one month ago yesterday

[katty]

OK yesterday made it one month since my ex told me he was engaged to be married. Can someone please tell me why after not having contact with him or anything remotely close I find myself still crying over him? This is beginning to get a little crazy and I am beginning to feel hopeless. We have been broken up 3 months now and I can't seem to move on. Why do I feel as if my whole life is over? I never knew that I would be the type of woman who would believe a man was capable of making me feel this way. I have already went to seek meds but nothing is helping me. I am alone and I have nobody and I don't think I can take this anymore. I miss him and think about him all of the time even when I am trying to stay busy. How come something that I thought was so perfect go so wrong? I know I come on this board and it doesn't seem like I ever improve and now my business is failing and I can't even get myself comsumed with it to forget the pain. Why does it have to be this hard? I have had r/s that lasted a lot longer than this one ( 2 years with him) and for some reason I am not pulling out of this ok. I am scared and alone and I can't do this much longer.

Thanks for reading. Kat

[ltomlinson81]

Hold on... You have been broken up for only 3 months and already he is engaged to be married? If that is true, I can understand why you feel the way you do.

 

All I can say is keep keeping yourself busy. Spend as much time with friends as possible. Wake up everyday and get things done and you will start to see that you will be able to live without him!

 

And go out and meet some new men. Go on some dates... it will make you feel confident and like your own person again.

[katty]

Yes you read it right. He is engaged. When he told me that a month ago, I was blown away. I just really truly believed that we would eventually get our crap together and be back together. I did the no contact like everyone always recommends and by the time I did contact him that is what I got to hear is that he is engaged. I don't want to deal with this any longer. I hate that I miss him this much. I hate that he felt so little of me after all that we shared that he could replace me so quickly. I hate everything right now. I mainly just hate myself and my situation.

[moon]

I know exactly what you mean Katty. My ex broke up with me for somebody else (that's the way I see it). He started dating his next door neighbor about a week after he harshly dumped me. I have no idea of their current status because I haven't contacted him since. I haven't talked to my ex now in over 5 weeks and I found out about the new relationship a little over a month ago. One of the things that keeps me up at night is plain jealousy. I find I can sort of get through the day because I am not working right now and I can take walks, watch television, stroll around, talk to people on the phone, etc. But once it hits like 9 pm I become miserable again. I picture my ex and his new girlfriend spending all their time together. How can they not? They live right next door to each other. How could they avoid each other. I think their proximity to each other could mean that they could fall hopelessly in love with each other fast (could lead to marriage) or they will eventually hate each other and feel sufficated by the closeness of their living situation.

 

But this girl totally replaced me (and was actually giving ME relationship adive when I met her---telling me to move on because my boyfriend and I had too many problems!!!! Total manipulator!!). I dated my ex on and off for four years. We had been talking for six months before about living together. We planned the whole thing out. I moved from where I was living to live with him (we were long distance for the last year and a half) and when I got there we had some fights and he just gave up on the relationship and took up with his neighbor. I just picture her using and getting all the things he had promised me.....just stupid things....like my ex got me a gym membership and I picture him giving it to her. Or my ex wanted to go to Mexico for Christmas vacation and I picture him and her going now. Or there was a wedding of one of his family member coming up and I know he'll take her if he's still with her, yet he had already asked me to go. You know....it is mostly the jealousy that keeps me mad. I know we would not have broken up for good if he hadn't had this girl to fall back on. We have had about eight or nine break ups in the course of our relationship. I've initiated some and he others. We were once broken up for a year and he got in touch with me after that.

 

Anyway, I feel your pain. Not only do you have to get over the guy dumping you, but you must come to terms with the fact that the guy "replaced" you in a heart beat. My guy had only just met the new girl a month before. Somehow this makes me feel better. She didn't really know him or what he's capable of.

 

I just keep telling myself there was nothing I could really do about it. He and I had our problems and my ex took the easy way out. I am just not at all the type who can just transfer my love on to another person like that. I think it is very shallow and weird. But who knows how an other person's mind operates?

 

Good luck with your recovery. Your man, like my ex, sounds like a callous jerk. It hurts, huh?! I gotta do a better job of picking my man next time around.

[katty]

your right, I hate being replaced and I am sure it is a jealousy thing however I have to say that I really didn't see Blaine (my ex) for the type he has turned out to be. I always felt as if I had the upper hand in our r/s b/c I was the prettier one. lol. No all kidding aside he was different from my previous b/fs had one that I dated for 7 years who cheated every chance he got and Blaine is totally different from him. I didn't see any of the old signs. I have no idea how the stupid couple is doing they could be married by now all I know. I do know that they are living together. His new g/f informed me of that when she called me. I can't understand how he could want to marry someone that has only dating him a little over a month (but knew him a lot longer) and already be living with him and engaged. Our r/s was also a LDR but we or so I thought were both mature and could handle it. We both were very busy with our careers, etc. Am I just crazy for still loving him and I will also admit I pray at night for him to call me and tell me he made a mistake. How crazy is that? I know its crazy b/c why should I even want him back but I have to be honest, I do want him back. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish or pray for us to be back together. I also know I would do a few things differently. This time when he started talking about my moving in and our getting married, etc. I will just unload the back of my car. See I told you I had totally went off the deep end. Please help me get him out of my mind once and for all.

[moon]

Katty, my relationship was a LDR for much of the time too. In all honesty I realize now that I was being sort of slack on getting to him, when I knew I still had him. I was traveling and he was begging me to come back early and I just sort of thought he would carry on loving me like in the past. My ex had a lot of resentment towards me mostly because he is a big baby and wants what he wants like ASAP. I think this built up anger towards me helped him to find somebody fast. He felt like he could blame me a bit. We also had a number of fights that I am sure made me less attractive to him. But the way he let his next door neighbor girl just run in and out of his apartment while I was there (for five days) really ticked me off. She seemed to really have the upper hand with him. She was totally praying on both of us. She'd wake us up in the morning (while we were still in bed) to see what we were doing! She was just out for my boyfriend. It was sooooo painfully obvious. He assured me he only liked her as a friend. But you know.....when a break up happens and it's bitter....I guess it is easier to just go to the next girl and stab the old one in the back. But I think eventually there will be some regret, because that girl was such a manipulator and far too easy. Plus she has an old ex that she is pining away for anyway---so she told me.

 

I try to look at it like if I had married this guy (and believe me he had asked many times) then he probably would have pulled something like this on me when we had kids or were in a situation where it would have really killed to get out of. I think it is important to realize that dating is just sort of a dress rehersal to marriage. If during the practice run he's falling on his face, doing God knows what, and treating you like Sh*T then that is a very good indication that he will act like that later. I think some relationships do just get unhealthy too. Mine was on and off and we took for grantid that the other person was always there to "get back together with." We knew each other four years. That's a long time of running back to each other! But I guess for me I have to look at why we were breaking up here and there. We both had some fears about the relationship. My ex was the type who fooled around on at least one ex that I know about. But that was years ago and he seemed to suffer so much remorse from it I thought he'd changed. I could never cheat on a boyfriend---never have. That is just my character. So you have to wonder about somebody who would. What really goes through their mind when they are getting away with it? My ex maybe was a little sinister and it was high time I realized that. So that helps me move on a bit. I just felt like I had tested the relationship so much and this was the last thing I thought he would do to me.

 

Good luck in your recover. I've started therapy. I just went to my second session. I think it is important to stick with it. After the first session I was thinking.....this isn't helping. But after the second I felt like I was making a little bit of a break through. I realized I started dating my ex at a time where I was more looking for somebody to help me fill a void in myself. I guess I can be glad I finally got out of the relationship (and our old patterns) so I can go find somebody else who doesn't remind me of my former self four years ago---when I didn't have it as much together as I do now.

[Weird]

that's messed up if your ex staretd dating her after you and got engaged to her. I see that marriage going down in flames within 6 months.

[katty]

Yes Rob it is messed up but even though I know its messed up I can't seem to let it really sink into this thick skull of mine. I appreciate your help.

[missopinionated]

'

Whoa nellie, that man is not 'making' you feel any way. You choose to feel how you feel.

 

You asked if someone can tell you why you're crying over this guy. Here's why. You choose to.

 

Does it not occur to you that a guy who announces he's engaged only one month after 'breaking up' with you, was very probably in an actual relationship -- with someone else -- long before said breakup.

 

Why don't you stop feeling sorry for yourself and take a step back. You are well rid of this cheater and rather than being all mopey and acting like some victim, why don't you put some energy into someone who actually matters -- yourself!???

 

By the way, there is almost nothing as unattractive as a woman who pines for an idiot. Such is idiotic behaviour and you're not an idiot, are you?

[katty]

Thanks Missopinionated thats really what I needed tough love. NOT. No since in kicking me when I am already down. Do you not realize that all those things you mentioned are things that I have already thought about? Earlier post would have shown that.

 

[Why don't you stop feeling sorry for yourself and take a step back. You are well rid of this cheater and rather than being all mopey and acting like some victim, why don't you put some energy into someone who actually matters -- yourself!???

 

By the way, there is almost nothing as unattractive as a woman who pines for an idiot. Such is idiotic behaviour and you're not an idiot, are you?quote]

 

As for the above quotes of yours all I can say is I am not acting like a victim nor does anyone other than the wonderful people on this board know how I feel. I realize that the above is your opinion and like buttholes we all have them so thank you for your opinion even if I don't take any of your advice.

I appreciate your opinion but right now I don't need the tough love act I get enough of that here at home

[katty]

Thank you so very much ltomlinson81, moon & weird. Thank you for taking the time to share your time and support or story with me. I hate that others have similar stories but at least it does make me realize that I am not an idiot for feeling this way. Your post to me were very much needed and appreciated. I am trying so hard to get over this and when I am having a hard time dealing I post here and I hope that is ok. You will be in my prayers tonight along with everyone else on this board. The members here have always helped me at times when I didn't feel like I could go on one more minute much less one more day, week, etc. Just wanted to tell you how much it helped.

Love you guys. Kat

[ps123]

Hi Katty, Im really sorry to hear youre still feeling this way. Did you actually start taking meds? If so, they usuallly take 3-4 weeks to really take effect. I know... probably not what you wanted to hear.

 

If its any consolation, Im still pretty up and down too. This Thurs will be a month, and Ive had time to see how unhealthy my relationship was for me and all the disrespectful, inconsiderate and mean things she did to me, but like you, Im still having a hard time getting over this. Like you, I also fantasize about her calling and wanting to date again even though I know I couldnt or wouldnt want to handle it again. I dont trust her and am getting mad at her and have lost most of my respect for her. Nope, it doesnt make sense, but love doesnt a lot of the time .

 

I do know that when things were going really well between us, I started to question whether things would work between us, but as soon as shed start to pull away, Id immediately want her all the more. Do you think any of that is going on here? If he wasnt with someone else, do you think youd still want him back as much, or at all?

 

I also make wishes and hope at night, but lately rather than hoping for her back, Im just hoping to get through this and have it be the way its supposed to be, which Im starting to see is to go on with my life without her.

 

Also like you, Im starting to see how mean and cold she could really be, but my heart and mind arent in sync and my heart is still winning out. I just keep telling myself it will get easier with time. I could write a list of like 30 things that wouldnt work between us, but it still doesnt always help.

 

I agree with Weird. I see this new relationship or marriage or whatever it is hes in failing miserably within the year.

 

Im not sure why it doenst seem like youre getting better. I know its hard and doesnt make sense. I had a few nights last week where I realized I was playing the victim and feeling sorry for myself and it made me mad and really pulled me out of my stuff for a while. I was just thinking...Ill be damned if Im going to let her make me feel like **** all day and took a little control of my head. I realized that Im way better off and that shes the one whos going to miss out and continue to have messed up relationships until she gets help. Ive gotten down again the last few days, but it felt good to get this into my head, even if only for a little while. Im NOT saying youre playing the victim, but it was definitely part of what I was doing. To make matters worse, Im also dealing with parent issues from my past right now and that was also fueling my victim thinking.

 

I guess Id ask you something my therapist asked me. Do you want to get better? I know... odd question, but it made sense to me. I know there were times I wanted to stay sad and continue to play the victim because I got sympathy and attention from my friends. It also felt like by moving on, I would be abandoning her. How messed up is that? She doesnt want my help or even want to talk anymore, but I felt guilty for starting to let go.

Can you think of anything you gain by staying in this bad place? Can you think of any reason you wouldnt want to get better? Im not saying theres any reasons or that I have any answers. Im just throwing that out there for you to think about. It certainly made me think.

 

Im having a hard time too, because I was left with so many unanswered questions that Im sure Ill never have answers to. Its making it hard for me to let go without knowing some of these things.

 

Anyways, please hang in there. I know it feels like hell right now...im there on and off too, but I keep having faith that everyday will make it easier until its just a bad memory and eventually, Ill feel nothing when I hear her name. Who knows...maybe someday Ill just wish her the best and hope she figures things out. I know its scary. I was so depresssed last week that I was afraid I wouldnt pull out of it, but I did... or Im starting to anyways. I know its lonely too. I have plenty of friends and my sister and I know they all care about me a lot, but theres times I can be in a room full of them and still feel completely alone. It helps me to be aware of that feeling and to pull myself back to the present when it happens and to be thankful I have people who care.

Nights and mornings are the worst. Theres times Ill lay in bed and feel so lost and alone, and think that I'll be alone forever, but again, I keep having faith that it will get better with time, and Im trying hard to believe that this happened so I can move on and find someone that will really make me happy and give me what Im needing in a relationship. Be strong.

[Weird]

I don't know what you should do to try and get out of this funk but you may want to go seek some counseling if this issue is really making your business fail these days and is what is consuming your whole thought process.

 

What you need to do is get super angry at this jackass and realize you're much better than he is and he is doomed for failure and again, he just wasn't right for you. I know you know you need to think that but are having a problem with it but you have got to find a way to do it....I wish I could give the exact solution to it and you could go back to being how you were before that fugged up stuff happened.

 

Dont let that clown ruin your life for the near future and no, you aren't an idiot for feeling upset over the stuff that has happened with him and his now insane engagement.

 

I hope you can get the logical part of brain to take over and kick the emotional part's ass. It is tough to do (I know how hard it can be) but once it happens you'll be feeling great.

[katty]

thanks for your post. I am really trying to get all of this crap in my head figured out. If only I could get mad at him. I wish I could say he was a jerk but up until we broke up he never did anything wrong. Can you believe that? The lady who has replaced me in the group that I created, and have counseled is not working out for the group and I have gotten a lot of calls from members who are very unhappy with my replacement. One part of me thinks I would feel better if I went back b/c I some how feel better when I am helping. The weirdest thing about me is I don't let anyone know how I am hurting. So I know that holding on to these awful feelings are not for sympathy, etc. b/c I have totally avoided everyone. No one other than the members of this board know the he-- I am going thru over this break-up. In therapy I can't get the therapist to understand my feelings b/c he wants to blame all of this on my recent (not so recent now, March) attack. The attack was what caused me to step aside from my work at the center. I knew that the members needed a stronger voice than I had to offer at that time. I just wanted to say thanks. I am sure that Blaine is not the only reason I feel this way, my business just took a real big hit, and there is a time of the month that everything just gets to me. Thank you for your great words of wisdom.