Nasty abusive GF. Is it time to give up?

[Jamesp23]

I've been with my partner 3 years now, she's 48 I'm 44. We live apart although we did share a rental for a year but thats another story.

She's very insecure although tells me I am and we fight on average about once a fortnight where she tells me its over and gets very very nasty abusing me calling me a loser saying she can get any guy she wants and she doesn't need a loser like me. This is all via text. If I tell her not to abuse me she calls me a whiny bitch saying most guys wouldn't give a stuff. I tell her most guys wouldn't put up with it and would have told you to get lost years ago Instead of put up with the abuse for years like I have.

Our fights are always the same, she starts on me over crap, or doesn't trust me about something then we get into an argument and she tells me its over she can get someone better she will always be better than me because I'm a loser and all I will ever get other than her are whores because that's all I've ever had before her. She says she's the best I will ever get.

 

Basically she starts fights over petty crap. Things most people wouldn't even worry about or because she doesn't believe what I've told her. A few weeks back she told me she was going away with a friend. She said around mid September for about a week. A few weeks later she said she's going next Tuesday. I asked when she was coming back and she said I've already told you. I said no you said a week but that could be Tuesday to Tuesday or back Sunday etc. She started abusing me saying she told me and is not telling me again and I never listen and started abusing me saying what the F does it have to do with me anyway its none of my business. (Umm I'm your partner FFS)

Another example is at her family's Xmas party her brother asked me if I could hand out a bowl of prawns he had just cooked while he cooked some more. She had a go at me saying I'm a people pleaser and just trying to look good in front of her family (most woman would love their partners to be liked by their family, which they all do like me and I get along with them great.) Even her ex husband and daughters all like me and often stick up for me when we fight. Her ex has told her she's an idiot and that I'm a decent guy and don't stuff it up.

 

Her main problem is her moods. I think she's hit peri menopause and she started taking meds and was really good. But a few months later went off them saying she doesn't need them and that I'm the one who causes her moods as she's not like this with anyone else. Even though her daughters have told me otherwise. And I've said to her that's because no one else would put up with the abuse and nastiness you give to me.

 

When its good its great, we kiss and make love like we just met and are very affectionate to each other. I don't know why she's so insecure but denies it flat out saying I'm the one who is. I tell her I love her show her lots of affection and compliment her all the time. I do so much for her cook nice romantic dinners, breakfast, take her out for dinner, buy her nice things and pay for everything we do and i rarely get a thank you. In fact she often has a go at me saying i only do these things so i can look good and expect a thank you and for her to owe me big time even though none of that is true.

Im always there for her but she blames me or takes it out on me when things don't go right in her life.

She blames me for every single one of our fights because I get frustrated and end up ranting and raving whilst trying to defend myself so she turns it around and says that's why it's over even though it all started because she had a go at me in the first place over something that wasn't true etc.

 

She has double standards, I'm not allowed any female friends but she has male friends. I can't go out with some mates because she says guys get drunk and try to pick up woman, yet she's allowed to go out with her girlfriends whenever she wants too. She can perve on a hot guy on TV but if a hot chick comes on and I'm looking she cracks it.

I could write a book on the crap we've fought about and how she turns it all around to be my fault.

At the moment I'm on day one of no contact after she blamed me for yet another petty thing and abused me saying it was over. But I'm not sure I really want to get back with her this time or at the least I want to stop the abuse and nastiness from her. Am I kidding myself that she will ever change and should I just move on now finally. Or is there a way I can turn this around and stop all of this crap and abuse from her. I think it's my own fault for allowing it in the first place but I just don't know how to stop It now.

Thanks for reading.

Edited September 18, 2013 by Jamesp23

[Philosoraptor]

Yes, it is your own fault for allowing it. You've trained her into believing what she is doing is ok. You need to put your foot down. If I received a crazy text like that I'd simply respond "blah blah blah, talk to me once you're ready to have an adult conversation".

 

She is nuts and controlling, and you can't change that. But you need to grow a backbone and let her know her behavior is unacceptable and you'll do what you want to do. Honestly I wouldn't get back with her. If she tries to come back tell her that her behavior has been unacceptable and you're going to find someone who treats you with respect. Then stop responding to her and go about your life, shackle free.

[Nyla]

Leave this woman and never return. She has no interest in changing or being more respectful.

 

My husband handles my anger management issues by leaving the house for an hour if an argument becomes too heated. He also refuses to talk to me if I am shouting. If I was not willing to attend therapy to work on my problems, we would not be married anymore. I own my s h I t and try to do better. Therapy has helped a great deal but some of the damage is beyond repair.

[Jamesp23]

I was going to send her an email telling her all the things Im not happy about such as her lack of disrespect for me, the way she treats me and abuses me etc. But then I would be breaking no contact so decided not too. Should I wait until she contacts me again and then maybe send it?

 

Our latest fight was over facebook. First let me say that I know shes not cheating on me in anyway. I have Fb but hardly go on it if at all because when we first met she got ****ty saying guys go on Fb to pick up, so I stopped going on there as it really didnt bother me. She has FB but uses it mainly for her slot games to log into them.

 

Awhile back in one of our fights she changed her profile relationship status to single and blocked me. I didnt know this until recently. I asked her to change it but she didnt. Then she changed her profile picture to one of us but with me cut out. I brought it up again recently as someone we know asked me what was going on and why her status was single. We were getting along at the time and I even started with "i dont want this to cause a fight but why is your status still single and Im still blocked from your FB?" I said that someone asked me about it and it makes me look like a fool so can you change it please.

She started cracking it saying Im so insecure and I live my life through other people always caring about what other people think blah blah. She unblocked me and changed it to in a relationship but the next morning she commented on it with icons of a car and a love heart (She just brought a new car) I caught on that shes done this so if anyone asks whos the relationship with she can say shes in love with her new car.

 

Im guessing her reason for this is that at some stage back when weve had a fight shes told one of her friends that shes split up with me and probabaly went on about how I was this or that and how she would never get back with me again.

She doesn't want that friend to know she did get back with me as shes probably embarressed about it and feels like an idiot after telling them Im so bad and shes moved on etc.

Ive spoken to her 20 year old daughter about this and she fully agrees that is the reason why.

My FB has a profile pic of both of us and says Im in a relationship and always has. If I was to change it she would crack the ****s. Although when I said that to her she says, change it I couldnt care less what your FB status is. Its the same with when not long after we first met I was at a work xmas party and supposed to be going out to a pub afterwards. She cracked it saying guys go out to get drunk and pick up girls so to make her feel at ease I had the guys drop me at her house on their way out and I watched Tv with her daughters until she got home from work that night.

But now when i bring that up she says things like, "I didnt care if you had gone out, your the one who didnt want to go out" and makes out like all the times shes been jealous and insecure never happened and shes never cared if I went out or whatever.

I just cant win with this woman. Her own daughter even said the same thing SHES NUTS.

[pteromom]

Ummm. Yes. Give up.

 

I am wondering if she comes from an abusive past - like her ex-husband was abusive to her or something.

 

Because it's almost like she has a "get him before he gets you" vibe to her - like if she controls and berates and demeans you, she is in charge.

 

You can do much better than this. What a horrible relationship, and I think once you get a couple months down the road, you are going to look back wondering what you were even thinking.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

She is sick and you are enabling. Get some self-respect buddy and dump her. Don't sink your energies into this bottomless pit that just pays you back in abuse.

[clia]

I was going to send her an email telling her all the things Im not happy about such as her lack of disrespect for me, the way she treats me and abuses me etc. But then I would be breaking no contact so decided not too. Should I wait until she contacts me again and then maybe send it?

 

Forget the e-mail. If she contacts you again, just tell her it's over. Don't get into all the "whys." That will only end up with her promising to change and you ending up in the exact same place you are in now. Just tell her it's over, end of story. No need for long e-mails explaining or rationalizing your decision.

[Jamesp23]

She definitely doesn't come from an abusive past. I know her ex husband well and he is a very nice guy and wouldn't hurt anyone. After three years I would have known if something like that was going on.

Her family are the same too. They are all very nice and very family orientated.

 

I really don't know where it comes from. Same with her insecurity. She's very attractive looks 10 years younger than she is and has a lot of men look at her when we go out. She used to be online and had a lot of guts after her and even now some of them text her from time to time to see if she's single yet so they can date her.

 

I think all of her behaviour stems back to her insecurities but I don't know why she is so insecure.

I know I should leave her but must admit I can't. I start reminiscing about the good times we've had together. Or think about planned trips away we have coming up and all of that and it makes me sad and miss her.

 

I suppose I should also add that we were living together for a year but when our lease expired she wanted us to live apart. My two sons used to come over and being young boys they would wrestle and what not. She said she can't handle it and that they were brats. To the point that when she's being nasty she will say things like "leave me alone and go and have the brats for the weekend"

She says they don't speak to her but that's only because they know she hates them. My mum even asked me why do I always go out with her for her daughters birthdays but she never does anything with my kids.

We've been living apart since last November and everytime I have my kids on a weekend once a month she cracks the ****s starts a fight and ignores me all weekend. It's the same everytime. My sons are always asking if they can come over more like every second weekend but I don't have them to avoid fights with her. I know that's wrong but I can't help it.

I'm stuck in this relationship and don't know how to get out because I'm too scared of being alone. I know I can find someone else. I've lost 40 kgs over the last 3 years and look the best I have in 10 years. But it doesn't make it any easier.

[darkmoon]

"Her ex has told her she's an idiot and that I'm a decent guy and don't stuff it up"

 

well, this is very telling, her ex must have seen this side of her too, you know this deep down - so must you date a screwball?

 

when I read the thread's title "nasty abusive..." I honestly thought it would be about a messed-up teenager, an object of pity, am middle-aged, srsly she's a maniac, no self-control

[GorillaTheater]

My sons are always asking if they can come over more like every second weekend but I don't have them to avoid fights with her. I know that's wrong but I can't help it.

 

You bet your ass that's wrong. It's choosing a mean-spirited abuser over your own children, or perhaps even worse, choosing not to upset a mean-spirited abuser over your own children.

 

Get your priorities right, man. And if you stay with her (why you would is beyond me), for crissakes stop walking on eggshells.

[Jamesp23]

Walking on egg shells is exactly what I do when I'm with her. I put my phone on silent and do not disturb in case I get a call from someone that's going to upset her.

I'm always careful of what I say or do in case it starts a fight. I am a craft beer brewer and like to have a couple of beers at night during and after dinner. She will usually have one stout with me, but if I pour myself a second one she starts on me saying I'm an alcoholic and I drink too much. She even used to crack it if I brewed more than once a month and still does even though we don't live together anymore.

 

I just don't know how to get out of this.

[Philosoraptor]

You say "enough is enough". I promise being alone with the prospect of meeting someone great for you is a hell of a lot better than being in this relationship with nothing but eggshells and misery.

 

If the relationship is currently "off" then leave it that way. You don't live together anymore, so take that as a blessing. You really don't have to do much at all right now, just don't answer her calls or texts and don't get back together with her.

[peaksandvalleys]

Leave this woman and never return. She has no interest in changing or being more respectful.

 

My husband handles my anger management issues by leaving the house for an hour if an argument becomes too heated. He also refuses to talk to me if I am shouting. If I was not willing to attend therapy to work on my problems, we would not be married anymore. I own my s h I t and try to do better. Therapy has helped a great deal but some of the damage is beyond repair.

 

 

I agree with this. Please leave now.

[Keenly]

You don't even realize that you are trying to make excuses for her.

 

 

Tell me.... is it difficult to stand up when your spine has been surgically removed? I would never let another person, let alone my girlfriend, treat me like that. The second she went off about how I was awful and could never find anyone better, I would tell her to watch me prove her wrong as her vagins withers and dries up and she dies alone.

[Keenly]

Walking on egg shells is exactly what I do when I'm with her. I put my phone on silent and do not disturb in case I get a call from someone that's going to upset her.

I'm always careful of what I say or do in case it starts a fight. I am a craft beer brewer and like to have a couple of beers at night during and after dinner. She will usually have one stout with me, but if I pour myself a second one she starts on me saying I'm an alcoholic and I drink too much. She even used to crack it if I brewed more than once a month and still does even though we don't live together anymore.

 

I just don't know how to get out of this.

 

How about " your a huge bitch and I deserve better so leave me the hell alone you psycho controlling sociopath . "

 

 

That should Do it. You need to get your balls back , suck it up, and take the pain of the breakup if you ever want to be happy again .

[Zahara]

My sons are always asking if they can come over more like every second weekend but I don't have them to avoid fights with her. I know that's wrong but I can't help it..

 

If this isn't the most f***ed up thing I've ever heard. Choosing an abuser over having your kids over that want to spend time with you, love you, and enjoy their father. WTF.

[Keenly]

Seems more like you are her pet than her boyfriend.

[Quiet Storm]

This woman is dealing with mental issues.

 

The black & white thinking (she loves you one day, thinks you're evil the next), picking fights, never accepting blame, threatening to leave you & saying you can't get any better (her fear of abandonment- she will leave you first or shame you into staying to avoid being dumped)...those are Borderline Personality Disorder traits.

 

She may not be a full blown Borderline if she doesn't self harm, or make suicide threats, but still has Borderline traits.

 

Its not you, or her husband. It's her. Her own personal issues will prevent her from having a healthy relationship with anyone. She will probably always be this way, unless she has many years of intense counseling. Even then it's not promising (if she is a borderline).

 

When you do leave, it is probably going to be lots of drama. She'll probably tell her family lies about you, tell people you were the abusive one, do sneaky & vengeful things to you. She will play the victim, big time.

[freestyle]

This woman is dealing with mental issues.

 

The black & white thinking (she loves you one day, thinks you're evil the next), picking fights, never accepting blame, threatening to leave you & saying you can't get any better (her fear of abandonment- she will leave you first or shame you into staying to avoid being dumped)...those are Borderline Personality Disorder traits.

 

She may not be a full blown Borderline if she doesn't self harm, or make suicide threats, but still has Borderline traits.

 

Its not you, or her husband. It's her. Her own personal issues will prevent her from having a healthy relationship with anyone. She will probably always be this way, unless she has many years of intense counseling. Even then it's not promising (if she is a borderline).

 

When you do leave, it is probably going to be lots of drama. She'll probably tell her family lies about you, tell people you were the abusive one, do sneaky & vengeful things to you. She will play the victim, big time.

^^^^

 

I had the same impression, based on the description of her behaviors.

(BPD)

 

 

 

OP---

 

My recommendation is to extract yourself from that situation, but do it carefully. And do a little reading & research into Cluster B personality types.

 

 

What really bothers me is that you're throwing the relationship with your children under the bus, to please this woman. (who refers to them as "brats") Seriously?

 

And BTW---your unavailability to your children--may be very scarring for them.

 

They've already been through the trauma of their parents divorcing/breaking up....

 

Feeling rejected by their own father (or de-prioritized) could have a lifelong negative impact.

 

Please think long & hard about the message that your kids are receiving from this....

[Jamesp23]

I know what your all saying and I feel ashamed for what I've done especially to my kids. My ex wife often has a go at me and says "you would choose some woman over your own kids?" My dad and sister say the same thing that I should be getting out and can find someone who treats me right. My dads wife said I'm a good looking guy with a great job and a heart of gold and deserve a woman who treats me nicely and she doesn't deserve to be with me.

 

It just frustrates the hell out of me that she thinks she's the one who is right and hard done by and can't see that what she's doing is wrong. Despite people like her eldest daughter and ex husband telling her she's wrong and treats me like crap.

She's the most stubborn person I have ever met.

 

And yes she does get very nasty when we have split up in the past. The other day she wanted something of hers I had and I told her I would get it dropped off later in the week. She said "Bring it over now or I will **** you up"

 

Then yesterday she sent me a text about something and I had to respond. I sent her a text saying to leave me alone dont contact me, Im moving on as I agree this will never work etc etc. I didn't abuse her or blame her just said Im sick of walking on egg shells every time Im with her wondering what shes going to blow up about next.

Then she started abusing me telling me I'm a loser and no woman will ever stay with me when they find out what I'm really like. She said she's been telling me to F off for ages now and only took me back because she felt sorry for me, said I will always be an insecure loser, and that a stupid delusional **** could never please her and the love if that's what it was left ages ago from her. She finished with do not respond and I didn't. 5 mins later its "goodbye loser".

Then ten mins later I get a text saying I have all that I want in my life, great kids, great family and friends, no stress now that your out of my life etc etc.

I still didnt respond as I know she was just trying to get me to argue with her.

I think she realised I meant what I said because I've never told her its over before and always said to her that if I ever did I would mean it unlike her who says it every second week just about.

 

I think the only reason I stay with her is because I don't really have any friends and worry that I'm going to be alone and bored especially on the weekends. When I split with my ex 5 years ago I had to go and live at my mums and I was bored and lonely and missed my 4 kids as I only got to see them every second weekend. I weighed over 280 pounds so that made me even more depressed.

 

This time around things aren't as bad, I'm living in my own place lost a heap of weight and weigh 176 pounds so certainly have the confidence to find someone new. (Her attempts at telling me I cant get anyone else dont work at least as I know I can)

But maybe the trauma of the first time has affected me. I don't really have any friends though and she has a lot to do with that. She would crack it if ever I wanted to do something with a mate.

 

Anyway appreciate all the advice and posts. I just keep reading them anytime I miss her or feel like I want her back and it reminds me of why I need to do this.

[freestyle]

The more time you spend AWAY from her toxic influence, the more your head will begin to clear.

 

Eventually you won't be hearing the endless loop of her negative tapes, & criticisms in your head---you'll be getting re-acquainted with the sound of your OWN inner voice.

 

You'll start to regain your self-esteem with time & distance.

 

Being alone IS better than being with someone who calls you a loser.

 

If you were to stay with her--not only would she have kept you from your kids, but eventually her poison would have spilled into their lives as well.

[Downtown]

James, I agree with QuietStorm and FreeStyle that the behaviors you describe -- the temper tantrums, verbal abuse, rapid flips between adoring and hating you, always being "The Victim," irrational jealousy, and black-white thinking -- are classic traits of BPD.

Im sick of walking on egg shells.

That's why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused partners) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells. Of course, reading a book won't allow you to diagnose your GF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, by learning the warning signs for BPD, you will be able to better protect yourself by spotting the red flags for BPD. Doing that is not difficult because there is nothing subtle about traits such as temper tantrums and verbal abuse. Absent such knowledge, you are at risk of leaving this abusive woman only to run right into the arms of another one just like her.

 

I therefore suggest you read more about BPD traits, e.g., in the book I mentioned above. An easy place to start reading is my description of what it's like to live with a BPDer at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, James.

[Nyla]

Having an abusive past is NO EXCUSE. I come from an abusive home and I have been with two abusive men.

 

It is not my fault that I have anger management issues from my past, however I would only have myself to blame if I chose to keep being the same person.

 

Anyone who wants to heal and become healthier will do the work.

[bubbaganoosh]

Let me ask you this. Re read your thread. If this was some other guy what would you tell him? Would you tell him to stay or go?

 

When you say that you do have some good times in this train wreck of a relationship weigh it against the bad times and the abuse. Then you'll have your answer.

 

Ask your self. Self. Do I deserve better than what I'm getting? Then you'll have your answer.

 

Ask yourself. Self. Am I happy with an abusive partner? Then you'll have your answer.

 

Friend, you don't need any of us to tell you what you should already know. Get out of it now. Try to preserve your dignity and self respect and find a woman who will give you what you should have.

[Nyla]

James, you will leave when you have had enough and not a moment before that.

 

I did not leave an abusive home until I was 21. I could have left before that age, but I wasn't ready yet.