Zenstudent Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 Thanks for chiming in with some thoughtfull answers - much better than anything I could come up with - I was about to panick when I realized I didn't have any friends Coolit, I really liked your reframing of the tip-comparison. It seems to me that you have a very good understanding, well as good as it gets i guess, of how it must feel to be a BS. As for the OP; the "non-consensual non-monagamy" is what I use to call a one-sided open marriage. I started using the phrase a few months after D-day when I realized I had absolutely no way of controlling my wife's behaviour, and that I either had to leave or live with the uncertainty. She had a hard time letting go of AP, claimed to be polyamorous and continued a very flirty attitude on social media. She was definitely in for the external validation rush, and I was a mental wreck. So I suggested that we entertained the idea of having a true open relationship and that I would start looking for a partner right away. The moment she realized that I was fully capable of and willing to go through with it, was the moment she turned around and discovered that the polyamour-thing wasn't for us. It killed her inside to think of me with another woman. She told me that the one-sided open marriage worked well for her, except for the guilt, but that the mutual open relationship, although more fair, didn't have any appeal - go figure. We've touched the swinging-subject a few times, but we take turns on reluctance, so we haven't actually done it yet, maybe it'll continue being a fantasy, and maybe it should too. Since her discovery of the "non-coolness" in sharing your partner, a lot of things has been easier, but of course we still have our issues to work on, if we can make it at all, that is. And Betterthanthis, thanks for starting threads and writing thoughtprovocative posts - it really often ads to my perspective of things. 1
Journee Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 I guess my thing is... how does anyone think a rape victim feels knowing that people equate it to a spouse being a cheater? Ok, well I am only one person but I have been raped and been cheated on. The two bring similar emotions in the aftermath but I can't say that they were parallel or anything. I think one makes the other hurt more. I feared for my life and was ashamed ...humiliated and wanted to die after the assault took place. I couldn't sleep in a bed for years after. I spiraled into a depression that I could not shake. I carried the trauma of that experience into my relationship with my husband. I trusted him. The only man I had ever felt safe with. When that trust was broken it has nearly killed me inside. Then to realize that there are so many people willing to take part in further humiliating a betrayed person really makes recovering from the pain difficult. Being raped was the most damaging moments of my life. To have a man that helped me through that and made me feel loved and safe to betray my already fragile trust... complete catastrophe. I am annihilated inside. Even with my explanation I can't speak for all victims of rape. I just feel one of those experiences just amplifies the other. It drives home the point of one actually being worthless.
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