Should you date a religious person if you're not?

[writergal]

Being an Atheist who appreciates Buddhism, I find that I just can't date a guy who is religious and attends church. I don't think it's possible to date a religious person if you are non-religious for obvious reasons.

[crederer]

It depends, as long as you both respect eachothers views, I don't see a problem with it. If one person is trying to convert the other without their willingness, or judging them based on it, that's where the problem comes from.

[writergal]

See that's the problem: I can't respect someone who believes in God or has a spiritual faith because every religious person I've ever known seems to have the ulterior motive of "conversion" for everyone they meet. Take this guy I went out with on one date recently. One date. We met through a mutual friend. We met for coffee and religion came up (he brought it up, not me). As soon as the words "I'm an Atheist and don't believe in God" left my mouth, it was like his mission of conversion went into overdrive and for the next 20 minutes he grilled me on why I was going to hell for not believing in God. After coffee was over, I texted the mutual friend and basically yelled at him for setting me up with a religious guy when he knows I'm an Atheist.

 

It's bad enough that my family are all believers. I don't want to date a religious guy because if I did, I'd be sacrificing my own beliefs just to please him or vice versa. I just don't think it's fair to ask someone who doesnt share your beliefs, to respect your beliefs because deep down, it's likely that they will resent you and that will just ruin the relationship in the long run.

[crederer]

Not all religious people are like this though. I'd suggest not suspecting him of trying this until he does try it (assuming this is a real relationship you're in and not just a hypothetical).

 

and if he does go there, then end it then. No need for a "pre empted strike" against the person based on your interractions with fanatics.

[Keenly]

See that's the problem: I can't respect someone who believes in God or has a spiritual faith because every religious person I've ever known seems to have the ulterior motive of "conversion" for everyone they meet. Take this guy I went out with on one date recently. One date. We met through a mutual friend. We met for coffee and religion came up (he brought it up, not me). As soon as the words "I'm an Atheist and don't believe in God" left my mouth, it was like his mission of conversion went into overdrive and for the next 20 minutes he grilled me on why I was going to hell for not believing in God. After coffee was over, I texted the mutual friend and basically yelled at him for setting me up with a religious guy when he knows I'm an Atheist.

 

It's bad enough that my family are all believers. I don't want to date a religious guy because if I did, I'd be sacrificing my own beliefs just to please him or vice versa. I just don't think it's fair to ask someone who doesnt share your beliefs, to respect your beliefs because deep down, it's likely that they will resent you and that will just ruin the relationship in the long run.

 

 

This is my problem with religion right here. I can accept that some one has a faith that I don't share.

 

The rare thing, however, is finding a religious person that respects your right to not believe.

 

 

Bring up free will, how they believe god grants you free will, explain its your will to not believe , and watch their mind form the thoughts " its only free will if you make the same choices that I make. "

[gaius]

I dated one very religious girl who didn't try to convert me from my agnostic position. Or drag me to church. It was an amazing experience dating her. I would have lost a very good experience from my life if I had gotten all uptight about her faith.

[soccerrprp]

There clearly are those who are less dogmatic about their faith or lack there of, but it's easy when you are w/o children. What happens when children are involved? The discussion needs to be had.

[miss_jaclynrae]

The religious and church going would never be an issue. It would be things such as values and morals, and whether they line up with mine.

Then bigger things like expectations parenting wise.

[MalachiX]

I'm gonna go on a rant here and I hope I don't come off as insulting (I'm really just frustrated).

 

I HATE THIS ATTITUDE!!!

 

Seriously, why is that so many people who would otherwise consider themselves tolerant or liberal feel totally fine with discriminating people of faith?

 

It feels like some Atheists are as intolerant as religious fundamentalists. What drives me nuts is that YOU GUYS SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN THAT!!!

 

Not everyone who is religious is going to try to convert you. Not everyone who is religious is intolerant. Faith can be something very personal and it amazes me that some people are cool with judging others purely on what they believe (rather than their actions).

[MalachiX]

See that's the problem: I can't respect someone who believes in God or has a spiritual faith because every religious person I've ever known seems to have the ulterior motive of "conversion" for everyone they meet.

 

Honestly, that sounds as simplistic as a right-wing Christian saying, "I can't respect anyone who's homosexual because all the homosexuals I know just want to get into your pants." This stuff goes both ways and making blanket generalizations about people is always off-base.

 

I don't want to date a religious guy because if I did, I'd be sacrificing my own beliefs just to please him or vice versa.

 

It's amazing to me that you don't think people of different beliefs can respect one another without conforming to the other person's thought process. I've had friends of just about every faith. There's a lot of different beliefs that one can respect without sharing.

 

I just don't think it's fair to ask someone who doesnt share your beliefs, to respect your beliefs because deep down, it's likely that they will resent you and that will just ruin the relationship in the long run.

 

Once again, that just sounds nuts. Since you mentioned Bhuddism, I have some real problems with certain aspects of it: mainly the concept that one should avoid attachment to avoid suffering. I think that sounds like a great way to never live your life. That said, I don't resent you for having that belief nor do I resent any other Bhuddists (especially because I know that I'm just naming ONE of many interpretations of Bhuddism).

 

The rare thing, however, is finding a religious person that respects your right to not believe. "

 

I know plenty. Some Christian. Some Hindu. Some Muslim. Some Jewish. Would you like me to give your their emails?

[writergal]

Not all religious people are like this though. I'd suggest not suspecting him of trying this until he does try it (assuming this is a real relationship you're in and not just a hypothetical).

 

and if he does go there, then end it then. No need for a "pre empted strike" against the person based on your interractions with fanatics.

 

The one date I went on with the guy pretty much ended with a mutual agreement that we weren't a good match with each other, so no, it wasn't a hypothetical date I went on but actually a real one. I'm not in a relationship.

 

Seriously, every religious person I've ever known freaks out when I say I don't believe in God which is why I made the blanket statement that religious people don't like disbelievers. When I meet a religious person who doesn't try to convert me I'll let you know.

 

This is my problem with religion right here. I can accept that some one has a faith that I don't share.

 

The rare thing, however, is finding a religious person that respects your right to not believe.

 

 

Bring up free will, how they believe god grants you free will, explain its your will to not believe , and watch their mind form the thoughts " its only free will if you make the same choices that I make. "

 

Exactamundo as Fonzie would say. Wow I'm old.

 

I dated one very religious girl who didn't try to convert me from my agnostic position. Or drag me to church. It was an amazing experience dating her. I would have lost a very good experience from my life if I had gotten all uptight about her faith.

 

I'm happy for you gaius but I can't date someone who attributes everything that happens to an invisible man in the sky. I just can't do it. Maybe I'm uptight, but at least I'm being true to myself. At the end of the day, this life is all there is and I can't waste it on dating someone whose beliefs I don't share.

 

There clearly are those who are less dogmatic about their faith or lack there of, but it's easy when you are w/o children. What happens when children are involved? The discussion needs to be had.

 

Where are those people? Yes, it is easy for me to be selective b/c I don't have children. If I ever got to the point where I wanted to have children with a man I'd have to be sure he was on the same page as me that they won't be raised with a religious faith. One couple that I'm friends with are both Atheists and instead of taking their children to church on Sundays, immerse the children in outdoor nature hikes which I think is really cool.

 

The religious and church going would never be an issue. It would be things such as values and morals, and whether they line up with mine.Then bigger things like expectations parenting wise.

 

Well unfortunately values and morals are often tied to a religious faith.

 

I'm gonna go on a rant here and I hope I don't come off as insulting (I'm really just frustrated).

 

I HATE THIS ATTITUDE!!!

 

Seriously, why is that so many people who would otherwise consider themselves tolerant or liberal feel totally fine with discriminating people of faith?

 

It feels like some Atheists are as intolerant as religious fundamentalists. What drives me nuts is that YOU GUYS SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN THAT!!!

 

Not everyone who is religious is going to try to convert you. Not everyone who is religious is intolerant. Faith can be something very personal and it amazes me that some people are cool with judging others purely on what they believe (rather than their actions).

 

I wouldn't call myself intolerant per se, just frustrated and unwilling to compromise my views to be accepted by a group of people who don't accept me. I posted in another thread about feeling tired of religious people judging me and tried to start a two-way conversation which failed miserably. Religious people simply can't accept Atheists' viewpoints as valid; religious people are very one-sided and unwilling to accept others' viewpoints as reasonable too.

 

And yes religious people do try to convert you if they know you don't believe in their God. That's been my experience more than once with a religious person, esp. my ultra-religious sibling who told me I'm going to hell b/c I don't believe in God.

 

Honestly, that sounds as simplistic as a right-wing Christian saying, "I can't respect anyone who's homosexual because all the homosexuals I know just want to get into your pants." This stuff goes both ways and making blanket generalizations about people is always off-base.

 

 

 

It's amazing to me that you don't think people of different beliefs can respect one another without conforming to the other person's thought process. I've had friends of just about every faith. There's a lot of different beliefs that one can respect without sharing.

 

 

 

Once again, that just sounds nuts. Since you mentioned Bhuddism, I have some real problems with certain aspects of it: mainly the concept that one should avoid attachment to avoid suffering. I think that sounds like a great way to never live your life. That said, I don't resent you for having that belief nor do I resent any other Bhuddists (especially because I know that I'm just naming ONE of many interpretations of Bhuddism).

 

 

 

I know plenty. Some Christian. Some Hindu. Some Muslim. Some Jewish. Would you like me to give your their emails?

 

I'm not right wing. I'm very liberal in my views and I would respect a religious person if he/she would stop trying to shove God down my throat.

 

That's fine if you have problem with some aspects of Buddhism. I do as well; I don't believe in reincarnation.

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYlHAv4dVso

Edited September 18, 2013 by writergal

[StanMusial]

You should only date other atheists, that way you could spend the afterlife with your SO.

[writergal]

You should only date other atheists, that way you could spend the afterlife with your SO.

 

That comment deserves the:

 

[AMusing]

Seriously, why is that so many people who would otherwise consider themselves tolerant or liberal feel totally fine with discriminating people of faith? [...] Not everyone who is religious is going to try to convert you.

 

Hi Malachi,

 

I wasn't one of the earlier posters, but I could've been. I consider myself a (mostly) tolerant (bleeding-heart) liberal atheist. I have friends of many faiths. They are good people, and they have never tried to convert me. That said, I would not date a religious man again. Our views on life are simply too different. I am convinced that even if my (hypothetical) religious spouse never pushed me to go to church, he would always be happier if I went. And of course he would--after all, you don't want someone you love to be damned to hell--but that tension would be draining to both of us. And then there's the issue of children. I want to teach my kids curiosity, skepticism, and instill in them a strong dose of ontological naturalism. To have them go to church every Sunday, say, would go completely against my belief system. It's something I know I'm not willing to compromise on, and something essentially no religious person would compromise on. I know a relationship with 99.999% of religious people would be doomed from the start, so why should I waste my time with them, rather than moving to someone more promising?

 

Finally, to respond to the bulk of your posts: while not everyone religious will try to convert you, a nontrivial proportion of them will. I believe that most atheists are live and let live: you can be as religious as you want, as long as you don't push it on me and your religion doesn't touch our politics, rights, laws, etc. The thing is, we are often bombarded with pushes to "find Jesus," distrust because we don't believe in a God, and blatant pushes to incorporate religion in places it does NOT belong (creationism in our biology textbooks, STILL?!?). And when we push back, we are inevitably met with "You're offending me and taking my rights away!" Uh, no, we're trying to get ours back.... It is exhausting, frustrating, and unending. Some of us get so weary of it that we choose to avoid anyone religious, just to avoid the obnoxious judgements and comments of the intolerant religious crowd.

[writergal]

Hi Malachi,

 

I wasn't one of the earlier posters, but I could've been. I consider myself a (mostly) tolerant (bleeding-heart) liberal atheist. I have friends of many faiths. They are good people, and they have never tried to convert me. That said, I would not date a religious man again. Our views on life are simply too different. I am convinced that even if my (hypothetical) religious spouse never pushed me to go to church, he would always be happier if I went. And of course he would--after all, you don't want someone you love to be damned to hell--but that tension would be draining to both of us. And then there's the issue of children. I want to teach my kids curiosity, skepticism, and instill in them a strong dose of ontological naturalism. To have them go to church every Sunday, say, would go completely against my belief system. It's something I know I'm not willing to compromise on, and something essentially no religious person would compromise on. I know a relationship with 99.999% of religious people would be doomed from the start, so why should I waste my time with them, rather than moving to someone more promising?

 

Finally, to respond to the bulk of your posts: while not everyone religious will try to convert you, a nontrivial proportion of them will. I believe that most atheists are live and let live: you can be as religious as you want, as long as you don't push it on me and your religion doesn't touch our politics, rights, laws, etc. The thing is, we are often bombarded with pushes to "find Jesus," distrust because we don't believe in a God, and blatant pushes to incorporate religion in places it does NOT belong (creationism in our biology textbooks, STILL?!?). And when we push back, we are inevitably met with "You're offending me and taking my rights away!" Uh, no, we're trying to get ours back.... It is exhausting, frustrating, and unending. Some of us get so weary of it that we choose to avoid anyone religious, just to avoid the obnoxious judgements and comments of the intolerant religious crowd.

 

Agree 100% with your post.

[salparadise]

It feels like some Atheists are as intolerant as religious fundamentalists.

 

There absolutely are evangelical atheists running around everywhere. I attended a Humanist meeting once and there were a range of people, but the damn thing was run by a couple of atheists who felt the need promote themselves as having discovered truth. They were working really hard to prop up their egos, feel superior and get some much-needed validation.

 

There are also spiritual people who don't conform to any denomination's dogma, and are fine with ambiguity. Perhaps that's almost the same as agnostic, but without any pronouncements or denials. There are also Christians who don't see God as the man in the sky who judges and micromanages.

 

While a truly tolerant agnostic/atheist and a truly tolerant person of some type of faith/spirituality could certainly have a great relationship, it seems apparent to me that people of conflicting perspectives who feel the need to evangelize, receive validation or put crispy edges on everything, would not be compatible. Most traditional Christians seek a partner in the practice of their faith, and of course to do that you'd need to have pretty similar beliefs.

 

Wouldn't the world be a better place if people managed their egos? Being able to observe one's own ego and laugh at it when it starts making foolish demands is a good thing.

[carhill]

I've passed up a few since being D for being a bit too 'preachy'. Such would be my criteria for dating. Keep it personal and I'm good to go. Put in my face and I walk. I had my fill of 'in your face' religion as a young person.

[writergal]

There absolutely are evangelical atheists running around everywhere. I attended a Humanist meeting once and there were a range of people, but the damn thing was run by a couple of atheists who felt the need promote themselves as having discovered truth. They were working really hard to prop up their egos, feel superior and get some much-needed validation.

 

There are also spiritual people who don't conform to any denomination's dogma, and are fine with ambiguity. Perhaps that's almost the same as agnostic, but without any pronouncements or denials. There are also Christians who don't see God as the man in the sky who judges and micromanages.

 

While a truly tolerant agnostic/atheist and a truly tolerant person of some type of faith/spirituality could certainly have a great relationship, it seems apparent to me that people of conflicting perspectives who feel the need to evangelize, receive validation or put crispy edges on everything, would not be compatible. Most traditional Christians seek a partner in the practice of their faith, and of course to do that you'd need to have pretty similar beliefs.

 

Wouldn't the world be a better place if people managed their egos? Being able to observe one's own ego and laugh at it when it starts making foolish demands is a good thing.

 

I hope I don't come across as one of those Atheists who ran that Humanist meeting. I don't want to force anyone to believe what I do; I just want to find people who share my beliefs, or who is agnostic and doesn't conform to a religious dogma at all and doesn't condemn me for my beliefs.

 

I wish we lived in a world that wasn't so ego-driven, but I think the ID/ego is exactly what makes humans so fallible, and why I think Buddhists and all Eastern religions who preach "ego-detachment" may want to just detach themselves from that ideology because humans will never truly live without detachment (except for maybe the Dalai Llama).

 

Like Carhill noted, there's some real preachy religious folk out there who make it impossible to befriend or relate to because all they care about is converting people to their belief system, and that's not cool with me. I don't want to convert men i'm interested in dating to Atheism, especially since Atheism isn't a religion.

[L1ght]

Great question. It depends how intensely religious they are or if you're the kind of person who can see past another persons beliefs and not judge them.

I have to be honest. Religion is so repulsive to me and I can't believe somebody would choose to put their faith in a story that was written thousands of years ago BY MAN instead of choosing a more logical view when we as humans hadn't even developed to anywhere near the level we have today. We didn't have the technology to record the events from the bible so we could at least prove that certain events indeed took place. Where is the video tape on Youtube of Jesus saying the camera "Hi there, look at me, I'm Jesus and I exist....watch me walk on water, watch me turn water into wine, watch me get reincarnated after people butcher me then hang me on a cross"?

 

 

So yeah if I'm dating a person who deeply believes in all that nonsense I find it hard to relate to them and unless I'm willing to just ignore the complete difference of religious opinion for the sake of the relationship then it ain't gonna last....It all depends how much I dig her and if there are tons of other positives in the relationship to look forward to.

Generally though no I don't think its a good idea.

Edited September 18, 2013 by L1ght

[writergal]

Great question. It depends how intensely religious they are or if you're the kind of person who can see past another persons beliefs and not judge them.

I have to be honest. Religion is so repulsive to me and I can't believe somebody would choose to put their faith in a story that was written thousands of years ago BY MAN instead of choosing a more logical view when we as humans hadn't even developed to anywhere near the level we have today. We didn't have the technology to record the events from the bible so we could at least prove that certain events indeed took place. Where is the video tape on Youtube of Jesus saying the camera "Hi there, look at me, I'm Jesus and I exist....watch me walk on water, watch me turn water into wine, watch me get reincarnated after people butcher me then hang me on a cross"?

 

 

So yeah if I'm dating a person who deeply believes in all that nonsense I find it hard to relate to them and unless I'm willing to just ignore the complete difference of religious opinion for the sake of the relationship then it ain't gonna last....It all depends how much I dig her and if there are tons of other positives in the relationship to look forward to.

Generally though no I don't think its a good idea.

 

Omg I laughed out loud when I read that part of your post. Awesome!

[William]

As a reminder, this discussion, in the Dating forum, is about the aspects of dating and religion/sprituality. It is not a thread to editorialize on the tenets of other's belief systems. Thanks.

[pteromom]

I think it depends on the person. I don't think YOU should date a religious person, because you wouldn't be able to respect their beliefs.

 

The only way it works is if both people accept and respect the other's position, and are willing to compromise on things like holidays, raising children, etc.

[FitChick]

My father was an atheist and my mother was Catholic. We were raised Catholic. Dad never went to church. It was never a problem because both of my parents were TOLERANT of differing beliefs.

 

I agree with a previous poster that atheists are just as intolerant as religious fanatics. Funny, huh?

[StanMusial]

My father was an atheist and my mother was Catholic. We were raised Catholic. Dad never went to church. It was never a problem because both of my parents were TOLERANT of differing beliefs.

 

I agree with a previous poster that atheists are just as intolerant as religious fanatics. Funny, huh?

 

East is East, West is West, and never the twain shall meet.

[soccerrprp]

My father was an atheist and my mother was Catholic. We were raised Catholic. Dad never went to church. It was never a problem because both of my parents were TOLERANT of differing beliefs.

 

My father was catholic and my mother (continues to be) atheist. We were raised w/ no religious direction and given an opportunity to choose our own paths as we got older. Never went to church, so father not the most religious. All of the children are now atheist, agnostic or deist.

 

I agree with a previous poster that atheists are just as intolerant as religious fanatics. Funny, huh?

 

Oh, yeah, this is quite clear.