended our relationship, but I worry about ending it too soon without really fighting.

 

 

It hurts so much, more than I've ever been hurt and I am not sure how to proceed, whats your suggestion??

Well good luck to you if you don't want to leave her and kick her out. Just buy a ton of tissue paper to wipe your tears for many years to come. My advice though, Just don't kiss her on her lips after she went out. Who knows she maybe just gave her boyfriend a nice lollipop, swallowed it and didn't even bother to wash her mouth after all.

Edited September 20, 2013 by happysong

[PJcheats]

Guys,

 

I wanted to take a moment to respond to some of your thoughtful and less thoughtful comments.

 

Ebel, thank you for the advice.

 

Here is where we are at now: We've had plenty of conversations. She's voiced her deep problems with me, how I did nothing for anniversary's and birthdays, how she became sick/depressed and I did not do anything, and so on. I understand this. It was as if I was in a work daze where all I did was work on myself (I guess working 45ish hours a week and school can do that to me). I can see the fault in my ways previously and I deeply feel bad for allowing myself to let that happen.

 

However it's no excuse here and I've made sure to let that be known.

 

I've told her family about this incident, her friend(s). This hurt her a lot. She is not known to drink or cheat or be like this. She's a church girl... Her family means a lot to her and they may have done more than I could to 'teach her a lesson.'

 

She's cut off contact with the other man (well.. y'know, from what I can tell), and I do feel semi-confident that she has the strength to tell him no if he try's to re-enter into our lives. I'll have to work on this some more.

 

She's deleted her facebook, I've also deleted mine - so I can spend more time with this situation, it's not like I used FB much anyway. I have access to her cell phone.

 

Work is difficult. Many of you say it is a necessity that she quits. But... we need money and the other man is no longer with the current store. Yeah, I've suggested to her to transfer, but at the end of the day - come April 2014, we are going to move away anyway. We just need to save money for this time. I understand, there's risk involved. But the way I look at it is very simple, if she's going to cheat again in the future, it's not really going to matter if I tell her to quit her job, or look at her phone 24/7. These types of limitations are only good for the 10% that they possibly catch the cheater in action. What I need out of this is to regain trust by her being who she was and can be. If I've made her lonely and depressed enough to drink, destroy her values that she held so dearly to her, then that's a major problem. I feel like, in this situation, where she is 20 years old, has no one else around, and where I am 24 years old, I have no one else but her, it's a must that we at least seek out strength in each other and start fresh.

 

Am I oblivious to the fact of 'once a cheater, always a cheater?' Of course not. I see themes of problems in the way she is, but she is still growing, she is still young. A relationship goes both ways and I feel if I am there for her, she will be able to be a happy, loving, caring, value-oriented person. And guess what? If it happens again, I'll know my easy answer and won't even have to post a thread here before I take action.

 

What's said has been said, the hardest part now is starting our relationship fresh and me getting over the facts of what has happened. The future can be bright, I don't see why not.

 

I want to thank you guys, once again, for what you do. The service provided here is what makes the internet a beautiful place. All of your words were read and contemplated on.