lindsay1990 Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Okay. First of all I would like to clarify that I do think people CAN change but what I'm referring to is attitudes/behaviors/values that create conflict within your relationship that you *feel* have been solved by "talking out" or understanding but that present themselves repetitively regardless. Some may be the fruit of personality disorders and others simply a clash in said attitudes and values but in any case, I've found that when obsessing about what I shoulda-woulda-coulda done with my ex, I think there are several issues that would have made us unworkable in the long run, because they just eroded the trust (in our case) more and more every time. So, I'm asking if you guys think there are also things like this that one cannot just snap out of for the sake of their relationship without the help of some cognitive therapy of some sort - either because you can't help it or don't really believe it is a counter-productive way of dealing with things. In my case, the following applied: 1. Biggest deal-breaker in my relationship was Innate Boundaries I came from an uptight private school (where gossiping, no matter if true was punishable by suspension) and a socio-cultural background in which "gossip is what maids, doormen and drivers do". I had never meddled in other people's relationships, felt that people airing their dirty laundry to/in front of others revolting. I was very close to my friends and parents and would speak of many things personal to me, like my thoughts, hopes, dreams, insecurities, etc BUT I never (nor they) would go into details of their romantic relationships besides practical things, like say they were going on trips, having fun, and things like that. I wouldn't go into details of the great things and much less the bad things with my boyfriend, as since he didn't know "my people" I (1) didn't want to generate ill-will against him over our couple's spats and (2) felt that they didn't know him and I shouldn't spill his intimate business, business that was between him and I. On the other hand, VERY early on I realized my boyfriend would not only run through his own people OUR relationship but was also overly involved in others, and not just family. For example, he had been a de facto mediator in his close friends marriage and separation, he would go-between the couple and know all their things, despite the fact that they had a therapist. Not only this but, the first time I went to his house and met his family, I realized that his entire nuclear family of mom, dad, brother, sister and brother-in-law knew about the couple's problem, even word by word plays. To me this sort of thing basically made him a gossip. :/ They would scrutinize his sister's interactions with her husband and I'd hear about it. He would tell me exact conversations between his brother and his girlfriend related to very tense commitment issues, that he would get not from his brother himself but through his mother. I was his first relationship (he was my second) and since the first fight we had he would call his parents, the first time sobbing hysterically about how I was treating him unfairly. I was obviously mortified as this was a standard argument over some deleted text messages and names hadn't been called, I had just left to go home and left him at his house. There was just too much psychoanalyzing and conversation about everyone's private affairs and I would go into a fury when I found he had been talking about our relationship, and even telling his family the things I would confide in him about my own family with which I expected discretion. It was always a struggle then, because to him it was normal (and to them) to know details, like: "what did he say... uh-huh.... and what did you say to that...uh-huh". Naturally, they also provided opinions on every issue and I felt that ultimately it was me against him, and him them too. It eroded our dynamic severely for me to feel that everything I said, even in a calm argument, I had to say expecting several people to go through it so I had to make an extra effort to not be too emotional, irrational, or sound very insecure. As these people would also not hesitate to point out "where I might be coming from". He would run our issues through people for feedback, arguing he "had never done the relationship thing before" or "needed support". Obviously, even through the course of our break up, these people were in the loop of the daily exchange between my boyfriend and I, and progressively he blocked me out more and I came to feel the intruder and the enemy and wouldn't even talk to him about us anymore. In the future, as I didn't know this would be so fundamentally important to me, I will short-of-demand of my partners to agree that if we have any sort of conflict not immediately demanding police intervention, we will wait and go see an impartial therapist. But no parent-calling (we were 27 him and 25 me, keep in mind) or family-intervening, because at the end of the day, we would make up but the damage in our circles was done. 2. Re-Hashing Previous Conflict It is one thing to be stuck on a subject and not let it go. In my caseit was trust issues that would resurface evetually at the smallest provocation, but it was always to the same point: of my ex-boyfriend having had emotional affairs and now being close to the woman friend in whose relationship he has meddled, and me feeling jealous of their apparent special bond. My ex-partner however, would use things I had done in the past to defend himself when my mistrust would flare up. He would bring up things long before apologized for, settled and supposedly left behind us. He would air previous grievances and aside from the dirty fighting tactic evident here, the bigger issue I think was that the dude couldn't help but keep tabs. I will complete this list progressively but for now this will do. I am curious as to what red flags you possibly see now, in retrospect, that would never have made your relationship work? Be them bad habits in your partner, yourself or just incompatibility? Do you find this eases a bit knowing that no matter if you hadn't broken up, these issues would still be a source of conflict in your relationship? 1
Viro12 Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Thing is, I believe that people can change. But it has to come within themselves. What most people see though, is that life is short, and it just takes too long to wait for the other person to grow into our perfect partner. So why not just shop around for something easier. There are somethings though that are almost impossible to change, Family Pressures is one of them The things that defines you, your patience when you have nothing, and the attitude when you have everything.
RiceaRoni Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 2. Re-Hashing Previous Conflict It is one thing to be stuck on a subject and not let it go. In my caseit was trust issues that would resurface evetually at the smallest provocation, but it was always to the same point: of my ex-boyfriend having had emotional affairs and now being close to the woman friend in whose relationship he has meddled, and me feeling jealous of their apparent special bond. My ex-partner however, would use things I had done in the past to defend himself when my mistrust would flare up. He would bring up things long before apologized for, settled and supposedly left behind us. He would air previous grievances and aside from the dirty fighting tactic evident here, the bigger issue I think was that the dude couldn't help but keep tabs Guy that just left me did this all the time. Every single time there was a disagreement. I would bring up an issue that was currently bothering me, he'd get upset and then out of no where bring up past issues that were already fixed or done with. He said I was stressing him out when I think it was he himself stressing himself out by doing this. And there would be issues that were months old. I dunno I think if people realize what they're doing, and that the problem may be them rather than the person they're seeing, they could probably strive towards a change, but it needs to be on their own terms and it needs to be their decision and no one can make that for them but themselves. We could maybe try to help them realize, but even then some people are blind and deny the things we may tell them, even if we are very close.
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