PJ999 Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 (edited) I'm in a complex situation... I am soon marrying a man in the US (Friday the 20th), and on the side I still have contact with a man that I really love who lives in my home country, the Philippines. The thing is before I really loved the man that I will marry soon, but he cheated on me. After he cheated on me we still got engaged because I still had feelings for him - and because it was a way out of my bad living situation in the Philippines (unhappy, poor and bad family situation). In the US I will study so I can get a good job and provide for myself. Then as I was waiting for my K1 visa what happened is I met that other man (he's from Europe). We were just friends in the beginning and we both really didn't expect things to turn into a serious relationship, but slowly it did. We became closer and closer as time passed and we loved each other more and more over time. We lived together for close to 2 years. In the end I did not feel love for the man in the US anymore (only care) because my love was all for this man. He knew about my engagement, I told him 2 months after we met and he was ok with that at the time. But now my K1 Visa has been approved and I have recently moved to the US and am now living with this other man, and my marriage is due on Friday the 20th. The man from Europe now tells me he misses me very much and wishes that I will come back. But the problem is, he has no means to support my study so I can create a better job feature for myself which is what I want, and he doesn't have any income at the moment (he's living off of his savings that are running out). So that worries me. I've got a chance with this man in the US to make something of myself so I can become financially independent and also help my family. And With this other man I feel my feature is uncertain, but he is the man I love now. Please help me decide on this important decision. And please don't judge me, I'm just trying to make the best out of the situation. I'm not a gold digger. I care for both men and the man in the US loves me very much and I would feel very guilty leaving him also because I know it will cause him a great deal of pain. I know the man from Europe loves me a lot also (I feel more) and misses me a lot now and I feel not good about that also, I don't know what to do. Am I doing the right thing? I want to study, and I don't want to hurt anyone. If I would cancel the marriage my family would think bad of me also. Edited September 18, 2013 by PJ999
Philosoraptor Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Yes, yes you will. You are currently with someone you don't trust and aren't happy with. You have loving feelings for someone else. You also can't stay with someone to not cause any pain. Seems like you're lying to yourself here. You love one, but the other provides security for your life. You need to make the right decision for your own happiness here. Having heard and read stories like this though... I see you marrying the financial provider in the US then validating your future cheating by "he cheated first". 1
TigerCub Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Please! Is anyone going to say anything on here that will get you to NOT marry this guy in 2 days? No. So what is the point of this thread? You're going to follow through and you are a gold digger. You're going to "commit" to someone just so that they provide for you and help you get a better future. What part of that isn't gold diggerish? He cheated on you first and your mistake was not dumping him, but you have your sights on other things, certainly not fidelity and love with this guy - so whatever, go marry him, use him, divorce him, and have him spend money on you after the divorce because you don't have job experience and you will need his assistance. Ooooh, pop out a few kids too - that will definitely ensure that he will be providing for all of you for about 18 years per kid - huh? huh? think about it ****For those that can't tell - that was sarcasm **** The guy was an ass for cheating on you - but it's on you for staying and it's on you for using him. Oh and that crap about 'I don't want to leave him because he loves me and that would hurt him' really? Do you listen to yourself? So leaving him will hurt him, but cheating on him wont? Cut the crap and just say it like it is. 2
Life'sGood Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Please! Is anyone going to say anything on here that will get you to NOT marry this guy in 2 days? No. So what is the point of this thread? I agree. You will marry him in 2 days and then when the time comes, you will get a divorce simply because you don't love him and you don't have any need for him anymore. Tell me though, if you were to cancel the wedding, what will happen? How are you going to go back to the Philippines? If there's one thing that I can advise you, it is, do what you think will make you happy in the long run. You are the one getting married, not your family. 1
Solcita2 Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Please read all the threads of the OP... seems a bored person because a few months ago "she" was her BF, lacking sex interest in her... Then again the BF, concern she was no longer intested in him because she went away and wouldn't contact him... Then again the BF because she left to US And now it's her... WTF? 2
Els Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Please read all the threads of the OP... seems a bored person because a few months ago "she" was her BF, lacking sex interest in her... Then again the BF, concern she was no longer intested in him because she went away and wouldn't contact him... Then again the BF because she left to US And now it's her... WTF? Very good point...
Author PJ999 Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 (edited) I just made the post in my girlfriends point of view because I wanted to see what kind of advise people would give her. I just talked to her again, she tells me she loves me, but she doesn't want to hurt the other guy, he would do anything for her, and then... She stayed together with me before and I told her before we could start business etc. to make money, but that never really happened. I still have enough savings for a full years so still good time to start something up and I'm doing that right now. But i can understand that she feels a uncertain and concern about that. She could work in the philippines living with me but without an education that's $5 per DAY jobs, the wages are very low here. Edited September 18, 2013 by PJ999
smoky eyes Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I'm sure she really loves you and is torn but also wants to give herself and her family the best life possible. Can't you marry her and return to Europe? That might work for her..
stillafool Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 So basically you want to use the US guy to become a citizen here and make money. That is not fair and DO NOT MARRY HIM JUST TO USE HIM. Go with the man in Europe and become a citizen of his country. Geesh!
Daisy7 Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 (edited) Please please do not get married with this guy, you are pretty much using him regardless whether he cheated on you or not, you will be miserable if it is something you are already doubting. By your post it sounds to me like you just want an escape from your living situations and which ever guy will do this works for you. That is not fair don't marry for interest otherwise i highly doubt there will be happiness. Your really goldigging the crap out of this guy here not because you care. You cheated on him! so i mean seriously this already is a failure to begin with, there is no love just interest in your eyes. My co-worker told me and bragged to me (she is from the Philippines) that over there everything is better than the US and blah blah blah so i asked her then why did you come over to the US permanently she said just to send things back home. she hates her husband because he already did the deed to move her to the US and have her stable with a great paying job! I just feel this is not love is interest you could care less if he cheated, you just want out of your situation, don't use someone for this! Is not right. Get to the US on your own means if that is what you want don't use someone for it that is just so wrong! Edited September 18, 2013 by Daisy7
pteromom Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Here's the issue. You are writing it from her point of view based on what she has TOLD you. Who knows what she really feels. She may truly love this man. She may be too frightened to be honest with you and keeps stringing you along. Since she is getting married on Friday, you really don't have an option but to accept it and move on. Take your year's worth of savings and do something to better your own life. 4
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I too would bet anything that you are going to marry the U.S. guy on the 20th... but aside from that, I don't know that many of us are truly qualified to address/solve your equation, because we all take so much for granted about our lives, and we just don't see the same picture which you may have seen every day of your life to date. 1
M30USA Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I agree. You will marry him in 2 days and then when the time comes, you will get a divorce simply because you don't love him and you don't have any need for him anymore. Tell me though, if you were to cancel the wedding, what will happen? How are you going to go back to the Philippines? If there's one thing that I can advise you, it is, do what you think will make you happy in the long run. You are the one getting married, not your family. She will divorce him after she's gotten his sperm and 51% of his assets. 3
Mr. Lucky Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 I just made the post in my girlfriends point of view because I wanted to see what kind of advise people would give her. Then tell your girlfriend that marriage for any ulterior motive, be it money, status or immigration, seldom works. Even between loving, committed partners a union is hard work. Someone in it for another reason altogether won't put in the effort needed and resentment follows. I guess we could wait for your "I took half his stuff and left" post written from your girlfriends point of view six months from now... Mr. Lucky
Els Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 I just made the post in my girlfriends point of view because I wanted to see what kind of advise people would give her. If you want good advice, perhaps you may also want to be honest straight off the bat, rather than only after being called on it. Based on that, your story has even less credibility IMO. How do you even know what your gf's motive for marrying him is? Does it even matter? She's marrying another man! Why do you even need to ask us what you should do??? What else might you be hiding in your post? 1
Solcita2 Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 I just made the post in my girlfriends point of view because I wanted to see what kind of advise people would give her. And what about all the past crap about you not desiring her anymore and she no paying attention to you while gone? What's the point?
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