chasxy Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 TweetShareShare If I do not show up to certain outing where she will be? She broke up with me after almost a year of dating because she said she never loved me. I tried to get her back at the time, but I failed, so I let be. We went NC for a few months, but I would see her here and there because we are in the same social circle. Such encounters have been brief and awkward. However, this upcoming fall are some outings/events that would entail us sitting together at the same table with mutual friends. I don't think I feel to comfortable with this arrangement. Being in the same bar or church is one thing, but sitting at the same table is another. She may be with a another dude and that would extremely awkward. I would rather not go, but my friends tell me that if I don't go, that she essentially "wins" because she has the power to drive me away. I hate that this has become adversarial in nature. Any good advice as to what's best? I think I have already proven my point by previously being in the same room with her and saying hello with a smile. However, I don't want to push my luck, especially since I have yet to see her with a guy. Better to save face and go, or save heartache and not go? Thanks.
Misfortune Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Do what's best for you. I wouldn't go anywhere if I know I'll be uncomfortable. This isn't about winning or losing, it's about making sure that you are ok. I wouldn't go, I have nothing to prove. 2
lindsay1990 Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I agree that you shouldn't go if you aren't quite up to it yet. However, I dare to advise you perhaps look into why you *feel* this has become so adversarial. Have you experienced pushing-pulling from your ex in your few contacts over the months? I am certainly not telling you "it's all in your head", but from what it sounds from this short description, it appears more to be you looking at it in a way of someone winning and the other losing. Like I say, one thing is to be awkward and unprepared and sad to face her, but another is to feel the antagonism so maybe you can explore and try to resolve that a bit? Do you think she feels the same antagonism towards you? Realistically? I mean, you are the are only one that knows the situation. In any case, if someone IS winning or losing, your friends would be right in that you not doing something social and potentially fun on account of her, and letting her spoil it, IS letting her win. For now, might be best to steer clear and focus on healing and maybe decanting the adversarial feelings, which to me are the bigger obstacle.
Recovered Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 ...she essentially "wins" because she has the power to drive me away. I hate that this has become adversarial in nature. I agree with Misfortune and Lindsay. There's no "winning" and "losing", there's no "power", and there really should be nothing "adversarial". You're obviously not over the breakup and you need to focus on your recovery. Do what's right for you. Think about YOUR life, YOUR activities, YOUR work/school, YOUR friends. She's not in your life anymore. It's a long process to accept, move on and become truly indifferent towards her. Since you feel uncomfortable being at the same table with her, and the possibility of seeing her with another guy bothers you, then avoid those situations. You're not losing. She's not winning. You're just doing what's right for you and your healing. When you’re completely healed, you’ll have what is the true opposite of love: indifference. What she's doing, what new romantic relationship she has… none of it will matter to you more than simple curiosity about someone from your past. You won’t tremble at her name, you won’t be scared of bumping into her at events like these, and the thought of her with a new partner won’t cause a wave of emotions. It’ll just be a memory from your past. 1
Author chasxy Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 Thanks all for the responses. My friends are the ones who mentioned this in terms of "winning" and "losing". But, nevertheless, this whole thing has caused me quite a bit of stress. When I initially saw my ex after the breakup, I would approach her and say hello for the sake of civility. She would respond politely and even somewhat friendly. I was relieved about this at first. But then a month passed and when I approached her again to say hi at an outing with mutual friends, she went cold on me, even rude. I was stunned. I am not sure what exactly happened, but I did find out later that she had been asking around if I was dating someone and was convinced that I was. I had in fact been on a few dates and was seen socializing with women (female friends, mostly) by my ex's friends. But, even if I was dating someone else, why should that have made my ex turned cold. She is the one who broke up with me, and she is the one who said we could remain friends. I am not sure if she expected to run back to her after our previous friendly encounter, but as much as I was tempted to do so, I could not. I had already tried to get her back months earlier during the breakup and she said no. Besides, I was turned off by the fact she told me she would have guys chasing after her, including all boyfriends who were married. I did not want to be like those guys and feed that ego. Also, when she said she wanted to remain friends, I asked her what that meant. She said we could sit at the same table with mutual friends, contact each other for our respective birthdays, and that I could call her for coffee sometime. When I asked her if she would ever call me for coffee, she said she had "full life" and barely had enough time for her friends to ever call. I was pretty hurt by that, but tried to continue to take the high road.
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Who deemed it a competition? There is no winning or losing. There is only self care. You have the "power" of choice. Choose to take care of your self. Say no to whatever events will cause you pain. And thus....you are very powerful. Over you own life. Cool, huh? 2
Viro12 Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Be a honey badger, honey badger doesn't care 2
Author chasxy Posted September 19, 2013 Author Posted September 19, 2013 what do you mean? "honey badger'?
Something123 Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 I think the above posters are right, you shouldnt be forcing yourself to feel uncomfortable, however, she is still present in your life, she will always appear, and you will always feel akward around her, so in my honest opinion, you should go and face her, because its the only way to overcome this, if you keep runing away, that uncomfortable feeling will always haunt you when you see her (or it will take more time to heal), make sure you dont have anymore hope of getting back with her, and try to make things natural, it will make your feelings for her go away faster. 1
Kizza Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 You are not losing if you don't go. You are protecting yourself, making yourself happy and looking after your emotional well being and so that in my eyes would be winning. If, however, you are going to sit at home on those occasions and do your head in wondering what she is doing, if she is with someone and what is happening at the event then you are a loser so maybe you could organize other things for those nights and do something else
robbysurfs Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 Guard your heart my friend....If it doesn't feel right then it probably isn't. Don't take offense by me saying if you still feel awkward and weird about it that usually means your not completely over her. That is ok, and your not weak and you havent lost you are simply trying to move though this phase of your life in the most comfortable fashion. If that means ditch a few gathering so she doesn't take up room in your head do it. Stay away and then it will become mind over matter...And by staying NC or away You put her out of your mind and then she doesn't really matter...Because at this point its not you verse her my friend its you verse you so be good to yourself...
Author chasxy Posted September 19, 2013 Author Posted September 19, 2013 Thanks...yes, I have told myself and my friends that I can do other, productive things those nights, like working out.
Author chasxy Posted September 19, 2013 Author Posted September 19, 2013 Thank you. I have in fact faced her post breakup on a few occasions. She was at first friendly, then cold when she thought I was dating someone else, then somewhat friendly (but distant) when I continued to take the high road and kept smiling/saying hello to her whenever I would see her. I think you touched on a point that makes this even harder for me: when I do see her, part of me wants to get back with her, which makes things anything but natural. I think when I finally reach the stage when I know there is not a scintilla of hope that she will ever come back to me. Logically, I know that point has long past, but emotionally, that is another story.
PR08 Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 Fundamentally disagree with the others. Power absolutely exists. Breadcrumbs is the best example of it.
Author chasxy Posted September 20, 2013 Author Posted September 20, 2013 Can you please elaborate on what you mean? Are you saying that I am in fact giving my ex power if I do not go?
robbysurfs Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 You have to know that the power is irrelevant because she is not your girl anymore. This is something you concocted in your head. Like you think if you dont show up she is gonna think "yes now I have the power" In reality you dont know how she feels or what she is thinking. I would stay away and try and move past this. Maybe one day you can be around her but right now you have some emotion invested. If you need to feel pain have one of your boys slap ya around but don't invoke it if it could be avoided. Don't let a thing like pride get in the way of better judgement.
Author chasxy Posted September 20, 2013 Author Posted September 20, 2013 "In reality you dont know how she feels or what she is thinking." You much correct in this statement and while I should not be concerned about she thinks or feels, I do. If I don't go, do I hand her a victory by giving her the "power" to drive me away? If I do go, do I creep her out and invade her space while she is with another guy or trying to meet another guy?
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 "In reality you dont know how she feels or what she is thinking." You much correct in this statement and while I should not be concerned about she thinks or feels, I do. If I don't go, do I hand her a victory by giving her the "power" to drive me away? If I do go, do I creep her out and invade her space while she is with another guy or trying to meet another guy? You are thinking WAYYYYYYY too much about this. "power" "winning" or whatever is all subjective. She left you because she wasnt in love with you. Anything past that feelings wise you are doing to yourself. If she sleeps better at night thinking she "wins" or whatever, what does it really f***ing matter? ALL that matters is you. Thats it. 1 of 1. If you feel comfortable being around her then go. If you dont, then dont. You are making this too hard on you and thus delaying any sort of recouping.
Author chasxy Posted September 21, 2013 Author Posted September 21, 2013 tThanks! I can certainly appreciate being slapped around...we all need that sometimes. In fact, most friends also accuse me of overthinking. I won't have as good a tiime as I should since I'll be distracted by he I'll hit the gym hard those nights instead. If she thinks a victory, let her have it. We all need to choose our battles. Besides, I am sure I'll run into at some other event that I will want to attend so much that I won't care if she is there.
Author chasxy Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 I did not go because some of my friends, including an attractive female friend did not go. However, I feel bad about it now because my ex did not show up after all and my friends are now disappointed in me. At least I did something productive by going to the gym.
oracle Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Don't Go Winning... is not wanting to jump off a bridge on your drive home from said event. TweetShareShare If I do not show up to certain outing where she will be? She broke up with me after almost a year of dating because she said she never loved me. I tried to get her back at the time, but I failed, so I let be. We went NC for a few months, but I would see her here and there because we are in the same social circle. Such encounters have been brief and awkward. However, this upcoming fall are some outings/events that would entail us sitting together at the same table with mutual friends. I don't think I feel to comfortable with this arrangement. Being in the same bar or church is one thing, but sitting at the same table is another. She may be with a another dude and that would extremely awkward. I would rather not go, but my friends tell me that if I don't go, that she essentially "wins" because she has the power to drive me away. I hate that this has become adversarial in nature. Any good advice as to what's best? I think I have already proven my point by previously being in the same room with her and saying hello with a smile. However, I don't want to push my luck, especially since I have yet to see her with a guy. Better to save face and go, or save heartache and not go? Thanks. 1
Misfortune Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I did not go because some of my friends, including an attractive female friend did not go. However, I feel bad about it now because my ex did not show up after all and my friends are now disappointed in me. At least I did something productive by going to the gym. You can't predict the future, nothing to feel bad about. Better safe than sorry IMO. 1
Author chasxy Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 Yes, I did feel horrible the last time I saw her and she gave me such a cold shoulder. I may very well feel like jumping off a bridge if I see her with some dude.
lindsay1990 Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Hey, there's nothing to be disappointed about in yourself. You are being strong. You are doing the healthy thing and avoiding a potentially stressful situation, that can set you back a lot emotionally, and out of which nothing particularly awesome could come of to make it worth the risk. Taking your time takes courage and self-awareness, very admirable traits both so be proud, not disappointed.
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