Wambo Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 My ex AP is playing the hot and cold game. There isn't much to add, except on a handful of days she want my attention and the others she blank me. I'm not going out my way to see her and the first person to speak out of us two is always her. Now I'm perfectly fine not playing this mind game and I'm not contributing to the tension between us. If she want to treat me as a mature adult then I have no quarrel but I will not be drag down to that level she want to play at. All this is doing is contributing to my NC and what left of my respect for her is going down the drain. So my question is why does she do this? * Fear of rejection and precaution against emotional pain? or * A way to get me under her control?
fanine Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I think it is control. Firstly, they know by ignoring, the issue is more likely to occupy your mind more, so they will be in your head constantly - even if the thinking may be negative. Also, it produces the highs and lows these people get off. Like a drug. And OW and OM end up addicted to this drug. It's the pulling away of something so they cant have it, and then when it reappears they want it even more. It is a bit of a dangerous game for the MM or MW as the OW or OM may one day hopefully decide they have had enough and go for good. But until the OM and the OW do that, this game will continue as the MM or MW knows it works. 1
Tangled web Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I know how you feel. I'm going through the same thing. Just ended things, and am attempting NC, but xAP still wants to be "friends". He has been my only true friend for 6 years. It's hard letting go when he's the one I run to when I have some exciting news, problems, or a funny story. I know he doesn't plan on working on his M and he's overwhelmed with other responsibilities....but it's not fair to me to have a friendship on his terms. I feel like I'm being saved for later just in case he needs me. I'm in an unhappy M also and unless I figure out what my issues are and how to either end my M or save it, I will probably continue to let myself be used.
trailrunner1975 Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 It's probably a mix of both. She doesn't want you the whole way, but just enough so that she panics when you decide you've had enough. She is doing you a huge favor in the long run as eventually you walk on for good. Worked for me anyway. I almost feel sorry for her these days. Almost.
bentleychic Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I think we may be giving them too much credit. LOL Maybe not all, but some. In a lot of cases, IMO, it amounts to: HOT = wants you/wants attention/horny/wants validation COLD = too much work/getting attention validation elsewhere/not horny/real life keeping them busy I'm sure there are some that are truly manipulative, but I think in a lot of cases, it boils down to that and not so much head games. 4
carhill Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Hot and cold - Why? Emotion acting without the benefit of intellect. Probably situational. Good insight though.
Author Wambo Posted September 19, 2013 Author Posted September 19, 2013 I think we may be giving them too much credit. LOL Maybe not all, but some. In a lot of cases, IMO, it amounts to: HOT = wants you/wants attention/horny/wants validation COLD = too much work/getting attention validation elsewhere/not horny/real life keeping them busy I'm sure there are some that are truly manipulative, but I think in a lot of cases, it boils down to that and not so much head games. She was playing mindgames with me a few months ago. So she not in control of the situation. It does look like things are finally coming to an end and I think she finally accepts the situation. So good luck to her and I hope she see sense before she get deeper in her mess. Now I need to focus on rebuilding myself up again. There is a possbility she could contact me again but it's clear she is getting less focus on me and staying out of my way.
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