Should you date a religious person if you're not?

[irc333]

Some of those people would be compatible with an atheist, and some would not.

 

It is probably few and far between, when I find out that a Christian wound up dating an atheist it was usually out of desperation or the relationship wound up falling apart anyways.

 

But this "mantra" tends to go in alignment with women who prefer bad boys or likes a "fixer upper".

 

I find that usually Jewish people don't really care about compatible beliefs as much as Christians do, they tend to be a little lax in their dating criteria.

 

I mean, I've always thought about dating those non-religious myself only because we were compatible, but when they start voicing their opinions that rub me the wrong way that disrespect my beliefs, I just could not see myself dating them.

[FitChick]

People need to distinguish between religion and spirituality. I wouldn't likely date someone actively involved with any church, but I am desperate to find someone who is spiritual like me with whom I could meditate. I struggle to make meditation a daily habit so he would be not only a good influence but it would bind us closer together. Atheists seem to love me, oddly. Metaphysicians would be closest to the type of spirituality I believe in. However, as with conventional religion, there are many, many subcultures and beliefs within that group, ranging from quantum physicists to wiccans and Satanists.

Edited September 19, 2013 by FitChick

[aussietigerwolf]

It depends, as long as you both respect eachothers views, I don't see a problem with it. If one person is trying to convert the other without their willingness, or judging them based on it, that's where the problem comes from.

 

that was my problem with a guy... he was Anglican and I'm a druid and he was all fine with respecting each other's beliefs while we were dating but as soon as he wanted to take it further he told me I was converting... no discussion, no even asking me... he just told me that's what I was doing if I wanted us to be together.

[xxoo]

Right, but he wasn't an atheist, right?

 

He never said either way.

[xxoo]

For me, the important distinction is this:

 

I'm ok with any faith as long as the approach is, "This is my faith. Others have other faiths, or no faith."

 

I wouldn't be compatible with anyone whose approach is, "This is the faith."

 

IME, people with the "This is the faith" approach don't always understand that others can have faith with a, "This is my faith" approach, so they don't understand how others can date happily across faiths.

[MalachiX]

For me, the important distinction is this:

 

I'm ok with any faith as long as the approach is, "This is my faith. Others have other faiths, or no faith."

 

I wouldn't be compatible with anyone whose approach is, "This is the faith."

 

IME, people with the "This is the faith" approach don't always understand that others can have faith with a, "This is my faith" approach, so they don't understand how others can date happily across faiths.

 

What she said.

 

It amazes me how so many don't seem to understand that faith is a very personal thing. I have many agnostic friends who still believe in SOMETHING though they aren't quite sure what it is. I have many religious friends who don't believe much of what the bible, quaran, or torah says but still find value in their religion.

[irc333]

He never said either way.

 

Well, that's probably why they were still together. I know a lot of Christian women and men that date those that aren't into their faith as their spouse is. Of course, a lot of Christians tout that would cause strain on the marriage, too.

 

Some just go by "Hey, if they treat me right, good to me, makes me laugh" they put religion in 5th or 6th place.

 

I have heard of couples that just "go off and do their own thing" when it comes to that.

 

I guess that's why when I meet Christian women in church functions, you always never see their boyfriends with them...but hey, at least you can flirt and perhaps be "the other man" or try to be an influence in convincing her she should date a man of faith as opposed to her lazy boyfriend that sits home and goes out an plays golf on the weekends. LOL j/k...well, kinda. ;-)

[xxoo]

Well, that's probably why they were still together. I know a lot of Christian women and men that date those that aren't into their faith as their spouse is. Of course, a lot of Christians tout that would cause strain on the marriage, too.

 

Some just go by "Hey, if they treat me right, good to me, makes me laugh" they put religion in 5th or 6th place.

 

I have heard of couples that just "go off and do their own thing" when it comes to that.

 

I guess that's why when I meet Christian women in church functions, you always never see their boyfriends with them...but hey, at least you can flirt and perhaps be "the other man" or try to be an influence in convincing her she should date a man of faith as opposed to her lazy boyfriend that sits home and goes out an plays golf on the weekends. LOL j/k...well, kinda. ;-)

 

They are still together because they don't put religion before their relationship.

 

FWIW, my mother became super religious after marriage. Religion isn't usually something fixed, but rather a spiritual journey, and people do change in their beliefs and level of investment. What then? Would the more religious person seek a divorce rather than accepting that their spouse sees things differently? Would the less religious person criticize their spouse's beliefs? Reasonable people can make these things work without issue. At core, it's relationship skills, not religion, that is at issue.

[ChessPieceFace]

He clearly can't have worked with every black person on the face of the Earth and, until he does, I don't believe he has the right to attack all blacks for the actions of some.

 

You don't seriously believe that one must encounter every single person of a certain type, to form a meaningful generalization about that type of people. You're putting forth this obviously disingenuous notion to (poorly) defend your own worldview and beliefs, nothing more.

 

that was my problem with a guy... he was Anglican and I'm a druid and he was all fine with respecting each other's beliefs while we were dating but as soon as he wanted to take it further he told me I was converting... no discussion, no even asking me... he just told me that's what I was doing if I wanted us to be together.

 

I see that as a more general problem which wasn't rooted in religion. Clearly he had known that would be his requirement earlier, but didn't tell you until he thought he had you roped in. So it was just another case of someone dating under false pretenses. Could replace the religious conversion with other things (sexual things for instance) and it could still have been the same story.

Edited September 21, 2013 by ChessPieceFace

[irc333]

he was Anglican and I'm a druid

 

So what kind of rolls do you need to make to cast a successful spell against a troll? ;-)

[MalachiX]

You don't seriously believe that one must encounter every single person of a certain type, to form a meaningful generalization about that type of people. You're putting forth this obviously disingenuous notion to (poorly) defend your own worldview and beliefs, nothing more.

 

I don't know why you'd say I'm being disingenuous. This is something very dear to my heart and everything I express on this thread is 100% genuine.

 

As for needing to meet every single person before forming a generalization; you're missing my point which is that generalizations are awful because it ignores the individual traits and the remarkable variety of human beings.

 

EVEN (in some kind of bizarro universe); this guy was right and the vast majority of African Americans refused to pay their bills; as long as their was one single African American who defied this rule then there's something wrong with this attitude. Punishing someone for what other people in their race/religion/social-group have done is wrong if they aren't guilty of this themselves.

 

Every time I hear a generalization like this, I think of all the wonderful human beings I've known who are religious but who have never tried to convert anyone nor made them feel bad for their beliefs. I get angry because of them; because they're not part of this BS identity that others have manufactured out of ignoraunce.

[runningfar]

If I dated a religious person it would have to be somebody who believes in the concept but not a particular dogma. I have serious problems with the dogma and about 2/3 of what it says and personally do not believe in the concept of a creator. I've studied the bible thoroughly, being from a very Christian background, and the Quran and other religious documents in a crisis of faith and much of what's in all of it disgusts me.

 

My boyfriend is an atheist like I am and I'm glad for that. I have friends who are religious - mostly those who play fast and loose with the accepted dogma and accept that religions were written by man and the message could be corrupted a little, but some that are far more serious about it, and they are free to believe as they like, but there's some fundamental differences in approaches to the world and morality that I wouldn't want to deal with when as an atheist you have to deal with that so much already. Also, when we adopt children, I know we don't have to worry about baptism or church or anything I don't believe in, or indoctrination, from my spouse - just everyone else in my life and I can teach my children skepticism and allow them to learn about a variety of religions and truly make their own decision instead of having one "taught" from an early age.

Edited September 21, 2013 by runningfar

[runningfar]

I'm not sure why people are down your throat by the way, since Christianity is an evangelical religion. No, not everyone pushes it, but if you are in the US like I am, it's a predominantly Christian nation, and it does get pushed a lot (Matthew 28:18-20, Acts 1:8). If somebody has a strict view of Christianity, that is that a person is ONLY saved if they accept that Jesus Christ died for their sins, it is almost insulting if they don't try to save you because they're basically pleased with you going to hell in that situation - and I accept that some do not believe in a place of eternal torment, and that some believe that Jesus did in fact exist and died for everyone's sins so that everyone goes into heaven, but let's just take the hard line view... and because of that, Christianity is one that tells people to share... those who don't share explicitly are supposed to be leading you to the "right" path by example, it's the subject of many church sermons, as is the "bring a friend who doesn't go to church" message. I've sat in so many different churches for these sermons. It's not an assumption.

 

Plus, even if someone doesn't push it, there are different approaches and beliefs that you might not want to contend with every day. Also, there's so much distrust and religion you have to deal with on a day to day basis as an atheist already. Why have that during your most intimate relationship? "religious" verse a belief suggests the belief is taken very seriously.

 

Just, there's more atheists than you realize. There are many who are not "out" because bad things can happen. I lost clients when some found out from another arena - not our discussion- that I was atheist, I lost friends, I had my car keyed when I first came "out". But if you look at privately asked questions many don't believe and many more have significant doubt but want to believe- they certainly aren't religious.

[irc333]

There are a lot of Christians that refused to include athiests as a close personal friend, though they would welcome them to a general social get together at a BBQ or Lunchean or even at church, they are strongly advised, according to their belief system, not to get too personal with them as they have the fear of being around a bad influence, esp. when it comes to their kids.

 

Or keeping bad company.

 

I actually had an athiest women interested in dating me, but when she found out I was Christian even she surmised we probably wouldn't be a good match, but would be open to meeting up or just hanging out. SHe seemed pretty open minded and I might take her up on it, but I won't be making attempts to convert her, because she's been an athiest since she was 13 and she told me she'd never believe otherwise.

 

I have to give her kudos to being the more tolerant athiest and respecting other's beliefs.

 

 

 

 

I'm not sure why people are down your throat by the way, since Christianity is an evangelical religion. No, not everyone pushes it, but if you are in the US like I am, it's a predominantly Christian nation, and it does get pushed a lot (Matthew 28:18-20, Acts 1:8). If somebody has a strict view of Christianity, that is that a person is ONLY saved if they accept that Jesus Christ died for their sins, it is almost insulting if they don't try to save you because they're basically pleased with you going to hell in that situation - and I accept that some do not believe in a place of eternal torment, and that some believe that Jesus did in fact exist and died for everyone's sins so that everyone goes into heaven, but let's just take the hard line view... and because of that, Christianity is one that tells people to share... those who don't share explicitly are supposed to be leading you to the "right" path by example, it's the subject of many church sermons, as is the "bring a friend who doesn't go to church" message. I've sat in so many different churches for these sermons. It's not an assumption.

 

Plus, even if someone doesn't push it, there are different approaches and beliefs that you might not want to contend with every day. Also, there's so much distrust and religion you have to deal with on a day to day basis as an atheist already. Why have that during your most intimate relationship? "religious" verse a belief suggests the belief is taken very seriously.

 

Just, there's more atheists than you realize. There are many who are not "out" because bad things can happen. I lost clients when some found out from another arena - not our discussion- that I was atheist, I lost friends, I had my car keyed when I first came "out". But if you look at privately asked questions many don't believe and many more have significant doubt but want to believe- they certainly aren't religious.

[runningfar]

, they are strongly advised, according to their belief system, not to get too personal with them as they have the fear of being around a bad influence, esp. when it comes to their kids.

 

Or keeping bad company..

 

Well, I am "wicked" despite any volunteer work or kindness, because good works are meaningless.

 

Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? (2 Corinthians 6:14)

 

A righteous man turns away from evil,but the way of the wicked leads them astray. (Proverbs 12:26)

 

My poor car had never stated any opinions on the subject though.

[irc333]

I have found most athiest are former Christians who simply had a few bad experiences with their church or Christian friends. Actually , that shouldn't be a good reason to turn into an athiest, but I know this one woman who keeps spouting off hate on her Facebook towards her parents and other "goings on" an speaking constantly against Christians...it's sickening seeing her disrespect her parents publlicly like that.

 

Apparently, it's a case of going from ONE extreme to the next.

 

She went to Christian schools all her life, even a Christian college, then I guess she got sick of that ALL being shoved down her throat and that gave her good reason (at least that's her reasoning) to turn to atheism.

 

It's a classic case and quite not uncommon among atheists and non-believers.

[MalachiX]

If somebody has a strict view of Christianity, that is that a person is ONLY saved if they accept that Jesus Christ died for their sins, it is almost insulting if they don't try to save you because they're basically pleased with you going to hell in that situation

 

People's understanding of the religion is constantly changing. Hell, even the new Pope seems to be going out of his way to show respect for athiests and "non believers."

 

There are plenty of religious people who are tolerant and don't try to convert you. Unfortunately, many liberals and people like the OP chose not to celebrate the more tolerant people of faith but rather insult them, call them biggots, or lump them in with the conservative evangelicals. This seems counter productive. This attitude just seems to push some Christians to further extremes.

[TB Rhine]

If the person is a liberal Catholic (or mainline Protestant) who is either very casual about it - basically viewing church as a family or social obligation, or a gateway to nonprofit and charity work - OR, better yet, has a sense of humor about it, I'd say you're fine.

 

Evangelicals and "born agains," however - basically anyone who gives you the whole spiel -- and they WILL give it to you -- about how THEY never believed in God either, they thought the whole thing was just a sham, until they met this nice group of people at their church and yada yada yada - don't waste your time. These people are very serious and earnest about their religion, regardless of how pushy they are about it or how much they proselytize, and they will never be able to get on the same wavelength with you. They will never understand your point of view... it is alien to them.

[irc333]

I'm one of those non-uptight Christians Catholics. My entire family from both sides were Catholic as well.

 

My parents stopped going to church or didn't care to hang around that scene anymore because of the hypocrisy and the sudden changes in the rules.

 

Anyhow, considering where I live, it's an area of mostly uptight born again Christians that are so dull that if you ask them out on a date it has to be movie with a "G" rating.

 

(That's just to give you an idea)

 

Or if you cursed even once, it was a dating deal breaker for them.

 

I once went out with a girl that didn't even want to have her first KISS until she was married. I remember telling my other Christian friends this and they were like 'HUH??

 

Apparently, in some circles, dating isn't allowed because it could lead to something and I knew of a couple that their parents wouldn't allow them to go out alone to gether and they had to stick around the mom and dad's house...so "date night" was at Mom and Dad's home.

 

 

 

 

If the person is a liberal Catholic (or mainline Protestant) who is either very casual about it - basically viewing church as a family or social obligation, or a gateway to nonprofit and charity work - OR, better yet, has a sense of humor about it, I'd say you're fine.

 

Evangelicals and "born agains," however - basically anyone who gives you the whole spiel -- and they WILL give it to you -- about how THEY never believed in God either, they thought the whole thing was just a sham, until they met this nice group of people at their church and yada yada yada - don't waste your time. These people are very serious and earnest about their religion, regardless of how pushy they are about it or how much they proselytize, and they will never be able to get on the same wavelength with you. They will never understand your point of view... it is alien to them.

[irc333]

Also, for some reason, some of the Protestant single ladies I would meet would not consider a Catholic a bonafide "Christian" from THEIR point of view, not sure how in the world they got THAT idea.

 

They also start to drill you with, "Have you been saved?" and when I would explain to them about that, they are like "Oh no, you have to be totally immersed in a full tub of water" and that doing good works and "being good" has nothing to do with "being saved".

 

"Sure you can believe in God and Jesus Christ, do their good works, etc, but have you TRUELY accepted him into your heart

 

And I say, "Sure, I have always accepted him into my heart".

 

But some how they try to convince you that your way to salvation is not THEIR way.

 

"Oh no, that's not how it's done!" theys say. lol

 

Eventually get just go in circles and circles with them on that subject.

[TB Rhine]

Essentially, most evangelicals were brought up in a tradition that is much more stringent with regard to behavior than most people are comfortable with (forget about being gay or having sex outside marriage... I grew up with girls who weren't allowed to dance, weren't allowed to wear a two-piece bathing suit, etc). In my experience, these girls tend to get engaged multiple times before they turn 18, then get pregnant at 19 or 20, at which point their family pressures them into marriage.

 

With born agains - I've actually had dealings with some of the "recruiters," so to speak, and they specifically target people, with or without religious affiliation, who are in vulnerable positions (such as college students living in a new area, away from home for the first time, etc, or people in recovery from alcohol and drug abuse), and they specifically prey upon the distrust many people have toward religion - hence the "Hey, I never believed in all this stuff either" rhetoric, their agreeing with practically everything you say about religion (a term they will often try to distance themselves from, saying they are more about having a relationship with God than religion, etc), and so on. Despite the fact that many of them seem to be well-meaning and earnest people, they are working from a script prepared by someone who REALLY knows what he's doing - like, Charlie Manson-level knows.

 

Essentially, I think Catholics and mainline Protestants tend to base their faith on the importance of tradition, good works, and spiritual comfort (faith helping you through hard times and such like that), whereas evangelicals are all "fire and brimstone," coming down hard on ungodly behavior such as drinking, smoking, sex, homosexuality, and so on. Again - the focus is on what NOT to do -- drink, have sex, be gay, etc. -- rather than what to DO (help people, be involved in charity work, or whatnot). Then you have born agains, who in my experience, tend to eschew the concepts of good work and morality completely, in favor of simply BELIEVING (as it is believing in Big J and having a relationship with him, not doing good or refraining from doing evil, that will get you into heaven, by their account). This is why rituals like baptism, etc. are so important to them, I think, because they have little else in the way of activity that their faith seems to prescribe. They are all talk, in a sense.

Edited September 22, 2013 by TB Rhine

[runningfar]

I have found most athiest are former Christians who simply had a few bad experiences with their church or Christian friends. .

 

I hear that assumption all the time and don't find it to be true. Personally, I didn't have a really bad experience with Christians until I admitted not believing and could not be easily lured back in to the fold.

 

I know a lot of atheists, as a member of several atheist groups, and I find it happens but is not very common.

 

I became an atheist by reading the bible and by thinking through it.

 

But, this isn't a religious discussion. It is whether an active nonbeliever should date an active believer, and I see why neither would want that.

[salparadise]

Wow, that makes so much sense given a lot of the things that you have said on this forum. You can't expect an 50-something, divorced and conservative Christian man to be too open-minded and free-spirited. Understandable.

 

You really don't know squat about me, you only know that I gave it to you straight up on that previous thread––you know, the one where you got grilled for stereotyping based on ethnicity that resulted in you changing your identity––and you couldn't deal with the responses from myself and others. So you bring your bitterness into another thread and post off topic, again trying to stick labels on people. I categorically reject you and your erroneous attempt to define who I am. But in doing so, you've done a pretty good job of defining who you are.

 

I used to post as Seductive. A few months ago, I naively made a topic on whether white men liked Indian women, and it resulted in grown adult posters (including another Indian woman and fathers of teenage daughters) calling me crazy....

 

I will not be coming back, as I found this forum an impediment to my well-being and positive energy.

 

As difficult as it may be for you, please try and be good for your word. After all, you did promise.

[jimmysgirl10]

I think you are a little close-minded. I am a Christian and my fiance' is an atheist. I do not try to "convert" him. His beliefs are his beliefs and mine are mine. We do not argue over it, we respect each other's beliefs and it's part of what we love about each other. Of course, I am a VERY openminded Christian

Edited September 23, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language.

[writergal]

I don't think I'm close minded because I don't believe in god, or because I don't want to date a man who has religious convictions. Just because I don't agree with your POV doesn't make me close minded.

 

I know that for me personally, based on previous dating experience with religious men, that it's not a belief system I can tolerate having in my life. It's caused too many problems in my past romantic relationships. My atheism is something I refuse to back down on, and even if I were to date an open-minded, relaxed Catholic that still won't work for me because he'll believe in an invisible man who lives in the sky whereas I believe in science, and not religion. And I won't be with a man who tells me that I cant' be an atheist because he believes in god. It's not his place to judge me. So it's just easier to find an atheist man to date. That's my preference and it doesn't matter if you agree with me or not because you and I are different people with different life experiences.

Edited September 23, 2013 by writergal