Mr. Gullible Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Hello, I am going to seen a bit naive, which is why I am asking the ladies this question. I started a relationship several months ago. It lasted 3 months and ended AFTER a great weekend away. It had been on and off during the 3 months we dated. The closer we got, the more she freaked out. We got on fine and never really fought about anything. She had even said after the weekend away that "we had a good thing going", and the she was very happy. 6 days later...gone, just like that. Fast forward 2 1/2 half months later and we are going out for drinks. We have not spoken sinse she broke it off, but we have traded e-mails off and on during that time. They have not been hostile but distant. I sent her a Halloween e-card and her response was very pleseant and inviting. Like I wish we could see each other. I could be wrong, but I got the sense that she wanted to get together. So I thought about it for a few days and asked her for a drink. Her response was that she "whould love to have a drink". In fact she said it twice in the same e-mail. Now after I have dumped a woman, the last thing I ever do is want to see that person much less have a drink with them. But she knows that I liked her a lot and that I did not want things to end. She knows it was hard on me and was quite cold blooded right afterwards. Not mean, but did not want to deal with it at all. ALL of my other friends that are women say the same thing...she want to sleep with you. I do not assume that, but I was a little confused but her enthusiasm in wanting to see me. I fully expected her to say no way. My question to the ladies is why would you want to see someone you dumped a few months before after having no verbal contact? Are we as men that gullable? I don't think it is so that we can be "friends." That would be very difficult for both of us. She has said that she would have a hard time seeing me with another woman and I have NO desire to see her with another man. Keep in mind, the future together is what scared her off. She said many times that she could see a future with me and I was cool with that. Does she have an agenda, or am I reading into something that is not there? Thanks!!!
missopinionated Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 I think the question is actually why would YOU want to see someone who dumped you two months ago? There are LOTS of nice women around who don't need to screw someone over. Perhaps you could go out with one of those instead?
Author Mr. Gullible Posted November 24, 2004 Author Posted November 24, 2004 Well now...that IS a good question, but not a simple one. Although I was on the receiving end of it this time, I have been in her shoes before. I have a broken up with nice women because I have my own issues. We both have had "tough" childhoods that have been the cause and the effect is the fear of engulfment/abandonment/intimacy, all of the above. I am older than this woman and have done a bit of research into this illness, and I do believe is it an illness. She is not really sure why she did what she had to do, but I understand it completly. Both when she did it to me and when I did it to others. The bottom line is that we really liked each other and OUR issues made things end. We did not have fights, we just did not have the tools to make it work out....yet. I am sure that there are plenty of "nice" girls out there and maybe I will meet one and this will not be an issue. But I feel that with education and maybe talking it through, maybe things could work out. But I am using this to educate me first, because I don't want to take the same old baggage to the next woman I get involved with. I feel this is an opportunity that I cannot pass up. For me it is win/win. Either I work things out with this woman, who I think inspite of her issues, is a good person who does not take joy in hurting, or I learn a heck of a lot about how I work, which I am doing. Win/Win. Besides, I think that people are too willing to disgard people who are not perfect or "healthy." Most healthy people I know are a nutty as everybody else. Everybody has there issues...everybody! I thank you for your response, but you did not answer my question.
missopinionated Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 Well, I can tell you this. I also come from a history of abandonment and from a very difficult and disappointing childhood. I also had huge issues with the leftovers from my past and man, did I use that stuff!' I married a man who had every bad quality of my parents (my parents also have/had a lot of good qualities: more about this in a minute). I did everything I could to change my parents through my spouse, who also had some pretty bad issues of his own. I beccame really sick of it all, after a while, tossed the spouse (I am very much simplifying here) and figured it out that yah, fine, I had a ****ty childhood but that it is MY life now. So here's the deal: you can let the past be the thing that defines you or you can let HOW you deal with your past define you. I chose door #2. There was no way that I was going to allow my parents' various faults to define how I lived my life. I am very happily married to a very whole man and have three whole children. I know what stuff I hated about my growing up and I know exactly what I won't inflict on my husband or children. So, again, the question is "why do you want to date someone who dumped you?" If you have abandonment issues, the last person you should wish to choose is someone who has proven they will abandon you. A point: the first person you have to deal with here -- the one who may also abandon you from time to time -- is yourself. Those of us who have this type of issue tend to dump ourselves on occasion. Understanding that is a big deal. AS to my parents' good qualities, now that I am absolultely sure of who I am, I am able to see their good qualities and to draw on those. I also got to be friends with my dad before he died and with my mom. HUGE bonus.
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