Letter - NOT SENDING

[thishatteredsymphony]

I know I could have put this is the "Post Here Instead of Contacting your Ex" thread, but I was sort of hoping maybe you guys could give me some of your thoughts? If a mod feels it's unnecessary, go ahead and move it.

 

As the title says, I'm not going to send this. I just wrote this down now and it feels pretty good to get it out.

 

---------------

 

If you’re able to look back on what we shared with a smile, while moving forward with your life with this man making new memories, then good for you.

 

I don't have that luxury. Now right now anyway. My memories of you are tainted. For my own sanity and peace of mind I've gotten rid of everything that reminded me of you. Every single reminder of us has been purged. All the pictures, letters, the Valentine’s Day puzzle you sent me two and a half years ago, even the chair you bought me this past Christmas. Yes, even the rather immaterial items are gone. All of them are gone. I wanted no reminder of you.

 

You may argue I can’t just erase our relationship like that. And you’d be right that I can’t. But losing the physical reminders has helped me move on. All I have now are the memories, and even those are beginning to fade. You feel more and more like a stranger to me. I can’t look back on what we shared with any sort of happiness because the woman I was with at that time doesn’t exist anymore. To me, she may as well be dead.

 

The pain you might feel is no where near my own. You chose your pain. You chose your new life and the last time you spoke to me you said you made a mistake. The guilt you feel is a result of YOUR actions alone. You say you don't like to be judged but you bring judgment on yourself for your consistently bad choices. You claimed I did so much good for you, so why, WHY did you allow this to happen? This is an answer I'll never know, and as much as it pains me to realize I'll never know the answer I need to get over it.

 

One day I hope I can look back on our time together with a smile. That is the best I can hope for. The worst I can hope for is to feel indifferent. But that day is not now, and that day will not come for a long time. Maybe it never will.

 

How could I have been so blind? To think I almost “settled” as they call it. I blame myself; my own desire for affection and to share love with someone special allowed me to choose you, a girl who was far below my league. Common interests only get you so far; I was so willing to sacrifice my hard work and higher education for love, all for someone who lacked the same work ethic as I, lacked the same motivation for success, and who in many ways pressured me into wanting to marry before I was remotely ready. I put aside my own feelings all in a blind attempt to make you happy. I sacrificed my own pride and identity because I was afraid if I didn't feel the same as you I would lose you. But now I see how blind I was – I chose the wrong woman. To think that I was saving up for a ring and planning to propose to you the week we were going to see your family in July. To think I actually made plans to have a long life with you. To think I would eventually end up taking care of you, as I always did, while you hardly could do even simple favors I asked of you.

 

I was blind and stupid. I won't allow myself to make these mistakes for another person again. And no matter how much my heart continues to want you, I will find the strength to go on and leave you behind.

 

I have so much anger and hatred toward you. It takes all my restraint and innate good nature not to do what I sorely desire – to ruin your life as you ruined mine. The thoughts of doing anything I can to make you so miserable you’d feel as much pain as I have; these thoughts have been running around in my head every single day since I found out about your infidelity.

 

But I won’t act on them. I won’t because I’m better than you. You always said I deserved better than you and here I’m coming to accept that. I deserve so much better than you. I won’t allow myself to hurt others as you’ve done.

 

You don't understand real love because your view of it is to be pampered and treated with constant affection. I blame your younger years for this. The trauma you experienced in high school warped your mind and all you want is to feel loved. Understandable, but also regrettable. But until the day comes when you stop realizing you don’t need someone to make you happy, you’ll never understand what it means to love and to be loved.

 

And I feel sorry for you.

 

May you have the life and happiness you're looking for.

Edited September 18, 2013 by thishatteredsymphony

[Oldcatskinner]

Good for you, getting those feelings out there. Even better, that you didn't send that letter!

 

If I'd received a letter like that, I would have felt VERY empowered that I had that much control.

 

OCS

[loveiswar101]

Yep, glad didn't send it. Happy have got feelings out.

 

The emotion in the letter is powerful, time will heal if those thoughts you write are true and with luck you will find someone who will embrace that emotion and love and give it back.

 

Best Wishes

[AnyaNova]

You deserve someone who will be faithful to you, care for you, share similar values and work ethic, and who is capable of being in a mature relationship.

 

It is good that she never sees this letter. But also good that you wrote it.

 

If you can give the desire for vengeance over to the universe, or God, or your choice of higher power, it might really help your healing. Either, she continues on her own miserable path without changing and gets her miserable reward, or she changes, at which point she will no doubt realize what she lost in you and gave up when she gave you up.

 

Either way, the universe will take care of it for you.

[BrownBear]

It is clear that you are very upset and angry with your ex but despite this you wish her well - this is the sign (for me) of a very strong, powerful, LOVING individual.

 

I wish you well on your journey.

[thishatteredsymphony]

I'm hurting a lot today.

 

I don't know how I managed a few weeks back. Things felt good for the first time in a while, but lately all I feel is misery.

 

It just doesn't seem right that someone I could love so deeply can cause so much heartache and pain.

[thishatteredsymphony]

Okay, I don't get it. I didn't send this to her, but it feels like I might as well have. I'm in a world of hurt reading this letter. I'm just so confused about how someone can be so cruel to tell me she loved me and said I treated her so well but she could still do these horrible things.

 

Was it because I became a pushover? I did, I put aside so many of my personal feelings and beliefs to make her happy. I don't want to make that mistake again, but I am so lost.

 

I don't think it's helping my depression is getting worse lately. I've been back on antidepressants for a couple weeks now, so they haven't kicked in yet. All I know is nothing is making me feel better lately.

[Oldcatskinner]

Okay, I don't get it. I didn't send this to her, but it feels like I might as well have. I'm in a world of hurt reading this letter. I'm just so confused about how someone can be so cruel to tell me she loved me and said I treated her so well but she could still do these horrible things.

 

^^^This.

 

I had these thoughts as well.

 

 

Was it because I became a pushover? I did, I put aside so many of my personal feelings and beliefs to make her happy. I don't want to make that mistake again, but I am so lost.

 

^^^Perhaps

 

I did this also. Sacrificing your beliefs and personal feelings for the happiness of another is only temporary. Eventually you will resent yourself and your partner when it seems you have extended or exhausted your beliefs in the fallacy that appeasing them by sacrificing your core is the way to a successful relationship. I've done both. The first one I was in I didn't sacrifice my core values, and when the relationship was over, I had my dignity.

The last one, my first love, I denied the expression of my values and suppressed what I really felt in order to appease her. And when it was over, all that was left of me was a shell of my former self.

 

All in all, a partner picks up on your habits and traits, and acts on them. If you come across as a pushover, they will consciously at worst and subconsciously at best treat you accordingly.

 

Hey, no one is perfect, and if you stand your ground and do what's best for you, the relationship may not work out anyway. However, it is much better to realize this and have your dignity and value than it is to have to rebuild yourself. Although, my rebuilding has given me a new lease on life and in my case it was necessary that this happen, as I have things in my life that were brought to my attention, and now that I've been made aware of it, I'm working on it. For me. For me. For me. And bettering myself is the only way to be a better partner.

[thishatteredsymphony]

Okay, I don't get it. I didn't send this to her, but it feels like I might as well have. I'm in a world of hurt reading this letter. I'm just so confused about how someone can be so cruel to tell me she loved me and said I treated her so well but she could still do these horrible things.

 

^^^This.

 

I had these thoughts as well.

 

 

Was it because I became a pushover? I did, I put aside so many of my personal feelings and beliefs to make her happy. I don't want to make that mistake again, but I am so lost.

 

^^^Perhaps

 

I did this also. Sacrificing your beliefs and personal feelings for the happiness of another is only temporary. Eventually you will resent yourself and your partner when it seems you have extended or exhausted your beliefs in the fallacy that appeasing them by sacrificing your core is the way to a successful relationship. I've done both. The first one I was in I didn't sacrifice my core values, and when the relationship was over, I had my dignity.

The last one, my first love, I denied the expression of my values and suppressed what I really felt in order to appease her. And when it was over, all that was left of me was a shell of my former self.

 

All in all, a partner picks up on your habits and traits, and acts on them. If you come across as a pushover, they will consciously at worst and subconsciously at best treat you accordingly.

 

Hey, no one is perfect, and if you stand your ground and do what's best for you, the relationship may not work out anyway. However, it is much better to realize this and have your dignity and value than it is to have to rebuild yourself. Although, my rebuilding has given me a new lease on life and in my case it was necessary that this happen, as I have things in my life that were brought to my attention, and now that I've been made aware of it, I'm working on it. For me. For me. For me. And bettering myself is the only way to be a better partner.

 

This is exactly what happened. When she left me I was a broken man. I had no dignity left and had to fight for her because I felt losing her was losing myself. It's no wonder my life for the last 3 months was rotten as hell. I gave up my entire identity to this woman that I lost interest in everything that once made me who I was, what once made me happy.

 

I've been on a slow recovery process since then. It's taking a lot of time to fix that but once I get there it's I bet it's going to feel amazing