What am I doing wrong????

[TT25]

So, I have been dating quite I bit. Meeting people online, volunteering and being more active in my church. I am a 26 year old single woman. I have a masters degree, great career, good values and I have never been married nor do I have kids. In my own opinion, I think I am a pretty good catch. I am at a stage in my life where I am really looking for a husband. I am picky, so I will not settle for the wrong guy, nor will I attach myself to the first person who asks me out (and there have been plenty).

 

I am not really into casual dating and I do not date for sport. So, when I guy asks me "what are you looking for" or any variation of this question I reply "I am looking for a stable, committed relationship with someone who shares the same values." And I am being honest and sincere in my response. For some reason I am sensing that guys are really taken aback by this. Am I being too honest? Am I coming off as being too desperate? I feel like I don't want to deceive someone into thinking I am at the casual-sex or let's hang out indefinitely stage because I am not. But at the same time I don't want the guys I meet to think that I am try to latch myself onto any man with a pulse because this is sooo not the case. So how do I find a balance? How do I remain honest in my response/actions without coming off as too clingy?

Edited September 18, 2013 by TT25

[jcrew11]

is this about sex or dating?

You can meet a lot of guys but hold off on the sex.

You at least want to meet the guy in person before ditching him.

 

If you don't want to have sex before marriage or an engagement, then tell him so. But some guys will at least expect HJ and BJ to keep things romantic instead of platonic.

 

But you seem to be so focused on traditional marriage, that most modern men and modern women are more free with their sexuality. Most Men under 30 aren't interested in getting married.

 

If you don't want to have sex, just focus on getting a lot of male friends, and then once you find a guy you can trust, you can have sex with him.

[mortensorchid]

Well ... Here's the thing. If and when a man asks you "what are you looking for?" they don't really want to hear anything other than "I want to get freaky freaky with you (name)". How to respond appropo is "I'm looking around, seeing what is and isn't out there, who I am and am not compatible with, etc. Hoping to find someone I click with." End of statement. If they want to know more, repeat it. That is, if you don't know this person. I for one hate it when I meet a man who asks just such questions because they are the ones who say women are the real whackjobs out there.

[jcrew11]

why not just say "I'm not looking for something casual or I'm looking for a serious long term relationship or marriage"

 

I don't know what you have a masters degree in, but you need to express yourself as a "nice person" and not a "strict person who doesn't have any fun."

 

Perhaps you want a man who is "conservative, traditional, and has a strict, by the book lifestyle" and you should be clear about that.

 

There are a lot of guys who are immature and looking for a fun girl, instead of a serious girl.

 

When you say "I am looking for a stable, committed relationship with someone who shares the same values" - it sounds like you are a strict robot who has no emotions or emotional capacity. Frankly, it sounds like business boilerplate that means nothing.

 

What are the "same values" that you desire? Do you want a Christian, Catholic, Jewish, etc? Do you want someone who likes country music?

 

Guys want to be around women who are enjoyable to be around.

That statement makes you sound very boring and someone who is not friendly or caring. It sounds like you are thinking 20 years ahead, when single guys are thinking whether they can spend the next month with you without being annoyed.

[crederer]

The message is fine. I think a lot of men are looking for the same, just maybe word it differently.

 

i.e "I date men with the intentions of determining if there is a long term possibility. I don't do ONS" or something along those lines.

 

If a woman said that to me, I'd have no problems with it (unless I was looking for a ONS).

[MalachiX]

As a guy, I would be a bit frightened by your answer because it focuses so much on this criteria and seems to lack emotion. I'm not judging you but I would be turned off. Having such a seemingly strict code makes it feel like there's no room to really figure the relationship out.

[jcrew11]

As a guy, I would be a bit frightened by your answer because it focuses so much on this criteria and seems to lack emotion. I'm not judging you but I would be turned off. Having such a seemingly strict code makes it feel like there's no room to really figure the relationship out.

 

I agree, Alpha guys can be with any girl they want and want a girl that is "enjoyable" to be around with a friendly personality.

 

I think you are specifically looking for a genetically designed husband that has a checklist of things that might be: successful, rich, mba, christian, 29 years old, 6 feet tall, blue eyes, etc. and whatever.

 

You say you don't like casually dating, but there is an art form to meeting new people, dating a few different people and finding the right person and also finding what you don't want.

 

Of course, some people think "arranged marriages are easier" and you can just have your pastor find a husband for you.

 

But the number one thing Men and Women should look for in a marriage is "Compatible Personalities" before discussing anything long term.

 

Do you enjoy each other's company for the day, the week, the month, and eventually the year?

[jcrew11]

You should just say: "I want to be engaged in one year, married in two years, and pregnant in 3 years. Can I have your babies?"

 

Guys do not want to be tied down to a stage 5 clinger, without even knowing a girl.

 

All girls want is a successful guy who can take care of her future babies for the next 20 years, and guys don't want to be seen as just a bank account.

 

You say you are a catch, but why are these guys running for the hills at the moment you mention you want a long term relationship? Perhaps, your personality is not as great as you think it is.

 

Slow down, don't rush a relationship.

 

A female friend once told me she wanted to be engaged before she was 25. It just seemed so desperate in this modern age. Most guys realize that there is no need to marry young, especially because of divorce rates and the financial impact on men's bank accounts.

 

Funny story, I once asked a girl at a bar if she was getting married, she said "No" and then I said "Why Not?" and she started crying.

[waiting4u]

You should just say: "I want to be engaged in one year, married in two years, and pregnant in 3 years. Can I have your babies?"

 

A female friend once told me she wanted to be engaged before she was 25. It just seemed so desperate in this modern age. Most guys realize that there is no need to marry young, especially because of divorce rates and the financial impact on men's bank accounts.

 

 

This whole trajectory - go to Uni, meet a man, get married, have babies, live happily ever after - is so deeply ingrained in the female psyche that it's warping our behavior. I had a guy tell me recently, in a discussion about the dating scene, that he "felt like a potential victim" because so many women seemed to be after his money. Seriously. When women think of marriage they think "romance." When men think of marriage they think "I have to pay for it." There's a lot of pressure for men to perform financially in these circumstances and the pressure is a turn off.

 

Go out, have fun, think of dating "as a sport" for a little while, and you might eventually meet someone you can share your life with - with the objective of sharing your life, not meeting some sort of cultural quota.

[BluEyeL]

You could say you're looking for the right match for you and leave it at that. If he specifically, only if he specifically asks: Marriage? Kids? You say: sure not opposing to this, of course, if the guy is really great.

[BluEyeL]

I don't like the idea "noone wants to marry her". I was married for most of my life and now I've been single for about 9 months. I've met lots of guys, "noone wanted to marry me" yet, but I sure like heck didn't want to marry any of the guys either. The goal is not to get married, but to find the right person and that takes time and a lot of trial and error. Being married for the sake of being married is a recipe for disaster. So yeah, maybe she is lucky that "noone" wanted to marry her among those that were not a good fit.

[TT25]

@jcrew11 - for someone who does not know me at all you have made a lot of assumptions about me. Most of them very negative and mean. Kinda makes me think you have a chip on your shoulder and evidently a whole lot of time. Since you have had so many posts, I can't even remember them all to itemize and dispel them.

 

But here goes: I am not shopping for a husband. Just because I have "good values" like I mentioned does not make be boring or automatically conservative. Not that here is anything wrong with being conservative. I am not a stressed out high-powered executive. I am a social worker. We all know that social workers are not the richest people in the world but I am financially stable and am fully prepared to take care of myself for the rest of my life. With or without a man. And lastly, there is nothing wrong with having a desire to be married and I am Not going to let you make me feel bad about it. Now in the words of my mother, "if you have nothing nice to say, perhaps it's best that you don't say anything at All!"

 

And get of your judgmental high horse! Trust me, it's Not cute!

 

@everyone else, thanks for the pointers, I will keep that in mind!

Edited September 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jcrew11]

There is no problem with wanting to get married.

 

But just be aware that guys under 30 are not usually as urgent to find a wife, at your age.

 

There are some different websites for marriage-minded people like EHarmony and Christian dating.

 

You should be clear that you want marriage in your profile.

 

Just wanted to let you know that guys take the slow approach to marriage.

[waiting4u]

@jcrew11 - for someone who does not know me at all you have made a lot of assumptions about me. Most of them very negative and mean. Kinda makes me think you have a chip on your shoulder and evidently a whole lot of time. Since you have had so many posts, I can't even remember them all to itemize and dispel them.

 

But here goes: I am not shopping for a husband. Just because I have "good values" like I mentioned does not make be boring or automatically conservative. Not that here is anything wrong with being conservative. I am not a stressed out high-powered executive. I am a social worker. We all know that social workers are not the richest people in the world but I am financially stable and am fully prepared to take care of myself for the rest of my life. With or without a man. And lastly, there is nothing wrong with having a desire to be married and I am Not going to let you make me feel bad about it. Now in the words of my mother, "if you have nothing nice to say, perhaps it's best that you don't say anything at All!"

 

And get of your judgmental high horse! Trust me, it's Not cute!

 

@everyone else, thanks for the pointers, I will keep that in mind!

 

People on here can be kind of harsh. Online etiquette is different because there's no social backlash if you act like a jerk. I don't think anyone wishes you any ill will. Try not to take it personally - difficult I know.