How did you get a deadline? (Timeline)

[LilGirlandOW]

So, I tried bridging the subject with MM. He is convinced that we are a couple, we see eachother alot and talk/text from morning to night. Business as usual.

 

So we got talking, I told him that the last couple days (even though we've had lots and lots of contact) that I feel lonely.... especially at night, which is strange cause my xH and I very rarely shared a bed... we had a very unromantic M. Plus the best sleeps I've had this past year are when MM and I slept in eachothers arms. Anyways, so I tell him that. He starts listing all the things he's doing/planning to do to "get out" of his present M.

 

I am the BIGGEST rug sweeper, non-pusher that ever existed I think, so it was left at that. No timeline, just what needs to happen first. I agree with the "list" as I dont want him to auto-move into my house, and IF we are to be together full-time I absolutely dont want it to be because I hurried him or made him, etc. I love the care-free time we spend together, and I dont want it to turn into stress because of a countdown to deadline.

 

I love what we have as of right now, he does everything to make me know I'm his "romantic priority", I know he doesnt see BS as a romantic interest. That part is all very obvious and open.

 

So we are slowly starting to mix finances, , I'm helping him get into the position he needs to be career wise to be able to afford to leave without depending on my help.

 

Anyways, enough babbling. So I will just plain walk before I give him an ultimatum. How did OW?OM get a date from WS about when he would leave BS for you?

 

I think a big problem we have is we seem to have it amazing right now, we spend so much, almost too much time together as it is. We're monogamous. Have 100% of eachothers trust. Its all about us. There is no him&her, its him&I... somehow we seem to just get closer and closer... The only problem, and I'm still trying to decide how big of a problem it really is, is that he lives with her. I live in a 4bdrm house. Asked MM how he would feel if I took in a male boarder (I never would just used it as bait/comparison), I asked him how it would feel if I was living with a man.... even as a roommate like he and BS. He says he trusts me more than anybody he's ever trusted in his life, so that would be fine. Bahhhh, he has it too good somedays, lol.

 

So I would LOVE to figure out a way to get him to offer up a timeline. He has a checklist, but that could obviously take the rest of his life. He's the happiest he's ever been has everything he's worked for, gets to be with his kids daily, and has the best OW gf that ever existed (I'm basically a sexy sheep, lol, fawwk).

 

note: when A started, I was just leaving my M and didnt want anything too serious other than a BF, so him leaving his M was only discussed on his part, cause he wanted out.

[threelaurels]

You cannot get him to offer up a timeline. It's something he has to do himself. Indirectly trying to get him to offer one up isn't going to work. If you cannot approach this issue directly with him, your relationship isn't as open and honest as you think.

 

The first thing he needs to do is talk to a lawyer. He needs to know how much the divorce is likely going to cost him, what requirements need to be met, if he has to be legally separated from her for a certain amount of time before filing, etc.

 

If he mixes finances with you before the divorce, he's going to be screwed so hard by his wife's forensic accountant that it isn't even funny. Trying to hide assets in a divorce is sonething that he can get sent to jail for.

[LilGirlandOW]

You cannot get him to offer up a timeline. It's something he has to do himself. Indirectly trying to get him to offer one up isn't going to work. If you cannot approach this issue directly with him, your relationship isn't as open and honest as you think.

 

......................

 

If he mixes finances with you before the divorce, he's going to be screwed so hard by his wife's forensic accountant that it isn't even funny. Trying to hide assets in a divorce is sonething that he can get sent to jail for.

 

I know I could lay it out there and with him set something up. We are very open & honest.... I mean in an A setting thats one of the few things you can share and expect (at least for us) MY thing is, I don't wanna get caught up pressuring him. I dont want things to go sour, as everything seems great right now.

 

The finances we mix are money making ventures, which is 100% in my control, my name, etc... for that reason, although we both spend the $, as its an extra income. We are really good business partners as well. Although if he walked today all of that would be mine, as his name, etc is left out of most of it

Edited May 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[yellowmaverick]

So, I tried bridging the subject with MM. He is convinced that we are a couple, we see eachother alot and talk/text from morning to night. Business as usual.

 

So we got talking, I told him that the last couple days (even though we've had lots and lots of contact) that I feel lonely.... especially at night, which is strange cause my xH and I very rarely shared a bed... we had a very unromantic M. Plus the best sleeps I've had this past year are when MM and I slept in eachothers arms. Anyways, so I tell him that. He starts listing all the things he's doing/planning to do to "get out" of his present M.

 

I am the BIGGEST rug sweeper, non-pusher that ever existed I think, so it was left at that. No timeline, just what needs to happen first. I agree with the "list" as I dont want him to auto-move into my house, and IF we are to be together full-time I absolutely dont want it to be because I hurried him or made him, etc. I love the care-free time we spend together, and I dont want it to turn into stress because of a countdown to deadline.

 

I love what we have as of right now, he does everything to make me know I'm his "romantic priority", I know he doesnt see BS as a romantic interest. That part is all very obvious and open.

 

So we are slowly starting to mix finances, , I'm helping him get into the position he needs to be career wise to be able to afford to leave without depending on my help.

 

Anyways, enough babbling. So I will just plain walk before I give him an ultimatum. How did OW?OM get a date from WS about when he would leave BS for you?

 

I think a big problem we have is we seem to have it amazing right now, we spend so much, almost too much time together as it is. We're monogamous. Have 100% of eachothers trust. Its all about us. There is no him&her, its him&I... somehow we seem to just get closer and closer... The only problem, and I'm still trying to decide how big of a problem it really is, is that he lives with her. I live in a 4bdrm house. Asked MM how he would feel if I took in a male boarder (I never would just used it as bait/comparison), I asked him how it would feel if I was living with a man.... even as a roommate like he and BS. He says he trusts me more than anybody he's ever trusted in his life, so that would be fine. Bahhhh, he has it too good somedays, lol.

 

So I would LOVE to figure out a way to get him to offer up a timeline. He has a checklist, but that could obviously take the rest of his life. He's the happiest he's ever been has everything he's worked for, gets to be with his kids daily, and has the best OW gf that ever existed (I'm basically a sexy sheep, lol, fawwk).

 

note: when A started, I was just leaving my M and didnt want anything too serious other than a BF, so him leaving his M was only discussed on his part, cause he wanted out.

 

He is NEVER going to give you a deadline and stick with it - and you know it. You have asked this same question over and over again in a variety of ways and you always get the same answers. You are choosing to be stuck instead of being someone's priority. I don't get it, but, hey, it's your life.

 

As far as your story, you are full of contradictions. You two are in contact "from morning til night"', are each other's "primaries"' blah, blah ,blah, but by your own admission, you are still lonely. I would advise you to gain some independence. Extreme neediness is a real turn-off for most healthy partners. I think if you got a real life in the real world, you would be much happier in the long run.

[LilGirlandOW]

MM is what seems to be obsessed with my happiness. I had a rough night the other night dealing with the loss of a pet, and he never hesitates to be by my side, he came to give me a hug within 10mins of realizing I was upset.

 

I dont want to rock the boat

 

Although I am curious as to how long he will give his checklist to be completed, maybe thats how I should approach it with him? without asking for a set date

[LilGirlandOW]

 

As far as your story, you are full of contradictions. You two are in contact "from morning til night"', are each other's "primaries"' blah, blah ,blah, but by your own admission, you are still lonely.

 

We are and yet I am (sometimes)

[threelaurels]

I know I could lay it out there and with him set something up. We are very open & honest.... I mean in an A setting thats one of the few things you can share and expect (at least for us) MY thing is, I don't wanna get caught up pressuring him. I dont want things to go sour, as everything seems great right now.

 

The finances we mix are money making ventures, which is 100% in my control, my name, etc... for that reason, although we both spend the $, as its an extra income. We are really good business partners as well. Although if he walked today all of that would be mine, as his name, etc is left out of most of it.

 

 

Why are you so afraid to assert what you want out of the relationship? If you aren't prepared to lay down the line, you'll be waiting on him forever. Right now, he's got the best of both worlds. He has no motivation to choose, and he won't make a decision until either you or his wife forces his hand.

 

It doesn't matter that everything is in your name. Her lawyer will simply subpoena you and compel you to take the stand. Sure, you can lie, but then you'll be carted off to jail beside him if they can call your bluff. Everything financial leaves a paper trail. Even if they can't prove perjury in a criminal court, she can sue you for her share in civil court, where the burden of proof is only 51%.

Edited May 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ComingInHot]

Lil, Have you thought of what consequences may be in store for you with this A?

I don't mean just the Good ones, but with all the possible scenarios with A's, sometimes it is wise to look at the possible outcomes and the things that will come with each.

 

I would say, if He Loves you the way you claim he does, then you can ask him ANYTHING and he will respond openly and honestly and ANSWER your questions.

I just hate it when I ask a question/s and get an answer that isn't an answer, or an answer that explains the Non-answer in hopes to distract from realizing they are Not giving an actual answer to the question/s asked.

 

I am sure Lil' if you just asked MM when he PLANS on (not thinks about planning on) but PLANS on Leaving His Wife for you, he will be straight up and GIVE you an Honest, solid Date of Departure*

 

And you would even get some peace of mind for while as the "departure Date" gets closer

[bentleychic]

I'm in an irritable mood so the only part of this I'll touch on is the time line.

 

MM and I discussed this from day 1, before I even got romantically involved with him. I never asked for it. I was given the deadline from the get go. There's something specific that is supposed to/going to happen late Spring/early next Summer. He told me this from the beginning. He knows that is my deadline and that if that event does not happen and we are free to be together, I walk. He's known this since day 1. All signs are pointing towards that actually happening (and I'm not just going by his word on this) which is nice, but the next 3 months will be the big indicator on if it's truly taking the correct path that it needs to. I'll be in a better position to get a good judge on it by December b/c there are steps that are being taken and some very big and specific ones will happen in Nov. & Dec.

 

This probably all sounds like jibberish, but I don't want to put specific details out there.

[pteromom]

Hopefully "slowly starting to mix finances" isn't just code for you are giving him money.

[bentleychic]

Hopefully "slowly starting to mix finances" isn't just code for you are giving him money.

Yeah...ummm...if they do get divorced, don't be surprised if all of YOUR bank records get subpoenaed. If I were the BS, I would think you're not only f'ing my husband, but also hiding his money from me. I'd be fighting tooth and nail since HIS money should be going to support HIS children.

[HopingAgain]

Yeah...ummm...if they do get divorced, don't be surprised if all of YOUR bank records get subpoenaed. If I were the BS, I would think you're not only f'ing my husband, but also hiding his money from me. I'd be fighting tooth and nail since HIS money should be going to support HIS children.

 

Exactly. I think its really low to help a MM hide money from his children, even from the wife for that matter, bu especially money that should be going towards the kids.

[LilGirlandOW]

In the big scheme of things, its not alot of money and 100% in my name, we spend it as recreation money and it gets spent on spoiling the kids more so than ourselves, and we buy our routine lotto tickets, again I sign them as soon as I buy them, no attachment to him. Have no idea if BS wonders where these "things" from the proceeds of the money come from. BS would have no clue about our business ventures unless MM told her, there is no trail to him, its just kinda a hobby we have when we're together, we're a great team business wise as well as romantically.

[LilGirlandOW]

Yeah...ummm...if they do get divorced, don't be surprised if all of YOUR bank records get subpoenaed. If I were the BS, I would think you're not only f'ing my husband, but also hiding his money from me. I'd be fighting tooth and nail since HIS money should be going to support HIS children.

 

Wouldn't happen, its all in my name, I doubt MM's gonna D her and then tell her that he and I have been making money together on the side.

 

That sum on $ gets spent on HIS kids as much as mine, him or me. Just not on BS

 

Also to add to that I dont give him money, he's never actually touched any of the cash, although he helps in the making of it. To add to that he's neevr asked me to buy him anything with that money, the time we spend together making it has always been enough for him, although I use it to buy him things, or when we're out shopping I'll use that money in lue of him spending his own cash. The type of business is his specialty, without him i wouldnt be able to do it by myself, so if anything it would be me using him in that sense... but I handle the detail and money part cause he's too busy for that, and he trusts me.

 

I know spouces who hide and stash money that their SO make's and spend it on secret shopping spree's or put it away for their plans to leave so they have a cushion. This is not the same, although similar.

[bentleychic]

2x in one day on this board that I'm totally gobsmacked. LOL I may need to take a break.

[LilGirlandOW]

possibly Bentley, lol.

 

See I fell in love with him during our "working EA", its been a year now since EA started, had he said right from the begining I need 2 years for xyz to happen, like your MM I think that would be harder than not knowing at all. Looking forward 2 yrs seems like forever to wait, looking back its nothing right as long as you're happy ... I'm happy you're coming close to an indicator of said deadline.

 

My MM's "list" of things, which I think are all very reasonable are things he is definetly working on, also things I've in ways helped him work on... its kinda a process we're doing together so its easy for me to track, but there is 1 thing that could never happen, he is working on it, but that worries me.

 

Bentley. question, how did you and MM meet? Like you must have had EA first for him to give you a deadline on day1?

 

Anybody get a deadline after day1?

[threelaurels]

You do realize how forensic accounting works, right? MM doesn't have to tell his wife anything. They will scrutinize every paycheck, every cash withdrawal he's ever made. Even cash leaves a paper trail, and they will make him account for every cent under oath. They can subpoena your financial records too. A judge can even freeze your accounts and assets while they investigate.

 

Hiring a forensic accountant is standard procedure in divorce cases involving infidelity. As it stands, you can already be subpoenaed to testify in their divorce case due to the affair. Your role in the affair will become a matter of public record.

 

I don't think you really understand how serious this is. If MM gets caught trying to hide assets, he can kiss joint custody goodbye.

[bentleychic]

Bentley. question, how did you and MM meet? Like you must have had EA first for him to give you a deadline on day1?

 

We met over something totally innocuous 5 years ago (I met his wife at that time.). He originally approached me shortly after for a PA, but I refused him after a short time of texting contact/attention because I was trying to give my marriage another chance. I had absolutely no contact with him for four years after that.

 

When I left my exH, I reached out to him to see where his marriage was b/c when we'd talked back then, their marriage wasn't great and I thought perhaps he'd be divorced by this point. He was not and we talked as friends and he told me at that time what was going on and time line. He told me in the same context as I told him what was going on with my life. (The deadline wasn't happening in regards to or b/c of our A. It was happening whether we had an A or not. However, I've told him since day 1 of becoming intimate that I considered that deadline THE deadline and he does as well. I should also add, this deadline was never mentioned or in place when we'd originally met 5 years before that.)

 

This is probably hard to follow without the details, but I'm not willing to share those details publicly on the board. They are too specific and definitely nothing I've heard here. Actually feel I've already said too much, but don't want them ever coming upon this.

Edited September 18, 2013 by bentleychic

[BrokenPrincess]

Lil, did you ever end up actually divorcing your H? If not, wont this business venture belong to your H as well?

 

The whole thing sounds really unnecessarily risky to me to be mixing finances while you're both married to other people.

[georgia girl]

LGOW,

 

You are on the right track. Ask for what you want. You love each other, he's promising a future. Ask when it will happen. No arguments but no beating around the bush. His response may be telling.

 

Do this for you. YOU deserve a timeline for your emotional investment. Put it out there and expect an honest reply.

 

Good luck!

 

GG

[LilGirlandOW]

It is so hard to explain without being to specific. First off none of BS or MM paycheck is effected by this, their household income is the exact same.

 

Technically the money is mine, technically. Although since it is an extra bit of money I spend it on us and the kids. I dont think they're close enough for her to notice the new things he and the kids have? or she doesnt care? or shes taking notes? This has been going on for 6mnths-ish now so who knows what she thinks.

 

He doesn't see any of the cash at all.

 

As far as the BS is concerned, they have very separate lives, like alot of the MM/MW mentioned on this board. I guess once M start to go south and people grow apart, they dont care as much where their H/W go or what they do as much as they once did, cause if MM's not working or with his kids spending time he's with me. The equivalent of a good father who is separated with kids I suppose.

[sweet_pea]

Lil, aren't you still married as well?

[LilGirlandOW]

fair enough LisaLee, you are right we dont mix paychecks or bills.

 

MJ, from the begining during the "working EA" I learned and it was known to a small handful of others that their M was inevitably over, as far as that goes... and I might add that she also vacations without him as well and stuff, so its not just him getting away. They seem to not care what the other does in their own free time. During the EA part he never went out at all with friends and stuff or did much, but we would still talk and text all night and throughout the day.

 

Sweet_Pea, I am, but my xH and I have sorted out everything all thats left is i suppose filing for the D, my xH makes more money than MM and I combined so he's not worried about what money I have coming in at all.

[MissBee]

I stopped reading at "mixing finances"...!!!!!! WHY?!

 

Maybe I am abnormal, but even with a single bf, we NEVER mix finances. I mean unless you are my husband, then yea okay, I understand that or if we live together, but if we're dating and live separately, your money is yours and mine mine and it works out just fine.So I guess I do not see the logic of you mixing finances with your married bf....what does this mean even?

 

You can't "get him to offer a timeline" you have to suggest one yourself. No relationship will work out well for you if you simply allow the other person to lead and you simply follow along. You have to be assertive and speak up for yourself. However in this weird dad-daughter dynamic and power differential it may be also why it's hard to speak up as an adult about it. But really though, a relationship is 2 people, both can state their interests and what they need/want....not one person waiting with bated breath praying the other obliges them. How do you honestly see things working out for you two? Will your whole relationship be on his terms? Do you think this will make him happy so he will never leave because he can do whatever he wants and you'll tolerate it?

Edited September 19, 2013 by MissBee

[LilGirlandOW]

Primary romantic relationship.