obsessing over the OW

[photogirl2006]

I keep obsessing over the OW. I want to know what she had to get him into bed. I want to know what was so damn important about her. I want to know and I don't want to know. Tomorrow is my birthday and I just want to keep these feelings under control until after my birthday. I found out about the affair on my mom's birthday I don't want to ruin mine too.

 

I look at her Facebook page and cry. I search her online and cry. I get all twisted up inside and feel sick to my stomach.

 

My husband is still here and wants to work things out.

 

One time is all it happened, he says. But I don't believe him. I want answers but I don't want answers. God, I wish I could just drink myself into a stupor but I can't drink because of an allergy and I'd be dead and I can't die...I have a six year old to take care of.

 

My counselor says to focus on the positives. I am really trying. I am. But today I am failing.

[ComingInHot]

Everything you're feeling is Totally Normal!!! Betrayal by A is debilitating. It steals More hours out of our lives than the A itself stole from you and your H's M.

 

There are questions. Questions begging for answers. You should be able to get those answers but there is a high probability that you won't and will have to piece together your own truth. And even then, the questions will forever "linger", rearing their ugly heads from time to time.

 

Who knows of your H's A?

Does the OW know that You know?

Have you contacted her?

Have you told anyone you are close to that can support you through this?

 

Consider telling trusted family/friends who can raly around you and protect you from the fallout of his A. These people know you and can offer clarity when you have none. Give you strength when yours is gone. Bring you back from the crazy train when you have unknowingly gotten on for a scenic tour

 

For now, you have to get by moment to moment. Do that, for your son AND for yourself.

[NotCamelot]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Most of us here at LS have been and still are going through it as well. You will find a lot of help here, some good and some not so good.

 

I was struggling with the exact same issue. I found myself more focused on my wife's AP than on her. It IS very hard to deal with. How could some stranger steal away a part of your life? It made me feel like he had personally attacked me......and, in a way, he had.

 

But, it does take time. How long has it been since you found out? Did you discover it or did your husband confess?

 

The more answers you get from your husband, the easier it will be to move on. Explain to him that if he really wants to "work things out", you need 100% of the truth NOW......not little bits now and more later....that only keeps the hurt alive for you much longer. Tell him that. And tell him that if there is a chance for you two, you need to know.

 

By removing the secrets, you will feel less about his affair partner.....in time.

 

And, then, create a new life with him. You DO NOT want the old one back. Create new memories to wipe out the old ones. Do something completely new and different on the days that have "been destroyed".

 

And, again, in time, it will get better. Please stay focused on your child. You didn't mention her age, but, children are much more aware than we want to believe. Live for her and for you. If your husband wants to regain you, make him work for it. For it is HIS fault for the way you feel. You did nothing wrong.

 

And, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

[Betterthanthis13]

I think we are about the same age, and DDay for me was right around my birthday a few months ago... I am SOOOO sorry this is happening to you right now, I promise it will get better in time, but for right now I know the days seem endless...

 

First of all, block her and delete her from Facebook. You really don't need to be looking at that. I did som crazy stupid things to this one girl (mine was a serial cheater so there was more than one) and I regret it. She goes to my gym. Once I switched gyms and there was no more chance of running into her I started feeling calmer. Delete the facebook. Don't torture yourself with looking at her. She is not prettier than you or better than you or smarter than you or nicer or anything... it doesn't make sense, I know.....

 

 

Tomorrow is YOUR birthday. What can you do today for yourself? Mani pedi? Haircut? Massage? Chocolate? Music? Exercise? Lay on the couch?

 

I'll be around all day if you want to talk about her, but just do me a favor and delete her off FB and block her and stop looking at her face.

[Coolit]

Have you asked the ow her version of events? Though she may lie he may not. You can line the two versions up and see which one makes the most logical sense. Don't tell H though because if he doesn't think you would contact her then he may not have lined up stories with her yet.

 

If you can't handle it and you are determined she is only going to lie then do the block thing. If you are tempted to unblock do somethin productive or fun in te moment instead. Get busy. I know the temptation to unblock.

[pinkstraws]

It's okay to cry and cry and cry and cry. It is normal to feel sad. It's also super normal to look at her face wherever you find it and want to examine it, understand what she could have said or did that led to your pain. I know how it feels like the answers must be there in her smile or her hair or something...

 

You won't get answers from looking at her, but it is a normal feeling. Try to do it less if it makes you feel worse. My husband's OW is unattractive. Looking at her usually makes me feel slightly better.

 

Anyway, don't pressure yourself to feel things other than what you feel, but at the same time try to keep track of what might be impacting your life in a negative way. For example, I never get involved in any obsessing while I am at work or when I just want to feel happy with my husband. I do obsess at other times. I feel like it is part of the process, though three months into reconciliation (and almost six months since the affair was discovered) I am trying to do it less often.

 

Hugs and more hugs. xxo

[HopingAgain]

This is completely normal! In time though you will realize and understand that the OW is not important at all in terms of YOUR healing, and in terms of your marriage what she represents is a symptom of an internal issue your H needs to deal with. The OW could have been anyone.

[dichotomy]

Want to know.....all of it, the details, the whys, the whens, the what’s...

 

Yep that’s has been an obsession of mine.

 

 

I have this reoccurring fantasy - that I have an oracle (Crystal ball/Magic Mirror/Magic TV).... and I can simply say "Show me their last conversation from...."..... "Tell me what she was thinking when...".... "How many times did they"..."who is the fairest of them all"......and on and on. The ball/screen would light up and a voice tell me and show me video or even charts and data - of all I would want to know.

 

Oh how I wish to know .....with him and her... or do I? Or is it more important to know what’s happening right now with "us"

 

Sigh... I think "Faust" already sought that deal.

Edited September 19, 2013 by dichotomy

[jh664322]

Dont have much to say except I am there too and it hurts. Feeling like you arent the only one sometimes is a comfort.

 

[ladydesigner]

I obsessed about the MOW too initially. The same exact thoughts, what did she have? What was he attracted to? etc

 

Then I realized the one I should be concerned with is WH Why did he have such poor boundaries? Why are his coping skills so bad that when our M hit a tough point he cut and ran. I started focusing on my WH and began to realize WHO I was with. Healthy people do not have A's (I'm sorry they just don't).

 

Most people that have A's have very poor coping skills, Foo issues (family of origin), or some sort of personality disorder. Same goes for OW.

 

Obsessing about the OW's looks, meh, looks only last so long.

[photogirl2006]

I obsess over what they did during sex...how they got there....did he suggest it? I think he did... I think he wanted to prove to her she shouldn't have cheated on him. I feel sick to my stomach right now. I just let my husband do things sexually with me (no..nothing too weird! lol!) and the whole time I'm thinking..."did they do this?" I mean..seriously...who cares. He's with me now and not with her. She's seven states away (or something or other). So why does this still bother me????? It bothers me he only worries about his own pleasure too sometimes. It's my damn birthday but only he got off...he did apologize...I mean he's not a total ass, but still.....gar!

 

It bothers me knowing she did things to him that maybe I can't or don't. I'm still there...I know...move on. *sigh*

[Rager50]

The other woman is not the problem. The problem is why your husband would be willing to destroy your marriage. She's just a distraction. A convenient one, don't misunderstand...as long as she's the bad guy, your husband seems less culpable.

 

She didn't marry you; she didn't owe you anything. He did. He does. Block her on Facebook and focus on your husband. (Just my opinion.)

[photogirl2006]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. THank you. Thank you. You don't know how much this means today.

 

And yes, now I have to decide if I want a cheater, but he is a cheater who is really, really trying hard right now to make things right. So one step at a time and we'll see how things go. THank you. THank you.

 

Listen Sweetie,

 

You are grieving. It's normal. it's ok.

This is the way I look at it. YOU are his wife, she was a fling.

You are the most important part of his world. She got thrown away the minute you found out.

He chose you. He chose to stay home and try to work it out with you. YOU are so much more of a woman then that girl could ever dream of being. She PALES in your shadow. She couldn't even begin to compare to you on your worst day.

 

Think about it like this: YOU didn't even know you were in a competition and still won While she gussied up to her best every time he laid eyes on her, you were at home with your make up half off, hair up in a pony tail, and comfy sweats on....and you still won. She was putting on her best flirt, her best behavior, her best dress while you were at home making dinner and doing dishes in a pair of old ratty sweats....and you still won. She was laying on the charm, the giggles, the googly eyes.....and you were talking about bills and laundry, kids and the dogs. You still won.

YOU are such an amazing woman that you blow that girl out of the water!

 

Don't look at her FB, just don't and if you have to.....look at how plain she is, how low she is. Look at what little self respect she must have for herself to involve herself with another woman's husband. No woman worth a damn would lower herself to that! Look at how desperate and pathetic she is /was to go after a married man. How low her self esteem must be to accept him / his lies / his breadcrumbs of attention / his cheating!! I mean really what the hell kind of woman actually WANTS a cheater???? A LOSER???

 

Don't ever think that she had something you don't.....it's just the opposite, you have everything she could ever want, including your H.....if you choose to keep him. YOU have that choice, she doesn't. She got thrown under the bus. YOU have it all and so much more..........she has nothing, not even a sliver!

[photogirl2006]

This is complete utter rubbish' date=' this is making out the ow is to blame. you are not living in reality and completely giving her the wrong impression as to what is happening here. You are just telling her what she wants to hear not what she needs to hear. sorry op :eek: I would not ever want to be my MMs BS, ever. She needs to concentrate on her H not on the OW for sure and what went wrong with their marriage.[/quote']

 

You don't know me ut I am concentrating on my husband, our marriage and what went wrong as well. I think what she said, in my case, is accurate, but it is not accurate for everyone. I appreciated her comments and you should consider yourself lucky you are not your MM's BS and hope that some day you are not the BS. IF you are or were sleeping with a married man then I hope you will stop so the wife stops getting hurt.

[pinkstraws]

I like what BeenKilled said too!

 

Being reminded that the OW tried her 100% best and FAILED to keep your H is a confirmation of the marriage and it is an awesome thing to say.How much better is it to have THIS thought in your head than the six zillion demons and insecurities that float around in your mind after an affair is discovered.

 

Anyone who says that OW mean nothing, should be forgotten or ignored, or are not to blame is saying something that no BS can actually think or feel or do in the early stages after finding out, maybe ever. You have to get your head around who they are, what they offered and how and why your H responded to that BEFORE you can let it go. You have to come to terms with all of it and this requires obsessing for most of us, for a long time. That obsessing sometimes brings us down and causes us feel (irrationally) ugly, unwanted, stupid, etc. etc. and what Beenkilled said is the opposite of that and I loved it.

[pinkstraws]

Listen Sweetie,

 

Don't ever think that she had something you don't.....it's just the opposite, you have everything she could ever want, including your H.....if you choose to keep him. YOU have that choice, she doesn't. She got thrown under the bus. YOU have it all and so much more..........she has nothing, not even a sliver!

 

This is pretty much the best thing I've read in months. I may post it on my bathroom mirror.

[Coolit]

I like what BeenKilled said too!

 

Being reminded that the OW tried her 100% best and FAILED to keep your H is a confirmation of the marriage and it is an awesome thing to say.How much better is it to have THIS thought in your head than the six zillion demons and insecurities that float around in your mind after an affair is discovered.

 

Anyone who says that OW mean nothing, should be forgotten or ignored, or are not to blame is saying something that no BS can actually think or feel or do in the early stages after finding out, maybe ever. You have to get your head around who they are, what they offered and how and why your H responded to that BEFORE you can let it go. You have to come to terms with all of it and this requires obsessing for most of us, for a long time. That obsessing sometimes brings us down and causes us feel (irrationally) ugly, unwanted, stupid, etc. etc. and what Beenkilled said is the opposite of that and I loved it.

 

I disagree. While it is completely natural an a stage to obssess about the OW. Nothing to be ashamed of either. But the way to a healthier you is to daily practive an excersize getting the AP out of your daily thoughts. Oh for sure you will never forget but this OP has posted almost only about the OW. It is not healthy in R to stay like this and it is not healthy in divorce. There comes a time to start working on let ting go. And as she has blocked her an stopped "stalking" i believe she is moving in the right direction. Now she only needs to acknowledge and accept that the OW was an oppurtunity. And her H made the choice all on his own to cheat on her.

 

The sooner the BS makes the effort to shift their focus from the AP the better off they will be.

[Journee]

I like what BeenKilled said too!

 

Being reminded that the OW tried her 100% best and FAILED to keep your H is a confirmation of the marriage and it is an awesome thing to say.How much better is it to have THIS thought in your head than the six zillion demons and insecurities that float around in your mind after an affair is discovered.

 

Anyone who says that OW mean nothing, should be forgotten or ignored, or are not to blame is saying something that no BS can actually think or feel or do in the early stages after finding out, maybe ever. You have to get your head around who they are, what they offered and how and why your H responded to that BEFORE you can let it go. You have to come to terms with all of it and this requires obsessing for most of us, for a long time. That obsessing sometimes brings us down and causes us feel (irrationally) ugly, unwanted, stupid, etc. etc. and what Beenkilled said is the opposite of that and I loved it.

 

 

 

Yes, a lot of times I feel people expect the BS to take the high road every single time. We have to make the decision to divorce , we have to be class acts when interacting or choosing not to interact with the Other. We should process things by using steps 1. 2. and 3. Yeah, no. At times both the AP and WS will be every name in the book. They will be our mortal enemies. Other times just a fleeting thought. There are no guarantees about the aftermath. As I have mentioned before I am just now a year out and my anger stage hit like a semi truck. I did not think it would be this intense. I loathe them both at the moment. That's ok. I don't need any talking out of it or reasons why it isn't fair.

 

OP, you are feeling so many emotions and that's ok. For me the hardest thing about meeting other woman was keeping composed. No outbursts or tears. I was pregnant and had to make that choice. It was a blessing in disguise because the moment I heard her voice on my husband's phone... the bill I paid... my first instinct was to let them both know I wasn't one to get over on. I have had to survive my whole life by keeping a tough shell. Some stranger calling my H babe on a vm wasn't about to punk me. My H wasn't about to either. I was cool as a cucumber though because I had to be. Not because that's what I felt inside or because that's what they deserved. It's what I deserved. I retained my dignity. You are too!

 

Your H wronged you. He did something despicable and is at fault. OW should own her part too. You just work through the emotions as they come. Take them all on and you will be ok. I wish I knew when or the secrets to getting through them more quickly. Just keep posting if you need.

[Coolit]

 

Your H wronged you. He did something despicable and is at fault. OW should own her part too. You just work through the emotions as they come. Take them all on and you will be ok. I wish I knew when or the secrets to getting through them more quickly. Just keep posting if you need.

 

AP aside no one expects the BS to "take the high road" everytime but rather encourage them to do so because it is a forum and people are encouraged to make the best choices. Things that will make healing easier for them.

 

But this last part stuck out to me because I know how it feels where the xMM is not owning his part in the affair. I want him to. But you know what I know I have to do? Let it go. Why? Because nothing I can say or do will make him. And he is not a part of my M. Yeah an OW should own up to her part in deception. But no one can make her. So instead of wasting energy on her it is better to move on

 

As someone who was thrown under the bus though I can honestly say I am a little skeptical though in this area though.

When a BS comes on and talks about what a terrible person the AP is and crazy and a "fill in the blank" I wonder if this is the reality or just more gaslighting by the wS. After all I am a crazy **** disturber who wants to end their marriage because I told BW he was lying.

Bunny boilers and people who have had direct interaction with the AP of course are excluded.

[Journee]

AP aside no one expects the BS to "take the high road" everytime but rather encourage them to do so because it is a forum and people are encouraged to make the best choices. Things that will make healing easier for them.

 

But this last part stuck out to me because I know how it feels where the xMM is not owning his part in the affair. I want him to. But you know what I know I have to do? Let it go. Why? Because nothing I can say or do will make him. And he is not a part of my M. Yeah an OW should own up to her part in deception. But no one can make her. So instead of wasting energy on her it is better to move on

 

As someone who was thrown under the bus though I can honestly say I am a little skeptical though in this area though.

When a BS comes on and talks about what a terrible person the AP is and crazy and a "fill in the blank" I wonder if this is the reality or just more gaslighting by the wS. After all I am a crazy **** disturber who wants to end their marriage because I told BW he was lying.

Bunny boilers and people who have had direct interaction with the AP of course are excluded.

 

 

 

I'm sorry we just will not agree. I see it all the time with posters berating BS's. I have had it happen to me. " Sac up". "Quit being a doormat"'. " What are you a masochist?"

 

AP's becoming angry at the BS for not throwing the wayward out. For not making the hardest decision of their life. This is my experience from reading here.

 

The thing about feelings and emotions that bubble up are that sometimes they take you by surprise. I will not take heat for any of the emotions that pop up due to two other people's choices. I just won't. I also will not treat either of them poorly because it isn't me. I don't dislike OW for anything my wayward has said. She told me plenty enough to achieve that herself. I don't even blame my H at the moment. I blame myself. I knew what he was capable of before this. I just ignored it.

 

 

My point in posting was not to say that fixating on any one part is bad or good. Just that times like this will come for OP and it's ok to let herself feel it and work through it. To get through it for herself. Not for OW or WH. Not that she should come at OW with both barrels. Not that she should tear OW down to lift herself. Just for her to feel what she needs in the time she needs to.

[Coolit]

I was specifically talking about the obsessing over the OW. Not the other things you mentioned. And this OP has been very obsessive about the ow if you go and read all her posts. And it is tearing her up inside.

[Journee]

I was specifically talking about the obsessing over the OW. Not the other things you mentioned. And this OP has been very obsessive about the ow if you go and read all her posts. And it is tearing her up inside.

 

 

 

I responded to everything you mentioned in the post you quoted me in. I thought I did anyway.

 

 

I understand and in no way did I say to continue to her detriment. I was responding as someone who understands the rollercoaster she is on. I have read her threads in this section and have posted in them. I have advised her to not contact and work through this. These are emotions and feelings lots of BS have. They are there. They happen.

 

I'm not trying to argue with you that she should think on this every waking moment. I'm just stating my opinion and what is my own reality. She is not alone in her thoughts. There are several ways to deal with it. We all will go down different paths on this at different times. She will make it. She may not feel like it now but she will. In my opinion going through it rather than around it works best. Acknowledging her feelings and finding ways to navigate.

 

I'm not sure where we disagree.

[road]

'Nobody' here knows you, with all respect, I think my MMs BS would still be getting hurt whether he was sleeping with me, as you put it, i put it, loving me, i know that his BS will still get hurt, it has little or everything to do with me, but more to do with their marriage.

 

I think myself lucky i am not my MMs BS. But if i was, I would be looking to cut of his blls not the oW

 

 

Delusional.

 

There will never be a reason for the BS to forgive the AP. There is no reason, no need to, no motivation for forgiving the AP.

 

To do so is not needed by the BS to divorce.

 

To do so is not needed by the BS to recover.

 

OW must not have it going on because they settle for half a man.

[Betterthanthis13]

Delusional.

 

There will never be a reason for the BS to forgive the AP. There is no reason, no need to, no motivation for forgiving the AP.

 

To do so is not needed by the BS to divorce.

 

To do so is not needed by the BS to recover.

 

OW must not have it going on because they settle for half a man.

 

I don't know about this...

 

I am nowhere near ready to forgive the skank at the gym who screwed around with my ex, but my goal is to forgive her someday. For the time being I'm just avoiding anywhere she might be.

 

I don't want to be friends with her or tell her she is forgiven or anything lame like that. But I want to forgive and let go for myself. For me. So I can have some peace. Forgiveness=peace, not weakness... I'm not there yet but I definitely need to forgive in order to fully recover.

[Coolit]

Delusional.

 

There will never be a reason for the BS to forgive the AP. There is no reason, no need to, no motivation for forgiving the AP.

 

To do so is not needed by the BS to divorce.

 

To do so is not needed by the BS to recover.

 

OW must not have it going on because they settle for half a man.

 

Wrong. If you are a christian it is needed.

 

And also. Everything better said for some people.