legalgirl Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 How do I say no? I'm not sure I'm strong enough. I love him so much and have missed his friendship. We were best friends before we started the A.
Red Wolverine Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 You say no because he won't give you what you need. Nothing's changed. Breaking NC when nothing has changed ensures he's never leaving. It ensures him knowing you don't mean what you say. It ensures you'll accept less than you deserve. Love yourself more than him. If he loved you, he wouldn't ask you to accept less. 2
maidai Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Just seriously say no and ask him not to contact you again. He is not coming to you with anything more on the table than what made you want to end it in the first place. Unless you are happy to step back in make yourself a second class citizen again and accept the crumbs he throws at you you need to do it for your sanity and self worth. Me ex was a *friend* of over 20 years. Accept true friends do not treat friends like this and move on, its all for *his* selfish gain xx
tiernan Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 How could you trust him again and yourself as well, that the similar situation will not take place in the future? Life in constant fear is nooooo good.
canuckprincess Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 You say no because he won't give you what you need. Nothing's changed. Breaking NC when nothing has changed ensures he's never leaving. It ensures him knowing you don't mean what you say. It ensures you'll accept less than you deserve. Love yourself more than him. If he loved you, he wouldn't ask you to accept less. I must agree 110% if you go back then you have agreed to being his ow and never more then that. Some of us are ok with that, well I'm not ok with it but at this time that's what I e essentially agreed to. Although after Monday I'm no longer his morale police. I'm not cheating on his wife nor am I breaking vows to her. So I have decided that my relationship with him is all I can control not what he does at home. Sorry I know this isn't all about me lol. You need to decide what's best for you. If being his friend is what you need then do it. I know I haven't been able to go NC so I can't expect others to.
Author legalgirl Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 I just keep thinking he will change his mind. Yes I am an idiot, I will say it myself before anyone else does. He has always been there for me when I needed anything. That I can at least say. Why am I so afraid of losing a friend? Go ahead, reach through the computer and slap me. I obviously need it!!!!
Red Wolverine Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I just keep thinking he will change his mind. Yes I am an idiot, I will say it myself before anyone else does. He has always been there for me when I needed anything. That I can at least say. Why am I so afraid of losing a friend? Go ahead, reach through the computer and slap me. I obviously need it!!!! Will he be there at 3:00 a.m tomorrow if you need it? All kidding aside, that's what I say when I describe a friend.... Someone you can call at 3:00 a.m. and they will help you. He can't be there because he's not a friend. He's the married man you're sleeping with. He can't explains 3:00 a.m. call to his wife. Find a new friend. 3
Author legalgirl Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 Ok you got me there!!!! 1
cat Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 (edited) Will he be there at 3:00 a.m tomorrow if you need it? He can't be there because he's not a friend. He's the married man you're sleeping with. He can't explains 3:00 a.m. call to his wife. I have to say, I LOVE this. This really struck a cord with me. Maybe mine is so dysfunctional that he might actually be there for me at 3:00 am but he wouldn't be in other times when it counted. He just wouldn't-- he'd be with her, or he'd be lost in his own mess. Edited September 18, 2013 by cat 1
whichwayisup Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 How do I say no? I'm not sure I'm strong enough. I love him so much and have missed his friendship. We were best friends before we started the A. How long has your A been over? He says he wants you back..But as what? A true friend? Like before? If so, that's absolutely impossible because you still love him and even if you try a 'friendship' you'll just get more attached and eventually it'll turn into an A again. And that's not healthy for you, you'll get hurt and it's certainly not good for his marriage and the relationship between him and his wife. What are your hopes and expectations? Be careful for what you ask for.
whichwayisup Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I just keep thinking he will change his mind. Yes I am an idiot, I will say it myself before anyone else does. He has always been there for me when I needed anything. That I can at least say. Why am I so afraid of losing a friend? Go ahead, reach through the computer and slap me. I obviously need it!!!! Change his mind in a sense that he will realize he loves you more than his wife and divorce her, marry you? I am slapping you, in a kind way! You haven't lost a friendship because that friendship ended the minute you two crossed the line when your A started. What you've lost is a situation that has messed you up and hurt you. A guy who cheated and betrayed his wife, a MM who hurt his wife and hurt you along the way as well. A guy who has issues and is selfish. A guy who will make time for you when he has time, on his terms and time frame, not yours. You say he was there for you, but at the end of the day, he couldn't most of the time in the way you really wanted him to. Don't be afraid to let go and grieve the loss.
Author legalgirl Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 How long has your A been over? He says he wants you back..But as what? A true friend? Like before? If so, that's absolutely impossible because you still love him and even if you try a 'friendship' you'll just get more attached and eventually it'll turn into an A again. And that's not healthy for you, you'll get hurt and it's certainly not good for his marriage and the relationship between him and his wife. What are your hopes and expectations? Be careful for what you ask for. I wish I knew. I would really love to be with him, for him to be my boyfriend, for him to leave his wife and us start a life together like we planned. I just know I am kidding myself and that it will probably never happen!!!
Leelou Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 He told you he wants you, and yea, that feels like a million bucks, doesn't it? There's almost nothing better than being Wanted! But... just because he says he wants you, doesn't mean he is willing to do what it takes to make you feel special, loved, and do what he can for you! He only 'wants you' to be a small part of his life, you know, to be there 100% for him but for him to only be there for you 20% - you know what I'm talking about... he wants you to be focused on HIM, while he gets away with just squeezing you into his life when it's convenient for him... that's the breadcrumbs that makes him not worthwhile, that's why you have to tell him No. But even after you say no, he will lay low for a while, then ask again. And again, and again, until one day he catches you in a vulnerable state, a lonely state, a state where you are wondering What Might Have Been and if you should give him another chance, blah, blah, blah, all he wants is your heart, soul, your sex, and he gets to give you very little in return. It's not good for you and that's why you need to stay the heck away from him. When he hasn't got a game plan, when he tells you "let's see where this leads to, and if it doesn't work out, ok..." that's rubbish... that's him Using you, that's YOU getting hurt, guaranteed! Why, oh why would you be considering signing up for the same ole same ole? 2
Cali408 Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Go to JLola's thread from yesterday on the art of seduction. Everything will be clear and I'm sure you will identify it. It's under Kentucky Gent's coping thread. Tell him you'll date him once the ink on the divorce is dry. Until then, it's over.
Cali408 Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Go to JLola's thread from yesterday on the art of seduction. Everything will be clear and I'm sure you will identify it. It's under Kentucky Gent's coping thread. Tell him you'll date him once the ink on the divorce is dry. Until then, it's over.
whichwayisup Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I wish I knew. I would really love to be with him, for him to be my boyfriend, for him to leave his wife and us start a life together like we planned. I just know I am kidding myself and that it will probably never happen!!! Then accept this reality and make yourself give up hope. If you don't, then you'll hang onto him and waste more time, your energy and your love on someone who isn't worth it. All the meanwhile, he's continuing to live life with his wife, day in and day out.
hollyhillcourt Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 Hi legalgirl. I think you are doing a great job! Have you ever had a gf that you have ended a friendship w? Ive had 2. One bc it was unhealthy for me and I knew she wouldn't get any better and the other bc she betrayed me. I think getting out of this is a process. ESP bc there a feelings attached. I was thinking today about what I've done to move forward and in corporate-speak, I would say its a blended-model. I say this bc I looked at the 2 gf's I ditched and why and am trying to apply that to my exMM. My exMM wants me to move on and I appreciate that bc he has my best interests at heart. I know it would be harder if our story was different. Sometimes I miss these gf's but I don't miss exMM. Have you figured out your blended approach? Just NC rarely works. Hugs!!!
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